Quid Pro Quo (13 page)

I'd find out soon enough.

The plan was that I'd scout out the property, and Kendall would stay put and stand guard. It was a pretty good place for a lookout: he was hidden, but he could still see just about everything except the waterside of the buildings.

If he heard someone coming down the driveway, he was supposed to warn me on his walkie-talkie. If I found something, I was supposed to call him on mine. He'd either run back to the gas station we passed along the way and call for help, or, in the case of a bear attack, try to lure Winnie the (killer) Pooh away with the Oreo cookies.

I got out my walkie-talkie and turned it on. I reached in my other pocket for Kendall's walkie-talkie, and I could not believe it.

It wasn't there.

It wasn't in my other pockets.

It wasn't in the woods or on the road. I felt like screaming, though under the circumstances I realized that would be a pretty dumb thing to do. Instead, I quietly slammed my head against a tree a couple of times.

Kendall got me by the shoulders and said, hey, it wasn't that big a deal. He could still stand guard. If he saw someone coming, he'd just pretend he was lost in the woods and ask them to take him back to the gas station. That would give me a chance to get out of there before they showed up again.

Fine. Good enough.

I waited for a while, and I guess Kendall thought I was scared (Gee, where would he get that impression?), because he said that he'd go instead if I liked. I said no, that I wanted to do it. Andy was my mother, after all, and I'd rather take my chances with Bob at the yacht club than the bears in the woods (I kept that last part to myself).

I snuck out from behind the trees, bolted over to the side of the canteen and pinned my back against the wall. I was shaking and gasping and worried I was going to wet my pants, but I knew Kendall was watching me so I had to keep going. I crept out and began to look around the canteen. I couldn't see in the windows— they were all boarded up—so I knocked on the door and whispered, “Andy! Andy! Are you there?”

She wasn't, or, at least, she was in no condition to answer.

I did this ridiculous high-speed tiptoe thing over to the main building. I was trying not to make the gravel crunch, but it didn't work. I did, however, manage to do a reasonably accurate impression of a fairy princess. (I don't know how Kendall kept from cracking up.)

I could see into what must have been the kitchen, but the other windows on the main building were boarded up. The back door was padlocked, but I gave it a rattle anyway. It wasn't going anywhere. I shuffled along the verandah with my back to the wall, just like they do in movies, and edged along to the left side of the building.

I turned and looked back at Kendall. I motioned that I was going to check around the front side of the building. He gave me a thumbs-up. I nodded and disappeared around the corner.

I didn't even have time to scream.

chapter
thirty-seven
Kidnapping

The unlawful act of capturing
and holding a person against his or her will

O
ne hand got me from behind and covered my mouth.

The other hand had me by the back of my pants and was lifting me off the ground. That's when I realized what an idiot I was for not bringing some protection. Anything.

A baseball bat.

A laser gun.

A really bad case of armpit fungus.

Even a jock strap would have helped right then. Believe me. The guy was giving me the ultimate power wedgie.

I couldn't get any sound out, but I was kicking and swinging my arms as hard as I could. Lot of good it did me.

Underneath those fancy suits of his, Bob Chisling was still just a big beefy bartender. I guess he was used to throwing two-hundred-pound drunks out onto the street. A ninety-pound kid must have been like a minor rodent problem to him.

He didn't say anything until he'd dragged me inside the yacht club.

“Listen, Bud, I told you once before: Construction sites are dangerous.”

I took both my hands and got his index finger bent down enough to say, “What did you do with my mother?”

“Your mother?!?” He was obviously surprised for a second. Then he squinted at me like he'd just figured something out. It must have been the reddish hair and freckles. He started dragging me again.

We got to the men's washroom and he put me in a headlock while he rooted in his pockets for the key. I don't know exactly what I was thinking right then, but I can tell you it wasn't good.

He opened the door and threw me in.

I was so worried about slamming headfirst into the urinal that I didn't notice who was there.

Then Andy went, “Listen, you
beeping beep
, when are you going to grow up and …” She stopped when she realized it was me sliding across the floor and started screaming and kissing me and crying.

I didn't hear the door lock again, but it must have. Byron was helping us both up, and Consuela was trying to give Andy some toilet paper to wipe her face, but she kept pushing them both away. Normally, I would have pushed her away too. I'm a little old for public displays of affection. But right then I didn't care. I was just so glad to see Andy alive and still swearing at people.

We were both trying to get the blubbering under control when the door opened again, and Kendall bounced off a stall and hit the floor. Chisling was in the doorway, pointing a gun at us with one hand and wiping hostage dust off his pants with the other.

“All right!” he said in this kind of crazy man growl. “What do you want for lunch?”

Gee … lunch! That was a nice surprise.

Andy got up off the floor, and I could tell right away she wasn't going to offer to help with the sandwiches.

“Better order the Party Pack,” she said. “We've got quite a crowd here.” She smiled at me and said in her sweetest voice, “Wasn't the big
beeping beep-beep
nice to organize this little family reunion for us?”

I went “Andy …” but there was no way she'd stop. She was like a Doberman in attack mode, and none of us was brave enough to try strapping a muzzle on her. She turned on Chisling again.

“Oh, you're a regular
beeping
he-man, aren't you? Not only did you manage to overpower a runty undernourished cleaning lady, a two-pack-a-day smoker and a one-armed beanpole—you also managed to bag two infants! Wow! Really impressive! I mean, look at this fine specimen you dragged in!”

I couldn't believe it. My own mother was publicly mocking my physique. She yanked up my T-shirt and ran her fingers up and down my ribs like she was playing some primitive bony instrument. She put on this phony Southern accent and went, “Oh, you big strong man, you! How'd you evah rassle this ferocious beast to the ground? I git shivers just a-thinkin' 'bout it!”

Chisling's left eyelid twitched, and I could tell he was getting agitated. I pulled my T-shirt down and whispered, “Quit it, Andy!”

Andy glared at me as if I was on Chisling's side. I should have known better. Like she was going to listen to reason? This was just the excuse she needed to take off on a major rant.

“No, don't you tell me to quit it! I mean it! I'm tired of this guy lording it over us. We're all pretending he's some big
beeping
deal just because he's got a gun. Well,
beep
that. He's a wuss. He's pathetic, trying to bribe us with burgers! To get us to pretend that none of this happened! Oh, yeah, Bob, just a few more days together, and I'm sure we'll come up with a set of facts that we can all agree on. Ha
beeping
ha!”

She was practically nose to nose with Chisling by now, and I could tell he wasn't keen on her breath. “Well, I'd love to be able to say that we all just decided to take a week long holiday in the charming men's room of the Birchy Head Yacht Club—but that's not what happened, now is it, Mis-ter Chis-ling? You killed a man for a parking space. You
beeping
bullied Consuela into burning down that building for you. Then, when you found out we knew what you were up to, you … “A) tricked me into coming here, “B) kidnapped Consuela and “C) practically bashed the
beeping
brains out of Byron, threw him in the trunk of your car and dumped him out here too. That's our ‘mutually agreed-upon set of facts', and a thousand Big
beeping
Macs aren't going to change a word of it, right, guys?”

Everyone nodded.

“And if you don't like it, you may as well just blow our brains out right now! C'mon, Bob. Be a man! You got a gun. Use it!”

Everyone stopped nodding and started going “Andy! AN-DY43” Was she nuts? Suddenly we were all in this complete panic. If I'd had a sock handy, I would have stuffed it in that big mouth of hers.

She was screaming; Byron was trying to grab her; Consuela was going, “Please? Please?” because she didn't know what was happening; and Chisling was waving the gun at us. The cubicle walls were rattling and the sounds were bouncing off the ceiling, and I knew it wouldn't be long before something terrible happened.

I was right.

Chisling grabbed me by the neck and held the gun to my head.

That did it.

That shut everybody up. (Kendall kept his hand over Andy's mouth, just to be on the safe side. Or maybe just to keep her upright. She'd gone pretty pale all of a sudden.)

Chisling said, “Okay. I said, what … do you want … for lunch? Consuela? Que quieres para el almuerzo?”

“Taco Bell, por favor, Señor.”

“Está bien. Byron?”

“Large Greek salad, extra olives and a green tea.”

“Andy?”

Kendall turned his hand down just enough for her to answer.

“A large bacon cheeseburger and fries.”

“Kid with the bloody face?”

“Ah, same as her, I guess.”

“You?”

Having a gun to my head kind of killed my appetite.

“Nothing.”

Andy pried off Kendall's hand and went, “You're eating something.”I went, “I'm not hungry.”

She went, “You're eating something. Look how skinny you are.”

I said, “Would you leave me alone! I'm not hungry.”

Then Chisling got into it. “Do as your mother says. You're having something to eat.”

This was nuts. One of them's got a gun to my head, the other one's saying “C'mon, blow our brains out!” but they're both concerned about me meeting my daily nutritional requirements. Like that makes sense. Adults. At what point in the aging process, exactly, is it that the brain turns to mush?

“Okay. Okay,” I said. “I'll have a cheeseburger too.”

That seemed to make him happy. He threw me to the ground and left.

Andy screamed out after him, “And get me a super-size Coke too, you
beeping beep beep
.” She started banging on the door. “Did you hear me? Did you hear me, YOU
BEEPING
WUSS? I WANT A COKE44”

I heard Chisling make this grunting sound, and then these big crashing footsteps started coming toward us, and I thought, Oh, no. That's it. Andy has finally done it. He's going to kill us all.

Two seconds later, the door to the washroom flew open again, and Atula fell in.

chapter
thirty-eight
False imprisonment

The confinement of a person without just cause

A
tula ordered a chicken sub (extra mayo, tomatoes, hot peppers), and Chisling left again. After the introduc-tions and the kisses and hugs and apologies, we all started trying to figure out how everyone ended up in the men's room of a boarded-up yacht club.

We had quite a bit of time to put the pieces together. Andy said it always took Chisling at least an hour and a half to pick up the food. He didn't want anyone getting suspicious, so he'd drive right back into town and pick up everybody's meal at a different place. The guy had everything worked out, except what he was going to do with us.

Anyway, back to how we all got there.

You know about Kendall and me, so I'm not going to go into that again. It was a little more complicated for everybody else.

chapter
thirty-nine
Confession

An admission of guilt

Atula

I
blame myself. I am entirely to blame. I am very ashamed to admit it, but it's true. When Mr. Chisling called that day and said you had not shown up for his meeting, I accepted it as another example of your increasingly irresponsible behavior, Andy. I did not even consider the possibility that something might have happened to you. I was so angry I did not even bother to telephone and ask you for an explanation. I only thought of how your missing an appointment with “our friend” would negatively impact on the social standing of my law firm. Had I had the least bit of faith in you, I would have tried to reach you, I would have realized you were gone, I would have called the police—and Mr. Chisling would in all likelihood be behind bars today!…

“No, no, Andy. Don't be so quick to forgive me. My behavior was even worse than that. I fired you without even the decency to tell you myself, and then … and then this thing with the boys … They wouldn't be here if it were not for my ridiculous ego.

“I am sorry, but you are wrong, Cyril. I did not drive you here as a favor. I drove you here—again my apologies, Andy—because I no longer trusted your mother. I did not consider her lifelong devotion to you. I thought only of her few short weeks of erratic work habits and concluded that she was an inadequate parent. I took great pleasure, I assure you, in offering to solve your problem with the taxi drivers and take you myself. I thought, ‘What a marvelous person I am compared to that wretched Andy, who is no doubt sitting in front of the television set, smoking cigarettes all day, instead of looking after her only child.'

“I am very lucky you can laugh at these things, Andy, especially given our situation, but no, I do not have a cigarette I could give you now. In fact, the one good thing Mr. Chisling may have managed to do is force you to quit that disgusting habit … “Now, now! Enough of that language, Andy! You're causing me to forget where I was…Oh, yes. I picked up the boys at the mall, and after my initial thrill at being their knight in shining armor, I began to feel suspicious. What, I asked myself, was Cyril doing with such a large amount of cash? (He certainly did not earn it working at Varma and Associates.) Why did he so desperately need to go to Birchy Head? And who was this dangerous-looking character he had chosen to travel with? Again, I apologize. Kendall, you really are the most lovely young man, and I had no right to jump to such conclusions, regardless of how many teeth you may or may not have.