penance. a love story (The Böhme Series) (31 page)

Blake sat thinking unspoken words as he watched me for a few breaths. "Well, I don’t know about helping her, but she is
 doing something for you. It's obvious," he said and without another mention of it he turned on his gaming console and threw me the other controller.

“Do I have to be your supporting character this time or do I get to lead?” I asked him.

“Well, since I am player
one
, you are supporting again,” he said with a laugh.

“Fucker
,” I said as I settled in and began to play. I let my mind drift as I focused on the game until my thoughts went back to the job I had last night. “Since you always want to hear stories from my work, last night there was an assault, and it was crazy because the kid reminded me of myself years ago.”

Blake closed his eyes for a moment as I was sure he recalled his own memories of a younger version of me, but he continued to play. “Yeah, that is creepy.”

I nodded as I continued, “It was brutal man. I have seen a great deal of shit, but I can’t get that out of my head.” I paused the game, and set my controller on the couch. I ran my hand through my hair in frustration. “I won’t tell you everything because it was graphic, but seeing it made several memories come to the forefront. That’s why I went to Hannah’s. I needed to get my mind off of it.”

He
grinned foolishly at me, “You needed a hug didn’t you?” He was having a hard time understanding this new side of me. So was I.

I laughed, “I don’t know why I even said anything
.” I remembered something. “Wait, you said you and Abby had a fight. What happened? You never said.”

He sighed and looked at the ceiling
. “She said that I was flirting with Hannah. I didn’t realize what a jealous person she was. I don’t think I was flirting with Hannah at all.”

“Do you want to stay with her?”

“With Abby?” I flipped him off in response. “Just kidding man, I know you meant her. I think she’s cool, but if she is going to get that possessive I don’t think I want any of that. She reminded me of Jekyll and Hyde last night. She was super sweet at your place, and as soon as we made it to the street to leave, she flaked out. She started going on about how I didn’t care enough or some shit. It was like she had a tally system or something, weighing how good I was to her. It was weird. We’ve been on maybe six dates.” He stood to get a beer from the fridge. Popping it open he took a drink before continuing. “She said she thought I was better than that or something. I was an ass and told her to fuck off and that I didn’t need her crazy shit.”

I took a deep breath
. “I agree. That’s messed up, but you are still an ass.”

“I know. I guess it’s good
that it ended before it started,” he said with a shrug.

We returned to our game and our conversation ended. The words we shared for the next hour were of our virtual quest and there was no more talk of girls and craziness.

A few hours later, I was still at Blake’s and my phone buzzed with a text from Hannah. I read it a few times and couldn’t stop smiling. It was a simple text, as she was just asking me to come to the bookstore. It floored me and I wondered if it was male pride I felt. She had said she needed me and it made my chest swell. I hoped this didn’t lead to beating my chest caveman style.

“I have to go
,” I said as I stood to leave.

“Okay
,” Blake said as he stood to pull me in for his traditional bro-hug. “It’s weird, but cool, seeing you get texts from a girl” he smirked.

I gave him a glare t
hat said I wanted him to shut his mouth. “I know.” I rolled my eyes and headed to the door.

I walked into Petra’s store and saw that it was empty of customers. I didn’t see Hannah at the counter and I walked up the rows trying to find her. I found her standing above me on one of the balconies. I watched as she tilted her head to the side and read each of the titles, running her hand along their spines.

She had calmness in her demeanor when she read. It was the calm that forms as one travels into imagination, the truest form of serenity. The path changes over and again, leading the inner soul further into its own unique dance of life. When the final leg of the journey is reached and each
step of the dance is learned, we look back to see we learned more about ourselves with every turn of the page.

I put one foot in front of the other and concentrated on the motion as I drew closer to her. I wanted to run toward the spiral staircase that could lead me up to her. But hesitation and anticipation of the moment I touched her again, kept my eyes trained on her movements and my steps slowed. It was inspiring watching her here. The pain and sadness followed her like a cloud, but she bore it easier when it was her and the books alone. She didn’t have people around her to cause her
to build walls or to secure her mask in place. She was free.

I climbed the stairs and with continued hesitation in my steps, walked toward her. I noticed the change in her shoulders as I came near and I hated being the cause of it. I didn’t want to be the one that shook her from her peace. She stood up from her bent over position and didn’t turn toward me.

I approached her and watched the slow advancement of my hand as I lowered it onto her shoulder. She sighed at my touch and her shoulders relaxed. I watched my other hand as I recreated the same motion onto her opposite arm and leaning in, I pressed my nose into her hair. Memories of last night, lying next to her and the scent of vanilla enveloping me filled my thoughts. 
Hannah surrounding me as I pulled her close and counted her breaths.

We stood there for a short time, but it felt infinite. That was how it was around her—like every moment before her didn’t exist and every moment after didn’t as well. We were present, now, unbounded.
God, if Blake could hear me now.
I pushed the thought away, not out of embarrassment but because thinking of my best friend while with Hannah needed to stop.

Her shoulders tensed under my hand and I wanted to will it away. Then she spoke, “There’s so much I want to say, but the words are hollow compared to the feeli
ngs I have when I’m near you.” She pulled my hand from her arm to interlace her fingers with mine. “I can’t guarantee I won’t screw up at times, Wynn. But I want to try for you. I want to be better.”

My hand that remained on her shoulder flexed as I closed my eyes to fight the reaction my body had to her. It was instinctual by the years of training my mother put me through, but it was different. An outside hand didn't force it, but my own will to show Hannah the purity I saw in her did.

I turned her to face me and my own control I never knew I had washed over me. I took her face in my hands and as my eyes embraced her, I began to lower my lips to touch hers. Her breath picked up as she pulled her bottom lip in and gave it a slight lick of her tongue. She kept her eyes open as she watched me move closer to her. I touched our lips together and stood there for a moment, not wanting to move. Her exhaled breaths sent a shudder through me and warmth straight to my crotch. She filled me with an intensity that overpowered every experience found in my memories. I inhaled her breaths and closed my eyes as I pulled away from the simple kiss that hadn’t deepened, but held so much.

I wanted that kiss to show her how much I longed for her. I wanted to move with slowness, but every part of me wanted to rush into her, feeling every part of
her. I wanted her to annihilate my walls. I wanted to show her that I needed nothing more than to know and explore every part of her. It wasn't her body that pulled me to her, I wanted her heart. I wanted her mind. I wanted her being. I stepped her back toward the bookshelf and put my hands on either side of her, caging her between my arms.

Her eyes looked across mine as if she tried to write me to memory. I did the same as she embedded herself into me and the light she was bringing with her covered the dark memories that haunted me. The ghosts of my past went into hiding with every one of her smiles. As she watched me, her smile touched her eyes before it reached her mouth. A masculine pride landed on my shoulders as she did that for me. I never wanted to claim a smile from a girl, but Hannah brought out every primal need in me.
 

“Hi
,” she said with a quiet voice as she kept that smile on her face.

I smiled in reply and traced my fingers along her cheek
. “Hi.”

She pulled her lips in a tight line and looked away with hesitation. “I have to confess.”

"Okay, but I'm not catholic, or a priest, but we can stop at St. Joseph's on the way home if you want," I said and she let out a laugh that formed into a snort and my eyes grew wide with shock and I laughed myself. "Holy shit, you just snorted," I said and she shoved my shoulder before trying to duck below my arms and escape.

I pulled her back to me and held onto her as her laugh tore us both away in the moment. She pushed away from me to lean over with her hands on her knees as she tried to catch her breath. "Now I must confess something myself, Hannah. That was the sexiest thing I have ever seen. My joke wasn't even that funny
.” I laughed as I put my hand on her back.

She laughed harder and raised her finger to me as she tried to stop. I took a second look to verify it, but yes, she chose her middle finger to raise, not the pointer one encouraging me to wait. She flipped me off which added to the growing need she created in me. She caught up with her breaths and turned a scowl to me before she spoke.

"Okay, ass wipe. Let me talk without your joking. I got a call from my parents and I need to go home for something,” she said and my heart fell into my stomach. I didn’t want her to leave, not when we just began to drop our walls. She took a deep breath. “And, my first instinct was to text you to come here. I didn’t call Maggie, as I always do. I sent you a text without question—what does that mean?”

I gave her a self-assured grin
. “I think it means that despite my lame jokes, you trust me and it means the world that you do.” I kissed the tip of her nose.

She smiled with a nod
. “I think you’re right. I do have a favor to ask, though.” She met my eyes. “Are you up for taking me home? Not my apartment, but home, home. My mom said I needed to come back for this
something
, but I'm not sure if I can handle going alone. I know we've had just a few dates and here I am asking you to go home to visit my crazy parents. But will you go with me?”

“Of course, I’ll call work and tell them I
’m unavailable for a few days,” I said, causing her to lower her head with an expression I could tell was the start of guilt. “Don’t do that,” I said, as she looked up at me. “I’m serious. I have never taken a break from work. There’s no reason for you to feel guilty for me taking time off work. You should be proud for being the first reason for me to take time off.” I smiled proudly at her.

“Oh, don’t
get a big head now,” she said as she punched my shoulder in jest. I leaned in and kissed the side of her mouth and touched her hand again. The free way I spoke and the comfort I had with her, baffled me. My life never held such promise. With Hannah every moment was a promise of happiness and freedom. I took her hand in mine and kissed every one of the knuckles that had hit me.

"If you keep looking at me that way, a big head is inevitable
,” I said as she sighed before looking off, deep in her thoughts.

“
My family sucks,” she stated with a flat expression. “You heard stories last night, but now you get to see it firsthand. I just want you to know what you are getting yourself into with me.”

“I want to go with you. It will be our first road trip
,” I said as my smile widened.

She laughed
. “Yes—gas station food and the wide open road.”

I stepped away but kept our hands locked together
. “That sounds awesome. I want that jerky that looks like chewing tobacco.”

“I love that stuff,” s
he said as she laughed and walked toward the staircase. I watched her shoulders as she walked and I could tell this trip was not one she wanted to take. I didn’t ask what was bothering her about her parents. If she wanted to avoid it, I would as well. From what I have learned of her in our short time together, she will tell me when she is ready.

We made our way back to the counter, and I watched her as she counted out her drawer. “How’s Petra doing?” I asked as I toyed with a Shakespeare Bobble head.

“She’s doing better than she was this morning. She said she’ll be up and ready to take on the day tomorrow.” She smiled. “You should go see her, I’m sure she’d like the company,” she said as she pointed to the stairs that led to Petra’s apartment.

I nodded in agreement and stepped toward Hannah before leaving. I put my hands on either one of her arms and brought her attention to me. Without a word I pulled her into a hug. My main goal was to show her how amazing she was. I kissed the top of her head as I pulled away from her. As I turned, I caught a glimpse of her shoes and what was covering them.

“I’m not the only lover of quotes,” I said, pointing at her shoes.

She turned her shoe to the side and laughed. “Yeah, I've been writing on these for five years now. Lily and I were the ones that started them toge
ther. She had a pair as well,” she said with a sad smile.