Phoenix (30 page)

“I’m not sure it did.”

“Of course it did. Every relationship you have with another human being alters you in some way, for better or worse. Take it as a positive.”

“I don’t feel different.”

“That’s because you’re pissed at yourself. You’ve been angry for months and you’re not willing to see anything decent about who you really are. I can guarantee she wouldn’t have stuck with you if you were the same man you were in your twenties. You might not have liked her much when she was that age, either.”

“My youthful indiscretions lasted well beyond my twenties,” Jack said, mentally tallying his romantic errors. Including more recent mistakes. But a discussion of that would take forever. He’d made sure his entire afternoon was free and he didn’t want to spend all of it trapped in a room with his doctor. Not when all he could see was the expression on Caroline’s face when she’d grabbed his hand. He shook his head. “We shouldn’t have told her.”

“I’m sorry. But she needed to hear it, and not for the reasons you think.”

“Why did she need to know?”

“She’s yearning for honesty. And she needs to know your demons, Jack.”

“Got a lot of them over the past two years.”

“That’s true,” she said. “Which is why it’s easier for you to work through the ones that existed well before that.”

Jack had spent enough time with Natalie. He knew where he needed to be. “I should make sure that she’s okay.”

“Then go.”

“Do you think this helped?”

Natalie smiled at him. “Let me know after you talk to your wife.”

Caroline sat silently on the couch, digging her fingers into the cushions. She’d taken off her sweater and put a hoodie on, even though the room was fairly warm. It was doubtful that the HVAC guys would ever get the system working properly, since the soldiers with those skills were few and far between. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

Suffering brings us closer to God
.

She hadn’t reflected on her spirituality since she’d gotten out of The Fed. Sometimes she wondered if she had any faith left at all. It was hypocritical to try to make peace with God and beg for mercy then turn around and ignore whatever grace had been bestowed upon her, but thinking about anything that complicated was more than she was prepared to handle, emotionally and intellectually.

Now was not the time to be negative, especially after the way the day had gone. She was disappointed in herself. Disappointed for walking out of the session, disappointed for not having the guts to go back, disappointed for any number of things she couldn’t quite identify.

There was a soft knock at the door, bringing her back to reality. She crossed the room and opened it, not bothering to check to see who it was.

Jack was leaning against the doorjamb, his hands in his pockets. “Hi.”

He looked drained. Caroline thought about pursuing it but held her tongue. “Hi.”

“I wanted to make sure you were okay,” he said.

She whipped out her most reliable canned response. “I’m fine.”

He eyed her outfit. “Aren’t you warm?”

“Kind of.”

“Your comfort should be a priority,” Jack said.

Caroline could feel the sweat beading on her forehead but wasn’t about to change her clothes. “Sometimes I’d rather be covered up.”

He straightened up. “May I come in?”

She frowned. “I’m sorry. I suppose it was rather rude to leave you standing in the doorway.”

“You’re standing here too.”

“You know what I mean.”

Jack smiled slightly. “Yes. Unfortunately for you, I can read you like a book.”

Caroline blushed and backed away from the door. “Well, come in, I guess.”

He sat down on the couch and she unconsciously took the seat next to him instead of at the end. “Are you sure you’re all right?” he asked quietly.

She bit her lip. He didn’t look so hot himself, which made his solicitous question cut even deeper. “I’ve been better. But I’ve been worse, too.”

“I’m sorry about what happened with Natalie.”

It seemed strange to pardon him for something that had wounded him so profoundly. “It’s okay.”

“I stayed to talk with her afterward.”

Caroline suspected she knew who or what they’d been talking about. “That’s good.”

“I wanted to come after you immediately but she stopped me.”

Yup. She’d definitely been the star player in their conversation. “I see. Why?”

“I was a little upset. She calmed me down.”

“Did talking to her help?”

“I think so.” He turned to her. “Has it been helping you?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

Jack smiled. “I can see the difference.”

“Are you only saying that because I’m not yelling at you yet?”

His smile grew broader. “Yes.”

At least he could laugh about it. “I don’t feel different,” Caroline said.

“I’m not sure how much that matters. You might not see the changes, but I do. And so does Natalie.”

She puffed out a breath. “I’m glad someone can see it.”

Jack put his hand on her knee. “I hate that you’re so pessimistic. I somewhat understand why you act that way, but it’s hard for me to watch.”

Caroline reflexively turned away from him. “I’m sorry.”

“Please don’t be sorry about it. It’s my problem. It’s not yours to handle.” He shifted in his seat. “I’m sorry I implied that you think the world revolves around you.”

A correct assertion, if she was honest. But she’d flayed herself enough for one day. “You didn’t imply it. You stated it directly.”

“That I did. But I didn’t mean it. It’s hard for me to talk about that day at the hospital. I didn’t want to do it. Especially not in front of you. That wasn’t fair.”

“It’s obvious that it still upsets you.”

“It’s one of the many things I’ve been processing since I got here.”

So many years of carrying that weight alone, and he’d never said a word. “I can’t believe Chrissy said that to you,” she whispered.

“Don’t worry about that. I should have told Natalie those issues weren’t on the table today.”

The cat was out of the bag regardless. “Why didn’t you tell me after it happened?”

“You were recovering. I didn’t want to upset you. And then after a while, I didn’t think-”

“I kept asking and you wouldn’t tell me.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I wish you would have.”

He sighed. “Add it to the list of many mistakes I’ve made over the years.”

“You haven’t done that badly, Jack.”

“I was so afraid of losing you,” he said. “I’d just gotten you back and thought if I told you that you might have agreed with her.”

Was that a sign of his diffidence or her intolerance? “I would never have done that.”

“Are you sure?”

Definitely diffidence. Weren’t they both a fucking mess. “You and Nicholas are two completely different people. Neither of you is better than the other.”

“Is that what you really believe?”

“Christine was upset,” she said. “She came up with the worst thing possible to say to you and she said it.”

“She never liked me.”

Caroline didn’t want to rehash that topic. “It’s more complicated than that. If you had told me what she said, I could have dealt with it. Do you know what it did to me when you were constantly butting heads? If I had known, I would have told her to fuck off and she would have backed away. I know it.”

“You give her more credit than she deserves.”

“Jack, I don’t want to argue about this. I don’t – we’ve had a good five minutes or so of getting along, why do you want to wreck it?”

He stared at his lap. “I’m sorry, Caroline.”

So many damn apologies. From her. From him. Were they supposed to make a difference? They sat on the couch, neither one of them speaking. Jack stared at his hands as Caroline counted the number of holes in the ceiling tile. An absorbing meeting of the minds, to be sure.

“Am I really that repugnant to you?” he asked thickly. “Was our marriage so unbearable that you have to spend all your time trying to block it out? Am I that unlovable?”

Caroline wondered how long he’d been knocking those ghastly ideas around in his head. Jack’s head was down, his hands clenched tightly. He wasn’t a terribly demonstrative man aside from his temper and his behavior in the bedroom, but maybe that had changed. She touched the back of his hand.

“No,” she whispered. “To any of those questions. Please don’t think that.”

He fixed his eyes on the floor. “I was just checking,” he said. “Sometimes you’re harder to read than I care to admit.” He took her hand in both of his and squeezed, remaining unsettlingly silent.

She told herself to yank her hand away. To scoot over on the couch. To let him go, say something to make him leave. But that sounded so emotionally exhausting, especially when his touch felt so nice and warm. Caroline rested her head against his shoulder. “You were a very good husband,” she said softly. “A great stepfather. And I know you’re still a good man.” She leaned in closer. “What brought that on?”

“I don’t know,” Jack said. “I’ve been thinking a lot of things lately. Bad things.”

Bad things. Miserable things. Gloomy things. Undoubtedly brought on by her behavior, the behavior she couldn’t quite control. All of which made her next words seem almost meaningless. “I don’t want you to think horrible things about yourself. Ever.”

“Thank you, sweetheart,” he said, then grimaced as if he expected her to admonish him for using the term of endearment. But Caroline said nothing, continuing to lean against him. He relaxed his grip on her hand and started massaging it. “Remember when I used to do this?”

Don’t think. Just feel.
She closed her eyes. “Yes.”

“You always let so much stress affect your body. So much negative energy. I’d hate to think about the shape your shoulders and back must be in if your hands are this tense.”

She curled up against him, sighing as he rubbed his thumbs into her palm.

“Does that feel good?” he whispered.

The couch felt good. The air felt good. He felt good. “Yes.”

“You need to take better care of yourself.”

“I know.”

“Maybe I could help you with that. If you ask nicely.”

Caroline bit her lip and Jack started to knead her other hand. He pulled up her sleeve, examining her wrist. “No more redness,” he said. “I’m glad you healed.” He shook his head. “I wanted to beat that asshole into the ground for doing that to you. He’s lucky I didn’t act on my impulses or he’d still be in the infirmary.”

Now was not the time to comment on his temper. She closed her eyes, resisting the urge to moan as Jack kissed her wrist lightly and continued to work his magic.

“So brave,” he murmured, kissing the other wrist. “So very, very brave.”

His lips were so warm. His kisses so soothing. So safe. So right. Her mind wandered and she heard his voice in the back of her mind.

“She doesn’t need any more scars! She has enough already!”

Caroline jerked her head up. “You talked to me,” she said. “In your office after – when I was brought in that day.”

Jack smiled and tucked her hair behind her ear. “I did.”

She shivered as the memory flowed back to her. She’d been soaking wet and his office had been cold. “You – you called me baby.”

He closed his eyes, the smile evaporating. “Yes.”

“
No one can hurt you. Not while I’m here.
” She bit her lip again. “That’s what you said.”

“I did.” The smile returned. “I’m glad you remembered.”

Caroline studied Jack closely. It had only been six months since she had arrived at the base but the laugh lines around his eyes looked more pronounced, and not in a good way. They used to crinkle when she’d tell him jokes and stories. He’d shake with laughter even after she told him something she didn’t think was all that funny. She swallowed hard, trying to block those memories out. Jack looked strained. Tired. Older. So much damage and she knew who had caused it all.

“Did you mean it?” she whispered.

His gaze drifted away from her for a moment before settling on her again. “I would do anything for – of course I meant it.”

She very rarely saw him smile anymore, particularly when he knew she was around. He was looking at her with such sincerity, without any expectations, but there was a lingering sadness in his eyes. She didn’t have to ask. She knew why it was there. She flashed back to the compassion she’d heard in his voice that day in his office, how he wiped away her tears and did his best to comfort her after everything she’d done. Even though she didn’t deserve it.

She framed his face with her hands and caressed it gently, working her way down from his temples toward his cheekbones, tracing an outline of his mouth with one finger. He covered her hand in his and kissed her palm, greeting her with the same warm expression he’d had in his office. Caroline realized that she very much wanted to kiss him and pulled away.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“It’s okay,” he said. “I miss you too.”

When she avoided him she fucked things up. When she was around him she fucked them up even more. “I can’t-”

“You don’t have to explain anything to me. I absolutely meant what I said. Please don’t be upset. And don’t be mad at yourself for being who you are.”

She was going to come apart from a compliment disguised as an admonition. “I’m not.”

He let out a short laugh. “Think of a better line.”

Caroline bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from crying. She was doing a lousy job of controlling her emotions. Jack whipped out his handkerchief before she could protest, dabbing at her face. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to focus on the feel of the cloth material against her skin. The gentleness of his touch. Warmth flooded her cheeks and she tried to lower her head but he adroitly brought her chin back up.

Jack continued to swipe at the tears that refused to stop falling. “Please let me help you, Caroline.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” she whispered.

He kissed her forehead. “And I wish you’d stop being so stubborn.”

She pulled away from him when he put the wet handkerchief back in his pocket, twisting his own hands in his lap.

“I wish I could give you back all the things we had before this happened,” he said.

An abrupt subject change. “You can’t, so why does it matter?”