Players, Bumps and Cocktail Sausages (29 page)

“What’s going on? I can tell when you’re hiding something, you know.”

“I’m visiting him! Okay?”

“Oh.”

He dropped the pile of already folded blankets and sat back down.

“I’m visiting him.”

That wasn’t what I’d expected to come out of his mouth. The few times we’d spoken about it before, he’d got angry and shut down. I’d never have expected him to say he was going to see him.

“You want to?”

“No. I have to. Oakley seems to think facing him will help, and right now I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, or heart attack, every time someone goes near Sophia, so I’m willing to give it a try. I don’t want to feel this shitty whenever someone comes to see her. I don’t want to lay awake most of the night worrying that something’s happening to her.”

“I had no idea you were that scared.”

He turned his head, and I saw in his eyes how badly it affected him.

“Holly. I’m terrified,” he whispered.

Every night when he’d left the hospital with a smile on his face saying that he’d see us ‘first thing’ again, he’d been hiding how frightened he was about leaving us.

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” I knew he worried, but not to the extent that he couldn’t sleep.

“I didn’t want to worry you. Christ, you’d just given birth, you didn’t need my shit too.”

“Hey, you can talk to me whenever you need to. I don’t want you to think I’ve ever got too much going on, okay?”

He smiled tightly.

“I mean it, Jasper. Promise you’ll talk to me in the future. I can help.”

“I wish you could.”

“Stay here tonight. Maybe if you see that she’s fine it’ll be easier.”

“Maybe.”

“I’d die before I let anyone hurt her,” I said.

He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my temple.

“I know you would, but I can’t help feeling that way I do. I’m sorry. I’ll try harder.”

Sighing, I sunk into his side.

“And I’ll try harder too.”

“You need anything? I’m going to go to the shop and pick up some more dummies for Soph. We’ve dropped two already today, and we can’t sterilise them quick enough.”

“Good idea.”

“So…anything?” he asked and stood up.

I reluctantly let him go and blushed. There was something. “Um, just the dummies.”

“What?”

“It’s fine. I can get Mum to get it.”

“No, I want to. What is it?”

“Honestly, Jasper.”

“Tell me. I don’t mind getting whatever you need. Tell me, Hol.”

Flushing what was probably now a deep red, I replied, “I need more maternity pads.”

“Oh.” He blinked a few times and then nodded slowly. “I can do that.”

How embarrassing.

“It’s fine, I’ll text Mum now and ask her to pick some up on her way home. I meant to get more at the hospital, but I completely forgot. I have a couple left so I’ll be fine until this afternoon.”

“It’s fine, Holly. It won’t take me long. Anything else you need?”

He picked his jacket and key up.

“Are you really getting my maternity pads?”

“Yeah, you need them. What else? Those nipple ones too? Nipple cream, you got that? The midwife said those bad boys might leak and crack.”

I really did not want to have this conversation.

My face felt like it was on fire. “No! I have enough of those, thank you.”

His smile grew the more my face heated. “You’re embarrassed by this, aren’t you?”

How was he not?

“Holly, I watched you stand up and bleed out what looked like the remains of a human sacrifice, I’m pretty comfortable buying you those towel things now.”

“Oh Jesus, please just leave, Jasper.”

He laughed and bent down, kissing the top of my head. “Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll be fifteen minutes, tops.”

“Thank you.”

Chapter Thirty-six

Jasper

I stared at a long row of sanitary products. How many different types did women bloody need? How the hell was I supposed to choose between them? Taking a quick look either side of me to make sure no one was around, I stepped closer for a better look.

Brands were bunched together, organised by ‘flow’. What kind of flow was post-birth? Why didn’t she tell me? I didn’t want to call her in case she was sleeping. I could ask someone, but I didn’t want to admit that I didn’t know what the mother of my baby needed; I’d look like an arsehole for not knowing.

Why so much bloody choice?

I picked up one box with ‘wings’. Christ did women want them to fucking fly or something? Next to the wings was night-time ultra; I picked it up. And there were also extra long ones. Did it matter what size underwear you had? She was quite petite so would she want smaller ones, right? But did the flow matter?

Oh this is just fucking ridiculous!

How much choice did you need for that type of thing? Jesus!

“Jasper?”

No! I spun around, holding a box of wings and night-time ultra. My mouth dropped. I hadn’t expected to run into Abby, especially not down the Feminine Hygiene aisle.

She was gripping onto a small trolley with her baby. The little boy was tucked up in his car seat. The baby that I thought, for a little while, was mine. He was cute. I thought it would hurt when I saw him, but it didn’t. Seeing Abby and her son did nothing to me but make me wish I was back at Holly’s parents’ with her and Sophia.

I was over Abby. Looking at her now, I felt nothing. It didn’t hurt and although the memory of how our marriage ended hurt it didn’t bother me the way it used to.

I smiled. “Abby, how are you?”

She looked at the items in my hands and then laughed quietly.

“I’m doing really good, thanks. You?”

“I’m great. How’s…”

I trailed off, realising I didn’t even know her baby’s name. Not that I particularly should. We hadn’t spoken in months, and the only communication was through our lawyers, which was soon to end as our divorce was in the final stages.

“Jacob. He’s doing well. He’s ten days old now. What about you?”

“Everything’s good. Sophia is perfect.”

She smiled. “That’s great. I knew Holly was due soon, but I wasn’t sure when.”

I didn’t like the way she said Holly as if she hated her. I knew she wasn’t a fan before, but Holly had done nothing wrong. If it wasn’t for Abby cheating, I would have never been with Holly in the first place.

I was suddenly very grateful to Abby.

“Soph was due on the 9th of April, but she was early, born three days ago,” I said proudly. “Anyway, I really need to get back to my girls so I’ll see you around. Take care of yourself, Abby.”

I threw the two boxes in the trolley and Abby walked off. I still wasn’t sure if I was getting the right type, so I picked up a few others, chucking them in. I had ones with wings, short ones, long ones, ultra absorbent ones, night-time ones.... One of them had to be right, surely?

Holly burst out laughing at the full shopping bags I clung to. “Did you buy the whole shop?

“Hey, they give you too much choice! There can’t possibly be a need to for so many variations!” I ranted.

“I’m sorry. Thank you for getting them for me.” She took the bags off me and tipped them out on the sofa. The boxes covered two seats. Stifling a laugh, she searched through them.

“So which ones do you have?” I asked when she didn’t pick anything up.

“All of these are fine. It was very sweet of you,” she replied, dodging my question.

There was literally no other type left on the shelf that I didn’t pick up so what was wrong?

“What? It’s none of them, isn’t it? Jesus, I picked one of everything, how could I still get it wrong.”

“Hey, no, you did nothing wrong.”

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better. Tell me, Holly.”

“Well, I’ve been using the maternity ones. They’re down the baby aisle, but these are fine, they all work the same.”

What the fuck! Why would they put them somewhere else? How the hell were you supposed to know they did maternity ones if they weren’t with the others?

“I can go back.”

“No, don’t be silly. These are honestly okay. All these night-time ones will be fine now and the others in a couple of days.”

“I told you I’d get whatever you need.”

“And you have.”

“I haven’t. I’m such an idiot. When you said maternity pads I didn’t think they did something separate to all the others. I didn’t want to call in case you’d fallen asleep.”

“Jasper, stop. You’re not an idiot. You’re incredibly sweet. How many other men would get every variety and every brand just because they didn’t want to risk waking someone up?”

“They’re really okay?”

“Yes, I promise. Thank you.”

I smiled and sat down, wrapping my arm around her. Ever since I’d seen Abby in the shop I’d wanted to hold Holly.

“Are you tired?” I whispered. She nodded, pulling the blanket up and snuggling into my side. “Sleep then.”

If Holly was right, we had about another hour and a half before Sophia would wake up.

“I like having you around,” she whispered and yawned.

“I like being around. I’ll be here as much as you let me.”

“I’d never tell you not to come. You know you can see Sophia whenever you want.”

Of course I knew that. Holly would never try to keep me from our daughter; she loved Sophia too much to be selfish with her.

“I saw Abby today,” I said.

I wasn’t sure if it was deliberate or not, but she pressed her body against mine a little harder.

“Yeah? How is she?”

“Fine. She has a son called Jacob. He’s about a month older than Sophia. They both looked well.”

“That’s good. How do you feel after seeing her again?”

“I feel fine. Thought it’d make me miss her but I don’t. I care about her in the way I care about any other human, but I don’t have any feelings for her, good or bad.”

Holly looked up at me, her blue eyes brighter than ever. “That’s great.”

“Yeah it is. Seeing her made everything clear. What I want. Who I want.”

“Who you want?”

I narrowed my eyes. “You’re being very coy considering you already know it’s you.”

She didn’t move.

“I thought I was ruined for relationships. I was so sure I’d never want anything real again. When Abby cheated I thought that was it for me, that I’d never be able to trust anyone again and that I wouldn’t be brave enough to take a chance. But I trust you, Holly. It’s not taking a chance because we’re already there, aren’t we? We’ve been in a relationship since your aunt’s wedding but without the label.”

She gripped my jacket, tearing up.

“Good,” I said. “I knew you felt it too. I’m not scared to let you in, or acknowledge that I already have. I’m not worried about you crushing me because you won’t and you don’t ever have to worry because I will never hurt you; either of you.”

“Jasper,” she whispered.

“I know.” I pressed my forehead against hers. “God you really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?”

Her cheeks turned pink, proving my point. “You are, and so is Sophia. I’m a very lucky man to have you both.”

“I think I’m the lucky one,” she said.

I tucked her hair behind her ear, wanting to see more of that face I’d grown to love so much. She really was stunning. Her striking blue eyes sparkled. How could I not have seen how I felt about her before? Was it masked by the sudden pregnancy and my divorce? I’d been so consumed by everything else that I’d almost let her slip through my fingers.

“I’m never letting you go,” I whispered and kissed her.

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Jasper

I got out of the shower that I’d had to have after my little angel puked her milk all over me. For something so tiny, she could really let it all go. It was like a fountain. Thank God I had spare clothes at Holly’s place. I changed in the bathroom and went in Holly’s room to pack my old stuff in a bag.

My makeshift bed – a blow-up one – on the floor beside Sophia’s Moses basket laid unused. For the last couple of nights I’d slept beside Holly, cuddled up to her. I folded the fleece blanket up and pulled the plug out of the bed.

Everyone knew we were together now – we got a chorus of ‘about time’ or ‘weren’t you already together?’ thrown at us – so there was no point having the second bed down there.

I put the pillow back on Holly’s bed and saw an envelope. My name in Holly’s handwriting was scribbled on the front. A few things ran through my head, the scariest one: she’s breaking up with me and doesn’t know how to do it face-to-face. I picked it up, heart in my mouth as I opened it. I pulled the piece of paper out and started to read.

Jasper, I don’t know how to say this to you, so I thought writing it would be easier. I hope. Sometimes I feel that your protectiveness, although completely understandable, is an insult to me. I love Sophia as much as you do and I would NEVER allow anyone to hurt her, nor would I leave her alone with anyone I don’t trust.

You’ve been through something so terrible that, you’re right; I don’t get but that doesn’t mean that I’m not capable of making the right choices for Sophia and that I can’t adequately protect her.

I love that you want to be around, WE love having you around, but I want to be able to take my daughter out for a walk and not worry about checking-in with you. And I want you to be comfortable with us going out. We both have to give and take here, or we’re going to suffocate each other. I think it’s pretty obvious that I want to be with you by now, and you’ve said you want the same, so maybe once you’ve read this and understand a little more how I feel, we can talk. I want this to work. I want our little family together.

Holly X

I gripped her letter in my hand and closed my eyes, taking a deep breath through my nose. I was gutted that I’d made her feel like I thought she was a bad or an incapable mum. That was the last thing I felt. And I hated Max impossibly more because of it.