Real Ultimate Power (11 page)

Testimonial
1

Hello. I used to be a teacher. I would get up in the morning excited to go to school and teach my fifth grade class. Or at least that's what I let other people believe. What I really enjoyed doing was hurting the children. Sometimes, I would have the idiots read out loud in front of the whole class. Always, I would pick the dumbest ones. And as their classmates giggled and wiggled in their seats, about to pee, I would try to hold my laughter in too, but some kids sound so stupid that I'd be trying to hold it in, and then PLAP! snot would rocket out my nose. I wish I could go back and talk to my former self and say, “Hey, man, chill. That's not cool.” Then maybe a ninja wouldn't have decapitated me three times and tied my naked body to his expensive car and dragged it all around town where everybody, even the girls I liked, could see. Man, I am such an idiot! Why couldn't I just teach the kids like I was supposed to?

I was a bully during my life. I made people feel bad about themselves, because there was trouble at home and I didn't know how to tell anyone. Calling people names was O.K., I guess, but I really liked pushing people. I'd push people when they were eating, sleeping, or even right in front of their friends. Imagine some nerd just talking about math and getting his buddies all hot and bothered, and then WHAM! his chest would flop forward as his head would jerk back, causing every muscle in his body to look completely stupid. I thought that was “cool.” And when they'd be peeing, I'd push them so hard that their crotch would touch the back of the urinal. I just wanted to hurt people's feelings regardless of whether or not they deserved it. My life was wasted on wedgies and spitballs, and what do I have to show for it all? A gigantic diaper rash, that's what! A ninja put a diaper on me and sealed up the edges with electrical tape. When he wouldn't let me take it off till I counted to a billion, then I truly understood how awesome ninjas are. I should have treated people better.
I should have learned to love.

Our children were the worst thing to happen to us. My husband and I wanted a nice, quiet life with our small circle of friends, a weekend in Montreal, and a third car. But then, once you get everything all planned out, an accident happens, if you can even call it that. Do you know much it costs to raise a couple of kids nowadays? Plenty! When they came out, they were covered in filth, and not much has changed since. I'm sick of it. Ted got his tubes tied the day I told him. He suggested we abort and send them back to hell, but I figured they might entertain us. Well, you know what? They weren't entertaining. They weren't a joy. They were two more people eating our food, living in our home, using up ALL THE HOT WATER. We tried to get them to run away. We even offered them money to leave, but they just sat on the couch, watching TV, filling up on chips and candy. Ted and I even stopped acknowledging them near the end. We pretended that they didn't exist and kept the good food in a cooler in my car trunk and only condiments in the refrigerator. And, after awhile, things were starting to look up for Ted and me. We even started screwing again. But, much to our discontent, a ninja kicked us in the nuts, banged our heads together, and we both feel asleep. When Ted and I woke up, we found ourselves missing our hearts, both kidneys, stomachs, colons, teeth, and wallets. I can still picture the ninja, having stapled all the organs and wallets to his completely awesome
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uniform,
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spinning
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around,
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laughing.
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Dear Diary,

 

Hello. I am a hot babe. I had dinner with a ninja on Wednesday. The day started with a haircut, which a barber gave me. Then I put on perfume. After that, I tried on different dresses. The one with flowers is my favorite because my mother gave it to me. (She's dead.) Before I went over to the ninja's house, I watched TV and ate some snacks, which put me at peace. When I arrived at the ninja's hacienda, I noticed many expensive cars in the driveway. And the house was painted jet black and had gun turrets. Then, out of nowhere, the ninja opened the door and looked great. He was tall.

 

“Good evening, Madame,” he said.

 

I was like, “Wow.”

 

“Yo, do you want to come into my hacienda?”

 

“Hell, yeah!” I said. Then I got pumped. The house smelled awesome and there was some badass music playing. Money was just lying on the couch and nobody cared. Even the carpet was leather. To my surprise, the ninja prepared a dream dinner—it was spicy chili. And instead of plates, we used diapers, which is romantic, if you ask me. During dinner the ninja had amazing things to say about back flips and video games—I was flabbergasted. And when coins from my pocket fell between the couch, I didn't even care, because I was falling in love. Out of nowhere, we started making out, hard. Then I woke up in a ditch. It was great. I'll never forget it.

The camera opens slowly to reveal black smoke pretty much everywhere. And there is thunder. A single flute is pumping up the audience. Then, without a drop of preparation, the audience hears a nibbling sound. The smoke blows away to reveal a single mother breast-feeding three young boys in a badass living room. The television-audience now hears soothing music with pianos and more flutes, which will calm them. The mother is wearing an all black apron with holsters for kids. Basically she's a loner, with babies. Nobody messed with the single mom until one stupid day a killer popped a sprocket and went nuts. So the crazy killer taps on the single mother's living room door and says, “Hey, I'm going to kill you pretty soon.” And she says, “By pretty soon, you mean never.” But her impropriety majorly pisses off the killer. And then, out of nowhere, he opens the door. The single mom stands up, hard. And, with boys still suckling, she begins to spin on one hoof. (In slow motion, the killer's smile flips into a frown.) The boys' tiny limbs flop on the killer's face and smooshes his teeth into liquid. The killer falls backwards into a bunch of things. And flute sounds are literally out of control when the single mom smears pap all over the killer's mouth and face. But then, the audience hears a single flute wailing in the background to represent a bunch of single mothers.

 

 

I
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feel
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like
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a
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plum
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exploded
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in
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my
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pants.
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There's a laundry mat in a horrible part of time and space. It's completely empty except for the janitor, a lady, some guy, and some kid that nobody messed with, ever. This kid is awesome. He's doing push-ups while waiting for his laundry. But he stops and flips on his back to see who's walking through the door. An amazing single mother, wearing a crotchless skirt, enters the mat. The kid is like, “Hey, you. Need some help?” And the single mother is like, “Maybe.” Then they start frenching hard. Everybody tries to stop them because it's so beautiful. But, out of nowhere, the mother's children attack and screw up everything. The children are completely covered with serum, so they keep slipping out of everybody's hands. But the two people are in love and it doesn't matter. They run out of the laundry mat,
away from everyone.
Then the lovers jump on bare naked horses and ride through the forest to the top of a castle that's completely smothered with ponies and bubbles. The kid is like, “Are you ready?” And she's like, “Second base or third base?” And the kid is like, “Third.” So they start moaning hard, and the townspeople start yelling at the castle for them to stop, because they can't concentrate on their peasant work. So the couple keeps moaning in spite of the people, but then the peasants start yelling even louder! So the kid stops and goes out to the balcony and says he's almost done so they can wait. And all the townspeople decide to take a lunch break because it's that time anyway.

 

 

A really old mom covered with rabies trips on the sidewalk and knocks all her teeth out. Nobody will talk to her because of the smell. Plus, she was voted for having the ugliest boobs ever. While laying in a dumpster, a badass kid walks by. He has a full-blown mustache. The elderly mother stands up in the dumpster and says, “Excuse me, sir. What is your name?” And the kid says, “Go back to sleep.” But the lady is like, “I'm completely awake, and fuck you.” The kid says, “Whatever,” which arouses her. She wants him so bad. “Please sir, I have children ...” and three poop stained heads pop out from the garbage bin. But the kid starts to run, because he doesn't need that crap in his life, and the stupid loser/mom screams, “You can at least tell me your name!” And the kid replies, “They call me Mercedes.”

 

 

Francine made up the
ugliest boobs ever
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part.
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She's
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a
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genius.
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