Razing Kayne (17 page)

Jess bristled. “I'm not sitting around getting a pedicure and eating bonbons.”  She
knew she was already on edge and should just keep quiet, but she didn't want him thinking
she dumped the kids off somewhere while she went shopping or got her nails done. “On
Mondays, I volunteer at Darcy's Kids, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I help out in
Ash and Maddy's classes, in that
order. The second Wednesday of the month is the school board meeting, but that's at
night, I'm the secretary. And the third Thursday of the month...You know what, I'll
give you a copy of my schedule.”

“You're going to have to, because you lost me back at Darcy's Kids. What is that?”

“Darcy used to work for the Parks and Rec department. She saw a need for an after
school program for kids that...well, are on the borderline of needing intervention.
For various reasons their parents struggle to provide the basics of life. The kids
come after school, and she gives
them
snacks and then dinner before they go home, and they all get breakfast and lunch
at school for free during the school year.”

Jess took a breath and slowly let it out before continuing. Darcy’s Kids was a cause
she was very passionate about
.
“She finds clothes for them, makes sure they all have jackets and good shoes and warm
clothes in the winter. They get medical and dental care when needed. She goes and
picks many of them up to take to church on Sunday. Helps their parents find services
to keep their power on, or a roof over their heads, running water, food, clothes etc.
She's a really awesome lady. I started working with her years ago, and while I know
I don't really have the time, I can't force myself to stop.”

Kayne leaned forward, his gaze intent. “And this is on top of running a business and
raising four kids? Exactly when do you sleep, Jessica?”

“Jess.
Only strangers call me Jessica.”

Kayne nodded.
“Fair enough.”

“To answer your question,
sleep's
overrated.” She shrugged. “And honestly, the business just pays for this place.”

“I don't understand.”

“I used the money I got from...
Jarred's wrongful death compensation…for upfront costs of building this place. But
now, the business pays me back with interest. And a big chunk goes to college funds
set up for all four of the kids. I don't do the event planning full time. I book less
than half of what I could. I'm not in it to get rich; I do it because I like it, and
I want my kids to have every opportunity I can give them. But I try really hard not
to sacrifice time with them.”

Kayne studied his empty bowl for a moment. “I'd like to sit down and go over finances.
I know I can't cover as much as I'd like to, but I want to contribute as much as possible.”

“I don't want your money, Kayne.” Jess stood and carried her bowl to the sink. “Weren't
you listening? I don't need it.” God, had he even heard a word she'd said?

He followed her and set his bowl into the sink with a loud clank. “I sure as hell
am not going to live here for free. I’m not one of your charities.” He leaned in close.
“I will at
least
cover Gracie's and my expenses.”

Jess nearly lost it right there. She turned to the kids. “Isabelle, will you take
Gracie upstairs and put your shoes on? We need to go to the store and get a birthday
present for the party tomorrow.”

“Okay!” Isabelle said excitedly.

“Gracie
pick
present, a'kay?” Gracie asked Isabelle.

“You can
help
pick out the presents, okay?” Isabelle said.

“A' Kay!”
Gracie bobbed her head enthusiastically and followed her sister out of the room.

***

Jess whirled to face Kayne the moment they were gone, her face fuming. “Get one thing
clear, here and now, Kayne Dobrescu. Children in this house will be treated equally,
regardless of how you feel about the rest of them. I grew up in a house where it was
unbalanced. You have no idea
what it feels like to realize you're not wanted, but just tolerated because someone
has no choice but to do so.”

Jess brushed the hair out of her face with a shaky hand. “I swore I'd never let that
happen in my house again.
Ever!
I know she's your daughter, and I can't stop you from walking out of here without
looking back after the ninety-days is up. But while you're here, you are
not
going to hurt the rest of my children any more than you will be when you try and
take Gracie away from them.”

“Whoa, wait, what are you talking about?” Kayne was taken aback by her anger and her
assumptions.

She threw him a disbelieving look. “I'm not an idiot, Kayne, and neither are you.
You know full well the only reason Judge Johnson forced us into this marriage was
because he realized he had to give Gracie to you and couldn't stand hurting me.

“I know you don't want this any more than I do, but I will do whatever it takes to
make you happy. Do anything you ask of me as your wife, and, when that's not enough,
I won't ask questions. I will look the other way and not say a word over your activities
outside this house, because I can't stand the thought of losing Gracie. The only thing
I'm asking of you in return… no, I'm
begging
you…Do not make me watch my children be raised the way I was.”

Jess stormed out without giving him a chance to respond, even if he could have formed
a coherent response.
Jesus Christ, what the fuck had Jarred done to her?
And the damn judge; he'd known her past, and he'd preyed on her fears to force her
hand.

God, they'd all walked away winners today, and yet at this moment, it felt like everyone
had lost.

Kayne took several deep breaths and slowly let them out, then did the only thing he
knew to do. He picked up the phone with a trembling hand and dialed a number he hadn't
called in almost two years.

“Kayne
.
Good to hear from you,” the familiar voice answered warmly.

“Hey, Pop.”

“Son, what's wrong?” Ben's voice came across loud and clear.

“I think I made a huge mistake.”

EIGHTEEN

By the time Jess reached the nursery, she’d managed to compose herself somewhat. She
changed Gracie and grabbed the diaper bag, then took the hidden stairs down to her
room.
Their room
.
Part of her felt better for having laid everything on the table, and part of her regretted
losing her temper.
But she'd meant what she said—she'd do whatever he asked of her, except when it came
to the treatment of the children. The kids had thankfully been too young to truly
notice the way Jarred had doted on Isabelle and ignored Ash and Maddy, but they'd
notice it now, because all of them had hero worship when it came to Kayne. He'd set
a precedence, and they'd expect him to continue interacting with them all the same.

When they reached the garage, Kayne was standing at the door, staring at the security
monitor. A frown wrinkled his brow.

Damn it!
She needed to give him access to the house. Jess ducked in front of him to access
the master file.
She found his profile and changed his status so that he appeared as a green “family”
dot instead of red “stranger” dot, and then gave him full rights to the house with
a code, so he could come and go at will.

“Pick a six digit code.”  She refused to look at him.

Kayne stepped up behind her, reached over her shoulder, and typed in a number. He
pressed “OK,” then did it again when
prompted.

Jess was fighting to stand still and not fidget. He was so close she could feel his
body heat seeping into her. Could smell his aftershave, a scent so subtle it reminded
her of the forest after a hard rain, when everything was fresh and new. One way or
the other, he was going to break her heart before this was over. Hell, he was already
doing it.

She had to clear her throat before she could speak. “You'll remember it?”

“How could I forget? It's somebody's birthday.” He looked down at Gracie.

“You know her real birthday,” Jess whispered. Why hadn't that occurred to her? Of
course he knew her real birthday, and God, she was going to cry in front of him. She
looked away, blinking furiously.

“How did they handle that?”
Kayne’s brows furrowed in confusion.

“I made an educated guess.”

He cocked his head curiously. “What did you guess?”

“I picked October fifteenth.” Jess shrugged.

He nodded slowly.
“Interesting choice.”

“Are you going to tell me what it is?” she asked when he didn't say any more.

“But then you'd know my pass code,” he said teasingly.

In no mood for his humor, Jess held on to her composure, barely. Of course he had
no idea how hard she'd deliberated over what birthday to use. It had taken her weeks
to settle on the
fifteenth. Jess merely nodded. “Come on, girls. We need to hurry if we want time to
look around at the toys.”

“I'd like to go along.” Kayne opened the door to the garage and held it for her.

No, no, no, no!
She frantically thought of a way to discourage him. “We're just going to Wal-Mart
for a little girl’s birthday gift.”

“I'd still like to come, if that's okay?” He reached down and took Gracie’s hand.

Jess nodded again. She would have preferred some time away from him, but couldn't
very well say so. Of course he wanted to be with Gracie, and Gracie wanted to be where
the action was.

Kayne settled himself behind the wheel. “Two minutes.”

Jess furrowed her brow in confusion. “Excuse me?”

Kayne shook his head.
“Elven-fifty-eight pm, October fourteenth.
I can't believe how close you were.”

Her heart twisted, thinking about that date. “I didn't listen.”

“What did you say?” He glanced her way then back to the road.

“You have no idea how many times I nearly used that day, felt compelled to, but I
just couldn't.”

“Why?”

Jess glanced back at the girls to confirm both had the headsets on and were watching
a movie on the DVD player. “For over a year, Jarred and I tried to get pregnant, and
finally it happened. He was so excited—we both were. We'd all but given up. In fact,
I hadn't even realized I was pregnant until I was nearly eight weeks along.”

She took a deep breath and slowly let it out before continuing quietly. “Everything
was going great, according to my doctor. I went in for my twenty-eight week visit,
and they did the ultrasound again. This time she was cooperative, and I found out
it was a little girl. I already had a name picked out. I wanted to start decorating
a nursery, but Jarred kept putting it off, so one weekend while he was away, I went
and bought the stuff to start painting. I was up on the ladder cutting in the edges
with a paint brush and fell. I thought I was okay. I thought I'd managed to defy the
odds, but two days later I gave birth.”  She paused. “She was stillborn.” 

Jarred had been nowhere to be found. He'd been “rock climbing” with buddies. Jess
had later learned he'd been with his current girlfriend. “Her birthday was October
fourteenth,” she added quietly.

***

Kayne wanted so badly to reach over and take Jessica’s hand, but now he didn't know
how to act around her. He’d known there had to have been a reason she and Jarred had
adopted, but he hadn’t known what.

“What was her name?”

“Amy Sarah. It means ‘Beloved Princess,’” Jessica whispered.

Kayne glanced over in time to see a single tear break free and trail down her cheek
when she closed her eyes.
Fuck, that
tore him up. He'd accused her of having no idea what it felt like to lose a child,
how wrong he had been.

Kayne searched for something to say. The best he could come up with was, “Oksana had
no interest in picking names for the kids. I didn't do a very good job—they have little
meaning.”

“A name means nothing to a child. All they care about is being loved and wanted.”

Something Kayne now knew to be a very important thing to Jessica.
Being wanted.
Cherished.

“Am I supposed to call her Tasha now?” Jessica leaned her head against the glass,
staring out her window.

“Why did you pick the name Grace?”

“Jarred had burns over most of his back and legs. His spinal cord had nearly been
severed by shrapnel from the car exploding. It had even nicked his heart in several
places. But he'd stuffed her in the front of his turnout jacket and curled up around
her, putting her between his body and the mountainside. She didn't have a scratch
on her.”

“There but for the Grace of God go
I
.” He managed to squeeze the words past the lump currently lodged in his throat. Jarred
had literally sacrificed himself.

“Yes,” Jess whispered.

“We’ll leave it as Grace. I wouldn’t take that from her, Jessica—
Jess
—or you. Besides, it's the only person she knows herself to be.”

“Thank you.” This time she actually met his gaze. And there was the kind, gentle countenance
that he'd first seen in her eyes shining back at him. His chest constricted, and he
had to look away. He couldn't risk allowing himself to get attached.

“What time do the kids get out of school?” Kayne needed to step away from the emotional
minefield they were traipsing through. Everything was too raw today.
For both of them.

Jess looked at her cell phone. “We have an hour and twenty minutes before I have to
pick them up.”

“Then we should get to shopping. There are lots of toys to look through.” Kayne scooped
Isabelle up and spun her around once, making her squeal with delight, before plopping
her into the cart.

“Me now, me now!”
Gracie bounced in Jess’s arms.

Kayne took her from Jess and tossed her in the air before securing her in the seat.
God, he finally had his daughter back; a daughter who now came with a mom and three
siblings who meant everything to her.

His father's words came back to him.
Son, you can do this. God has given you a precious gift, and
from everything you've said, this woman is special
. You once had a dream, of a loving wife to stand beside you and give you a houseful
of children. Don't let the past rob you of that dream.
Kayne wasn't sure if his Pop had been speaking as a father or like the pastor he
was. Either way, Kayne wasn't ready to agree. From where he stood, it felt more like
the beginning of a nightmare.

***

Kayne turned out to be as much of a kid as Gracie and Isabelle. They had to test drive
and play with everything they could get their hands on.
All three of them.
Jess felt reassured seeing him interact with both girls and not just focusing on
Gracie.

“Can you guys behave yourselves while I walk over to the kids clothing section?” Why
she was even bothering to ask was beyond her. She'd been fighting hard not to laugh
at Kayne for the last five minutes. He was sitting on a toddler size tricycle and
pushing it around with his feet—something Jarred would never have been caught doing,
especially in public—looking like the Grape Ape.

Kayne towered over her by more than a foot, and while she was pretty sure there wasn't
an ounce of fat on him, he was large in stature, wide in the shoulders, narrow in
the hips. He was wearing an Arizona Law Enforcement Association T-shirt that stretched
across his muscled chest and biceps, then loosened over what she was sure had to be
an incredible set of abs. That shirt disappeared into a well-worn pair of jeans which
hugged his body in all the right places, and left
little to the imagination, she was embarrassed to note. How he'd managed to fold himself
up enough to even sit on the trike was beyond her.

“Yes, we can behave.” Kayne looked up, a gleam of mischief in his eyes.

“I meant behave well.” Jess gave a dramatic sigh.

***

“Maybe we should go with you.” Kayne de-pretzeled himself and put the trike back on
the shelf before helping the girls put theirs away also.

They had already picked out two gifts for the birthday girl, and Kayne feared that
her true reason for wanting to leave the toy section was because he'd embarrassed
her. He knew he’d managed to do so with Oksana more times than he could count. She
hated that he’d horsed around with the kids in public. To her it was undignified.
To him it was simple fun; a way to interact and entertain his children.

Kayne leaned over Jess’s shoulder to watch her pick through a rack of little girls’
clothes. “So what are we doing over here?”  While her kids’ clothes weren't high end,
Gap, OshKosh, and Old Navy, they weren’t brands Wal-Mart carried either.

She glanced over her shoulder. “I'm getting a couple outfits for Casey.”

Kayne couldn’t resist leaning in a little closer and inhaling—almonds, vanilla, and
something uniquely her. “Who’s that?” 

Jess took a step away.
“The little girl who's having the birthday party tomorrow.
She's one of the children from Darcy's Kids.”

“Should we do something different than toys?” He gestured toward the tea set and the
princess dress-up box in the cart.

“Nope, one of those will be from
Isabelle,
and the other and whatever else I pick out here, will go into bags for other names
to be put on the card. A lot of the kids coming can't afford gifts, and we make it
very clear that they are not expected. We don't want anyone to not show up because
they couldn't afford to bring a gift.”

Kayne picked up Gracie’s stuffed lion. It had become a game. She’d accidentally drop
it, and he’d retrieve it. “How many kids go to this place?”

“She can only take fifty kids at a time, from age two to fifteen. It's free care.
The older kids are usually on probation and doing community service with supervision.
They have chores like helping the younger ones with their homework and helping keep
the place clean and functioning. There's always a waiting list.”

“So she just decided one day to do this?” He couldn’t keep the skepticism out of his
voice.

Jess paused, and her face scrunched up in thought.
“Sort of.
Darcy was driving home one night and found this little girl, maybe three-years-old,
wandering down the street. Through that incident, she realized a dire need existed
in the community, and it snowballed from there.”

Kayne held out his hands for the clothes she had draped over her arm. “Why don't you
let 'Sabella and Gracie go with you when you are over there?”

She handed over the clothes. “Most of the stuff I do is behind the scenes, while the
kids are still in school. I stop by with them from time to time, which is how they
know Casey, but if they’re there, that means there are two children who can't be—who
need to be—to stay in compliance. The state is very strict with that fifty child limit.”

***