Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) (10 page)

We’ve sent
each other messages a few times, or better yet, he’s sent messages and I’ve responded. I’m not ignoring him, although I can see how it would seem that way. We’ve kept it platonic with some casual chats.

In the past few weeks I’ve been working on myself. For the first time since I can remember, I have made myself a priority. If it weren’t having sex with guys, I was emerged in my job, never fully exploring myself and where I am going in life.
Or who I truly am. I’ve been so scared to disappoint people and myself that I’ve been living on the surface of life. I want to submerge myself into life; all those things people talk about, all those feelings people have discovered through their journey.

I have forced myself to feel only two things, fear and physical pleasure, but I’ve lost track of true, deep emotions that allow us to learn and explore life.

So I haven’t been ignoring Grayson or shutting him out per se, but I need this time to myself. Fortunately, Steph and Kyle have been caught up on their own relationship and where it could lead, so she hasn’t been on my case about staying in on the weekends and my glum mood at times. Although I know this is something that I need to do, it hasn’t been easy and I have a long way to go. So when the magazine finally goes out, and Steph suggests celebrating with some drinks, I am hesitant to say the least. I miss Grayson. I’ll admit it, and going out with Steph and Kyle will only make me think of him and the last time the four of us were together. I don’t want to go home with some random stranger just to get laid. A lot has changed over a short period of time, I know. I’ve changed, and my way of reacting to situations has changed, but I guess it’s all for the good, learning to deal with my emotions. Great, now I sound like the closet psychologist.

I know I can’t avoid the outside world forever and the possibility of running into Grayson. Chances are he’ll have some tall blonde wrapped around him again. I don’t expect him to be waiting for me. I was the one that needed my time. I just hope today’s not the day. I don’t think I’m that strong yet.

Steph and I head out of work to a local bar nearby. We grab a table and order drinks while we wait for Kyle to arrive. “Cheers,” says Steph. “To your growing success. I am so proud of you. In just a few months you’ve been able to fulfill your dream.”

“Thanks, Steph. I couldn’t have done it without my cheerleader.” We drink and talk. Steph has been much more lighthearted with me and doesn’t bring up Grayson or what I’m doing with my life. She’s respectful
, and I love her for that.

“Hey, guys!” Kyle greets us as he arrives and takes a seat next to Steph. He gives her a small peck
. It’s so loving and tender. I’m a little jealous. I wish I could be so carefree and open with someone I care about.

“Hey, Kyle. Thanks for coming out. How are you?” I say.

“I’m good, Mia. It’s good to see you out. I miss seeing you. You’ve been kind of a hermit lately between work and all that, but I wouldn’t thank me for coming so soon.” Kyle says looking guiltily at me, and my heart can’t help but race at his comment. What is he talking about? “I accidentally invited Grayson to join us,” his face contorts anticipating my scream. “We’ve become friends since we went to Promenade, and I ran into him earlier today. He asked what I was up to tonight, and I told him we were coming here. He didn’t ask to come, but the look of disappointment he gave me that you hadn’t mentioned it to him made me feel bad for the guy. He’s head over heels for you, Mia, and I think you should give him a shot. Being a guy, though, I also know he won’t wait forever until you find yourself.”

And there it is. What no one has dared to say out loud. I am “finding myself.” I’m not freaking finding myself like some crazy person, I am trying to heal myself so I won’t make the same mistakes I have in the past because I want to do things right. “It’s okay. I’ll have to see him eventually. I was just hoping it was a more crowded place with a better fire exit.” I joke.

“Well, I’m glad you feel that way because he’s walking towards us.” Steph says. I’ve never felt so nervous in my life. For God’s sake, I’ve had sex with this man, but I still feel bad for leaving him the way I did and not really sharing with him what is going on. I guess in a way I have kind of shut him out.

“Hey, y’all.” Grayson says, and the familiarity of his voice and accent hits me and gives me chills.

I take a deep breath before turning to him. “Hey Grayson. How are you?” I try for nonchalant, but I know I’m not fooling anyone. This is so awkward, even more so having Steph and Kyle witnessing it. I’ve always been the cool and collected one.

“I’m good, Mia. Congrats on the issue. Kyle told me it goes out tomorrow. Can’t wait to read it.” His expression falters letting the disappointment he feels for my lack of communication show for a second. Anyone else may have missed it, but I’ve learned to read him so well.

“Thanks,” is all I could manage to say as silence fills the table.

I am ever so grateful when Steph interrupts, breaking the tension a bit, and says, “Drinks all around? I need a refill.”

“Yeah. I’ll go with you,” and I stand up to follow her towards the bar.

“What the hell is all that about, Mia?” Steph asks in disbelief.

“I don’t know. I’m nervous. Last time I saw him I had just ran into Chase and was a mess. We’ve spoken a bit, sure, but I haven’t seen him since that Sunday we came back from the music festival.” Had I known I’d get the questioning and accusations from Steph, I would’ve let her get the beers by herself.

“Well, you sound like an idiot. Sorry, but as your best friend I gotta tell you how it is. And let go of your lip! It is just Grayson. You can hold a normal conversation with him. We’ll take a shot before going back to the table to
help you ease off the tension.” She orders two Jager shots, and we shoot them back quickly.

We go back to the table with a round of beers. After I finish my beer, I am feeling more confident and relaxed. The conversation is light around the table, but Grayson and I haven’t really spoken directly to each other. It’s like we’re dancing around Steph and Kyle, avoiding direct contact.

“Anyone up for a game of foosball?” Kyle asks excitedly.

“I am!” I respond. “This is my favorite game.”

“You’re on,” says Kyle challenging me with his eyebrows raised.

“Shall we do teams?” Grayson asks looking between Kyle and myself a little unsure of himself.
He’s usually so much more confident.

“Sure,” I say with a shrug.

“I get Steph!” Kyle exclaims. I give him a death stare. He must be doing it on purpose for Grayson and I to be on the same team. “If I beat her she’ll kick my ass, and if I lose to her she’ll never let it go. Gotta play it safe.” He laughs, and I can’t help but laugh with him. It’s so true. Steph will find a way to never let him live it down.

“I guess that leaves you and me, Sweet Pea.” I just nod. Hearing him say that nickname brings back memories of the first night we slept together, and so many more after that. It may seem silly, but it is so endearing.

We begin playing and my competitive side comes out. “Damnit!” I yell as Kyle scores another goal. The score is five to three and we’re losing. Grayson isn’t the best at this game, but it’s kind of cute watching him struggle to block the balls. I put him to tend to the goalie so I could be in the center of the table, but he’s let the balls slide in.

“Competitive much?” Grayson asks amused. I blush. I know he’s never seen this side of me, but I could get very competitive, that’s how I’ve gotten so far in my career, landing my dream job right out of college and rising in such short time.

“Just a bit. Focus!” I tell him as Kyle scores another point.

“That’s 6! Three
more and we win. Sorry, Mia, but I’m having too much fun kicking your ass at this game.” I roll my eyes and put on my game face, scoring a point, but we’re still down by two.

As the game goes on, I get more and more engrossed in it. We end up losing by one. Kyle is gloating, as I head to the bar for another drink. “Don’t be upset, Sweet Pea. It’s just a game. I probably should’ve mentioned I had never played before we began, huh?” Grayson has joined me at the bar and is enjoying seeing this new side of me.

“Yeah, I was better off with Steph. How have you never play foosball before?” I say puzzled.

“Never grew up around it. I spent most of my days outdoors, I guess.” He says seriously, and I feel guilty.

“Sorry, Grayson. That was insensitive of me. I should know better.” I apologize feeling like an ass. “It’s just a game anyways, and I’m ready for my comeback, so drink up cowboy I need you on your toes if we’re gonna win this one.” I say handing him a beer and walk back to the foosball table.

“Okay, Kyle, are you ready for game two?” I challenge.

“Are you sure, Mia? You don’t want to lose two in a row.” Kyle is enjoying this competition way too much, and I am ready to shut him up.

“Shut up and start the game. Winner begins.” And just like that I begin to dominate the game. I score three in a row, leaving Grayson as goalie again. He’s much better this time around and has blocked a few shots. Kyle scores one, but I get to sneak another point before he makes his second goal. Steph must be tired or bored because she’s less aware of the game. I end up winning
nine to five.

“Best out of three,” Kyle says less enthusiastic than earlier.

“Aw, Kyle. Guess now you’re the one who got his ass kicked. I’m down for best out of three.” I say smiling at him.

“Well, that makes two of you. I’m done playing.” Steph says annoyed.

“How about just you and me then, Mia. We’ll give these two a break.”

“Sounds good, Kyle. Are you ready? I start.” I say confidently. It is definitely more challenging playing without a partner and managing all the rods at the same time. This game is more intense and it lasts a little longer, but I manage to beat Kyle by one point.

I am ecstatic. I haven’t had this much fun in a while, and I’m glad I came out tonight. “Good game, Kyle.”

“Yeah, you too, Mia. We’ll have a rematch another day.”

“You got it.” I agree.

“As much fun as this has been, I’m beat. I’m heading home. You want a ride with us, Mia?” Steph asks unsure of how I’ll react being left behind without being asked.

“I can take her home,” Grayson’s nerves are evident on his face and radiate from his body.

“Is that okay with you?” Steph eyes me quizzically.

“Um… yeah that’s fine. I’m just going to go home. I can take a cab so you won’t have to go out of your way, Grayson.” I say fidgeting with the bottom hem of my shirt and biting my lip.

“Don’t be ridiculous. I think we can manage a car ride.” He expresses the awkwardness we’ve all been trying to ignore all night.

I say bye to Steph and Kyle. “Are you sure you’re okay going with him? I don’t mind heading back with you?” Steph asks, her voice worried, as I hug her goodbye.

“I’ll be fine. I can handle this. Plus, I need to get used to being around him. Baby steps, but it’s a good start. Thanks for being the best friend anyone can ask for.”

I leave with Grayson in awkward silence. He must’ve noticed Steph’s hesitance to me leaving with him. I hope he didn’t take it the wrong way. He tries for some casual conversation but it isn’t working, and I’m biting my lip like a mad woman trying to control my nerves as my knee bobs up and down frantically. We have things to talk about, I know that, but neither one brings it up. Maybe there’s an unspoken understanding that we are just friends, and not great ones at that if we can’t keep up a conversation without others around us.

Chapter 9

Grayson drops me off at home, and I feel relieved and sad to be away from him. It is difficult to be so close to him and not be able to act like we used to. It is almost painful. I get ready for bed and lie down thinking of how I am going to learn to forgive the people in my past and myself in order for me to move on and be happy.

As much as I love my job and have worked so hard to rise in my career, I know I need to stop using it as an excuse to not deal with what is going on in my life. I have always found ways to cover up what is the reality of my life. When my parents were going through the divorce, I lost myself in school. When our friends and neighbors talked about my mom’s inappropriate behavior and my future as the town slut, I lost myself in men.

Now with Grayson and the Chase fiasco, I am losing myself in my career and hiding in my home. Seeing Chase was frustrating, but it also reminded me that it was easier with him, letting him call the shots and fuck with the knowingness that it was nothing real, no real emotions tied to it. Although I thought I felt something stronger for him, I think I always knew deep down that it wasn’t anything real. After meeting Grayson, I am convinced those feelings were not real. I got more upset at his manipulations than anything else.

Suddenly I hear a loud knock at my front door. Who the hell knocks at someone’s door so late in the night? I don’t open at first, but the knocks grow louder and harder. I look through the peephole to make out who’s there when I see a familiar silhouette. My heart begins to race when I distinguish who is on the other side of the door.

I open and feel his body crushes into mine in a passionate kiss. “Grayson…” I breathe and try to pull away but that electricity that always pulled us together is strongly present.

“Don’t say anything, just tell me if you felt anything right now.” He says breaking our kiss and searching my face in the darkness of my apartment, only the dim light of the light post outside shines over us.

Although I can’t see him clearly, I can make out the sadness in his eyes. “I- I don’t know. Yes I did, but I can’t, Grayson. I’m trying, working, to make things right with my past.” I try to explain, but the words don’t come out right.

“Mia, we can’t leave things awkward like this. That car ride was the worst of my life, being so close to you and not able to touch you or even talk and tease like we used to. Why did we get like this? Why are you pushing me away? You can’t just ignore me; throw me out of your life like that. I promised you I wouldn’t let you break, but I can only keep that promise if you let me in.” I look at his desperate eyes searching mine for answers. I kiss him as passionately as he had, wrapping my arms around his neck and pulling him in. It feels right having him in my life, but I also know I need to work things out before I can fully be with him. How much longer will he wait though? Kyle was pretty clear he wouldn’t wait long. I already expected him to have found someone else to take my place in the two weeks we had barely spoken.

Our fingers begin to move quickly, fumbling with each other’s clothes, like if we were starving animals devouring our prey. I push all rational thought to the back of my mind and get lost in his kiss. We move together quickly, too caught up in the heat of the moment to move anywhere. We rip each other’s clothes off, kissing and touching each other everywhere, desperately feeling the other like if we might disappear in that moment. His touch feels amazing on my skin. My body burns everywhere he touches me.

“Mia…” Grayson moans into my lips, almost begging. I grab his ready length and move my hand over it back and forth a few times. “Please, Mia let me have you.” Grayson says, and there is so much meaning to that phrase. I should stop right now. I shouldn’t let it get this deep because I know what he wants isn’t a friendship. However, all I do is nod staring into his eyes. Maybe it’s selfish. Maybe I’m a bitch, but I want, need, to feel him right now.

He bends me over at the waist, my back to him, and places my hands against the wall. I hear the sound of foil ripping and his hands moving to put on the condom. He moves his hands leaving my skin burning under his touch from my shoulders, down the curves of my body, arousing my breasts, down my hips and around to the front cupping my sweet spot and moving his fingers over me as he enters me from behind. I moan loudly, arching my back so he can enter my completely.

He moves slowly at first, savoring each second. Then he picks up speed, yet the desperation we felt earlier is gone. It’s sweet, passionate, and perfect. We move together, finding our rhythm, and although it’s been a couple of weeks since we’ve seen each other, we work perfectly like if no time has passed.

Grayson begins to kiss my neck as his hands play with my breasts, pulling and rubbing my nipples between his fingers and I feel it burn at my core, building my desire. He continues to move in and out of me, filling me completely and taking me on a whirlwind journey of desire, passion, lust, and peace. Yes, peace because being with Grayson inexplicably calms me.

As one of his hands stays at my breasts, the other moves south to play with my sweet spot, circling it and moving back and forth increasing the heat. I
feel my climax building from my hips down. “Oh my God, Grayson… please, don’t stop.” I mumble as he turns my head and kisses me fervently, his tongue intruding my mouth and claiming it as his. It doesn’t take long before I’m lost, tightening and climaxing around him, and I feel him thrust into me one last time finding his release, too. We mumble unintelligible words, and he collapses on my back while we come down from our intense climax. Grayson slowly eases out of me, removes the condom, and leads me to my bedroom.

I’m spent, in and out between consciousness and sleep. I awake a little later with Grayson caressing my cheek. He kisses my forehead, his eyes searching mine; unsure
of what he’ll see when he finds them. Maybe he thinks this is a beginning for us. Or maybe he thinks this is goodbye. Both of those thoughts scare me. Am I ready to say goodbye? I don’t think I am, but I also don’t think I am ready for more. Will I ever be ready for more with him? He is usually so good at reading me, like if he has some power of entering my thoughts and reading them, but right now he seems lost.

He looks at me intently, passing his hand through my hair gently, giving me chills up my spine. His other arm is wrapped around my body tightly. I hear his breathing hitch a bit, and I think he is tired. He pulls me as much as possible into his body.

“Mia, I love you. This is it for me. I know we discussed our relationship and our limits, but I can’t help what I feel. This is new to me, too, but together we could make it work. Learn with each other and grow together. I know it won’t be easy, but I rather have hard with you than easy with someone else. I see my future with you. Actually, I can’t see a future without you. You’re my soul mate, as much as I used to not believe in them. That term was bullshit to me, but you’re what I’ve been missing from my life. The reason I have felt so empty, so lost at times, is because you were missing.” He spills his heart to me and I freeze, wide eyed. After a few minutes, I dare to peek at him from the corner of my eyes. The look in his eyes is heartbreaking.

I don’t know what to say. My mind is going at a hundred miles per second, but my mouth won’t move. I look up at him. He still holds his arm tightly around me, possessively. I want to explain to him my feelings.
I want to tell him yes and no at the same time. He knows so much of me, everything actually, but seeing his eyes right now, the fear of rejection, I can tell he hopes that I’ve changed in the past few months. And I know I have, but I don’t know if it’s enough to give him everything he wants.

I see the hope that I am willing to risk it all for him like he is willing to do for me right at this moment, but I just freeze unable to move. I don’t think I can even blink or breathe for that matter, and I start to feel lightheaded.

Breathe!
I shout to myself.
Talk to him!
I finally gasp and breathe air into my lungs. He closes his eyes and shakes his head. His heart is breaking. I’m breaking it for him. I promised I never would. I promised I would never cause him the pain I saw in his eyes when he spoke about his mom and life in South Carolina as a child. He has trusted me so much, why can’t I make him happy. I want to.

“Grayson…” my voice barely audible.

“Don’t” he raises his hand at me letting go of his grip around my body and sitting up on the bed. I am suddenly really cold. I sit up, too, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. “You don’t have to say anything. I knew what I was getting myself into when we began this… ‘relationship.’ I was broken. I found comfort in you like I had in other women in the past, but somehow you were different, you are different.”

Once again, he’s left me speechless. What the hell is it about him and his words that cause insecurities and doubts about my choices to enter me and shock me to my core. I can usually hold up my own end of a conversation without a problem, but he takes away all sort of coherent thought.

“But shit, Mia, you know I have feelings for you, ever since the first night at
Luxe
. I had never felt such a strong connection to anyone before. It scared the fuck out of me, but I had to be near you. I thought if you got to know me on your “terms,” you’d let your walls down and see that I’m not a bad guy. After you told me about your parents, trusted me with that, I thought we were moving forward, baby steps albeit, but making progress. And I know I saw it in your eyes at Promenade before that asshole showed up. I know you felt something, too.”

“Grayson, I don’t know what to say. You’re not a bad guy; you’re great. I just don’t see myself in a relationship. I’m not that kind of girl who wants to be swept off her feet.” I’m babbling. I don’t think even I believe myself because as much as all that was true, Grayson has changed a part of me. “I am just fine grounded where my feet are. You knew this. Fuck! I know what we have is different than any hook up or one night stand. I know that, but I don’t know if what I feel is strong enough. You’re a great friend. I don’t know if this is it for me,” I whisper, eyes looking down avoiding all kinds of contact with him, and I know that Grayson could be it for me, but the thought of hurting him is stronger.

My heart is breaking. I can’t look at him. I can’t see the sadness in his eyes. I know he’s been hurt. He stares at me, mouth open in disbelief, and sits up on the edge of the bed. “Mia, you’re so full of shit. Friends? Really? Maybe fucks a better word.” I cringe at his word choice. “You have this protective shield not allowing anyone in, some kind of indestructible wall. I get that, I really do, but it’s a fucking excuse. Are you even capable of loving anyone but yourself? Look at yourself. Look at what you’re saying. You don’t see yourself in a relationship. What the fuck do we have then? We sleep together, we go out, we talk, we’ve shared our most intimate feelings, and we aren’t fucking anyone else.
That
is a fucking relationship. I’m not coming to sweep you off your feet. I want to stand next to you, firm in the ground, equals.” Now he’s pissed. I see his beautiful blue eyes clouding over, gray with anger, pain and sadness. How dare he talk to me that way, though? Although, part of me thinks being his equal sounds perfect. I just can’t get myself to do it. I’m a coward.

“
I’ve been waiting weeks to hear from you, worried as shit that you were kicking yourself for what happened at Promenade, for what Chase said. You won’t even let me in and talk to me. Your responses to my messages are short. I’ve been going crazy not knowing how to comfort you, how to show you what a dick he is. How perfect you are as you are, flaws and all, because none of us are perfect but together we can make something perfect. You just shut me out, and I’ve had to find out about how you’re doing through your friends.” He admits but doesn’t look embarrassed. How did Steph not tell me he’s been asking about me? 

I want to reach up to him, comfort him, hug him tightly and never let go, but I’m frozen in place, and he’s distanced himself from me, physically and emotionally. An incredibly sexy, confident, loving man wants me in his life forever, and I freeze, rejecting him, hurting him with each minute that passes. “You’re afraid, a coward.” He mirrors my thoughts, brushing his hands through his incredibly sexy, messy hair. I am momentarily distracted. Will this be the last chance I get to see him, touch him?

“I know I am. I care too much to hurt you. I know myself. I’ll only run like I always do,” I reply weakly, defeated, lost; my head bowed down looking at my knotted fingers biting down hard on my lip.

“Ha, and this doesn’t hurt? You aren’t running now? You haven’t even given us a proper chance.” He says angrily. How did this get so horribly wrong and warped? Maybe I’m the warped one. Isn’t this how it’s supposed to work; you date, fall in love, get married. I wince at the thought. 

“I’m sorry Grayson. I really am,” I say as slow tears start to fall from my eyes. I want him to believe that I do care about him, more than I have ever cared about anyone, but at this moment I don’t think he’ll believe anything that I say.

His eyes change, those beautiful eyes I adore. They’re no longer clouded over with anger, but deep in thought like the depth of the ocean. Is this it? He speaks, his voice barely a whisper, “I know you are Mia, but I can’t do this anymore. I want more. I want you,
all
of you. I don’t just want your body; I want your heart and soul, too. I want love, like crazy, can’t live without you, we're best friends and greatest lovers, kind of love. And I want that with you, no one else. I knew it was a long shot, but I thought maybe, just maybe you felt the same; after what we’ve lived through together, shared. I thought I saw it in your eyes, too. I guess I was wrong. If I can’t have all of you for the rest of my life, I am not strong enough to be with the little bit you have to offer. I’m sorry. I gotta go. Goodbye.”