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Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 2:40 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

well, it's good that you recognize this habit. I read his e-mail and think: he's like a puppy you locked in the bathroom for peeing on the floor and he clearly has NO IDEA what he did or didn't do. And now he's whimpering to be let out.

In the words of the Baha Men*: Let the dogs out. Be the one to let the dogs out.

xo Em

*(Yes, i had to Wikipedia this.)

 

 

 

Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it's hard to keep track.

Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated reply.

Honestly, I had a great time the other night and I really enjoyed meeting your friends (Jess especially), but I was a little bit taken aback when I ran out of work early, showed up at the restaurant looking for one human and found a small tribe of them. It's honestly not a huge deal but at some point your friend Jess was like “Are you coming with us to the show?” and in my brain I was all, “Well all of you guys came on my date so I guess so”. . . . Anyway, sorry to kiss and run Cinderella-style, but I had a 9 AM marketing meeting I couldn't miss. Hope it's not weird that I'm typing all this and so early on. It's not indicative of me being “no longer into this.” What you see in the previous—wait, let me count—five lines is exactly how much it irked me.

I would love to hang out soon with a little less Group Date (“The Bachelor”) and a little more One on One (“The Bachelor”).

—mw

 

 

 

--------Forwarded Message-------

Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it's hard to keep track.

Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated . . .

 

Subject: [Fwd: Re: Oh, Hello.]

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 5:22 PM

To: David Meyer

Well, look who's back. And evidently mad at me.

 

Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Oh, Hello.]

From: David Meyer

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 5:48 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

“What you see in the previous—wait, let me count—five lines is exactly how much it irked me.”

She's not mad. She's irked! (Kind of justifiably, too.)

I mean, you have been saying that you're looking for someone who is gonna call you on your shit . . . though there's a huge difference between what you “say” you're looking for and what you “are” looking for.

Basically I could see you guys either getting married or hating each other in 6 months. Kind of a toss-up!

 

 

 

--------Forwarded Message-------

Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it's hard to keep track.

Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated . . .

 

Subject: me = asshole?

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 9:42 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Oh crap. I haven't heard back from him yet. Was this bad? Did I just back him into an “us” talk?

 

Subject: Re: me = asshole?

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 10:15 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Listen, if this is what scares him away, he was meant to be scared. I think it's good that you were honest with him but I think it would have been even better if you were honest
at the time
. Not because honesty is so great but because it would have just taken up less emotional space than this. You could have just pulled him aside when you were walking to the show and been like, “Looks like we have company, huh?”

Because like I said: puppy didn't know what he was doing . . . Bedtime. xo Em

 

 

 

Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 11:00 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

There you are! I was worried sick!

Well, I'm glad the reason for your belated response wasn't a Text Monster, but me being an idiot.

Totally my bad on the group dinner front—definitely didn't mean for you to read into it. For the record, those guys all really liked you. Especially Jess. And she literally hates everyone. I'm still not even sure she likes me.

Anyway, again. Sorry. And yes—a “Bachelor”-style one-on-one date would be great. Might be hard to rent a helicopter that'll take us to a remote Swiss chalet on such short notice, but I can take you to a movie . . .

Chris Harrison will be conducting a postmortem, though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: (no subject)

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 10:52 AM

To: Madeline Whittaker

So, uh, sorry again about the Great Movie Fiasco of '14. Next time I invite you to see “Annie Hall” at the Angelika, I promise I'll buy tickets beforehand. (I still can't believe it was sold out. I kind of figured everyone in New York had seen it by now) . . . I will say, though, that yesterday's walk-out of consolation prize “Big Daddy 2: Bigger Daddy” marks the fourth time I've ever bailed on a movie I've paid money to see, “Encino Man,” “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps,” and “Love and Other Drugs” being the other three. And to walk out of a movie where Anne Hathaway's naked the whole time, well, that says something . . .

 

Subject: Re: (no subject)

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 11:46 AM

To: Elliot Rowe

You walked out of “Encino Man”? What were you, 12? Where did you go? Actually, don't answer that. I like the image of you furiously riding away from the theater on your bike, grinding your teeth against your retainer. It's kind of cute. Tell me . . . do you still possess said retainer?

 

Subject: Re: (no subject)

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 5:45 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Sorry—phone died when I was out. You know how it goes. Why do iPhones suddenly go from 11% battery to dead? What happened to that 11%? These are the things that keep me up at night.

Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow? I'm off and I was planning on spending it getting stoned and seeing if “Encino Man” is as bad as I remember. Care to join? Lemme know and I'll see if I can find the retainer.

 

Subject: Re: (no subject)

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 7:48 PM

To: Elliot Rowe

I do know how it goes. My friend Emily dropped her phone in a public toilet once. I was brought in as a witness when the guy she was seeing didn't believe THAT was the reason for her lack of communication.

Yeah, that sounds cool! Just don't get handsy. I mean: do? I mean: you find your retainer and if you're VERY lucky I'll find my sexy Snow White costume. I drowned in that thing when I was 15. I'm sure I'd look like a milkmaid in it now . . .