Real Ultimate Power (13 page)

Everything may be going pretty sweet when hanging out with a ninja, but if you screw it up at the end by saying something completely stupid, it's over. Ninjas remember the last few moments the best—so they've got to count, hard. After you both get tired playing or watching TV, walk the ninja to the door and
talk about something sweet that happened during the visit
so he can think about it on the ride home and really understand how cool it is to be with you. And don't get all sad and beg him to stay longer. He might start thinking that you're desperate. Only after he's left the driveway, can you close the door and fall back against it, and rock back and forth, thinking about all the stuff you guys did, wishing, hoping, praying that it will all happen again. And if you did all the crap I just told you, it probably will.

—Ancient Chinese Proverb

Y
ou might be asking yourself, “Good evening, how is this ancient Chinese or Japanese tradition or whatever going to help me, a modern person with guns and television?” Well, you know what? This stuff has lasted 2,500 years because IT'S AWESOME, THAT'S WHY! And frankly, whether or not you think ninjas are sweet doesn't matter. What matters is that they could beat your ass. And if that doesn't make sense to you, nothing will.

Nevertheless, after seeing a bunch of ninja and kung fu movies, a lot of people think that they'll get magical powers if they become a ninja. Well, you know what, they're right. There have been news reports of kids flying around cities, kicking soccer balls into space, and ripping off their dad's spanking arm. All because they decided to become ninjas. BUT making the decision to be a ninja can be a super hard one. Your friends and relatives may tell you that you should be a mailman or a doctor. They might say that you're not good enough, or even that you're too fat or uptight. But if you want to be a ninja, I mean really, really want to be one, then you have to do it. You just have to, no matter what. But you also have to know for sure. So you should learn about other types of jobs to see what you're missing.

In the olden days, there was this sweet king that had mounds of gold and babes. But then these pirates decide to steal the mounds and surround the castle and everybody freaks, except the king, who is like, “Chill homies, I'll handle this crap.”

 

The pirates stand outside the castle walls and are like, “You think you are so cool, but guess what, you're not. Good luck dying!” Then the king replies, “Yeah, right. How would you like to meet my best friends?”

 

Then, out of nowhere, there is a small sound of a guitar wailing really, really hard behind the hills. The wailing starts getting louder and louder and louder. Then, out of nowhere, there is this one sweet-ass ninja standing on top of a huge hill. Everybody is like, “Woooooooooooow!” He is wearing all black and he has this jet-red guitar in his hands. Then smoke smokes over the hills like trains. But the smoke is ninjas. And the pirates see about a billion ninjas with guitars standing on top this his huge hill. And they start to wail ...

 

When the ninjas wail on their guitars, the pirates spray diarrhea on each other and love it. And when they wail harder, the pirates spray harder. As the ninjas saunter down the hill, the pirates' chests and butts explode. (Basically, they're dead or about to die.) Then the ninjas finally reach the boss pirate who is
really
huge. Out of nowhere, the boss pirate pulls out this baby banjo and tries to fiddle with it like a little, retarded baby. The ninjas are like, “Yeah, right,” and all the billions of ninjas surround the boss pirate. Half of the ninjas all combine to form the biggest guitar in the universe. The other half form the second biggest boner in the universe. Then the huge guitar points right at the pirate, who is like “Holy CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!” Before the pirate could even do anything, the super boner slaps against the guitar, making the hugest wail ever to happen anywhere ever. The pirate explodes so hard that every single one of his kids he would have had explodes and all of his grandparents explode along with his neighbors and even people who he merely said “Hello” to.

Then there is a huge concert at the castle. All the babes in the castle morph into this humongous female crotch. The huge boner and crotch pork softly, while slamming into the guitar and wailing. And guess what, the king sits on top of this huge pile of gold and babes and laughs his frigg'n ass off about how stupid the pirates were.

 

 

The scene opens up with some soft annoying music to get the audience super pissed. The camera shows a bunch of pirates eating chicken buttholes. But, fortunately, a ninja sees everything and realizes what a bunch of
bullcrap
it is. So this one ninja walks up to them and is like, “Yo, what's your problem?” The camera zooms directly on a pirate's mouth, which states, “Get out of here now,” and chicken buttholes fall all over the silverware. Then the camera cuts to the ninja's mouth which says, “No,” but it looks cool. The audience then sees the ninja pull out a huge guitar and he starts to wail. But the pirates don't explode, they start to dance ... hard. And when they dance, the pirates look like a bunch of crabby moms. Everybody in the entire world craps their pants laughing at the pure stupidity of the pirates. But the ninja has A.D.D. and starts losing energy/power and the pirates start stopping dancing. (There will be some suspense filled violins and guitars playing so that the audience gets scared and/or scared-pumped.) In several motions, the pirates come toward the ninja. BUT, out of nowhere, this badass lake appears and a huge hippo busts out of it hard. Water sprays everywhere, including the pirates' shirts (which causes their boobs to just barely appear through the soft cloth). The pirates are like, “This can't be happening!” And the hippo says, “Guess what? ... IT is,” and slaps five with the ninja pretty hard. Then the ninja says, “Let's rock, brother.” And they both pull out expensive guitars and start wailing on them really, really hard. Since the ninja can't concentrate, the hippo thoughtfully guides his hand, because they are blood brothers till the end of space and time. Then the pirates all morph into this giant diaper and the hippo and ninja morph into a super poop-filled baby that takes the biggest frigg'n dump in the pirate/diaper. The pirates' scream turns into a crap-gargle (this will make audience laugh gregariously). The ninja's A.D.D. heals and the two buddies/brothers smoke cigarettes and get ice cream and pop, which they enjoy a lot.

 

 

There is this chubby, little tiny hippo who is hyperactive and has A.D.D., gappy teeth, and everybody thinks he's crazy but he really isn't. His name is Roberq and he doesn't have any friends because he gets too pumped sometimes. One day Roberq is just hanging around a lake (like usual) making up stories and goofing around, not hurting any other hippos and stuff. Then some pirate starts beating his ass bad, which royally sucks. Roberq tries to run away, but can't because the pirate calls a bunch of his buddies to help out. One pirate is in the shape of a dad; another pirate is in the shape of some friend who never wants to hang out 'cause you accidentally screwed up once; and the last pirate is in the shape of a stupid mom with three kids. Roberq's only this little tiny hippo and everybody is completely beating his ass and he didn't do anything. It's like these pirates don't even understand what it's like to be a hippo. But guess what, Roberq hears this trumpet in the background that sounds exactly like a guitar. (And the camera spams up to see about a trillion ninjas flying in the air like geese in guitar formation.) The pirates are like, “Nobody can stop us, because we're
adults
!” And out of nowhere, the pirates hear this little tiny voice that says, “Yeah, right.” It is the little tiny hippo! The pirates are surprised by the hippo's audacity, yet totally willing to continue beating his ass worse than before. And just when the pirates are about to begin again, they start to feel little poop droppings on their necks and shoulders. (They are ninja droppings with acid and poison.) The pirates start sizzling like tube steak. Then all the ninjas land and completely surround the pirates. One ninja steps forward and is like, “Maybe you should get a life, and by life I mean death.” (The pirates are completely speechless.) Then that ninja starts beating the pirates' asses bad—so bad that people in other dimensions start feeling sorry for them. When the ninja finishes, which was about a billion years later, the next ninja starts. All one-trillion ninjas beat the pirates' asses. So for one billion trillion years this goes on. And if you're ever alone in the forest and you listen closely, you can still hear the little tiny hippo saying, “Yeah, right.”