Out of The Box Awakening (34 page)

I pretend to be asleep.

“Liv, I know you’re not sleeping, please, we need to talk.”

I’m lying on my side with my back to him. “Ash, I know that. I know what you’ve come to say, and I understand. Blood is thicker than water. Family is family. Thanks for all you’ve done for me, how you’ve made me feel and have taught me to love. I’ll cherish that always, and I have no ill feelings toward you. I just really need to be by myself now. I’ll get over this, don’t worry. You’ve taught me to be strong. I’ve got my kids and that’s pretty much what I need right now.”

He touches my arm. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Well, you said we needed to talk. I’m a big girl, I can deal with this.” I say.

“Oh, dear God, honey! You thought I was coming over to end us?”

“Yes,” I say.

He laughs. “That couldn’t be farther from the truth! How many times have I told you that I love you and you’re my everything? Come on, how many?”

“Lots,” I answer.

“Yes. Lots of times, and lots more to come, Liv.” He takes my face in his hands and wipes my tears. “Did you make coffee?”

“Yes. Why?”

“I’m going downstairs to get us a cup and I’ll be right back. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t move.”

He kisses me, and is back soon with coffee. He turns on the light and we sit on the bed facing each other. He takes my hands.

“Liv, okay…what I’m about to tell you is something that no one else knows besides me. The only other person who knows is in her grave and I swore that I would take this secret to my grave as well. But I just can’t keep this from you. It will explain things, trust me.”

I can’t imagine what deep dark secret he would be keeping and once again, my thoughts go to the worst.

“Okay. Here goes. And just promise me one thing…you won’t think any less of me after you’ve heard the story.”

“Ash, I love you unconditionally, you know that.”

He smiles and begins the reveal. “Well, shortly after Anne started working for the firm she was with in Atlanta, her hours were unbearable. She was working so much in hopes she could make partner sooner than most. She was a woman working in a man’s world. We leased a condo downtown close to her office in addition to the house we had in the suburbs. Kinda the same setup we have here with the condo.

“Many nights, she worked so late that she ended up just staying at the condo. Eventually, she almost always stayed there during the week, just coming home on weekends. We had no kids, so it wasn’t a big deal. I was out of town a lot with my job, so it just worked for us. I had no reason not to trust her, nor did she have any reason to not trust me. We saw each other on weekends. Life was good. Anne got pregnant and we were beyond happy. And when we found out she was having twins; we were all the more blessed. She continued to work grueling hours throughout her pregnancy, and she didn’t take care of herself very well. The last two months she was confined to bed and it was just awful on her. She went into labor at thirty-three weeks, and I’ll tell you, those boys were sure tiny.

”Hayden had to get blood due to a congenital condition he was born with. I was the first to volunteer to give blood for him. It was then that I received the shock of my life. News that no father wants to hear. I was told there was no way I was the biological father of these boys.” His voice cracks and he takes a deep breath.

“Oh, dear God!” I say.

“I knew I had to confront Anne and find out the truth. She told me that she had an affair with one of the senior partners who owned a unit in the building where our condo was. He was much older, and things just sort of progressed from working late, to working late and dinner, to working late, dinner, and sleeping with each other.”

“Ash, my God, I’m so sorry. You don’t have to do this, really.”

“Please, hon let me finish. I need to get this out. It’s got to be told.” He has tears in his eyes and I can tell this is very hard for him to talk about. “It’s been an albatross around my neck for thirty years, and it’s goddamn killing me.”

My thumb softly rubs the top of his hand, and he continues.

“So, when Anne came clean with the story, she said that shortly after she found out she was pregnant, they ended the affair. The guy never knew she was pregnant by him, and she never pursued it. I never met nor asked who it was. I didn’t want to know. It hurt so badly. I was devastated. I think deep down inside, she knew they were his babies, because we hadn’t had sex almost that whole month. I had been gone almost all month flying, so we hardly even spent a night together the whole month.

“I never once doubted I was the father until that day at the hospital. So I had to make a decision. Accept them as my own, or end my marriage and tear apart three families. In addition, it could have been devastating for her career. I chose to accept them. Anne and I swore secrecy, and we never once talked about it after that day. I was never the same after that day. I tried to hide my disgust and disappointment from Anne, but she always knew I felt it. It hurt so damn bad, Olivia. I tried hard to just get over it, but you know that’s easier said than done. Anyway, that’s my story. I guess you can tell they’re not anything like Tommy in looks or demeanor. They’re very much like Anne, in fact. Not overly affectionate, very driven and possessive. Classic type-A personalities. And, you’re probably wondering if I love them and accept them. To tell you the truth, I’ve raised them and given them everything they needed from a father, including love. Do I love them like I do Tommy? No, I don’t. I can’t love them the same way.”

He breaks down and is crying hard. Seeing this strong, confident man reduced to tears is breaking my heart. I have no idea what to say, so I just listen.

“When Anne got pregnant with Tommy, I knew he was mine. From the day he was born, we had this connection. I can’t describe it, but he is from me. Tommy is my flesh and blood, and it’s a totally different relationship. We’ve always been close, and have had this unbreakable bond. Anne, I think, sensed this, and she always had this soft spot for the twins. She didn’t resent Tommy by any means, but she always felt she had to do more for the twins because of the situation. I don’t expect you to understand—hell, I don’t understand it sometimes. And seeing how they reacted to you just tore my heart in two. Never in a million years did I think they would react like that. It was totally uncalled for, and for that, I’m sorry. All I can do is tell you that I’m in love with you and you’re my world. I can only hope that sharing this with you will explain things and won’t drive you away. Honestly, I debated not telling you, but I just couldn’t keep it inside. Especially after what happened. So, you’re not going to bail on me, are you?”

“Ash, I thought you were going to bail on me. I’m not going anywhere. You have my word and my love. I can’t even imagine having to carry a secret like that for so long. But, while I’m not going to bail, I’ll admit, I was totally humiliated at the way the twins treated us. What you’ve told me tonight makes me understand somewhat. I understand that they were caught off-guard, but…”

“But it wasn’t right, Olivia, you’re 100 percent correct. What can I do to make this better?”

“Ash, I have absolutely no idea what to do. Look, they obviously aren’t on board with you and I being together. I definitely don’t think you should push us on them. Let’s just let them have time to digest this whole situation. They’re certainly entitled to their opinions. Look, they loved their mom. They miss her, and they aren’t ready for Dad to have someone else in his life just yet. God knows, I don’t know how I’d feel if I was in their situation. I guess I just thought you’d told them about us.

“And for that, I’m sorry Olivia. The right opportunity just didn’t present itself. It’s different with them than it is with Tommy. Tommy was totally on board before I even told him. You see how he is, you see how they are. Night and day. But you do know I love you, and that I’m not going anywhere, right?”

“Yes, now I understand.”

“Well you’d better, because I’m not going anywhere unless you’re with me, Olivia!”

He stays with me until I fall asleep, and then goes back to his house.

The next morning, I head over to Ash’s house to finish some Christmas wrapping. I see that Ash’s car is gone, so just let myself in. As I head into the kitchen, I hear voices. The twins are in the kitchen having coffee.

“I just came by to do some gift wrapping. Gonna get a roll of tape out of the drawer here and I’ll leave you two alone.”

Neither boy acknowledges me, and once again I can feel the tension. It is so damn thick that I’m going to get out my imaginary butcher knife and just cut through it. Okay. I can do this.

“Look, guys, I know we got off on the wrong foot. Not knowing about your father and me before you got here was probably not a good idea. I just assumed that you both knew.

“Well, we didn’t.” Hayden says very matter-of-factly. “We just weren’t prepared for this. I guess we knew Dad would find someone someday, but …just not so soon.”

“Look, I totally understand, I…”

Wesley gets up off the stool, points his finger at me, gets in my face and shouts at me. “No, you don’t  understand, okay? You don’t understand—you have no idea, lady!”

I am stunned. This kid has just gone off on me for no reason! My face gets hot and I’m really pissed! I don’t deserve this. The best defense is a good offense, so I explode and shoot right back at them. They’re not going to get the best of me. I get in his face and I point right back at him. “Look, you little shit! I’ve had just about enough of your bratty-ass attitude. For grown educated men, you sure act like spoiled children! Un-friggin’-believable! You’re not spoiling my Christmas with your crappy, rude, disrespectful attitudes! The two of you owe your father and your brother a huge apology. Shame on you both! You act as if I’m the bad guy here, trying to come into this relationship and take the place of your mother. Let me just tell you that I would never do that. I’m not the ogre you think I am! No one in the world can ever take the place of your mother. You have a wonderful father and a brother who love you so much. Family is second to none. If you don’t have family, you don’t have a fucking thing, buddy, and the sooner you spoiled brats realize that, the happier you’ll be!”

Oh, my God! That didn’t just come out of my mouth, did it? Todd is rubbing off on me, and boy would he be proud!

The twins are completely silenced by my remark—silent as the dead. I turn around, hold my head up, take a deep breath, grab my tape, and triumphantly turn to go into the den and gift-wrap. My inner self is smiling and telling me, “Well done!”

After a few minutes, the boys come into the den. I casually ask. “So, where is your father?”

Wesley says, “He went into town to finish his Christmas shopping. Ahhemmm…Look, time out, here. We’re sorry, and you’re right, Olivia, we did get off on the wrong foot. I’ve got an idea though….Hayden, come on.”

Okay, this is weird. They go outside and close the front door. Soon after they ring the doorbell.

How strange!

The doorbell rings again. I think they’ve probably locked themselves out, so I get up to answer the door. When I open the door, there they both stand there smiling.

“Olivia, hi! I’m Wesley Harper, Ash’s son, and this is my brother Hayden. We know nothing about you, but we’re pleased to meet you.”

They both laugh and that breaks the ice. They each have stepped out of their comfort zones, and each one gives me a hug. Each one’s body tenses when we hug, so I’m thinking they aren’t big on affection; but they’ve stepped out of their boxes, and I’ll take that.

“Well, how wonderful it is to meet you boys! I know you’ve got to be happy to be back at your home again…come on in. So, are you hungry? Do you want me to make you something to eat, or get you some eggnog?”

“Yes to both, please!” Hayden says.

“Ditto for me”

After they eat, we all sit in the den. They watch me wrap.

“Olivia, your tree looks really nice.” Hayden says.

I tell them how Tommy and his guys came to put the lights and decorations on for me. I also tell them about Emily.

“So, little brother has a girlfriend?”

“Yes, I don’t know if you got to meet her the other day…she’s darling!”

“Well, maybe Wesley and I can go watch the inked one and his band play one night while we’re here. You know, we’ve never heard them play?”

“Well, I gotta tell you, they’re really good! You won’t be disappointed. In fact, I think you’ll be really proud of him!”

I hear the front door open and Ash walks in with lots of packages. He sees us talking in the den, sets his bags down, and looks confused.

“Liv, what’s going on?”

I’m smiling. “I just made your boys something to eat and they’re keeping me company while I wrap gifts.”

“Really?”

“Really, Dad,” Wesley says.

“We’ve reintroduced ourselves and are trying to make this work.” Hayden says.

“Wow! This is unprecedented!”

I finish wrapping and put the gifts under the tree. “So, you boys okay for a while? There are a few more things I need to get, so I’m venturing out on a shopping spree.”

“We’re good, Olivia. We’ll help Dad wrap while you’re gone.”

Ash is happy, I can tell. I know he wants us all to get along as badly as I do. I vow to myself that I will do whatever it takes to make sure we have the best Christmas ever! I head back to the mall. I’ve decided to get the twins and Tommy LV laptop bags. After all, what’s another 7 grand in the big scheme of things? I want them all to have a nice Christmas. When I get to the store, Gabrielle is working and immediately comes up to me. “So, you’re back! Something for you today?”

“No, I need three more of the laptop bags please.”

“Wonderful! We can definitely fix you up!”

I present my credit card and hope to God it can stand the sale. I stand there, nervous as hell while my purchase is totaled and rung up. I watch as the screen displays “approved.” Thank God! I’ll worry about how to pay for this later. I collect my huge LV bags, and head back home.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and I am anticipating a wonderful night. I call Ellen to check in about Christmas dinner.

“Olivia! Merry Christmas! Everyone in yet?”

“Yes, they all are.”

“Wesley and Hayden as well?”

“Yes, they are.”

“Soooo, how did that go?”

I sense that she expected exactly what happened. “Well, a bit of a rough patch at first, but I’m happy to report that we’ve worked through it.”

“Wonderful! So, we’d love for you guys to come over around noon on Christmas Day. Will that work?”

“Absolutely! What can we bring?”

“Just yourselves, honey. I’ve got everything covered. God! I can’t wait! This is going to be the best Christmas! Melissa and Trey are in, too. It’s been ages since the kids have all been together.”

I wrap my gifts for the twins and Tommy and put them under the tree. My kids come over that night. Ash tells me that he doesn’t want me cooking, so he has reservations for us all at an Italian restaurant. Tommy and Emily are meeting us as well. Ash tells me that tomorrow, for Christmas Eve, he’s got a car coming to take us to mass and then to dinner.

“Liv, I just want you not to have to be a slave to the kitchen, so you can just enjoy the family.

“Ash, I can cook. I really don’t mind. It’s what I do.”

“Hon, just humor me, please. It’s something I want to do. I figure we can do gifts after we get back from mass, if you don’t think it’ll be too late. There’s a 7:00 p.m. mass, so we can do that instead of midnight mass, if that’s okay with you.”

“That would probably be better on our little mamma. I’m okay with whatever you think, Ash.”

Christmas Eve is finally here, and I just want to freeze this day in time. All the kids are getting along. The twins seem to really like Lainey and Kellan, as well as Bradley and Dalton. I don’t know what they expected. Maybe they thought my kids were a bunch of uneducated boring people. Tommy is a bit reserved about his brothers, and isn’t sure how to react to their sudden rush of kindness and family spirit. I’m thankful Emily is here for him. He comes up to me puts his arm around me.

“Olivia, I don’t know what you said to my brothers, but they’ve done an about face…what the hell happened?”

“Tommy, there are some things that are better left unsaid, and I’m pleading the fifth on this one.” I wink at him and I think he gets it.

We all arrive at the church and take up almost the whole pew. There’s one seat left and I put my purse in it, hoping, just hoping maybe Todd will show up. After the processional and starting of mass, I realize that he’s probably not coming. I understand, though. I’m sure he’ll meet up with us afterwards. Just then, someone taps my shoulder.

“Excuse me, is this seat taken?”

I turn and see Todd. “Yes, sorry, it’s saved for our friend Bert.”

He smiles and whispers, “Well, then, move your ass over and let me in!” Classic Todd. “Oh, and no worries, Olivia. I did the confession thing, so I’m good to go on communion.” He pats my knee.

God is indeed good!

Todd drove his mustang to church. My kids, who know nothing about it, see it in the parking lot after mass and there is a fight to see who gets to ride with him to the restaurant. “Little Mamma, you win, and you get shotgun!”

Everyone else rides in the limo with us. Once we get to the restaurant, Ash has once again gotten us a private room. Great wine, superb service, wonderful food, wonderful family! Tonight, there is cause for celebration. Ash stands at the head of the table and motions for me to get up with him.

“Lord knows, we’ve done our fair share of toasts lately, and frankly, I kinda like this! Tonight, though, we’re so happy that my other sons, Wesley and Hayden are here with us. This is a coming home of sorts and I’m feeling so darn lucky tonight. Our extended, blended family means so much to me, and I think Olivia shares in my happiness.” I nod my head yes. “So, let’s all raise our glasses and toast to family, good food, good drink and a very Merry Christmas!”

We all raise our glasses. Dinner is wonderful. Stuffed and happy, we all head back to the house to have our Christmas. I have coffee and spirits ready when we go into the den by the tree.

“Mom, so what’s this game we’re playing,” Lainey asks.

“Well, at Thanksgiving, as you remember, we all did our thankful-fors. Tonight we’re gonna spice it up a bit! We’re doing naughty or nice!”

The kids all laugh and their little brains are churning.

“So, to kick this off properly, let’s start with Todd, and you all have to stand up while you’re saying.”

Todd gets up. “Well, contrary to what you guys would think, I chose naughty, of course. It’s naughty what Ash and Olivia are probably thinking right now. They probably wish we’d all go to a club and leave them alone tonight. And naughty, because I got Lainey to ride in my Mustang. Just her and me! She’s freakin hot! Naughty Baby!”

We all laugh. Next up is Wesley. At first, I didn’t think the twins would feel comfortable doing this, but he seems to be warming to it.

“ Ahhemmm. Okay. Nice is what I’m going with. It’s nice that I made nice-nice with Olivia. Nice that she opened the door—she knows what I mean!—and she’s actually pretty cool!”

Hayden, next, says, “I call naughty! We were pretty naughty to Olivia and I’m really sorry, but she can definitely hang, and throw some pretty damn naughty words back. Also glad she opened the door.” He laughs, and sits down again.

Next are Bradley and Dalton as Bradley speaks for them both “We’re doin ours together. Nice, can you believe it? It’s nice that we’re all together. Sorry, don’t mean to sound metrosexual, but we’re really glad we’re having such a nice Christmas! Nice to have Dalton back in the old U.S. of A!”

We all clap.

Okay, Lainey is next. “Nice for me, too. It’s nice that I’m pregnant and can get away with so much. My husband is soooo nice and takes such good care of me!” She giggled as the two exchanged glances. “Nice to be with my extended family, nice that I got to be the one to ride in Todd’s car and y’all didn’t, and nice that I’ve only gained three pounds so far Whew! That’s it.”

Kellan stands up and shakes his head. “Okay. I’m goin’ with naughty. I’m damn tired of being nice, so Lainey, let’s get naughty tonight!”

I laugh and tell them, “Ewwww, TMI!”

Tommy stands up. “I’m going with nice…what, did you guys think I’d be naughty? It’s nice to have my brothers here. Been way too long! And to have such a wonderful family and girlfriend is totally nice. And, did I mention we’re going on tour? Extra nice!”

Emily’s turn. “Okay. I call naughty. I’m gonna promise to be naughty while the guys are on tour and skip out on classes to go see them! Totally not like me, but I think I can do the naughty thing a few times!”

Tommy and Todd fist pump. “Oh hell yeah!” Todd says.

That leaves Ash and me.

“Olivia, call your poison,” Ash says.

“Well, I’m calling nice. Predictable for me, huh? It’s so nice to have all of us together. And I agree, nice that we’ve made nice-nice…twins, you know what I mean, huh? And nice, so nice that I’m looking forward to many nice Christmases to come! Okay, Mr. Harper, your turn!”

Ash stands up. “Callin’ naughty!” Everyone laughs. “Naughty, because…well, because it’s none of your damn business! Let’s open gifts!”

Ash plays Santa and hands out the gifts. The kids all open their gifts from Ash and me. Yes, I say Ash and me because I realize that Ash wants to be part of this, and it means a lot that he be included. Time for me to just give in a little bit and not be so stubborn.

Lainey is first to get hers open. “Mom, Ash, are you totally kidding? Oh, my God! This is amazing!” The rest of the kids are impressed as well. Wesley and Hayden totally weren’t expecting theirs.

“Damn, Dad and Olivia! These are awesome! Thanks so much!”

Tommy and Todd love their guitar straps. Todd gives me a hug. “No one has ever gotten me anything like this! Freakin’awesome!” He’s somewhat emotional. I know he’s missing his Grammy and that, with the loss of his parents, Christmases probably aren’t the best season for him. He brings a box from the entryway.

“I forgot to put this under the tree. Olivia, here, it’s something from me and the guys.”

I open the box, and in it is a beautiful Louis Vuitton Never Full large bag. “Wow! My first Louis Vuitton! This is really too much, guys. Way too much! I love it, though!”

“We thought this would be good for you when you and Mr. H. travel. Lainey said you didn’t have one.”

“I’m speechless!”

Ash and I give Emily her gift from us. Well, from Ash, really, since he paid for it, but I’m trying to relinquish my stubbornness. It’s a very generous gift certificate to Nordstrom. Matter of fact, I’ve never gotten a gift certificate for this much.

“Oh my! Mr. Harper, Olivia, this is way too much. I can’t accept this.”

“You can and you absolutely will.” Ash says. “Merry Christmas dear!”

Emily then opens her gift from Tommy. Inside a little black box, is a pendant specially made from her own signature. “My God babe! This is my handwriting. It’s exactly how I sign my name! How did you do it?”

He tells us he had her write her name on a piece of paper. “She had no idea why I asked her to do it.”

“So who made it,” she asks.