Perfectly Imperfect (Perfectly #1) (9 page)

After listening to a few more songs by Jake, we go in search of Steph and Kyle to grab something to eat. Grayson and I have barely spoken, but our actions show that there’s been a shift in our relationship. We eat some burgers and listen to more of the performances. I’ve got to admit that the country performers aren’t half bad, although I’d never admit that to Grayson. The energy around us is light and carefree. We’re all happy.

We get to our hotel and check in at the lobby. As we wait for our room keys, I hear, “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Mia Parker. Long time no see. What brings you around here?”

I freeze as I hear the voice that comes from the one person I’d live happily never seeing again, Chase. He can’t be here. Not now. Not when I finally feel myself free from my past. I turn around, “Hi Chase.” I say impassively.

His blonde hair is cut short, and his brown eyes are glossed over. He’s drunk. Chase and alcohol is a lethal mix. “Aren’t you going to introduce me? I’m Chase, man. You must be the poor guy she’s got fucking her for the night.” My jaw tenses and my fists ball up. Before I can answer, Grayson speaks up. I hate that they are meeting. I’ve never spoken to Grayson about Chase. Not because I’m ashamed, but because it is something I don’t want to relive.

“I’m Grayson, nice to meet you.” He extends his hand, and I’m surprised at how composed he is. I feel about ready to pounce on the asshole and bang his head into the tile. Yeah, I know I’m a bit aggressive, but Chase brings that out in me. “And no I’m not the poor guy fucking her tonight. I’m her boyfriend.” I freeze. All thought process stops in my mind. I am shell-shocked. I hope he just said that to protect me from Chase and make him feel like an ass and not because he really thinks that’s what we are. I’m not ready. Seeing Chase has made the walls build up higher than before.

“You got yourself a cowboy, Mia?” Chase laughs ignoring Grayson. “Giddy up, I know you like it rough.” Before I can react, I punch him across his jaw, catching him off guard, and he stumbles backwards.

I storm off into the elevator and feel Grayson right behind me. I just want to be alone, so I close the door before he can jump in. “Mia…” I hear the pain in his voice. He knows I’m running, but I can’t stop. 

Chapter 8

I don’t know where to go. I don’t have a key to our room, and Grayson would find me there anyways. I see a button with the word
Pool
next to it. I figured the pool would be on the ground floor, but I hit it and allow the elevator to transport me as I beat myself up about my reaction towards Chase. I should’ve defended myself. I’m not the same person.

As the doors open and I walk out to the pool area, I know it’s only a matter of time before I’m found by Grayson, if Steph doesn’t beat him to it. What a mess. All I wanted was to relax and get lost in this day; we were having such a great time.

I take off my shoes and sit on the edge of the pool, dipping my feet in the cool water. It relaxes me for a bit, and I begin to process what just happened.

Chase just reminded me of the reasons I have guarded myself. I close my eyes and just lose myself in my thoughts. Why would I run into Chase now and here of all places?

I need to get myself under control, figure out what Grayson and I are and what my feelings are. I also know that I can’t be with him. It was just confirmed seeing Chase. Memories of the girl I was with him come crashing back to me. I was pathetic. I did what he wanted, when he wanted it. I lived for him, and he just used me. I was vulnerable towards him, and that wasn’t a usual for me. At least if he would’ve thrown me out when he was done with me, but to begin fucking other people when he made sure I was loyal to him was the last straw. All the anger of years came out, and I left him. I don’t even think I can say we were in a relationship. He always had a way of getting deep in my skin, though, and I hated myself for allowing him to do so.

“Hey, girl. I saw what happened with Chase,” Steph brings me back to the now. I open my eyes and look at her.

“Shit happens, Steph. What do you want me to say? I’m finally starting to feel happy again, and he’s here ruining everything.” I shrug.

“Hell no, Mia. I won’t let you do this to yourself. That asshole doesn’t deserve for you to get like this over him. I refuse to let you ruin your happiness
because of his drunken comments or comparisons to your parents. I see you happy for the first time since we’ve met, truly happy, and I’ll be damned if I let you lose Grayson because of some douche that’s jealous.”

“Whatever, Steph. I’m just tired. I’m tired of dealing with my past. I moved to Portland to make a better life for myself, to let go of what I left behind and for some reason it follows me. Can’t help but think karma’s having some fun with me. I just want to be alone.” I feel bad telling her to leave, but I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.

“Okay, but Grayson will be here in a few seconds. He’s been going crazy running around this place looking for you.”

“Okay.” I say, and she gets up to leave. I close
my eyes again blocking reality.

Just as Steph predicted, Grayson appears right after she leaves. “Mia! What the hell! Don’t run from me. I’m here for you. I’m sorry I said I was your boyfriend. I know that’s not what we are, but I didn’t want to give him reason to say those things to you. I’m not some random fuck. I know we aren’t dating. I didn’t mean to upset you. I just wanted to help. When I saw how he spoke to you, I wanted to kill that fucker. I figured you wouldn’t appreciate that, so I controlled myself, was the bigger person. Then you run from me without one look back. That scared me. I thought we were finally making progress; you were beginning to trust me. I know you felt something back at the concert, too. Don’t deny it. Please say something, Sweet Pea.” He’s talking fast, and I hear the panic in his voice.

“You’re not a random hook-up. You’re my friend…who I have sex with. Maybe that’s the problem. We shouldn’t be having sex, just be friends. The lines are blurring, Grayson.” My lip hurts from chewing at it, and Grayson softly makes me release my grip by pulling it down with his thumb.

“Don’t do this, Mia. Don’t shut me out. Don’t let that guy get to you and control your happiness like that. Who was that? Was he an ex? I thought you didn’t date.” He sounds heartbroken, and I dare to glance at his eyes. I see the desperation in them.

“That was Chase. I met him in college right after I moved to Eugene. We started seeing each other shortly after. I’ll spare you the details, but not exactly an ex. He’s the only guy, besides you, who I’ve had around for a long period of time. For years my life revolved around him. He convinced me to not hook-up with anyone else and just be with him. He said he’d do the same, but he didn’t. I found out he was sleeping with a friend of mine. I broke things off with him.” I snort as I say this. “Not that we had anything to break. I was stupid and blind. He dragged me around, and I let him. Apparently, I still do.” I explain. “Sorry I never told you about him. It’s not something I like to think about.”

“Don’t you dare apologize. You don’t have to tell me. We all have a past, but that’s what it is, the past right?” He asks unsure. “Do you love him?” He whispers, and I hear the resignation in his question.

“No. I’ve never loved him. A long time ago I thought I did, but what I felt for Chase wasn’t love. It took a long time for me to realize this. Chase was lust, possession, addiction. Yes, an addiction that kept me away from my reality. He knows how to use his words to manipulate any situation, as you witnessed earlier. When I got to college I was devastated about everything that happened with my parents and my mom moving away right before my graduation. I felt lost and alone. He was easy to be around, so I found it easy to let go and give in to him.”

“I’m sorry, Sweet Pea. I’m glad you punched him, though. His expression was priceless.”

“Yeah, I told you my dad taught me to defend myself at a young age.” I say.

After some
time of silence, Grayson asks, “Are we okay?”

“Yeah, Grayson. Things are back to how they were,” I say because it’s all I could say. At this moment, I know I can’t let my walls down again. As soon as I do, something comes to ruin what could be.
I need to protect myself and Grayson.

“Let’s go to our room,” Grayson says pulling me up by the hand. I still feel the tension of this afternoon all around me, and although it’s not fair to Grayson, I know my walls are back up and any possibility
of us has gone. It’s also not fair to him to have to deal with my baggage

Once in the room, I take a quick shower and lay down in bed. I’m exhausted. Grayson doesn’t say anything, just lies with me after he’s showered and pulls me in closely and holds me tightly, like if he were afraid I’d slip right through him.

“I already told you I won’t let you break, Sweet Pea. I know you don’t need saving. I just want to be able to hold your hand throughout it.” He whispers.

“Goodnight, Grayson.” I say, and I hear him sigh in defeat. I can’t deal with hearing the hurt in his voice, but it’s better now than later when he’s in deeper.

I fall asleep thinking of that one moment where everything was perfect, dancing in his arms to that song, which symbolized our relationship so much. I know I will always be grateful for him showing me that there’s good in people, but until I mend myself I can’t give myself to anyone and no one can fix me but myself. I don’t expect him to wait for that day to come. At least I’ll always have that perfect memory.

The next day I am quiet on our ride back to Portland. Once we arrive to Grayson’s house, Steph and Kyle get out of the car to pack their things into Kyle’s car. Before I can open the car door Grayson’s grabs my hand and asks, “Do you want to stay and hangout? I’ll take you home later.” I can see hope fill his beautiful ocean colored eyes, and I just want to get lost swimming in them.

“I’m going to go home. I need to work on my article on Nika Svatova. We’ll talk, okay? I promise, soon.” And I walk out of the car and climb into Kyle’s. I can’t bear to look his way as we drive away, but I feel a hole in the middle of my chest, like if it’s the last time I’ll see him. I know we’ll talk again. I will see him again, but we’ve lost the hope of what could have been. Tears begin to roll down my face.

“Mia, I know you’re upset but-”

“Not now, Steph.” I interrupt her. “I can’t do this now. Just let me be for once.” And I close my eyes on the short drive to my apartment.

My apartment feels bigger, like if there’s furniture missing, but I know what’s missing is a piece of my heart. I know I shouldn’t let things like what happened with Chase interfere with my life and my happiness, but it was a reminder as to why I kept myself closed. It also reminded me that at any given moment something could happen to ruin that happiness. I know I can’t let it dictate my life, but I just need to learn to deal with those situations when they occur. Until I do that, I can’t be with anyone.

A few hours later my phone vibrates and I check my messages. It’s a text message from Grayson.
I hope you’re okay, Mia. Don’t cut me off. Please. I want you to be happy.

That’s all it takes for me to break down. I sit on my floor and let the tears fall. I don’t remember the last time I cried like this. This is why I don’t let people in because I end up getting hurt, and I do it to myself. Grayson hasn’t done anything wrong. I put myself through this torture, and I don’t know how to stop it. Maybe I deserve to be alone. I’ve got a perfect guy willing to help me deal with my demons, hold my hand through it all, and I deny him that. It should be his choice whether or not he wants to fight those demons with me, and he’s made his choice, yet I can’t give him the freedom to follow it because I’m a coward.

I reply to his text.
I’m okay. I’m sorry I freaked. I just need time to work some things out. And thanks for sticking up for me. I appreciate it.

My phone vibrates immediately.
Don’t apologize! I get it. I really do. Trust me. I’ll always stick up for you. I meant it when I said I wouldn’t let you break again. I care about you, Sweet Pea.

Me too, Grayson. Thanks.
And I say it because I really mean it. I do care about him.

The next few weeks fly by. I have been working on Nika’s interview and combining the photographs to the article layout for the magazine. Nika came in again a few days ago to take some more photos. She really is the sweetest girl.

We’re about ready to print our issue, and I am so excited to see it on the newsstands! For the first time in weeks I have a genuine smile plastered on my face. Since the music festival, I have barely spoken to Grayson, let alone seen him. It’s been hard because although I haven’t seen him, I haven’t had sex with anyone else either, which means I am feeling the absence of having some hot piece of ass touch me all over, but no one comes close to Grayson.