Pierced Love (4 page)

Zeke and Allie met in college at Iowa State and have been together ever since their freshman year. My brother was an all-American jock and got a full ride to college on a football scholarship. As for Allie, she started off wanting to major in business and found herself falling in love with my older brother. They really are quite cute together and, at times, I feel a bit envious of their relationship.

As for me, I turned eighteen a few months ago and I’ve never even been in a relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to, it’s just that in my school and in my world outside of this house I’m a social outcast.

The sound of a knock snaps me out of my thoughts.

“I’m in the shower!” I shout.

I hear the door open and a few seconds later it shuts. What the hell?

I snap open the curtain a smidge and see Allie standing there with mom and Zoe.

“Umm hey guys, I must have missed the party invite, but if you didn’t notice…I’m in the shower. So can you get out and wait in my room for me?”

The three of them stand there in silence with grins ready to break their faces. I give them all a questionable glare and pull the shower curtain shut. I quickly rinse the soap off of my body and the shampoo out of my hair.

Stretching my arm out of the shower curtain someone hands me both my towels and I begin to dry off. When I pull back the curtain they are all still standing in the same spot with the same look on their faces.

“Come on guys, you’re beginning to worry me here. What’s going on and why the hell would you guys stay in here waiting while I shower?”

Zoe grabs Allie’s left hand and pushes it out in front of me.

With her hand mere inches from my face I now know the sudden reason for them joining me in my bathroom.

“Oh, wow!” I shout.

She lets out a giggle and continues to smile.

“Allie, this is great,” I say.

“I promise I’ll tell you all about it when we get downstairs. Your mom just couldn’t wait to tell you so she insisted we come up here.”

“Well, it’s been an awkward moment for sure. I’ll be down in a few minutes,” I tell her.

“Okay, well we’ll let you get dressed, but hurry up; breakfast is almost done,” my mom says as the three of them walk out of my bathroom and into my bedroom.

Zeke and Allie getting married, that’s great. I’m happy for them

I think we all knew this day would come sooner or later. Ever since they graduated last May, it was just a matter of time. I know they’ve been looking into buying a house and settling down somewhere in between both of their jobs. I guess it makes sense for them to take the next step.

It amazes me how happy I can feel with no anxiety and no fear of a panic attack. But then, as soon as I walk into certain social settings, everything changes, and any hope that I can have what Zeke and Allie have is almost impossible.

I’m hopeless because that’s how my peers make me feel.  

I finish up in the bathroom, drying my long black hair and applying some makeup. I try not to go overboard with my style, but find that this is a look that suits me everyday regardless of whether I’m at home or out and about. I apply some black eyeliner, smoke up my brown eyes and apply a thick coat of black mascara to my long lashes. I look at myself in the mirror and approve of my appearance, no wait. I grab up my chap stick and apply some to my large pouty lips. Now I’m ready to get dressed.

I wander into my walk-in closet to find an outfit. I throw on a pair of black leggings, a black tank and a short sleeved button down grey and black checkered shirt with my chucks.

Glancing in the full length mirror, I give myself another once over before meeting the crew downstairs.

By the time I make it down the stairs, my entire family is seated at the large table in the dining room. I make my way into the kitchen and grab a glass of orange juice and some food that mom has spread across the breakfast bar. As I fill my plate I listen to the conversation going on in the other room. I can pretty much hear the smile coming from Allie as she tells the family about the proposal.

I walk into the dining room and take my seat next to Zoe.

“Sorry if I took too long up there. Glad you guys started without me,” I say glancing around the table.

“It’s ok, Zar, Allie was just starting to tell us how Zeke proposed,” mom says with a huge grin spread across her face.

“Keep going. I can’t wait to hear all the corny details,” I tell her giving my brother a look.

Allie continues to talk, telling us all about how Zeke took her to the place where they met. He set up a picnic lunch and then dropped to one knee on the fifty yard line at Jack Trice Stadium. According to Allie, it was the most romantic moment of her life when he asked her to be his wife for all eternity.

I feel my heart beat a rhythm faster than normal. Hearing the way Zeke proposed was so beautiful. Watching the two of them interact and share their love just shows how much they care about one another. Even in the simplest way they look at one another.

A smile creeps across my face and I can’t help but tear up.

“Are you crying, little sis?” Zeke asks with a laugh.

Asshole.

“Leave her alone Zeke, it sounds like such a perfect moment. Your father and I are so happy for the two of you. Have you spoken to your parents yet Allie?”

“We called them this morning and we’ll be stopping at their house for dinner tonight,” she says with a smile as Zeke kisses her on the forehead.

“Perfect! Be sure to have your mother call me and we’ll arrange an engagement party.”

Allie claps her hands in excitement and curls her body into Zeke’s.

For a moment I feel the need to bolt to the bathroom, but watching them together makes me feel something. I don’t know how to explain it.

It sucks that I’ll never feel the way that they do together, but I’ll be happy for them.

We finish up breakfast and I help mom and Allie clean up while dad and Zeke go out onto the back patio. We chat a bit about the upcoming engagement party and whether or not Allie and Zeke chose a date for the wedding. Throughout the entire conversation I don’t think Allie’s smile falls from her lips. She seems to be overjoyed and I can’t say that I blame her.

“So, have you any idea where you want to get married or hold the reception?” Mom asks sitting down at the breakfast bar.

“Hmm, no not really. I guess once we set a date it will be easier to decide on where everything will take place,” Allie says, coming along side of me.

She gives me a smirk then takes her eyes and looks me up and down.

“Allie, what are you looking at?” I ask, feeling a bit nervous.

“Well, you know I love you…right Zar?” She asks, placing her hand on my shoulder.

I glance over at mom and she just shrugs her shoulders.

“Yeah, I guess. Why do you ask?” I ask giving her a questionable glare.

She takes a step back and lets out a deep breath.

“I want you in the wedding Zar, but I won’t have you wearing black,” Allie says looking me right in the eyes, “you’re a gorgeous girl Zar and I want you to be a beautiful bridesmaid for your brother and me.”

A lump begins to form in my throat and I can feel my hands begin to sweat.

I rarely ever get panic attacks like this at home, but right now I know I won’t be able to calm this one down. It’s coming on too fast.

I grab onto the kitchen counter and feel my knees becoming weak. The pressure consuming my chest is making it harder to take deep breaths. I look between mom and Allie and the look on their faces is of pure fright.

They see me…they see what I’ve been trying to hide.

This can’t be happening.

I feel dizzy and overwhelmed. Not only am I in the midst of a horrific panic attack, but now I feel as though I’m about to pass out from the fear I see in my mom’s eyes.

I hear her call for dad and Zeke, but before I see them come through the door, I feel my body fall to the floor.

I hear the voices of my family members off in the distance and I’m feeling a bit confused.

Where am I?

I reach my hands down along my sides to feel where I am.

Why am I lying down on what feels like the living room couch?

What the hell is going on?

The last thing I remember is talking with Allie and mom and then I…I, oh my god. I had a panic attack and passed out.

Damn it to hell.

How am I going to explain all of this to them? I don’t want them to know about my secret. If they find out, things will get weird and I don’t want them to treat me like the others do.

Maybe, if I play it cool and act like I haven’t a clue what happened, they’ll think that this was a onetime thing.

Yeah, that sounds like the right thing to do.

I start to move my body and open my eyes.

Lying on the couch in the living room, I can see that everyone is off to the side of the room and in what looks like a deep conversation.

Having two parents as medical professionals, I can guarantee they checked me out thoroughly and are just waiting for me to wake up.

“Hey,” I whisper.

Mom turns and braces herself onto dad’s shoulder.

“Oh Zar, you’re awake!” Mom shouts, as she comes walking over to me.

“Zar, are you ok?” My dad asks.

I nod my head and hope they don’t start asking more in depth questions.

Dad comes walking over with Zeke, Zoe and Allie following right behind.

“You had us worried there for a minute kiddo. You bumped your head pretty hard on the counter and were knocked out for about half an hour,” dad says coming down to kneel in front of me.

“I’m fine, mom and dad. Really, I am,” I tell them trying to sit up.

“Hey, hey stay where you are. There’s no need to sit up quite yet. Let’s take a good look at you and run through some tests to make sure you’re okay.”

“Ugh! I’m really fine. I just felt a little dizzy and passed out. No big deal. Really, I’m good,” I tell them while trying to get up, again.

“Zar, now listen to me. You may feel fine now, but we need to take a look at you. Listen to us and just lay back down.”

“Fine,” I snap, lowering my body down onto the couch.

For the next twenty minutes my parents run me through a dozen visual, gross and fine motor tests to make certain I’m okay. Once they’re finally done and I prove that I’m fully capable of walking, they let me be.

I’m just about clear of all the attention and on my way up to my room when I’m stopped by Allie at the bottom of the stairs.

“Zar, before you head up to your room, I just want to apologize. I had no idea what I said would upset you so much. We’ll figure it out, but please don’t pass out like that on us again. You had all of us scared.”

“I’m fine Allie. You didn’t do anything wrong and it’s not your fault this happened. I have no clue what went wrong earlier, but I promise I’m fine.”

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it. But listen. If you ever want to talk I’m always here. Okay?”

I nod in her direction and give her a hug.

I hope she doesn’t know. If she can see right through me than everyone else will soon know, too and everything will be ruined.

“Thanks Allie, but I’m good.”

“Zeke and I are going to head out soon to go over to my parents. I’ll be in touch later this week once we set a date.”

“Sounds good,” I reply.

I walk up the stairs, down the long hallway and into my bedroom. Looking around the walls, the dark floor and the deep shades of plum, black and green I suddenly feel at peace. This is where I can be me and let down all of my emotional walls. These colors help me feel calm, it’s like the darkness takes away all my fears and insecurities.

It’s me; alone in this room. I have no worries, no stress and no uncertainties.

I go over to my hiding spot, pull out my diary and hop on to my bed. I sit up with my feather pillows and pull my giant black down comforter over my legs.

What happened today could have jeopardized so much for me. There’s no way I can let my family see me at my weakest point. I’ll lose their trust, their love and their sense of pride toward all of my accomplishments.

I need to do something about these panic attacks, especially now that I had one at home.