Progress (The Progress Series) (27 page)

Lying down next to her, he slings his hairy leg over her smooth one. They both exhale loudly.

She waits a few minutes for him to say something, anything. When she is satisfied that he has fully recovered his breath from their unraveling, she stands up and begins getting dressed.

“What are you doing?” He shoots up from the bed.

“Going home,” she says, without sounding needy or shameful. She even manages to genuinely smile.

She leans over and gives him a kiss as she is buttoning her sweater.

“Why are you leaving?”

“Because that’s the way this works, Jess. You don’t need to remind me.” She reaches into her purse and finds a bandana to wrap around her head, hiding her atrocious bed hair.

“Oh. Yeah, that. Well, maybe you could stay and we could try again in the morning?”

“That would be nice. But I have to work.” End of discussion.

She is fully dressed now and grabs her purse. She smiles and opens the door.

“Wait! Please. Please don’t leave me,” he begs.

She pauses only for an instant and turns to him, almost as though she has rehearsed it.

“This was never going to be what we thought, you know. This game is over, Jess.”

“What do you mean? Game over?” he asks.

“This is the end.”

“So that’s it? That’s all you’re going to say to me is ‘game over?’” He pleads with his eyes.

“What more is there to say? I mean, you’re a smart guy. Very smart. Tell me honestly, can you be everything I need you to be?” She kneels in front of him.

“Maybe. I don’t know,” he whispers. “Don’t leave. Not tonight. Stay with me until morning.”

She smiles and looks down. “If I stay tonight, I’ll never leave.”

He rubs her cheek with his thumb and smiles. “Then don’t.”

“I’ll never be able to be everything you need me to be. And that’s okay.” Removing his hand from her face, she gently rubs his palm. “I just needed to be here for you. Your friend, your lover. Your confidante. I wouldn’t change a single moment of it. But you need to realize that love is more than just obsession wrapped up in a tiny, dancing brunette package. Us, you and me, we were just temporary fixes to each other’s permanent problems. I’m not right for you; I don’t have what it takes. As much as I wish…” she paused. “You’ve taught me so many things, Jess. You’ve shown me what relationships should and shouldn’t be. You’ve taught me that no matter how ugliness is shunned and ridiculed, that I should never again feel inferior to anyone. You’ve shown me just what I want in someone, and a few things I don’t.”

She pulls his mouth to hers and kisses his lips gently. “I should go,” she whispers and smiles. She rises and takes one more glance at Jesse as she walks toward the door.

“Wait, Charlie! I’m ready. I’ll tell you everything. My past, my scars, all of it. Just don’t leave. I’ll tell you, now--”

“Oh, Jess. I might be making a mistake in this, and if I am, it’s mine and I’ll have to live with it. But your part
you
need to figure out. As much as I want to know – am dying to know – it’s not
me
you should be telling; I am inconsequential. It’s figuring out that there are people out there
worthy
of telling.” She turns the handle and looks back once more. “Love isn’t supposed to be where you go just because you have no place left to run.”

Her words linger in the air between them as she walks out.

The End

Second Book in the Progress Series

On the way home that night, I hit a rabbit; a beautiful, sprightly thing. I had never hit anything with my car before, and haven’t since. And that fluffy white fur sprinkled the tar as I looked in my rearview mirror, horrified.

Nothing about that night was innocent. Nothing about it was right. Including my decision to leave him. I hadn’t thought about the fitting white rabbit metaphor until it was too late.

And now that I have remorse, an explanation, more I need to tell him…he’s gone.

Dear Jess,

I haven’t decided whether or not I’ll give you this letter, but I’m going to write it with the intentions of you reading it someday.

I hate not being able to be honest with you. But I’m way too defensive, needy and prideful where you’re concerned. I’ve reached this point where I plan the things I want to say to you. But of course, the subject of “us” is always brushed under the rug and saved for another day, another time, when we’ll both be ready to face it.

I’ve decided that day will never come.

I don’t regret that night, and I’m sorry if you do. And I’m sorry if you were ever disappointed. I’m not as experienced as, well, you. But I need you in my life. I need you as my friend. Who knows? Maybe the sexual tension will finally pass now that the mystery is over. I’ll understand if it’s too weird for you, but I’m kind of addicted to you. To “us.” I’ve been pretty miserable for the past few days not knowing what you’re thinking, not being able to ask you, not being able to see you.

I know we’re not in love with each other. But I don’t think, even twenty years from now, I could ever stop adoring you.

There’s something about your mixed messages that had kept me at your beck and call. It probably freaks you out that I’ve thought about you for so long, and so hard. I had been trying to put all the pieces together in my head, but it’s like a god damned never-ending jigsaw puzzle that just keeps accumulating in my head. It’s starting to overflow out my ears.

I left you that night for a few reasons. I had been thinking so much about myself and how you made me feel, that I hadn’t taken into consideration whether or not “you and I” should happen at all. When you asked me to stay, well, let’s just say that was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I couldn’t stay. I feared the rejection you might give me the next morning with a change of heart. I feared what would happen if I let myself fall in love with you. But most of all, I feared you. You’re not ready for what I need. And, I certainly don’t have the understanding or patience for your moods. I am not right for you, either. God, I wish I was. I wish I was everything you wanted and needed me to be. I long for a fairytale ending, a dark knight on a white horse, a happily ever after. But with you, I just can’t do it. I couldn’t let myself be a part of that night anymore. Everything had been perfect, and I needed to leave before you crushed it for me.

The bottom line is… I can’t be the person you deserve. I know I’m sassy, sarcastic, foxy, feisty and about a dozen other adorable words you choose to describe me. But that’s not enough. That’s all superficial bullshit. You need someone better than me. She needs to be patient, kind, forgiving, less defensive. You need someone who doesn’t hold your words against you. Someone who can understand and relate to your mind. With time, I can see a relationship between the two of us chipping away at all the things I love about us now, slowly shredding it until there’s nothing left.

Walking away seemed the best thing to do at the time. But there isn’t a minute of the day I don’t wish I had made a different choice.

I’m tired Jess. I’m exhausted from the game we play. I need the truth. If you can’t give me that, then I don’t want to hear anything else you have to say.

Please, just tell me how you feel.

-Charlie

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