Plastic Hearts (19 page)

Dane ended up selling a sculpture while Jade and I eyed his latest creations. I was excited for him because I knew it meant he could breathe a little easier financially. “Good job, Baby, I’m proud of you,” I said after the lady left. He gave me a shy grin, one I rarely saw.

“I should be thanking you.”

“Me?” I asked, drawing my brows together.

“Yes, you inspired all of these. With every sculpture here today, I thought of you.” Did he really just tell me I inspired all of this? Part of me felt like he had told me too much and another part wanted to reach up and kiss him until I could no longer breathe.

My chest tightened with anxiety. I knew what he was trying to say because I think I felt it to. Once it was said, we couldn’t go back. So I did what any girl who was about to hear I love you from their completely sexy and sweet boyfriend would do; I raised my finger to his lips. He looked confused, but it didn’t stop me. “Don’t,” I whispered. I gave him a kiss on the cheek before turning back to Jade. “What are we doing after the show?” I asked.

Dane didn’t give Jade time to reply. “Actually, some friends of mine are having a get together and invited us to go.” I turned around and saw something that looked like defeat written all over his face. I felt bad for making him hold back. After all, that was what everyone did to me growing up.

Jade broke me out of my haze. “That sounds great. Is Tyler going to be there?” I found it kind of strange that she didn’t know if he was going to be there or not.

“He was invited,” Dane replied.

“I’m in. What do you say, Alex?”

“Yeah, sounds fun.”

“All right, ladies. Let me get everything put away here and then we can go.” Dane didn’t even look in my direction before we walked away to retrieve our coats.

As soon as we were ten steps away from Dane, Jade began to question me. “Okay, what happened between the moment when you guys were creating a soft porn movie in the middle of the gallery and now? Dane looks like you just killed his puppy.” I bit my lower lip and contemplated if I should tell Jade about my “I love you” diversion.

“I’m pretty sure he was going to tell me he loves me,” I said quietly.

She stared at me like I had grown another head. “He looks sad because he was going to tell you he loves you? What am I missing?”

I blew out all the air I was holding in my lungs. “I stopped him.”

“You what?”

“He was telling me he thought about me while making all the heart sculptures and I could see it in his eyes. There was so much more he wanted to say, but I stopped him.”

“Are you freaking kidding me? Alex, I can see in your eyes that you feel the same way about him. You have to stop this bullshit. Quit running and let him catch you,” she said, grabbing onto my arm.

“I can’t. This wasn’t supposed to be more than just two people having a good time,” I whispered.

“But it is.”

“Yes,” I finally agreed. “Look, can we just drop it for now?” She had no reply for me. Instead, she put her coat on and started walking back over to Dane who was almost done wrapping his sculptures and putting them in boxes.

I hated that I had to bottle all this up. I hated that I couldn’t just tell him exactly how I felt and take in his words, locking them in my heart where I could hold them forever. I hated that I couldn’t be honest and instead opted for this semi-reality I had been living in for years.

When I made my way back over to Dane, I decided I needed to smooth things over before we left. I didn’t want to spend all night in awkward silence. I wrapped my arms tightly around him. He tensed up before clasping his hands on top of mine. “I’m sorry,” I whispered just loud enough for him to hear me.

He turned around, bringing his lips to my forehead. “We’re not done with that conversation,” he said. Before I could reply, he led me over to Jade who was in deep conversation with one of the photographers. “Ready to go?” he asked.

“I’m always ready to drink. Let’s go,” she said, eyeing me curiously as she stepped behind Dane and I.

The party we were going to was only a few blocks from the gallery. The walk was relatively quiet unless you count Jade’s comments here and there about clothing in storefronts or people who passed us on the street. Dane held my hand, but said nothing as we entered a brick apartment complex.

There were at least twelve people in the apartment when we arrived. It was a small loft space with a seating area where two guys sat playing some type of video game. On the other side, near a small kitchenette, were two card tables. Dane seemed to know almost everyone as he introduced us to Blake and Carter, who lived in the apartment, as well as Gavin, Jack, Andrew, Brandon, Kyle, Sara and Taylor.

The only one in the room I recognized was Tyler who was sitting next to Taylor, a scantily clad blond with Bambi eyes. His hand was resting on her knee and as soon as she spotted us coming through the door, she smiled and laid her head on his shoulder. When I looked at Jade I knew I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Her face fell as she looked at me and nodded toward the door before disappearing through it. I looked up at Dane who shook his head. “Let him go after her,” he whispered. Tyler was eyeing the closed door with a deer in the headlights look on his face. After a few seconds, he got up from the couch and ran out after her. I didn’t want to see Jade go through this. She guarded her heart so much, but she had seemed to be opening up to Tyler.

“What was that all about?” I asked, nodding toward the door.

He shrugged. “Tyler didn’t know she was coming, I guess. He usually doesn’t date one girl. I think he likes her, but doesn’t know what to do about it.”

“Who’s the girl?”

“You mean Taylor? They see each other off and on, but I thought they were off. He isn’t usually this much of an ass.”

“Well, he better make it right,” I said, frowning up at him.

He pulled me in for a hug and I felt myself relax again. “Come on, let’s have some fun.”

I walked toward the card table because video games and I do not get along. I ended up on Dane’s lap because there weren’t enough chairs for everyone. Personally, I thought this was more comfortable than a folding chair anyway. Blake, Andrew, Sara, Carter and Gavin were in the middle of a game so we sat back and watched. I studied the game and quickly learned the rules so when it was time for us to join, I felt like I had a good handle on it.

My studying paid off, like it always did, and I ended up winning the first game. Was I excited? Just a little. “Oh, my god, I won!” I jumped up off Dane’s lap and through my arms in the air.

“That’s my girl.” Dane picked me up and twirled me around in his arms. I didn’t care that everyone was watching because in that moment it felt like just the two of us.

“When are you taking me to Vegas? I’m feeling lucky.”

“Vegas, huh?” he asked, nuzzling his face in my neck.

“Yeah, I think you may have a gambler on your hands,” I replied, working my bottom lip between my teeth.

“I would take you anywhere as long as you stop biting that lower lip. You don’t even know how sexy you are.” My pulse picked up, but I couldn’t think of anything to say in reply. “Come out to the rooftop deck with me,” he whispered before putting me down. He wanted to talk; I knew it and I owed it to him. The game and my recent victory had relaxed me enough that I didn’t hesitate to follow him, knowing I was going to have to open up at least a little to make this better.

“Let me grab my coat.” Jade and Tyler hadn’t returned yet. I hoped for her sake that they were working their issues out. Maybe it was time for them to throw caution to the wind and become something a little more official. I get that they were both guarding themselves, but it might backfire in a big way if one of them didn’t step it up.

As we made our way up to the deck, I realized what a bad idea this was. It was February in New York City and we were on a rooftop deck. It seemed like others shared my thoughts because ours were the only footprints in the snow and any furniture that may have been up here had been removed. We headed toward the edge, overlooking the night sky. Dane pulled me in front of him and held me tight against his chest in an attempt to chase away the cold. I could see my breath mixing with his as we looked out over at the flashing city lights. The city at night was amazing and it was moments like this that solidified my desire to leave Greenwich behind forever. It was a nice, safe place to grow up, but New York City was where my heart was. I loved the mix of people and culture, the solitude of living somewhere so big, it was easy to disappear.

By the time Dane finally spoke, I almost forgot why we were out here. “Why did you close up on me earlier, Baby?”

I closed my eyes and thought for a moment. I could either be honest with him or run like I had been for the last nineteen years. I decided to be honest, to take the fall and let him catch me. “I’m scared, Dane. I’m scared of how you make me feel,” I whispered.

He didn’t waste any time before turning me in his arms, pulling me so close that our chests were touching. “Look at me.” When I didn’t meet his gaze, he placed his finger under my chin, lifting my head until I had no choice but to look in his eyes. Even in the night, illuminated by the city lights, I could see the passion and desire burning in his eyes. “What are you afraid of?”

It took me a moment to answer and when I did my voice was shaking. “I’m afraid of falling in love. I’m afraid of loving someone so much that if it ends; there will be nothing left of me. There would be nothing that could put me back together if something came between us.” I couldn’t hold my emotions back any longer as a tear rolled down my face. Dane used his thumb to wipe it away.

“Alex, I love you. From the moment I saw you in the club, I knew there was something different about you. Then, when we ended up in the same Art class, it was like fate had intervened and brought you to me again. I love everything about you. Why would that ever stop? I can’t think of one thing you could do to make me stop loving you.” His words coated my heart and I knew without a doubt what I was feeling. Was there really any difference between feeling it and saying it?

I cupped his cheeks in my hands and pulled him down so our foreheads touched. “I love you, too.” His lips met mine, softly at first then as his tongue pressed into my mouth as he moved to deepen the kiss. His kiss was hungry and passionate; it reached my heart it a way I didn’t even know was possible. A kiss had never meant this much; kissing someone I loved was ten times better than any kiss I had ever experienced in my life. It might have been cold outside, but everything in me was on fire and I wanted to stay like this forever.

When the kiss finally broke, my lips were numb and swollen. Dane smiled down at me, rubbing his thumb over my bottom lip. “I could kiss these lips forever and never get tired of them.” I returned his smile and placed a kiss on his chin. “I can’t wait.” And I didn’t have to wait as he leaned down and met my lips with his again.

When you find someone you truly love, nothing else matters. I finally realized that being in love was worth the heartbreak that may follow. Nothing compared to how he made me feel and I was ready to feel more and try everything with him.

If someone asked me for money and I loaned it to them, I could get that back. If I loaned a textbook, I could get it back. Hell, in some instances when you gave your heart away, you could still get it back. But this was different. Virginity was the one thing that once you gave it away, you couldn’t get it back.

All through my childhood, I felt like every decision was made for me. I’d even gone as far as to pursue a career that others had chosen for me. I knew with every ounce of my being that my parents would not choose Dane as the man I gave my virginity up to, but this was my decision to make. They couldn’t take this from me. They couldn’t control it. I knew I loved Dane, a deep in my heart, consuming type of love, and it was hard to imagine having this with anyone else. I couldn’t imagine feeling comfortable giving it to anyone else.

My nerves kicked into high gear as I got ready to head over to Dane’s for dinner. I chose black lace lingerie for the special occasion and threw on a pair of jeans, a fitted grey tee with my purple leather jacket and topped it off with my black knee high boots. I was comfortable and Dane loved it when I wore the leather jacket he bought me.

I took deep breaths as I walked from my dorm to his apartment. Just because I made this decision and felt good about it, didn’t mean I wasn’t scared out of my mind. I’d been thinking about it for days, and with each one that passed I felt more confident in my decision. I’d never been one to live for today, but everything in me wanted to do this one thing I had one hundred percent control over. This was mine.

I buzzed his apartment and he quickly let me in, pulling me into his arms and showering me with soft butterfly kisses. The love and tenderness he gave me made me feel like all was right and everything would be okay. I stopped his soft eyelash kisses by attacking his lips with mine. I kissed him often, but tonight I really kissed him. I kissed him with everything I had and thought about everything I would give him.