Progress (The Progress Series) (15 page)

“Jesse, please. I may not know you as well as some, but I don’t think I’ve seen you three times altogether since you left here at fourteen years old, let alone three times in one year. Something is on your mind. So tell me,” she said, sitting down across from him.

He spoke without taking his eyes off the horizon. “Bree came to see me the other day.”

Lily’s face saddened. “I knew that day would come. What did she say to you?”

“She misses me. She wants me back. Again.” He shook his head.

“What do you think you should do?” Lily asked.

“I don’t have a clue.”

“What does your gut tell you?”

“To run away. Fast.” His face lightened. A quick smile rose from his mouth and vanished almost instantly.

Lily nodded and looked down in thought.

“What about that girl, Charlie? You don’t often bring girls around here. I thought she was…special.”

“Oh, she is. She’s…I don’t know. She’s my friend. Can’t ruin that, can I?”

“Maybe not. Have you talked to her about it?” she asked, encouraging him to sound it out for himself.

“No. Well. Not really. She’s…she’s too much of a goody-goody. Everything she does is good. Not like me. Not like what I do. She is always such a calm, forgiving, generous, and pure person.” His words sounded forced, trying to counter the compliments with a harsh tone. “But she’s naïve and sensitive, my complete opposite. Always trying her hardest, being the person she thinks she should be. It’s nauseating.” He looked toward the stairwell, lightly shaking his head out of a hard gaze.

Lily giggled. “Liar. You don’t find it nauseating at all.”

His forehead scrunched for a second. “I know,” he said with a sigh. “You’re right. We’re just too different. And she’s always so divisive.”

She laughed. “Sounds like someone I know.” Raising an eyebrow, she winked. “Maybe all you need is each other?”

“All right Buddha, since you’re so smart – tell me what to do about Bree then! Since that’s the reason I’m here.”

“Take it easy. You’re here for my advice, and if I’m not mistaken I just gave it to you. Don’t sass me – or I’ll…I’ll…shake my finger at you and give you a nasty look!”  Lily taunted him with her finger and grinned.

Shaking his head, he laughed.

Lily’s face grew serious. “Have you told either of them?”

“What?” he said, his smile vanishing.

“You know, about
him
. The reason you ran here that day. Or about your father?”

“No. I don’t talk about that stuff with anyone.” Jess shook his head.

“Do you trust either one of them with that information?”

“I’m getting there,” he replied after a pause. “Then again, I haven’t given them much reason to trust me, either.” One corner of his mouth lifted and he let out a half laugh.

“It’s good to see that – your laugh. Just do me a favor. Whatever you decide to do with Bree, Charlie, or neither, just make sure you’re happy. And make sure that they deserve you. You’re always selling yourself short and underestimating your potential…”

“God, now you sound like Charlie!”

Her brow lifted. “Smart girl.”

They continued their afternoon chatting over a game of chess and some leftover fries from lunch. He tried to speak as little as possible about his dilemma, soaking everything in and beginning to slow his frantic leg shaking under the table. But the ease of conversation consistently brought him back to words about Charlie.

He was calmer with Lily, calmer than he had been all week. He could trust her. She had proven that to him long ago. She was a private person, discreet. There was nothing and no one he needed to fear in that place, surrounded by a shield of sunflowers and a small dirt road that dead-ended with Lily’s place and her charming Sadie, hidden and invisible from the world. All she needed was a good movie, a little John Denver, and an occasional customer. This was what made her happy. This was the closest thing Jesse had to calling home until the age of sixteen.

“Well, whatever you decide, I’m here. You know, if you need me. I love you, Jesse.”

“I love you too, Lil.” Scooping his strong arms around her for a tight squeeze, he joined reality again. He got in his car and drove back to the suburbs, leaving a trail of dirt flying up with the wind.

*

The next few days sped by in a blur. Jesse couldn’t find the nerve to call his beloved Bree, so he did what he knew would work to pass the time quickly: he drank and ignored several calls from Charlie. He was easily agitated, his anger soared from low to high, and an emotional roller coaster replaced his coherent thoughts.

Finally, after day three, Jess arrived at work and quickly looked around for Charlie. She wasn’t out back having a smoke. He searched the break area, walk-in cooler, and prep area. Walking into the dining room and seeing several servers sitting at a table, he couldn’t hide his delight when their eyes met.

“Hey.” Jesse announced his presence as he sat across from Angie--the only seat available.

“Oh. It’s
you
.” Angie announced her disapproval.

“So, was it busy today?” His question was directed to the table in general.

Charlie’s eyes lit up. “Not really. Slow for a Monday.”

I’m staring again. Shit, I’m smiling too! Quick, find something to talk about.

“Whatcha eatin’ there?” he asked Chelsea, another server.

With abundant sarcasm, Angie replied, “Oh, it’s the Wild Mushroom and Chicken Penne. What do you think, Jesse? You’ve worked here how long? I think you can recognize what’s on her plate.”

“Sometimes, Angie… I wish you were a guy. I’d take you out back…” Jess said.

“You wish I was a guy? Why, so you could do me up the ass, is that why?”

The entire table turned their attention towards Jess to wait for his reaction as they held back their snickers.

Bitch.

Like a juvenile, Jesse marched off toward the kitchen, but not before looking at Charlie. She was snickering, too.

Bitches.

He swung open the kitchen doors and they bounced off the walls, making a stack of plates from the dishwashing area crash to the floor. He didn’t even turn at the sound, just continued his pouting toward the smoking area out back and lit a cigarette.

A moment later, Charlie came outside.

“What do you want?” His attitude, a warning.

“C’mon, Jess! You gotta learn to laugh at yourself! The joke wasn’t even that funny, but your childish behavior afterward is what made it hilarious. You can’t blame us for laughing.”

“Get the hell out of here,” he said.
She’s right.

Charlie’s eyes hollowed, her face desolate. “I’m sorry,” she said softly and took a step closer. “I thought we were going to talk. A few days ago. You never called.”

He shook his head and brushed her off.

“Oh grow up, Jess.” She shook her head and retreated into the building.

He walked back into the kitchen now calmer after his cigarette, smiled at Ben, the Delivery Manager, and made his way to the employee bathroom to change into his uniform. When he walked out, Angie was standing there waiting.

Is she waiting for me?

“Hey, Jess. I’m sorry,” she managed to choke out. “I just spoke with Charlie; she said you were pretty upset.”

“Don’t do me any favors, Angie. I know you hate me, so just back off.”

“I don’t hate you Jesse. I just…don’t like your attitude. You’re so hot-tempered and antagonizing. You just rub people the wrong way. I really didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. Seriously. You’re a really hard worker, and I respect that. I just don’t like your instability and I definitely don’t appreciate…” she trailed off, hesitant to say anything further. In a huff, she turned and walked away.

“What? You don’t appreciate what?” He caught up with her and grabbed her elbow.

Angie took a step back toward him and hushed her voice. “I don’t appreciate you misleading Charlie. She’s like a sister to me.”

“Mislead? How am I misleading her?”

“We both know you couldn’t possibly be interested in her. If you are, it would only be for one night, and
that’s
what I don’t trust. If you aren’t messing with her head and really do want to be with her, you’d take her virginity and kick her ass to the curb. It’s the way you operate,” she snarled. “I’ve had hostesses and servers crying on my shoulder because of you. I will
not
see you do the same to Charlie. Do. You. Understand. Me?” Her tone was menacing.

The look on Jesse’s face was reproachful. His mind began to race and his heart was attempting to keep pace. Thoughts overflowed and the words that were arriving in his head didn’t make sense as sentences. He felt a rush of anger; he could feel the heat rising in his jaw and he began grinding his teeth. Instinctively, he made tight white fists and his posture straightened. He knew that he was being threatened. By Angie, no less.

“Listen to me carefully, Angela, because I will not repeat myself. Please take into consideration that I don’t usually convey what I’m feeling right now with words, and usually take a more uncivilized approach by removing a few teeth with my boot. So please, with all due respect, back the fuck off.” He exhaled harshly and dipped his head down, nostrils flaring.

I’m going to hit something. Someone. I need to get out of here. Quick.

“I need a minute,” he said to Ben, walking past him out to his car.

“Hurry up! We’re getting busy over here!” Ben shouted as the door slammed.

*

This feels like shit. Charlie is mad at me. I want to beat the shit out of Angie. Bree won’t get the fuck out of my head. Work is waiting.

I could just run.

No. Not my style.

I need a drink.

Jesse’s life turned into a nightmare.

Refusing to spend time with Charlie didn’t bother him much, as he had other women to soothe his needs. He continued to allow himself to be tormented by thoughts of Bree and the memories of his father and foster families. The drinking didn’t make it easier for him. Quite the opposite. It started as a nightmare once a week, but as the nights progressed, the dreams surfaced more frequently.

Chase. I’m being chased. Who is chasing me? It’s him. Run! Get away! What does he have in his hand? Oh god, no. Not the hot grease from the stove.

I’m under the table. He can’t see me. Can he see me? Curl up real small. Smaller! He can see your feet! He knows you’re here. Get out! Run!

I’m under the bed now. Did he follow me here? I’ll be real quiet. I’ll be good, I swear. I’m a good boy. Please, don’t. Please! I’m a good boy. No! Not the belt.

I’m in the hall closet. Don’t say anything. Don’t say anything. Don’t breathe. Keep your head down. Smaller! Stay small. He’ll see you. He’ll hear you. It’s so hot in here. So hot. My skin is melting. Where is Mandy? Mandy!

Jesse woke in heavily soaked sheets, his heart racing, and found a cooler place on the carpet. With energy building, his eyes stayed open for an hour before the restlessness mounted too heavily for him to stay still any longer.

The nightmares weren’t always the same. Memories of his childhood would be replayed, paused, stopped, and started again. Over and over. He would try to wake himself, but never could. He was just a little boy and wasn’t strong enough.

Sometimes he couldn’t tell who was chasing him. He couldn’t tell if it was his real father or his foster father. It was obvious they both had done their share of damage, but his memories and dreams were starting to blend together. They became another reason to continue drinking and to avoid sleeping.

He rarely spoke to Charlie. When he did, it held no meaning for him. He also didn’t see or speak to Bree, avoiding both of them. His primary thoughts were who he would have sex with that night and what he’d drink that evening. He spent very little time at The Crimson after his shifts, and more time with Jake.

Within his incoherent thoughts and actions came spending sprees. Books, porn, comics, a collection of Batman action figures, original 1970s posters of various artists such as The Smiths, Elton John, The Commodores, Kool and the Gang, and The Sex Pistols. He spent money on dinners, cigarettes, marijuana, and booze. One evening he paid the entire bar’s first round on his new Mastercard. The tab was over a thousand dollars. He was digging himself into a hole that he wouldn’t be able to free himself from. His only defense would be that he had been too crazed to remember purchasing any of it.

*

A busy night at work had Jesse running around town, from Burnsville to Apple Valley and back again to Eagan. Listening to the Bosstones and chain smoking, he contemplated his plans for the night. Jake was out with Julie on their second anniversary, and a night alone with video games didn’t sound appealing.

Trouble. I want more trouble.

As he was cashing out his tips for the night, he glanced in the bar and saw Charlie sitting with Karalee. Just behind her sat Brian, alone. Brian was a new driver at The Crimson who talked a big game, and spoke about Motocross, video games, and smoking a lot of weed.