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Emily, it was like i was speed dating or at some coworker's birthday that I never signed up for. Everyone asking, “How do you know Elliot?” and then having to explain, to some chef he's known forever, the same answer: “Um . . . he picked me up at a party a couple of weeks ago and now is pawning me off on you?” I'm sure I wasn't very nice since I honestly didn't expect to meet anyone new. But I tried to roll with it. At one point Elliot got up to go to the bathroom and squeezed my shoulders and then SAT BACK DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE. I kept checking my phone thinking there was a “sorry, long story” text waiting for me. Nada.

Then, finally, everyone starts to motivate to leave and Elliot is like, hey, are you coming with us to the show? What? Huh? Whatever: band.

So I said “Sure.” Walking over I kind of got stuck talking to a girl and two of his guy friends, laughing at jokes I didn't get about people I had never heard of . . .

Yeah. I lasted about 5 minutes at the show and then it occurred to me, you know what, Madeline? If this isn't even a DATE, there's nothing rude about me faking a work emergency and getting out of here. Not that we're bf/gf, but if Elliot doesn't have to—or even want to :(—make me a priority, I can fake a recipe emergency.

I'm peeved. I don't even know why. I feel like if I was a more chill human I wouldn't even be mad? or would I be?

Madeline x

 

Subject: Re: polygamy hits the Northeast

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 11:52 AM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Oh. My. Lord. One day (not today, mind you), you'll look back on this and lauuugh and lauuugh.

Sounds like something got sacrificed last night and it wasn't a pig . . . it was Elliot's chances with you. We knew he was a flightypants from day 1 though, right?

Can't believe he hasn't called. Please hold, calling u as soon as I get my students to the lunchroom. x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Oh, Hello.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:02 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Hey Madeline,

Remember me? It's Elliot. We met at a restaurant, went out, made out a couple times. Not that anyone's counting.

Anyway. Not sure if you got my text (well, let's be real: has anyone in human history ever “not” actually gotten the text? As much as I'd like to think that some yet-biologically-unclassified Text Monster came in and ate my message before you read it, I'm pretty sure that's not the case), but in case you didn't, just wanted to say I'd love to hang out again. I thought last week was pretty great, so I guess I'm a little confused by your radio silence?

Obviously, if you didn't have fun/you're no longer into this/you met the man of your dreams and are getting married in Tahiti next weekend, that's cool too.

Actually, if you did meet the man of your dreams, just make up something more palatable. Like, you decided you're into chicks now. Can't argue with that.

—Elliot

 

 

 

---------- Forwarded Message -------

Subject: Oh, Hello.

From: Elliot Rowe

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:02 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

Hey Madeline,

Remember me? It's Elliot. We met at a restaurant, went out, made . . .

 

Subject: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:06 PM

To: Emily Roberts

agg. now i feel bad. I mean, yes, i wanted more than a text and this is what i got. but i slightly resent the idea that
I'm
the one who got this awkward train rolling . . .

But very psyched to hear from him.

 

Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

From: Emily Roberts

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:14 PM

To: Madeline Whittaker

awww. we like him again. I think you just want men to be smarter than they are, in which case yeah, he has a point: you should date women.

 

Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

From: Madeline Whittaker

Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:30 PM

To: Emily Roberts

Ha. I tried that for a day in college. But yeah . . . okay, i think i need to be more chill and less stringent and expand my horizons. Maybe i can start by not actively waiting for guys to disappoint me . . .