Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (28 page)

“Well done, Holly, she’s beautiful.”

Now I knew she was saying well done for giving birth, but Sophia was half my genes, she couldn’t have included me in the compliment?

“Congratulations,” Oakley and Cole said simultaneously as they followed Mum, holding a balloon, a bunch of flowers and a pink gift bag they must have picked up in the hospital store since this had all happened so early.

I hugged my sister because my mum had bypassed me completely. Looks like I’d just been knocked down her list of favourites! Oakley’s baby bump kicked me, and I grinned. Soon it would be them doing this.

“No Everleigh?” I asked.

She pulled away and shook her head.

“She’s with Cole’s parents. We thought it’d be better if we waited until you’re home. Holly’s just given birth, the last thing she needs is a four-year-old bounding around the room.”

“Oakley, Cole, have a quick hold now because I’m not giving this angel back until the end of visiting.” Mum handed Sophia to Oakley, who stared down at her niece with a tear in her eye. “Miles will be here soon, he’s just parking the car.”

“Yeah, we would have parked and all come up together, but Sarah shouted. A lot,” Cole said, leaning over Oakley’s shoulder to see his niece.

“Hey, it’s not every day you get another granddaughter!” She turned away and sat on the bed, facing Holly. “How’re you feeling?”

“I’m fine, considering, but it wasn’t long ago that I had some pain killers.”

“Keep taking them, even if you think you’re feeling better. I made the mistake of stopping on the third day after I had Jasper; I soon picked them up again,” Mum said.

I watched my mum, stepdad, sister and brother-in-law coo over Sophia and Holly, and I realised that without even knowing it, Holly was well and truly part of our family. Now all I had to do was grow a pair and tell her how I felt.

Chapter Thirty-four

Jasper

Driving away from the hospital made me sick to my stomach. Holly had promised she would call if she needed anything, but that only reassured me a little. What if something happened?

Five-year-old Oakley silently screamed my name in my head.

The maternity ward was secure, but that didn’t mean it was impossible for something to happen. I gripped the steering wheel. I wanted to go back and beg them again to let me stay. I’d sleep under Holly’s bed if they were just worried about me taking up space and getting in the way.

What if someone managed to get onto the ward? There were stories of children being snatched from hospitals all over the world. It could be Sophia as easily as any other kid out there.

The thought of someone hurting my innocent baby ripped me apart. It flitted through my mind constantly. I pictured the same scenario, with Oakley, then Everleigh, then Sophia. Then I saw Sophia crying, wailing. And then Oakley’s silent scream.

Rubbing my forehead, I tried to concentrate on the road while the images I couldn’t shake from my mind threatened to pull me under. My chest felt tight, and I worried I was on the edge of a mental breakdown.
No, I’m the strong one.

I pulled into Oakley’s drive just as the ache in my chest started to make me want to hurl. Before I’d got out of the car the front door opened and Oakley wrapped her cardigan around her, waiting for me.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

“I can’t stay with them,” I said, walking past her into the house.

“You mean you’re not allowed to stay at the hospital or Holly said no?”

“Hospital,” I replied.

I was going out of my mind. They were there alone.

“Holly is exhausted and in pain from the stitches. Anything could happen, Oakley.”

I gripped my hair as I felt fear consuming me. My lungs tightened to the point where I gasped for breath.

They’re alone. Anyone could hurt them.

“Jasper, calm down. Breathe!” Oakley said, rushing to my aid. But she was too late; I slumped to the floor as my legs gave out. What if someone was hurting Sophia?

Oakley dropped to the floor, and I gripped her. She was so young and so innocent. How could they have done that to her?

“I can’t…” Breathe.

I could see Oakley age five, scared, hurt, crying. And then Sophia was in her place.

“Jasper!”

Oakley’s voice floated away. I gasped for breath, but no air passed to my lungs and I descended into darkness.

I came round to my sister slapping my cheek.

“Jesus you scared me!” she hissed, wiping her damp eyes.

Groaning, I sat up and clutched my head.

“I swear if you don’t get help, Jasper-”

“Alright, alright,” I said, cutting her off. “I get it. I’ll make another appointment with Carol.” I’d had a couple but clearly I needed more because something in my head wasn’t working properly, and I needed her to fix it.

“Are you okay? Can you stand?”

“Yeah, stop fussing.” I pushed myself to my feet, and she rose too, holding her hands out, ready to catch me. I’d squash her if I passed out again. I made sure I was steady so I wouldn’t risk hurting her or my unborn niece or nephew.

“Stop fussing? You just had a panic attack and fainted!”

“Passed out,” I corrected, holding my finger up. Much more macho.

She pursed her lips. “Talk to me.”

“I’m not there,” I said. “What if something happens and I’m not there to protect them?”

She smiled sadly, her eyes filling with tears.

“I was so scared when Everleigh was born. I panicked, thinking if I wasn’t with her something would happen. Well, you know I did. No one is going to hurt them.”

“What if they do? What if something does happen and I didn’t do anything to stop it?”

“Stop! Calm down, you’re going to have another panic attack. Sit.”

She pointed to the kitchen table. “I’ll make you some tea then we’re going to talk.”

“I don’t want tea, I want to be at the hospital.”

She flicked the kettle on and spun around.

“You can’t be there 24/7. I know what it feels like, I never wanted to let Everleigh out of my sight. I still don’t, if I’m honest. But it’s not realistic. You can’t always be there. The nurses and midwives are there to help and protect them.”

A burst of laughter left my lungs.

“Yeah, so was he. I just don’t understand why and how he let it happen.”

I hadn’t expected that to come out.

“Not everyone is Dad. I know what it’s like to focus only on the negative, but most people out there are good.”

“So you’re okay now?”

She tilted her head to the side.

“Jasper, you, Mum and Jenna have Everleigh when I work because I can’t let her go to nursery. I’m starting to talk to Carol about school a whole year in advance because I’m so scared of her being somewhere alone. I’ll never be over it, but you have to let go a little.”

I rubbed my hands over my face.

“What do I do?”

“Don’t freak, but I think you should go and see him.”

I froze. Had she lost her fucking mind?

“Hear me out, and stop looking at me like I’m crazy.

“Then stop talking crazy,” I said.

“You said yourself you don’t understand it. Not that I think you ever really will. But I think you need a conversation with him. You never got that.”

“I don’t want it. I can’t sit there and ask him why he did what he did to you.”

“Good, because this isn’t about me. You need to ask him why he did it to
you
.”

I frowned. “He didn’t do anything to me.”

“That’s crap, and you know it.”

“But seeing him…” No. I don’t know how I could sit there and not lose it.

“This is about you, no one else. You need closure too. Jasper, you’re still stuck with what he did until you face it. Please don’t let him screw up enjoying having a new baby. He took that from me when I had Everleigh but not this time.” She placed her hand over her perfectly rounded belly. “Cole Junior will have me properly from the start.”

“You know you’re going to have to think of a better name than that, right?”

She smiled. “We can’t agree.”

“Jasper’s an awesome name.”

“Hmm, I don’t like it.”

I narrowed my eyes.

“I’m kidding! We’re swaying towards Bentley.”

I nodded once. “Good cars.”

“Way to get me off topic. You know what you need to do, don’t you?”

“Fuck,” I said. “I need to see him.”

She smiled, but it wasn’t wholly genuine.

“Good. When you’ve got your answers, you can leave him behind and focus on Holly and Sophia. And for goodness’ sake, ask her to move in with you!”

“I will. When I’ve got myself sorted out. She doesn’t need my stress on top of caring for Sophia. And thanks, sis.”

“Any time,” she replied and grabbed two mugs ready to make us a drink.

As soon as Oakley was settled at the table opposite me I blurted something else out that I didn’t intend to: “I love Holly.”

My sister’s smile rivalled a Cheshire cat’s.

“Finally! I was so hoping you’d realise you’re perfect together. And you have a beautiful little girl.” She started to cry. “I’m so thrilled for you, Jas, you deserve all the happiness in the world.”

“I can’t wait to get them home.”

“When are you going to tell her?”

“Soon. Not in hospital. I need to find another house ASAP.”

“Well, maybe if you’ll stop being so bloody picky.”

“I want a decent garden for Sophia to play in.”

She shook her head, laughing.

“Let’s not get into it again. Anyway, now you’ll have Holly helping you so it’ll go much quicker.”

I scratched the back of my neck. “You think she’ll want to move in with me?”

“Do you want her to move in?”

“Of course. I want us all under one roof. Might be a little too soon though, don’t you think?”

“You’ve just had a baby together. But anyway, it’d be a few months if you bought a house tomorrow. I’m the wrong person to have this conversation with.”

“Right. I Should talk to Hol.”

“Yeah,” she said and did the cat grin again. This time I did it too. I just hoped Holly felt the same way – I had a suspicion she did.

Chapter Thirty-Five

Holly

Jasper laid Sophia down in the Moses basket and tucked her in. She slept a lot, but the midwife told me that was perfectly normal for a three-day-old baby. I’d felt better ever since we got home this morning. Back at my parents’ was where my bed and my things were, so I felt more me.

Since he picked us up at half past eight his morning, Jasper hadn’t left our side. He’d taken his two-week paternity leave so he could be here. With Mum, Dad and Brad at work I was glad that I wasn’t alone for the very first day of having her at home. As much as I hate hospitals, having the midwives around was a comfort.

“How long do you think she’ll sleep for?” he asked, staring at Sophia. I loved how he looked at her. She already had him around her little finger.

“Probably three or four hours. She’s not been waking much between feeds.”

“Lazy baby,” he said and smiled.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure she’s storing all that rest up for when she’s older.”

He looked over and grinned wide. “And then she’ll use it to stay awake all night. I can’t wait.”

“Wow, really? Maybe I’ll drop her off at yours at nine at night and pick her up in the morning then.”

“Fine by me.”

You say that now…

He turned away from Sophia, giving me his full attention. “Do you want anything?”

“Something to eat, but I can make it.”

He thrust his hands out to stop me from getting up. “No. You sit and rest, I’ll make you something.”

“You’re taking what the midwife said too seriously, Jasper. I can make myself a sandwich!”

“You’ve given birth and had stitches. The midwife said to take it easy for the next week, so that’s what you’re going to do.”

He grabbed my blanket, which he had insisted on buying from the hospital shop, and laid it over me.

“Now you chill and watch some TV, and I’ll make lunch.”

“Jasper?”

He turned around.

“Thank you.”

“Any time.”

After lunch, my aunt, uncle and cousin turned up to see us. Jasper kept close by and my heart ached at the reason; he was scared of someone hurting Sophia. I hated his dad even more for the anxiety Jasper felt over her safety. I trusted every member of my family around my daughter, but he couldn’t do that. New parents had enough to worry about without those sorts of thoughts going through their heads.

“She looks like you, Holly,” Uncle Bill said, cradling Sophia in his arms.

I smiled. She didn’t look like either of us yet, in my opinion.

Jasper sat beside me; tension radiated from his hunched shoulders. He watched Sophia like a hawk. It looked as if he was seconds from ripping her out of Bill’s arms. Uncle Bill lived on a farm, so growing up I spent most of my summer holidays there, running wild in the fields and helping him feed the animals. He’d never hurt anyone. But that’s probably what everyone thought about Max until the truth came out.

As much as I hated that he didn’t trust my family I had to make allowances for what he’d been through. And Oakley was right; he hadn’t dealt with it at all.

“When’s her next feed, Holly?” Jasper asked. He knew he was just saying it in the hope they would hand her over to us.

My back stiffened. “Not for another hour,” I said. “Aw, lean in further Mary, that’s a lovely picture.” I unlocked my phone to take a picture of Sophia with her great aunt and uncle.

“Can we talk about something?” I asked when we were finally alone again.

“Anything,” he replied.

“It’s about your dad.”

“Then no.”

“Jasper, come on.”

He stood up and fussed around, folding a couple of Sophia’s blankets.

“There’s nothing to talk about, Holly,” he said, avoiding my gaze.