penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (30 page)

“Um, yeah, that would be why I asked.” She laughed as she pulled a jacket on over her top and I breathed a sigh of relief at having part of that battle stopped. “I’m ready when you are,” she said, putting her phone and cash in her pocket, leaving her purse on the bedside table.

I sat up from her bed and took her hand, pulling her toward me. She stood in front of me between my legs and I wanted to kiss
her and not just a chaste kiss either. But it wasn’t time. I resorted to just pulling her in for a hug. I wrapped my arms around her and lay my head against her chest. I could hear the beat of her heart as she ran her fingers through my hair. She paused on my ear and I smiled as I heard her heart rate increase when she leaned to kiss my ear before tracing her finger along it.

I laughed, “I caught you doing that in the middle of the night.”

“Doing what?” she asked as she kept running her finger across my ear.

“You like my ears
.” I laughed as she pulled me tighter to her and gave my shoulder a light shove.

“So what if I do?”
she asked, letting go of me as I stood. I didn’t want to leave her. But I had a list I needed to do today. It works out that Petra called her into work. As much as I hoped to spend the day with her, I needed to keep my appointment with Stinson and I needed to talk to Blake. I wanted to punch Blake, but I decided it was in both our interests to hold back.

I was running late for my appointment with Stinson before I even left Hannah’s apartment to take her to work. I was going to hear it from him. I entered the waiting room and found it empty. As I approached the orange counter, his receptionist gave me a nod and called back to notify Stinson of my arrival. I took a seat in one of the brown chairs. I ran my hands across my jeans and then leaned forward on my knees, clasping my hands. I was nervous as hell to tell him what I needed to say. It’s crazy how turning one corner in your life can change your entire outlook.

The door to the back opened, and I looked up as Stinson tilted his head at me and my tardiness. “I know, I know
,” I said with my hands raised in surrender. A questioning look formed on his face as I followed him back to his office and he shut the door behind us.

“Okay, spill it. You told me some on the phone last night, but I want to hear it again. I was half out of it since you
woke me up.” He jumped right into it.

“I talked to her. It took me a few days to take in what you said last week, but yesterday I threw caution to the wind and approached her. I invited her over for dinner
,” I said as I took my seat in the leather chair he had in his office.

“Good,
” he said sitting back in his chair and raising an eyebrow at me. “So you waited until the last minute? At least you didn’t take more photos of her without her knowing. You didn’t did you?” he asked with a raise of his brow.

I laughed as I ran my hands across my knees, “I just had the perfect reason yesterday. I had her, Blake, and Blake’s latest fling over for dinner and no, there were no pictures taken this time.”

“That’s a freaking huge step for you, Wynn. Did you open to her?” he asked.

I pulled at my lips and took a deep breath before speaking. “Yeah
, I did, and she did as well.” He lifted an eyebrow. “We both spoke of things we hadn’t shared and it was good that we did.” I looked away before I continued. “I even told her of things I only told you. I just didn’t give the details,” I said meeting his eyes again, he gave me a questioning raise of an eyebrow as I tried to calm myself. I ran my hands across my knees as the sweat on my palms increased.

“It’s good that you have trust established, that’s important. How did it end last night?”

I looked up at the ceiling, as I thought of last night, “It didn’t,” I said. My thoughts drifted to the helpless boy from the night before and I had to continue with my confession. “For most of my childhood, I thought I was worthless and the only definition of love expressed to me was from a crazy drunk. I was just an object. I was less important to my mother than the newest lawn decoration she found. I have let her words and actions haunt me and I still see myself as an object. But I am an object of my own making and want to be more. Hannah tapped on my shoulder and reminded me I was human. It wasn’t that she was doing something miraculous, we were just being.”

“I can’t imagine how diffic
ult life has been for you, Wynn.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees as he spoke with determination. “What you just did these last couple days is more growth than we have made in the last two years. I am proud of you. You are a strong man. You may not realize it, but you are. Your mind is strong and as you work on growing out of the pain from your past, you will continue to grow stronger. There is bullshit we have to get sorted.” I nodded. “You need to remember, you are not constrained to your past and don’t worry for tomorrow or the future. Right now is all you have.”

I let a small laugh out, “That so
unds like something Hannah said.” I relaxed back into the chair and lifted my ankle onto my knee, more sure of myself than I ever was. Just the thought of Hannah made me that way.

“Well, she must be a very intelligent young lady then.”

“She is, believe me. She is. Speaking of strength, she has it. She's the strong one, but she's let life beat her, and she doesn't want to believe she can be good.” I played with the shoelace on one of my chucks as I thought of what I wanted to do. “I want to be more than I am,” I said as I looked at him with sincerity and continued. “It's the first time I have someone in my life that I wanted to grow for and convinces me that it just might be possible.”

“You nee
d to do that for yourself, Wynn,” he said with a pointed expression.

I said, “I know. But I want to for her as well. She makes me strong enough to conquer past pains. When I’m with her my counting and anxieties grow quiet. I don't even hear them anymore when I am with her. This need to protect her drives me to be more. My own self-preservation isn’t as strong. Yeah, I want to keep myself sane and safe, but it's not just for me it’s for her.”

He smiled at me, “That’s a good step, Wynn. I think getting out of your head will help. You've focused on your internal dialogue for too long and I did say you need to let the world meet you. Look how it has worked, you met Hannah,” he said with a cocky grin.

I
smiled in response, “I shared your advice with her.” He furrowed his brow in question. “I suggested she makes her thoughts her bitch.”

He rolled his eyes with laughter and then the rest of my hour long session continued as usual.

After my appointment I headed toward Blake’s and parked my bike in front of his building. When I reached the top of the stairs, his apartment door was ajar and tension crept along my skin. I took several deep breaths before walking in the door. I couldn’t let my angry demons show their faces. I have to stay calm and rational. He stopped himself last night, nothing happened. Hannah was right, he had integrity. He didn’t betray me.

Without a word I entered his apartment and helped myself to a cup of coffee, then sat across from him in his living room. He was sitting in his arm chair staring at the couch where I now sat.

His eyes were blank as he leaned his head on his propped up arm. His hair was in disarray and it made him appea
r crazed. “I fucked up, Wynn.” He dropped his hand onto the armrest, rubbing the corner of the leather chair with his thumb as if he could erase the anxiety with every repetition.

“I know
,” I said as I leaned back in his couch and propped my feet on the coffee table.

“No, I mean, I fucked up big time.
I didn't just cross the line; I jumped it and did my sexy dance,” he said with a serious yet panicked expression, trying to mask his guilt with humor.

“I said, I
know
. I talked to Hannah last night,” I said and with reluctance, he met my eyes and his brow furrowed as he looked at me with confusion. “Yeah, I stayed at her apartment last night.”

“I’m sorry, man. I was in a messed up state. Abby went postal last night, and I drank. I was waiting to talk to you and my mind got all screwed up and I saw—”

I raised my hand to stop him from talking further. “I don’t need details, Blake. You didn’t go through with it and I thank you for that, so no worries. She was trying to punish herself with you. So I guess I should be relieved that she doesn't see you as anything more than a one night stand.” I eased into the couch.

“What are you talking about?” He raised his eyebrows, and I noticed he hadn’t slept much last night.

“She punishes herself with sex, man.” I lifted my coffee cup and pointed at him. “She punishes herself with empty… meaningless… sex. So you saved her from that last night and I thank you.”

“She does?”
he said as he looked off and realization hit, “Oh god. Shit.”

“What?” I asked with my own raised eyebrow.

“Her drunken night a few weeks ago, she started talking to Gabe and me about her sister and she rambled on other stuff. I thought it was just the alcohol talking. God, I’m an idiot. I didn’t even think about that.”

“You knew?” I raised my voice, and it shocked him because I never yelled at him. I took a deep breath, reminding myself that this is my friend. I didn’t let him respond to my question before continuing
. “It doesn’t matter. I just came here to say thank you.”

“Umm, you’re welcome. So you stayed there?”
he asked changing the subject in a rush.

“Yeah, I did. We just slept though. Hannah needs more than sex. She deserves something epic and I’m going to give it to her
,” I said with self-assuredness.

Blake leaned back in his chair and pinched his lips together as he listened.

“I need to open her eyes, just like she did mine.” My tone grew quiet as I looked into my coffee mug, thinking on how far I have come.

Blake let out a small laugh, “Shit man. I've never seen that expression on your face, Wynn.”

“I have a goal for the first time in my life, Blake. There is no end point with this goal. There are only many
yets
.” I looked up at the ceiling as I remembered how soft her hair was when I traced my fingers through it. The morning sun made the lighter parts look like strung gold.

“Yets?”

“Yeah, take my word on it.” I lifted my hand and gave a scowl that said he wasn’t going to get a further explanation.
Strung gold
.
Hell I am in deep and I don't give a shit.

“Something is different a
bout you, man. You seem lighter,” he said as he smiled the cheesy smile he always did.

“What do you mean I seem lighter?” I laughed.

He leaned forward and pointed at me. “There’s this determination that makes you seem less depressed.”

“Motivation does that to a person. I want to show Hannah there's another way
.” I rolled the coffee cup between my hands. “I want to show myself there's another way too.”

“I hope you aren’t using her as project or something
,” Blake said with a hint of self-assurance of his own.

Where the hell did that come from?
I clenched my fists as I fought with my anger. “How the hell can you say that? When have you known
me
to use people?” I didn't hide the accusation from my tone.

“Point taken. I d
on’t want to see anyone hurt.” He leaned back in his chair as he rested his arm along the back of it.

“That determination you see? The first moment I met her, she set me ablaze. I can’t live in the past and I didn’t realize how alone I was until I met her. There is no going back from that. I was surviving, existing and now I want to live.”

“That hurts,” he said as he put his hand over his heart. “You weren’t alone man. You had me, you had Sid. You had Petra and everyone at Böhme.”

I leveled my eyes at him
. “Fuck off, Blake. You date to push your own loneliness away. I never dated because I was content to be alone. Now, that I met this amazing person, I see how alone I was. Her crossing my path has been an awakening for me. It’s epic.”

“You keep saying that word,
epic
. You haven’t been reading romance novels again have you? That was one of the weirdest freaking things ever seeing you read a book from Petra’s chick porn section.” He laughed.

“Whatever. A book’s a book. I wanted to know what the hype was and Petra wouldn’t shut up until I read it
,” I said with a laugh.

“You are strange, Wynn
.” He threw a pillow at me. “But that’s why you’re my friend. Despite it all, you’re awesome. If you think it's what you need to do, you have my blessing.”

“I don’t need your blessing. And quit with the cheese, man. It’s just weird
,” I said as I threw the pillow back. “But thanks, I guess. Back to what you said earlier though, I’m not going to allow either of us to get hurt. I care about her too much. It hurts I care so much. When I found her crying last night, I had an overwhelming need to take the pain away. It’s an irrational need and no human could do that, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try like hell.”