Progress (The Progress Series) (12 page)

Her breathing went ragged and she felt light-headed. Her knees weakened and she started to shake.
No!
A flash of her casual stroll, her mind far from Jesse at the time, tumbled into her mind. She had been far from self-doubt, drunk on life and margaritas.

“Whoa. Charlie? Are you okay? You look like you’re about to fall down.” He grabbed her arms as her knees buckled.

She kept her head down, refusing to look at him.

“Hey. You okay?” Jesse said softly, tipping her chin up.

Her eyes still to the ground, a tear escaped and she whispered, “Sorry.”

“Don’t be. I think you’re just tired. Let’s get you to your bed.”

“No, not that. I’m fine. I was apologizing for…seeing me naked.”

“Why?”

“Nothing. I’m fine. I’m going to take a shower. You can raid the cupboards and help yourself.” Charlie made sure her pace was just a bit faster than his on the way back to the cabin. She didn’t say a word and walked straight to the bathroom.

Sitting
on the lidded toilet for several minutes holding her face in her hands, she tried to make herself as small as possible.

Well, he stayed with me. All night. He still wants to be my friend. That’s good I guess. But if I thought he’d ever be attracted to me, that’s gone now.

She heard a knock on the door.

“Just a minute.” Her voice cracked. Wiping her eyes, she peeked through the crack in the door and exhaled. “What’s up, Jess?”

“Are you okay?”

“Fine! Why?” She faked her enthusiasm.

“Don’t be ashamed, Charlie.”

Petrified of what he would say next, she froze. With wide open eyes, she shook her head and quickly closed the door.

“I’m fine, Jess. Go eat! I’ll be out in a bit!” She tried to keep her tone even, speaking loudly behind the door.

In the shower, Charlie looked at her naked body differently.
He’s seen this. No! Not Jesse. 
She ran the soapy washcloth over her arms, breasts, and stomach. Not knowing if it was the shower or her own tears, she sniffed. She quickly lathered the berry-scented shampoo in her hair and rinsed it out. Watching the soap swirl into the drain below, she tried to imagine the way in which he saw her.
Maybe the shadows helped? Maybe I didn’t look as bad as I think. It was really dark and he was far back toward the cabin…

Wiping herself off, she used the towel to smear the steam from the mirror. All she could see was a peach blur. An indistinct hazy cloud; nothing of consequence. As shame consumed her, she suddenly didn’t care what she looked like. Not bothering to put on makeup, she had no will to make herself pretty that morning. The time for that had come and gone.
There’s no way he’ll ever want me
.

Charlie caught the smell of bacon coming from outside the bathroom. She wrapped a towel around her body and slowly opened the door.

Karal was sitting at the kitchen island in her pajamas and fluffy slippers. Jesse was behind the counter preparing another pot of coffee.

“G’Morning, sunshine! How did you sleep?” asked Karal.

“Um, we haven’t yet. I’m just going to go upstairs and get some clothes on. The bathroom is free if anyone needs to shower,” Charlie said quietly.

“Aren’t you going to do your makeup?”

“No. Not today.” Charlie climbed the stairs and threw her suitcase on the bed. Rummaging through her things, she found her old comfortable Civil Defense cotton T-shirt and threw on a baggy pair of jeans. Wrapping a bandana on her head, she didn’t bother to check a mirror.

“Is he still here?” Angie’s voice was hoarse and groggy as she rose from the bed.

“Yes. He made some breakfast, I think. Coffee is brewing.”

“Did you guys…
ya know
?” she asked.

“Good god, Angie. Is that all you ever think of? No. We didn’t.
” Charlie continued in a whisper, “And we never will.”

Charlie made her way down to the kitchen. Jesse was in the shower and Karal was enjoying her first sip of coffee with a smile.

“The guy sure knows how to make a mean bacon, cheese, and tomato omelet! I think I’ll pick his brain for some new menu items. Maybe he can help us prep them. He’s always looking for more hours,” Karal said.

Charlie made a cup of coffee. Two creams, one sugar. She stepped outside for a cigarette, saying nothing.

“You’re sure quiet this morning.” Karal followed her to the front porch.

“I’m not feeling so great. Just tired, I think.” Charlie gave her a half smile.

“Bullshit,” Karal said.

Charlie shook her head. “I don’t really want to talk about it right now. It’s been a long night.”

“All right. I understand. I’m going to go inside and shower. You know where to find me if you change your mind.” Karal rubbed Charlie’s shoulder then headed toward the door. “Charlie?” she called back. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No, not at all. I’m just tired.”

Karal nodded and went inside.

Charlie finished her cigarette slowly. She didn’t want to go in there.
He
was in there. Everything was so different now. His eyes had been tainted. He had seen a side of her that no other man had before. And it was her hideous side. She was embarrassed, agitated, debased, ruined. She felt defeated. Their game was over.

As she turned to go inside, Jess was standing behind her.
How long has he been here?

“Hey,” Charlie said, taken aback.

“Hi.” He gave her a small smile and shoved his hands in his pockets.

“Before you go inside, I wanted to talk to you about my
…confession this morning,” he said quickly.

Charlie shook her head. “No. I don’t want to hear about it. I’m so…embarrassed about it.” She couldn’t stop her eyes from welling with tears.

“No, Charlie. Don’t be. It wasn’t… I mean, I didn’t mean to look. I just glanced up and saw you quickly,” his voice rushed. “Please don’t be upset with me.”

She stopped her mouth from saying what it wanted to next. “Oh, Jess. I’m not mad at you at all. It was an accident.” She tried not to let him see her tears.

He smiled shyly. “It certainly wasn’t what I was expecting to see.”

“I bet it wasn’t,” she muttered.
Please. Don’t start. Be careful with this.

“No, I mean…you’re always so self-conscious. You’re always wearing baggy clothes and trying to cover yourself. You were so…confident. Secure. I’ve never seen you like that,” he said, his smile vanishing.

“I’m usually not very secure around you.” She looked up and when he saw her tears, he mimicked her dismal expression.

“That’s my fault,” he said.

“It doesn’t matter, does it? I am who I am. You are who you are. I don’t expect you to change. I just need to get over my…
issues
,” she sniffed. “It really has very little to do with you, Jess. It’s not your fault. I’ve got some problems.”

He nodded and looked over her shoulder toward the lake in thought.

“Birds of a feather,” he whispered after a minute.

“I’m going to go in now. I don’t really want to talk about this anymore.” She closed the door on the conversation and walked inside.

Angie and Karal were on the couch flipping through the channels on the TV, looking for something more interesting than
Sesame Street.

“What time were you guys thinking about taking off this morning?” Charlie asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe after we wake up and get ready?”

“Well, I think I’ll take off early. I’m super tired and I just want to go home and sleep until my shift tomorrow.”

Jesse walked into the family room. “Aren’t you going to eat anything? I can make you an omelet.”

“I’m not very hungry right now. Maybe I’ll grab something on the way home,” she lied.

“Are we leaving now?” Jesse asked.

“I am. I don’t know what your plan is. The girls are going to leave in an hour or two.”

“Can I get a ride from someone?” When no one responded, he quickly said, “You could just drop me off at The Crimson.”

“How did you get here?” Angie asked.

“I took a cab.”

Charlie’s mouth hung open.
How much did that cost?

“You must have really wanted to get here. I hope you got what you came for.” Angie eyed him up and down and resumed channel surfing.

Charlie huffed. “C’mon. You can come with me.”

*

For the first hour, Charlie turned up the music, almost unbearably, not giving them a chance to speak. Jesse calmly waited until the CD ended before he started.

“So, are you gonna tell me who did this to you?” he prompted.

Her head snapped toward him. “Did what?” But she knew what he was asking.

“Made you feel so…uncomfortable with yourself.”

She didn’t say anything for a long time. Twenty miles passed before she replied. He had probably even forgotten he had asked her a question.

“I don’t think that would be wise,” she finally said.

“Why?”

“Oh, Jess. Because I don’t trust you with the information, that’s why. I keep feeling like you’re going to use it against me. Or you’ll just keep toying with me. Then I’ll feel like more of an ass for confiding in you.”

“Oh.” He was somber. “Have I given you the impression that I
want
to hurt you?”

“No. You just do. You
all
do. I get too attached and…” Charlie shook her head, not wanting to say anything more.

“All? All who?” he asked.

“Men! All you fuckers end up hurting me! No matter what I do, you all end up making me feel ugly. And I just don’t know if I have it left in me to scrape myself up off the pavement again.” She didn’t know whether to cry, scream, or yank the car into the nearest lake. “See, I’ve already said too much. Please, just drop it. I’m exhausted. This whole night has been draining. I’m surprised I haven’t fallen asleep at the wheel yet.”

“Do you want me to drive? You can sleep,” Jesse offered.

She swallowed and emptied the air from her lungs. “Yes please,” she said quietly.

“Oh, I almost forgot. I made you a CD. It’s Rx Bandits’ best album, ever.” Jesse said, handing her a disc with his printing on the front:

Progress.

Charlie pulled into the parking lot of the next rest stop. They switched seats and got back on the road immediately. She rested her head back on her seat and positioned it so that it reclined. Grabbing her pillow from the backseat, she tried to sleep. Her mind raced.

She thought about what she had said to Karal the night before. Karal had asked if she trusted Jesse. He had been so sweet all night. Taking a cab two hours to Lake Mille Lacs to find her and thank her. Spending the night with her on the beach. His confessions.
It’s only fair you tell him
.
He’s proven to you that you’re friends.

“I was twenty when I started having anxiety attacks.” Charlie heard herself speaking, bu
t felt disconnected from her voice. “I didn’t know what they were at first. I would just start shaking and sobbing over scenarios I created in my head. My pulse would race and my heart would pound. Then I’d be convinced I was having a heart attack. The paranoia would spiral out of control quickly. So, I went to a doctor and he referred me to a psychiatrist.” Charlie looked up to see Jesse’s expression. His brow was puckered but he kept his eyes on the road.

“So after a couple of months, I finally tol
d my therapist about the rape,” she said. Jesse’s eyes closed briefly as he swallowed. “I was nine years old,” she continued, sniffing and looking out the window. “It was a friend of the family. And when he was done taking care of his…business, he beat the shit out of me,” she continued. “I told my parents that I had fallen rollerblading.”

Charlie stopped glancing at Jesse to read his expression. It was hard enough rehashing all of this.

“When I got into middle school, I met a boy named Aaron. He made fun of me every chance he got. Blimp, lard-ass, fatty, gross, whale, obese, wide load. He stuck signs on my back. In high school, he got everyone else to hate me. Dared a guy to ask me to Homecoming...”

She tried to get back on track without dwelling too much on the pain. “So, needless to say, after those, and others, Doc said I had an issue with men. So this morning, when you said you had seen me naked, the first thing I thought was that you were going to make fun of me. Seeing that. Seeing my…body.” She shuddered. “I thought you’d crush me. Break me all over again. You could say I’m a bit insecure.”

She inhaled deeply and closed her eyes.

Keeping her eyes shut, she felt the exhaustion start taking over. “It’s like evolution. We adapt to survive. I guess my mind did what it needed to do in order to cope. My anxiety attacks surface when I’m about to be touched…so I’m stuck with the shaking, the nerves, the panic... ” Charlie’s voice trailed off as she began embracing much needed sleep.