Pride Over Pity (8 page)

Chapter 9

Single to Homeless

The boat was rocking. Tipping to the left and then to the right. I eased into each direction in order not to lose my balance completely. There was no ocean, only a sea of people. Jo and his family were on one side, while a new arrival in my life was on the other. I would have to choose and that choice would have a major impact on both my life and Isaac’s.

Leaving Jo had crossed my mind often, I just never had the courage to go through with it. I got a job at Sports Authority and because of the confidence I got from working there I was beginning to feel like I could stand on my own two feet. This newfound sense of independence helped me to see that I didn’t have to settle for how I was living.

Isaac during his stay in the hospital for seizures

Jo’s family accepting me was the closest I had ever come to being a part of a loving family, but I was beginning to realize that I had made myself believe I needed his family because I didn’t have a supportive family of my own. I had grown so tired of constantly trying to fit into Jo’s family, but more than that, I was done lying. I had become friends with a guy named Jordan, one of my coworkers at Sports Authority. Hanging out with Jordan was refreshing and fun, even if at first he seemed like he wasn’t exactly the smartest of the pack. He was a great person and our friendship was a hundred percent healthier than anything I ever had with Jo. But spending time with Jordan, friends or not, was difficult because I felt like I had to lie. Even though I was working, the reality of a minimum wage job was that I couldn’t contribute much to the household. I was still very much dependent on Jo’s parents at this point and I knew they wouldn’t approve of me hanging out with some guy they’d never met.

Swimming with Isaac

Even a day at the beach meant weaseling around so Jo and his family wouldn’t find out. I felt guilty for wanting to get away for a while, but it had nothing to do with Jordan. The fact of the matter was I needed some time for myself. This period of sneaking around didn’t even last as long as a typical celebrity marriage. Jo quickly noticed my attraction and attention sway, so he began focusing on me again. He wanted me to chase him to resume the game of back and forth girlfriend. Jo spent more time talking to me and pushed the conversation into the direction of working our kinks out as a couple. But by then I had already moved on. Isaac deserved to have a happy family, not two miserable young adults hiding behind polite smiles.

***

At first, I didn’t want to be completely honest with Jo in case Jordan and I decided not to become serious. It was a very big deal to me, too. This would be the first relationship I had been in since Isaac was born. That being said, I knew not talking about it would only make the conversation much harder in the future. Uncomfortably, we discussed the nature of my relationship with Jordan. It didn’t seem like much of a secret I was spilling. After breaking up with Jo, it was only a matter of time before one of us moved on. Jo’s parents weren’t thrilled about me dating, but this also meant Jo would be dating soon, too. It was the golden break we needed in our complicated lives.

Once I cleared the air with Jo and his parents, Jordan and I were free to date. We chose not to rush into a relationship so our friendship could blossom first. I decided we should wait to have sex and even after three months we were going strong without it. It was comforting to have found someone who was willing to wait until I was ready. Although, eventually, he did become impatient. Like most guys, he succumbed to the belief that having a girlfriend was pointless if sex wasn’t part of the relationship. The waiting had proved to me that sex didn’t have to be the epicenter of our relationship, but I understood to a degree that it was important to him and gave in.

It turned out I was right to take a chance on Jordan. He was a person I could truly count on. I found myself liking him more each day as he kept me on my toes and always found the fun in everything. This relationship was unlike anything I had ever experienced. We kept busy. We actually had adventures as a couple instead of holing up all the time. We went out to eat, saw movies, shopped, and took trips to the beach. Later, as his involvement increased with MTV, we traveled to New York and Los Angeles together.

My decision to leave Jo meant I had to move out of his parent’s house. I had been living in their basement ever since we had broken up, but the change of rooms was a temporary solution to a growing problem. Eventually, I just ditched my belongings in the spare room in their basement and house hopped. No matter what the circumstances were I didn’t want to take advantage of the hospitality and generosity his family had shown me. I opted to stay at my mom’s whenever possible and at Jordan’s on the other days. Obviously, I couldn’t go on like that indefinitely. I needed my own place, but supporting myself and Isaac on a single, minimum wage income wasn’t realistic.

Thankfully, there are resources out there for young mothers like me. Valley Youth House, an organization that provides intervention services and counseling for young people, has a housing program for single mothers but they required a two-day stay in a homeless shelter in order to qualify. I was very wary about staying in a shelter even temporarily, but Isaac was my main concern. He needed a safe place to live with me and, at that point, staying at a homeless shelter for two nights seemed like a small price to pay. I already met their requirement of working at least twenty hours a week and not having a safe, permanent residence. This was one of the last prerequisites I needed to check off to qualify for the program.

I arranged for Isaac to stay at Jo’s, but I kept everyone in the dark as to where I was going. The shelter was in an old Victorian home in a not so great part of town. Since I still didn’t have a car, I asked Jordan to drive me there. I lied to him, saying I was doing a project—some good old-fashioned community service—but the backpack I brought didn’t have a notebook or log in sheet. Just a blanket, pillows, a few overnight supplies, and a phone charger. These were my temporary home fixtures.

The room I was given was large and impersonal. The mattress was stiff and thin. I wasn’t expecting a Posturepedic or heated blanket, but it was still hard to be in a place like that. I felt so restless and uncomfortable. Maybe these feeling were coming from within, from feeling ashamed of where I was. Nobody knew what I was doing, not even the MTV producers, and I hoped it would remain that way because I felt like utter shit.

The next day I went to work. I wouldn’t answer Jordan’s question as to why I needed to be dropped off again in Easton. I put on a happy face, but being in a homeless shelter was depressing. I couldn’t imagine spending more than the weekend there, yet most of the people there wanted and needed more than just a few days. The shelter had a thirty-day maximum stay, but everyone around me seemed to be begging for an extension. I wanted to believe the best but I overheard conversations about scheming the system. My heart went out to the innocent children who had done no wrong. They deserved better. I avoided looking into their eyes and shut myself into my room for the night.

There was an 11:00 p.m. curfew and no TV, so I changed my sleeping patterns and shut my eyes early. If I had to pee, I held it in. I refused to use the bathroom or the shower. This had nothing to do with pride. I really had no idea if these closed-off rooms were ever cleaned or if any dirty scenarios played out in there. I just wanted to shut my eyes and forget that I had ever been there.

I was able to get through it because I was motivated by a need for independence. I was determined never to have to rely on anyone ever again. I had to be strong for Isaac. I would never allow my son to become one of those children in the shelter, hoping in vein for brighter future. The amount I learned in the two days I stayed in the shelter was worth more than all the money in the world. It’s so easy to get caught up in your own life and tribulations, but there is always somebody out there who has it worse than you do. The payoff in my day-to-day life was tangible, too. The housing program would help me pay rent as long as I maintained a full-time job. Since I was already working, I was set. I found a reasonable apartment to live in and signed a one-year lease. The freedom of having my own place was like flying.

Just like that, the solitude to which I had grown so accustomed disappeared. Jordan began spending the majority of his time with me, and was pretty much unofficially living with me in my new apartment. Finding a huge white tee or a pair of boxers mixed in with the laundry wasn’t so unusual anymore. Jordan was a huge help. He quickly bonded with Isaac and even Jo grew to like him.

Chapter 10

Regrets

As my relationship with Jordan turned into a strong partnership, we found we had a new challenge to deal with. We had caught the attention of the paparazzi and, on Isaac’s first birthday, I had one of the inhuman stalkers follow me from Jo’s house to my apartment. I freaked out. They knew my address. They knew where my baby lived. Why were they following me? I’m not a celebrity.
Teen Mom 2
filming aside, I felt like my baby was totally off limits. But the paparazzi seemed to have missed the memo.

After that my guard was up, even while doing the simplest things like leaving work, doing laundry, or grocery shopping. I resented this invasion of my privacy. Although I had signed a contract with MTV to share certain aspects of my life, I hadn’t signed up for the public to have twenty-four-hour access to my life. But the popularity of
Teen Mom 2
meant that details about our personal lives had become a valuable commodity. People wanted to know more about us, and the tabloids would go to any lengths to get their customers what they wanted. I was okay with that as long there were some boundaries. I didn’t want my entire life publicized. Unfortunately, I was quickly learning that I didn’t really have a choice.

I felt bad for Jordan because he truly had no idea what he had signed up for when we started dating. But, despite how being in the public eye was impacting his life, he made it clear to me that he intended to be there next to me for the whole journey. Jordan was my sidekick and a rock for me as the ratings for
Teen Mom 2
soared and I became the subject of media scrutiny. Meanwhile, because Jordan was now a regular on the show, he was developing a fan base of his own. We received countless well wishes to our future on Twitter, which were more than welcome. However, some girls took it to a level I wasn’t comfortable with and Jordan was a little too friendly for my liking. One girl in particular was acting like she was making plans to move in with Jordan. I felt really hurt and almost angry for Jordan. This girl wanted to live with him just because she saw him on television. He had so many amazing qualities and she wanted him for something so stupid.

After such a solid year together, I was disappointed that Jordan had become so caught up in the attention that the show had brought him. I don’t think he had any real intention of going through with this move, but at the time I couldn’t help but leap to conclusions. I really loved him so the betrayal stung. But, I couldn’t really confront him about it without being a hypocrite. The small mistakes Jordan made weren’t seen on television, but my huge downfall was.