Progress (The Progress Series) (25 page)

“Jess, I’m sorry. Don’t make me leave.”

“I don’t know what I was thinking, asking you to come here. I can’t do this.” He begins taking emotion out of his voice.

“Please. Just talk to me. I care, Jess. Please stop pushing me away. Or one of these times I’ll just stay away.”

“If you stay, I can’t be responsible for what I say to you. So just go!” It’s almost a shout.

“Let me help you.” As soon as it slips out, she closes her eyes.
Damn eggshells.

“Help? I don’t need your help! I don’t want anything to do with you! Why can’t you just leave me alone?” he screams as he moves towards her, urging her back downstairs to the front door.

Startled and embarrassed, she turns around awkwardly to escape this personal hell. She was so sure he was opening up and receptive to her kindness. Her throat is in her stomach and she suddenly can’t wait to get home and hide under the covers for a week.

She opens the door quickly and runs outside. It takes a split second for her to get her bearings and remember where she is and where her car is parked. As she turns towards the driveway, her shoe slips off and she stubs her toe but doesn’t skip a beat;
cursing, she limps her way back towards the car. She can’t risk looking behind her to see if he is watching this whole scene, certain he’ll see right through her, as she thought he always had. And of every thought that ever ran through her mind, she’d never want him to see how much he hurt her just now. She doesn’t think there is anything anyone could do now to rectify this, until she feels his hand on her arm.

“Damn you,” he whispers in her ear. Quickly, he has her back pinned between his hip and the car. She tries to buck him off, but he has such a tight grip on her that there is no escaping. Not yet.

“Damn you. Why did you have to be so damn sexy? I mean, my god. You’re irresistible,” he repeats in a softer whisper. Resting his head on her shoulder, he waits for her to stop struggling.

Her entire body softens.
Say it again
.

As soon as he is satisfied she won’t run, he loosens his grip on her wrists, but only slightly.

“Why couldn’t you have just left me alone? Why did you ever agree to have a drink with me in the first place? I would have been fine if you just would have left me alone.” He begins with soft kisses on the back of her neck, trailing up to her ear.

So many things
tumble through her mind. Whether to stay and give herself to this man she’s waited her
whole life
for. To trust someone with her body, her mind, her damaged confidence. Or should she just leave and forget all about this train wreck of a relationship? Both options are tempting; pros and cons alike. But she doesn’t have time to think about them all. She just has to choose.

“Jess, don’t.”

He ignores her and continues kissing her neck. Folding down her collar to get to her back and shoulder blades, she can hear him inhaling her hair, her perfume; a soft moan escapes his throat.

His cold hands find her waist and he starts moving them up the front of her shirt. She can feel his arousal on her backside and can’t believe she’s having this effect on him.
This shouldn’t feel so right
.

“No!” She turns as tears fall from her eyes.

He steps back. “Please,” he pleads with her, knowing how hard this will be for her, not just because of her lack of experience, but also because it’s
him
. For a year they’ve been battling back and forth, a game of who was going to make the first move, neither of them daring for their own reasons. Neither of them secure enough to do so. Both scared to see who they’d become if they did.

She’s never seen this look on his face before. He is broken; rejected, damaged goods – just like she
is. He’s sick of fighting and his mind is weak.

“Don’t leave,” he stumbles over his words as he approaches her slowly, waiting for her reaction. “This little dimple you have here…is…is....” He touches the corner of her mouth.

He doesn’t wait long before he wraps his hand around the back of her neck and pulls her to him. His mouth is on hers before she can protest.

“Please don’t leave me,” he whispers between each kiss.

“I don’t know what to do. I can’t…think.” Trembling hard now, she’s trying to speak between each shivering gasp.

“No. No thinking. There’s too much of that here,” he says just before the intensity of his kiss increases. “No more talking.”

He can feel her trembling and pulls her closer.
You’re safe. I’m here.

His hand finds her panties and he exhales as he trails a soft finger over the warmth of her bare skin underneath them, gently caressing and soothing her. Her hips betray her and start moving along with his rhythm. She feels him smile and she freezes.

Is he laughing at me? Oh god, not again. He’s laughing at me. I’m such a fool. I am nothing.

No.

No. Fuck you. I’m not nothing. I’ve never been nothing. Fuck you, Jesse Anders!

“Enough.” She takes a sharp inhale and rips his hands away from her quickly, ending the childish make-out session.

“No. God, I’m such an idiot. You’re not doing this to me again, Jess. Did Jake
dare
you to do this?” Shaking her head, she closes her eyes. “I’m done. You can’t keep doing this to me.” The last sentence trips out of her mouth along with a suppressed sob. She quickly opens the car door, slides in, locks the doors, and ignores his pleas and pounds on the glass.

She doesn’t want to look in her rearview mirror – she doesn’t know what she’ll see. Is he laughing? Did she accidentally run him over in her haste to get out? Has anyone been watching? She tries so hard to resist the urge to look back, but fails.

Jesse is sitting on the sidewalk outside his house with his head between his legs and his hands raking through his hair.

Shit.

As soon as she gets out of his neighborhood, she pulls over. Getting out of the car, she paces with her hand over her mouth. Back and forth for several minutes, trying to calm herself down. She is on fire with passion and completely furious.

Her h
eart rate returns to normal as she sits on the trunk of her car and lights a cigarette.

She sits
for over an hour until the sun comes up, replaying the night in her head and crying. Remembering the warmth, the feel of him against her. His scent, his chest. The pained look in his eyes when he pleaded with her to stay.

Exhaling a
drag of her last cigarette, she scrapes herself off the trunk and gets in the car. She drives off not caring which direction she’s going.

Finding a gas station to get another pack of cigarettes, she looks at herself in her rearview mirror and sees the hot mess that she is. Attempting to clean up her mascara and eyeliner by wetting her fingers and smoothing the skin under her eyes, she realizes nothing is really going to work. But at least she has a bandana in her glove compartment she can use to pull back her hair.

She purchases a pack of cigarettes, candy bar and a very large cup of coffee. She thinks there’s no point in sleeping that day before her shift, because—

Shit! My shift! He’ll be there!
She panics.

She has two hours to figure out what she is going to say to him at work that morning. Oh no, it’s Wednesday! Parm and pepp morning, too!
Fan-fucking-tastic
.

“Sick! I’ll call in sick.”

Two days later, Charlie’s phone rings and the caller ID shows Jesse’s number.

Do I answer this?

Yes.

No.

All right. Here goes nothing…

“Hello?” she says quickly.

“Hey.” His voice is soft.

“What can I do for you, Jesse?”

“You can talk to me.”

“About what?” She is going to make him say it.

“You know what.”

“I’m tired, Jess. Tired of how much effort it takes to be friends with you. Tired of how much it takes to want you. I’m sick of the torture of your highs and lows. You make me feel so inadequate one second, and then you treat me like I’m the only woman in the world the next. You are so wonderful and so horrible at the same time--”

“Wait, Charlie. Let me explain--”

“No. No more explanations. No more apologies. Because then I’m going to go back to adoring you, spending every minute thinking about you, wondering when you’ll touch me and fearing what you’ll say when you do.” She shakes her head. “Did you know that I listen to that damn CD you gave me three times a day? Every time I exercise. You are the reason I’ve lost every pound. Yes, you. I thought if I lost it…” She pauses. “No matter what I do, you’ll never want
just
me. I’ll never be enough. I’ll never be the one who makes you want to be a better person. I’ll never have the right words. I’ll never be beautiful enough. I’ll never be as smart as you. I will continue to be a lost little puppy who follows you around forever, but who you’ll never respect, never fully love, and never give the kind of attention I deserve. After a year, I still can’t trust you. I can’t trust you with my mind, my body, my insecurities, any of it. Every time I think I’m getting close, you catapult me to the other side of the fucking Earth! I’ve let you get so close, and every time you crush me to oblivion.”

Jesse swallows and breathes heavily on the other end of the phone. He says nothing.

“So that’s it. That’s all I have to say. Can you now understand why I can’t be your friend? Why I can’t be near you? Why I can’t endure another day with you?” She waits for his response.

What can he say? If she truly feels this way, there is nothing more he
can
do.

“But I still want you. I want you in my life,” Jess says.

“Then maybe you should think about me the next time you decide to make a friend. You’ve messed with my head; I don’t know who you are, if you care, when you’re serious, and whether or not I should even know you anymore.”

“What do you want me to do?” He doesn’t want her to hang up. It will surely be over.

“Remember me.” With those two last words, she lets out a sigh and hangs up her phone.

The next time she sees him is six days later. Jesse has called Charlie’s phone twice, but hung up before the voicemail came. Work had been a nightmare the whole week. Bussers had called in sick, there was only one hostess on, and the Manager was stuck delivering food to tables.

Charlie was called in to hostess tonight, and she’s waiting for the last table to leave as she finishes up her side work.

“Hey Charlie. Can I talk to you a second?” Jesse speaks softly, but has a very businesslike tone to his voice. Wearing a dress shirt and tie, he has hinds hands tucked behind his back and nods in the direction of the kitchen.

“Sure,” she says, rolling her eyes behind his back.

He brings her into the kitchen area, assuring staff won’t hear.

“Um, this is a bit unorthodox, Jess. Shouldn’t you have me where people can see us? You may get accused of fraternizing,” she says sarcastically. “Ehm, manager, sir.”

“Funny,” he says, showing no amusement on his face.

“I thought it was,” she mumbles.

A smile escapes the corner of his mouth. He goes to speak, but puzzled, he searches for the right words.

“Speak up, Jess, or let me get back to my job.”

“Tell your dad that I can pay him back with my next paycheck. And you’ve been cut already. Don’t try to fool me, Miss Sassy-pants. I’m keeping my eye on you.”

“Obviously! Did you double your dosage this morning, Jess?” She smiles nervously, concerned whether or not he has a sense of humor about it.

“Come over tonight,” he says abruptly.

Charlie looks at him, bewildered.

Jesse smirks and bites at the inside of his lip.

Oh, come on Jess!

He takes a step back to admire her body – her breasts, her curves, and seems to take a little too long staring at her skirt.

All of this is so silly. After all this time? Really?
She shakes her head and dismisses any thoughts he may have about having sex with her. She really needs to abandon those hopes as an entire year of obsession hasn’t yet escaped her reflexes. She walks back out into the dining room and sees that the last table has left.

She didn’t bring a change of clothes for after her shift since she planned on going straight home, so she is stuck wearing a baby blue button-down chenille sweater and light blue and white checked pencil skirt that stops just above her knee.

She quickly checks her face in the mirror, puts on a fresh coat of lipstick, and shrugs at herself. “Good enough,” she says to her reflection and leaves the restroom.

As she walks out, Jesse is sitting on the bench in the lobby. She pauses when she sees him speaking with Tricia but looks away quickly as to not interfere with his conquests. His eye catches Charlie’s as she walks into the lobby and suddenly she’s in slow motion. He no longer cares what he and Tricia are discussing; in fact, he can’t even remember. He watches Charlie’s profile, her pink cheeks and her perfect, sweet lips that she licked just as she passed him. He watches her flip her hair from the front of her shoulder to the back, revealing her newly thinned clavicles.
Why haven’t I noticed how long her hair has gotten? 
Her tan legs and long stride are accentuated by her heels and the high slit up the back of her skirt.
When did she get a perfect ass? 
He rises from his seat and follows her into the bar, leaving Tricia in mid-sentence.