Out of The Box Awakening (9 page)

Hearing those words makes me start to cry again, really hard.

“Olivia, honey, please don’t cry. I didn’t mean to make you start crying again. Awww, come on, now”

He keeps rubbing my head, telling me that everything is going to be ok. I still feel like I’m a stranger, on the outside looking in. I lie in his arms, numb, but finally at peace, I think. I can breathe now, and my body does begin to relax. Tears still stream down my face. Where they are coming from, I have no idea, since I literally have no feelings. But they don’t stop…I can’t stop them. My eyes burn so bad. I just wish I could stop crying. I never cry, and I feel so embarrassed for making a fool of myself in front of Ash. Why can’t I just be strong?

After what seems like an eternity, Ash tells me, “Olivia, let’s get you out of the tub and into bed.” He lifts me out of the tub, takes off the wet shirt and my panties, and dries me with a soft, warm towel. He puts me into one of his T-shirts, which literally hangs on my body, but I don’t care. He sits me on the vanity stool and begins to comb my wet hair. Then he gets some nice-smelling lotion and starts to rub in onto my arms and legs—not in a sexual way, but in a caring, nurturing way. His touch is so tender, so careful and soft.

He gets his toothbrush, puts some toothpaste on it and says, “Open your mouth Olivia—let me get your teeth brushed.” He brushes my teeth like he’s done this many times. “There now- spit and rinse, honey. That’s my girl. All better.” He dries my face and gives me a hug.

I’ve never had a man give me a bath, put lotion on me, take my makeup off or brush my teeth. I think to myself, I’ve never also had a man leave me. Lots of firsts for me tonight, I guess. I look into the mirror. The sight of my reflection scares and repulses me. I look ugly and awful—How can he bear to look at me? I can’t even stand the sight of myself. My eyes are nearly swollen shut and my nose is blood red. I look like something out of a horror movie.

He carries me up to my bedroom, pulls the covers back on the bed and fluffs the pillows. “In you go,” he whispers.

“Ash, please... I can’t bear for anyone else to leave me tonight. Please—stay with me. Don’t leave,” I begin to cry really hard again.

“Liv, don’t. Please, honey. Don’t cry. I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He gets in next to me, turns me on my side, and curls up behind me, wrapping me in his arms. He only has on boxer shorts. I feel the warmth of his skin against me. He has strategically placed a pillow between his waist and my back. I am comfortable. I can feel his skin on mine from the waist up. My body relaxes.

“Try and go to sleep, Liv, I’m here with you. I won’t leave you…I promise.” He kisses the top of my head, rocks me softly, and I try to drift off to sleep.

“Ash?”

“What honey?”

“Why? Why did this happen? What did I do? What didn’t I do?” I start to cry again, and am shaking.

“Olivia, I have no idea why this happened, I swear!”

“Was he cheating when he was living here? Did you know anything?”

“Liv, I swear I knew nothing. No clues. He came home from work and didn’t say a word about anyone else. I would have told you if I knew anything—Jesus! I can’t believe this either!”

“What am I going to do, Ash? My world has just ended. I am a failure—I have no home now. My kids are going to be devastated! I’ve never worked since we married, so what the hell am I going to do now?”

“Shhhhh, honey—just relax and go to sleep. We’ll figure this out, I promise. You just need to go to sleep now. I’m right here with you.” Ash is rocking me continuously and gently, and I feel that he is totally here for me. Soothing music is playing, and that is the last thing I remember before dozing. My eyes are so swollen that I don’t think I even have to try and close them. I have cried so much that I don’t even want to wake up and look at myself.

During the middle of the night, I realize that I need to go to the bathroom. I get up. Ash immediately wakes and asks if I am okay.

“I’m fine, I just have to pee.” I go into the bathroom and look at my face. I look like a freak. My eyes are swollen almost shut. My nose is still huge and blood red. My God—I can’t let anyone see me like this. I just want to go back to bed and sleep forever. My head is throbbing, so I take something and hope it will work fast. I keep thinking that what happened must be a dream, but somehow, I know better. I sit on the commode and put my head in my hands.

Ash softly knocks on the door. “You ok, Olivia?”

“Yes, fine thanks. I’ll be through in a minute.” When I am finished, I slip back into bed and he is there to rock me back to sleep. Tears well up in my eyes again. I can’t believe there are any tears left in my body.

Ash senses that I have started crying again. “Honey, I am right here…Shhhhh. Just sleep, sleep. I’m not going anywhere.” He continues to rock me back to sleep. I finally drift back off—encased in his arms, warm and safe. Thank God. Maybe I won’t wake up and have to face this tomorrow.

I do wake and see the sunlight. I am by myself in bed, and suddenly I panic. I get out of bed and am wobbly. It takes me a while to get my footing and I hold onto the bed. I guess Ash can hear that I’m up; it’s only a minute before he hurries into my room.

“Hey Sunshine. I just went downstairs to get the coffee going. Don’t worry. Are you ready to get up?”

“No, I really just want to go back to sleep if that’s okay… I have to pee again though”

“Here—let me help you get to the bathroom, then you just hop back into bed and I’ll check on you in a bit. Want some coffee?”

“No thanks. Just a bit more sleep, please.”

“Okay, hon. I’ll leave you alone.” He waits for me to go to the bathroom and helps me back into bed.

I sleep for the better part of the day. Around 4:00 Ash comes up to wake me and tells me he thinks I should come downstairs and move around a little.

“Olivia, you need to get up and at least move around and eat something. I made you a sandwich and some soup. Come on, now.”

I force myself to eat—not much, but I know Ash is right.

The house phone rings, and I jump. Ash answers. I think its Alan. He takes the phone into his office and he has a heated discussion. I can make out his words, even from where I am.

“You sorry-ass son of a bitch! I fucking can’t believe you can even think of doing this to your wife and family. Christ! Is a piece of fucking ass worth pissing your whole life away? What do you mean you think you are in love? You have a wife who loves you—how can you possibly need anyone else? No. No...You just shut the hell up and listen to me, you sorry-ass piece of shit! You have destroyed the one thing in your life that should matter the most. Olivia and your kids deserve much more than this! You don’t deserve them. I just hope to God that Olivia doesn’t take you back if you do get your head out of your ass. You don’t deserve her, Alan! You fucking don’t deserve her—do you hear me? Don’t ever call this house or me again, or you’ll be sorry. I mean it Alan, and you can consider that a threat! You have gone below low this time, and you’re not welcome here again. .Period.. You got it? Do I make myself clear? I can and I will make your life a living hell if you try to contact her again!”

He hangs up the phone and comes into the kitchen.

“Was that Alan?”

“Yes, hon, it was. I didn’t mean for you to hear that. I’m sorry, I just lost it. I shouldn’t have, but I can’t help it. I can’t believe what he’s done and how he’s torn your family apart.”

“What am I going to tell the kids? And when should I tell them?”

“Let’s not rush into things. Take a few days and then we can come up with something. I’ll be with you every step of the way. I just want you to get through Thanksgiving. You need to enjoy time with your kids. Forget about him—for now, anyway. Why don’t you go upstairs and take a bath, do your hair, and put on some makeup? It will make you feel better.”

I realize he is right, so I do just that. My eyes are still a swollen mess, but I find soaking in the tub is comforting.

Thoughtful man that he is, Ash knocks on the door before coming in. “Liv, here—I brought you something to help your eyes.” In a small bowl, he has brought me some ice-cold cucumber slices. “I know these are good for your eyes. Lay back in the tub…here” He places them on my eyes and turns up the music. He lights some fragrant candles around the tub and tells me to relax.

I realize that I am naked in the tub—I freeze.

“Relax, honey, remember, I have seen you without clothes on. No worries. Just relax. After your bath, I am taking you dancing.”

I panic. “Ash, please, I can’t go anywhere. Not tonight.”

He reassures me that we are not going out, and instructs me to put on what he has laid out for me on my bed. “Fix your hair, put on some makeup, get dressed, and come downstairs.”

I do as he instructs. I do feel better with my hair dried and some makeup on. The swelling in my eyes has gone down, so I at least feel presentable. On my bed, is one of his white dress shirts with his monogram on the cuff, a pair of clean panties, and a single long-stemmed red rose. I wonder what he has up his sleeve to make me feel better.

I get dressed and head downstairs. At the bottom of the stairs is a beautiful bouquet of fresh flowers. From there single rose petals mark a trail into the kitchen, where I find two wine glasses and a fruit and cheese platter on the counter. The lights are dimmed, and there are candles all over the breakfast room. Outside, the twinkle-lights glow in the trees around the patio. Soft music is playing.

Ash walks over and pours me a glass of wine. “Olivia, you look amazing. I know you don’t feel like going anywhere, so I am taking you dancing here, just you and me.” He holds his hand
out and smiles, his eyes asking, “Dance with me?” He has on a pair of jeans and a white dress shirt just like the one I’m wearing and he’s barefoot. He has the most amazing feet.

He holds out his hand and takes me into his arms. A beautiful song is playing. A raspy, soulful voice sings about coming in from the cold and closing the door from the hurt making you feel alone. Our dance is slow and sensual, and I feel so secure. We stand almost still, but our hips sway, and I feel him.

“This is wonderful, Ash. I can’t believe you did this. Who is that singing?”

“It’s Marc Broussard.  A beautiful song for a beautiful lady.” Ash softly sings the words in my ear.

In spite of what has transpired this past twenty-four hours, I suddenly feel wanted—and desirable. I haven’t felt this in ages. We dance almost nonstop to soft slow music, and I am taken away by the music and by this wonderful man. He is here to pick up the broken shattered pieces of my life that Alan has left me with.

“Ash, I am so sorry that this has happened. I have no idea what I am going to do now…how to tell the kids. I have no idea what to do.”

“Honey, tonight is all yours…don’t even think about anything tonight…and that’s an order. Let’s just get Olivia back to being Olivia.”

He carries me into his room and places me on his bed. There are candles lit and the room is dark, except for the candlelight. Soft music is playing. He gently unbuttons my shirt, but leaves it on.

“Olivia, I am going to spoil you, tonight. I want you to just relax and feel…feel all the hurt away.” I have an idea where this is going, and he immediately senses my fear. “This is all about you honey—not me. I have enormous feelings for you, and don’t get me wrong, I would love nothing more than to make love to you, but for tonight, just lay back and let this be about you.” He has a bottle of lotion on the nightstand, which he opens and pours into his hands. It is the lotion he bought for me the night I first got here, and it smells wonderful.

He begins by spreading my legs ever so slightly…softly rubbing my feet—then my toes -one at a time. He softly kisses the arches of my feet.

Oh, my God—every nerve in my body is coming alive. With his tongue, he gently moves up my calf, kissing, lightly blowing and licking softly, then back down to my feet again. He rubs the lotion on the inside of each of my thighs.

“Feel good?”

“Ummmm…very. I’m so relaxed, Ash.”

“That’s my girl. You feel so good. Your skin is so damn soft. Now, close your eyes. No peeking!” He knows me too well.

He continues the soft kissing and blowing until he has reached my hips. My breasts become so sensitive. I can’t believe how totally aroused I am. He breathes softly on my belly. My back arches out of total reflex. He blows softly at the apex of my most intimate and private spot, then expertly, with his tongue, begins to explore. I am throbbing and on the brink of orgasm, but he won’t let it happen yet.

“We’re going to take this slow—slow and easy. Just relax.”

Immediately, I come to my senses and freeze. “Ash, I…I...I can’t have sex with you. As much as I want to right now, I just can’t do this! I can’t, Ash. I’m so sorry.”

“Olivia, I don’t want to have sex, or make love to you…not yet, anyway. Believe me, the time isn’t right. This is not having sex, Olivia; this is about touch and feeling. That’s all I want for you.”

“But this isn’t fair to you.”

“Shhhhhh…no more talking or thinking, Liv. I’m serious! This isn’t about me, remember?”

He closes my eyes with his fingers and pats me on the nose. He cups my breasts and caresses them. I moan, softly, and the sound of my moans is something very new to me. Could it be that I am actually starting to feel again?