Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (24 page)

She was small for five months; below average, but not below the smallest size she should be. Still, my midwife was keeping a close eye on her growth, and I was possibly going to have another scan next month.

I expected him to say something, but he just continued to stare at me. The air between us thickened, and I gripped his shoulders. He was going to kiss me, I think. My body heated, and I felt a little lightheaded.

“Holly, if you don’t like PDAs in front of your family, walk away now.”

Walk away? Like I could even if I wanted to, and I definitely didn’t want to.

I stayed, and he lowered his mouth until his lips brushed so lightly against mine it tickled. There really was no need for him to tease.

“Are you going to kiss me or not?” I breathed. As I spoke, he lowered his face to mine and kissed me.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Holly

Jasper sat on my bed reading the pregnancy book as if he was being tested on it. Since I’d got home for the Christmas break, we’d been together pretty much every minute he wasn’t working. I’d even done a few shifts at The Centre, offering my help because I knew they were busy when really I just wanted to be around him for longer. I was getting pathetic.

He was determined to know everything that was going on with the baby and my body. It was sweet that he took so much interest, but there was something else to it. He was obsessed with knowing everything and planning for every eventuality.

He knew three different routes to the hospital, had my doctor and midwife on speed dial and a first aid kit – complete with towels and baby clothes – in his boot. It was over the top, and I wasn’t sure how to tell him to relax and enjoy watching our baby grow without stressing over every detail. He just couldn’t seem to accept that he couldn’t control everything.

“Jasper, you’ve read that a million times already,” I said, “and the birth will probably go differently to those books anyway.”

He looked up over the book. “You don’t know that. We need to be prepared, Holly.”

“There’s prepared, and then there’s what you’re doing. You’re going to either go crazy by the time she arrives or be exhausted.”

Ignoring me, he stuck his head back in the book.

“Do you think they’ll let me stay in the hospital with you?”

I shook my head. “No, they don’t allow dad’s or partners to stay. You can visit all day and until the evening though.”

The book dropped to his lap. “We need to speak to them about that. Maybe we can get a private room – you can hire those – and see if I can stay there too, it might be different if we’re not on the main ward.”

“It’ll be fine. I’m sure I can manage for a few hours between you leaving at night and coming back in the morning.” I know I hadn’t been around babies much, but I was confident I could do it. The midwives were there to help and guide me. Surely all I’d be doing was breastfeeding and changing nappies anyway.

“I don’t want you two on your own.”

“We won’t be.”

His beautiful face was marred with a frown.

“Holly, the midwives don’t count. They don’t care enough.”

“What?”

“Will one stay in your room all night?”

“No, of course not, but if I need them they’ll come in.”

“Then I need to be there. What if something happens?”

Oh. That’s what this was about. He was scared because of what happened to Oakley. I felt awful that he worried about us to the point where he didn’t feel he could leave us for one night, but it was unhealthy. We were going to be apart from him, so he had to get used to it and realise we were okay.

“Jasper, nothing is going to happen to us. We’ll be fine in hospital for a night or two.”

“Something might happen.”

“If you don’t trust me to look after our child-”

“I do!”

I threw my hands up. “It doesn’t sound like it. What happened to Oakley-”

“Shut up,” he snapped.

My heart ached. It was still so hard for him to talk about, but he couldn’t see that it was why he was feeling so anxious. How could you get someone to seek help when they wouldn’t even admit there was a problem?

“For all our sakes, the baby’s included, you’re going to have to talk about it.”

“No,” he replied and shut down.

It was so hard to talk to him once he was done with something, but I wasn’t about to give up. If he continued trying to control everything, I was going to be suffocated. I couldn’t live with him constantly calling or texting, telling me what I could or couldn’t do or where I could go. His fear was real and I understood, but I wouldn’t let it rule my life.

“Please, Jasper.”

He snapped his teeth together. “This is my baby too, Holly. You don’t get to make all of the decisions. I won’t leave my child with strangers.”

“Strangers? She’ll be with me – her mum! Do you think I’m going to leave her on the ward while I go see a movie or something?”

He gave me an exasperated look.

“I’m perfectly capable of protecting my baby.”

I could see in his now dark grey eyes that he was thinking ‘My mum thought that too’.

“I want to be there,” he said

“No,” I said. “I’m not going to kick up a fuss at the hospital over this. We will be fine. The ward is secure. No one will hurt her. You need to talk to someone because worrying yourself sick isn’t going to help the baby.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Sighing, I ran my hands through my hair.

“I won’t be, Jasper. We can’t live like this.”

“We don’t have to. There’s no need for you to worry.”

Right, because we weren’t together and he had no interest in me romantically. I was fine as a friend he occasionally slept with, but that was where it ended. I knew I shouldn’t take it too personally; he didn’t want a relationship with anyone, but it did hurt.

The more it hurt the angrier I got with him and with myself. It was too much on top of having an unplanned pregnancy, worrying about being a good mum and finishing university.

“I think you should go,” I said. “I can’t do this, Jasper. It’s too hard.”

“Do what?”

I threw my hands up. “This. Us.”

“What us?”

Exactly.

“We’re having a baby, Holly, nothing is going to change that now. You can’t just order me out of your life because you’re pissed off with me.”

“I’m not. I’m ordering you out of my house.”

“Is this how it’s going to be? We disagree on something and you make me leave? You can’t do that. This is my baby too.”

I groaned. No one got to me as much as him. I could feel my temper boiling below the surface, ready to explode.

“Stop looking at me like that,” he said. “I’m not arguing with you. When you’re home it’ll be different, but I’m staying at the hospital.”

“We both make decisions so why should I just pander to your every fucking demand?” I shouted.

“You’re being unreasonable.”

My eyes widened. “Me?”

I was not the unreasonable one.

“Why don’t you want me there? I thought you’d like the help after giving birth.”

“I don’t like why you want to do it.”

He shook his head. “You’re the most confusing and frustrating woman I’ve ever met, Holly.”

“And you’re the most stubborn man I’ve ever met! I can’t believe we’re arguing over this; it’s ridiculous. You can be at the hospital for dad’s visiting like everyone else.”

“Now who’s being stubborn,” he muttered.

“Alright, get out. I’m serious, Jasper. You’re being stupid and I know you don’t mean it personally, but that’s how I’m taking it. I need time away from you because when you’re in front of me I can barely think straight.”

I shouldn’t have said that. Dropping my eyes to the floor, I bit my lip.

“Holly,” he said, and I could tell he’d regretted pushing me. His voice was low, deep and intense, and it sent a shiver down my spine. He got to me so much because I was completely in love with him.

“Please. I need you to give me some space to think.”

He stepped forwards, pressing his lips to my forehead and rubbing his thumb over my belly. “Okay,” he murmured against my skin. “Call if you need me.”

“I will. I just need some time.”

Stepping back, he nodded.

“I get it. These last few months have been pretty intense.”

He turned and walked away.

I sat down when I heard the front door close behind him. I thought I’d feel better once he was gone, but I didn’t. He worried, and I wasn’t helping by sending him away rather than trying harder to talk to him.

If we couldn’t find a way to communicate and resolve our issues then we were going to have a tense relationship, and our relationship was now going to have last forever – as parents, if nothing else. I swung my feet up on the sofa and laid down.

“Morning,” Oakley said.

“Hi. How come you’re in on your day off?” I asked her.

She smiled sympathetically, and I knew straight away – Jasper.

“He called me last night,” she said, “and told me what happened. Then he asked if we could swap days.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I know how he is, and it can be pretty intense. He’s scared, Holly, and he doesn’t do feeling scared well. For the last eight years, he’s been the strong one, and although he worried himself sick about us all I think it’s really hitting him hard now that he’s going to be a dad.”

“I feel awful for sending him home last night.”

“No, you were right to. It’s not healthy, and you can’t just go along with it because you’re afraid of upsetting him. You’ve got to be honest about how you feel, or you’re going to end up resenting him.”

Being honest about how I felt about him would not do me any favours right now.

“Yeah. I don’t want to lie to him, and we’ve both said we need talk openly. It’s hard to tell him he’s not staying at the hospital when I know why he wants to.”

“I know,” she said and smiled. “He’ll be fine though, and he wouldn’t be allowed to stay anyway. Don’t let it get you down. He’ll come around when he’s had time to think it through.”

“Has he been to see Dr Hales again?”

“Not recently. He went a few times after he split up with Abby but not recently. I’ll be talking to him about that because I really think Carol can help him get some perspective and realise what he needs to do to move on.”

“What do you think he needs to do?” I asked, eager to hear her thoughts.

“I think he needs a conversation with our dad.”

That I did not expect. I thought she was just going to tell me he needs regular therapy and to talk to Dr Hales about what happened and how it affected him.

“Really?” I must have sounded as surprised as I felt.

She shrugged.

“He hasn’t talked to Dad since he was arrested. He’s had no closure and none of the questions he has have been answered. Up until now he could deal with that enough for it not to affect his everyday life too much but now he’s faced with bringing an innocent baby into this world, and I’ll put a lot of money on it eating away at him.”

“You think he’ll be okay?”

“I won’t let him not be,” she said.

Neither will I.

Chapter Thirty

Jasper smiled sheepishly at me as I opened the door. “Hey,” he said.

I stood back so he could come in. “Hi.”

“Are you parents home?” he asked and walked inside.

“No, everyone’s at work.”

“Good.”

I followed him into the living room, and we sat down.

“Hol, I’m sorry. These last couple of days have sucked. I hate arguing with you.”

“I hate arguing with you, too.” But I still didn’t know how we were going to resolve anything properly.

“Can we stop worrying about everything that might happen in the future and concentrate on getting ready for this one?” he asked, glancing at my belly.

I knew that didn’t include him stopping worrying about the baby’s safety. It had to, and he had to want it to, but he wouldn’t face his demons.

“Sure,” I replied, knowing if I brought it up again we’d just fall straight back into the same argument. I knew Sarah and Oakley had been through it with him a few times too. “I’m about to watch a birth video, want to join me?”

He frowned. “Do I?”

“Probably not but if I’m watching it you are too.”

“Why did you ask, then?” he said, wrapping his arm around my waist as we walked into the living room. It was so nice to have things back to normal between us. It had only been a couple days, but I hated arguing and not talking.

“Sit,” I ordered and went to put the DVD on.

He got comfortable and raised his arm as I walked back to the sofa. A thrill ran through me that he wanted to snuggle up as we watched probably the most gross DVD we ever would. I wanted to know what my body was going to go through, but at the same time a part of me wanted to go into it naïve and utterly unprepared. If I didn’t know how bad it was, then I wouldn’t be able to freak out about it.

“You ready?” Jasper asked as I pressed play on the remote.

I curled into his side and shook my head. “Not at all.”

“You’ll be fine when it’s our turn.” He pressed his lips to my temple and whispered, “I’ll never let anything happen to either of you.”

I closed my eyes and squeezed my arm around his waist as my heartbeat went crazy. I hated Abby for what she’d done to him and wished she’d broken up with him before she slept with Brett so he wouldn’t have been as hurt and closed off to future relationships.

The DVD started, and the excitement from the parents was infectious.

“Maybe this won’t be that bad,” I said.

Twenty minutes later and I realised I’d jinxed it. Big time.

I stared at the screen in horror as the baby pushed its way out of its mother.

“Jesus. Fuck! That’s not natural,” Jasper said, wide eyes and looking traumatised.

“Well it’s alright for you!”

“I can’t look away,” he whined. “Why can’t I look away?”