Real Ultimate Power (20 page)
Read Real Ultimate Power Online
Authors: Robert Hamburger
N
INJA
M
AP
INJA
M
AP
Lava pit
This where the lava snakes and lava monkeys are. Most people don't know that, but it's nothing to really worry about because as long as you run through this part, you'll be fine.
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Ms. Evan's house
She never cuts her lawn, because of laziness. So the grass is long. This is a good spot for ninjas to hide and throw stuff into the street.
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Graveyard
This is where the graveyard is at. It's not a real graveyard though, because nobody died there, but this kid Mike fell asleep here and nobody could find him for a couple hours. And now it's full of ghosts.
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Crazy People Live Here
These people are crazy. They tried selling their house a while ago and they were talking to this lady and they were like, “Do you want it?” And the lady was like, “No,” because the walls were carpeted and there was chicken blood all over the place.
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Ninja Lookout
This is were ninjas can see who's coming in and out of the neighborhood. It doesn't belong to anybody, but there's a box of porno magazines up in that tree.
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Ninja Hideout
This is where a ninja clan lives. Mark said he saw a few sleeping there one night, but it was really late. He said that he was freaking out when he saw them laying there, under grass blankets. Dad said he hit a ninja late at night, and he had me go outside to show me the dent on his car, and he said that it proved ninjas were vulnerable and boring. He's a liar.
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Bathroom
Ninjas go to the bathroom here. Sometimes it's in large clumps and other times it's in small pellets.
G
LOSSARY
LOSSARY
Baby-sitter:
Someone who your mom pays to play with you. They're fun to hang out with, but they just leave you feeling empty at the end of the summer.
Someone who your mom pays to play with you. They're fun to hang out with, but they just leave you feeling empty at the end of the summer.
Boner:
When you look at Mom's magazines and can't look away.
When you look at Mom's magazines and can't look away.
Child psychiatrist:
Asshole.
Asshole.
Diaper:
Basically, they're pants for babies and artists.
Basically, they're pants for babies and artists.
Dogs:
What a mom should be, minus the fur.
What a mom should be, minus the fur.
Emotions/Sensitivity:
Something little diaper babies have.
Something little diaper babies have.
Expressing yourself:
Something you do if you can't get a real job.
Something you do if you can't get a real job.
Father:
An adult male that produces offspring for spanking purposes.
An adult male that produces offspring for spanking purposes.
Frenching:
Putting your tongue all the way inside someone's ear and leaving it there for over three seconds.
Putting your tongue all the way inside someone's ear and leaving it there for over three seconds.
Friendship:
Something that should last forever, but some people are idiots.
Something that should last forever, but some people are idiots.
Hippos:
The most underrated mammal to ever exist. Most people don't like them because they don't know them or they're just jealous.
The most underrated mammal to ever exist. Most people don't like them because they don't know them or they're just jealous.
Japan:
Asian country, island.
Asian country, island.
Ki:
An energy that happens when you think about the last time you were spanked. You can focus that energy into power.
An energy that happens when you think about the last time you were spanked. You can focus that energy into power.
Karate:
A fighting style that ninjas scoff at because it's strictly for retards.
A fighting style that ninjas scoff at because it's strictly for retards.
Kitana:
Ninja weapon.
Ninja weapon.
Mother:
Similar to a father, but owns a vagina.
Similar to a father, but owns a vagina.
Ninja:
A deadly assassin who has the power to do whatever he wants no matter what.
A deadly assassin who has the power to do whatever he wants no matter what.
Numchucks:
Ninja weapon.
Ninja weapon.
Pork:
When you pork a hot babe.
When you pork a hot babe.
Puberty:
Leaving your friends behind.
Leaving your friends behind.
Pubic hair:
Foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing.
Sai:
Ninja weapon.
Ninja weapon.
Seat belt:
A life saving device in cars. My friend Mark's dad says that we should always wear our seat belts. He worked as a car repair man for fifteen years and, believe me, he's picked out enough hair from broken windshields to know what he's talking about.
A life saving device in cars. My friend Mark's dad says that we should always wear our seat belts. He worked as a car repair man for fifteen years and, believe me, he's picked out enough hair from broken windshields to know what he's talking about.
Sensei:
Teaches the ninja how to be a ninja.
Teaches the ninja how to be a ninja.
Slam dunk:
When somebody jumps up and slams the ball right into the basket.
When somebody jumps up and slams the ball right into the basket.
Sleep-over:
When one buddy likes another buddy more than a classmate, but less than a husband, he'll propose to have the buddy sleep over for pizza and pop.
When one buddy likes another buddy more than a classmate, but less than a husband, he'll propose to have the buddy sleep over for pizza and pop.
Sperm:
White pee.
White pee.
Throw up:
What you have to clean up with
your towel
when Mom takes too many pills.
What you have to clean up with
your towel
when Mom takes too many pills.
Treason:
Saying you're gonna hang out, but never showing up.
Saying you're gonna hang out, but never showing up.
Vagina:
Where babies pop out and boners pop in.
Where babies pop out and boners pop in.
Women:
Vomitable, except the hot ones.
Vomitable, except the hot ones.
Ying and yang:
Ying represents total sweetness, hanging out, relaxing, and just plain coolness. And the Yang represents people who can't shut their mouth. The two fight against each other non-stop. An imbalance in your Ying Yang can cause illnesses like mumps, measles, or even chicken pox.
Ying represents total sweetness, hanging out, relaxing, and just plain coolness. And the Yang represents people who can't shut their mouth. The two fight against each other non-stop. An imbalance in your Ying Yang can cause illnesses like mumps, measles, or even chicken pox.
Zen:
Most people believe that Zen is becoming one with a hot babe or with yourself when your parents aren't home. Others believe Zen is like Nirvana, but without the sleeping bagsâif you know what I mean. I don't know what to believe. I guess it's just a really nice place.
Most people believe that Zen is becoming one with a hot babe or with yourself when your parents aren't home. Others believe Zen is like Nirvana, but without the sleeping bagsâif you know what I mean. I don't know what to believe. I guess it's just a really nice place.
Q
UIZ
UIZ
Since you finished reading my book about ninjas, you can now test your ninja knowledge. But, if you didn't read the book yet, you can test yourself to see if you need to. And if you only read half, you can see if need to read the other half. After taking the test, you can also see what belt you are. Good luck, amigos!
1.
Which is the sweetest?
Which is the sweetest?
A. Samurais
B. Ninjas
C. Aliens
D. Pirates
2.
What would a ninja want to do most?
What would a ninja want to do most?
A. Eat a bowl of soup out of an exploded skull
B. Strangle somebody with pajama pants
C. Kill somebody right when they get off death row after being proven innocent
D. Bite somebody's finger just as they bite into a hot dog, applying the same amount of pressure as victim uses on the hot dog
3.
Where do most ninjas hang out?
Where do most ninjas hang out?
A. Friend's house
B. Forest
C. Dojos
D. City
4.
What is a ninja's favorite meal?
What is a ninja's favorite meal?
A. Breakfast
B. Lunch
C. Beating somebody's ass HARD, because they can't shut their mouth
D. Dinner
5.
How do ninjas eat?
How do ninjas eat?
A. With their hands
B. With someone else's hand
C. With pizzazz
D. With a buddy
6.
If someone bumps into a ninja on the street, a ninja will
probably
If someone bumps into a ninja on the street, a ninja will
probably
A. Say he's sorry, because it's not worth getting into a big fight over such a silly thing.
B. Smile and excuse himself, because it might have been his faultâwho knows?
C. Use this as a chance to introduce himself, because we're all in this together and any opportunity to exchange human warmth is truly worthwhile in such a cruel and lonely world.
D. Fill the guy's mouth full of ninja stars, because he probably bumps into people all day and laughs about it at home cause he's a frigg'n asshole.
7.
Which epitaph is a real ninja epitaph? (Epitaphs are the things written on grave stones.)
Which epitaph is a real ninja epitaph? (Epitaphs are the things written on grave stones.)
A. Yo, whoever did this is frigg'n dead.
B. THIS IS BULLCRAP!
C. I'd like to give a shout out to my homeboys, Tyrone, Jesse, Ice-Caream, Shauntell, and Crazy Nutz. PEACE.
D. I came. I saw. I crapped my pants.
8.
A ninja is playing at a friend's house when the friend goes to the bathroom and leaves the ninja alone with a room full of toys. Does the ninja . . .
A ninja is playing at a friend's house when the friend goes to the bathroom and leaves the ninja alone with a room full of toys. Does the ninja . . .
A. Continue to play quietly till the buddy comes back and doesn't ask any questions about their poop?
B. Go bang on the bathroom door, screaming for them to hurry up, âcause sometimes a bunch of toys doesn't make the emptiness go away?
C. Just leave, 'cause his buddy should have waited to go till they were completely finished playing 'cause that's what people do?
D. Sprinkle pubes on his pillow case?
9.
What does a ninja do if he's playing a board game with someone and he starts losing the game?
What does a ninja do if he's playing a board game with someone and he starts losing the game?
A. Calmly flip the game over so the pieces spray everywhere and start saying what a bunch of bullcrap the whole thing is
B. Politely excuse himself to take a dump and then escape through the bathroom window so he never actually loses the game
C. Start kicking his feet
nonstop
and screaming
nonstop
and screaming
D. Spit up all over his chest
10.
What would a ninja do if somebody asked him what time it was?
What would a ninja do if somebody asked him what time it was?
A. Peacefully look at his watch and say the time nicely and calmly
B. Pretend that he didn't hear the guy, but if he asks again, the ninja would start running
C. Smile and start talking about the history of clocks and bedtimes and stuff
D. Pull up his sleeve, revealing his badass watch and when the guy bends over to look, the ninja would snap his wrist upward and crumple the guy's nose, and then run
11.
What is the most precious quality a ninja wants in a friend?
What is the most precious quality a ninja wants in a friend?
A. Be there to get a mom for help when his kneecap pops off
B. Always tell the truth, even if it hurts, but at least he'll know
C. Listen to him, or at least pretend to, and then ask follow-up questions
D. Be a hippo
12.
What would a ninja do with a hot babe?
What would a ninja do with a hot babe?
A. Stay up all night with her and make a list of all the qualities she would want in a future husband
B. Cut out pictures in magazines of dream houses with her and make a huge collage
C. Become vulnerable to her by revealing his deepest darkest secrets and
actively
listening to her and connecting with her emotionally
and spiritually
actively
listening to her and connecting with her emotionally
and spiritually
D. Pork
Now, every correct answer counts for one point, even the hard ones. Add your score together to figure out what belt you are!
The Nine Belts of Power
| Score 0â1 | ||
| White Belt | Diaper Baby | You're just starting outâso what did you expect? Get a life or go back to bed. |
| Score 2â3 | ||
| Yellow Belt | Butthole | Self-explanatory. |
| Score 4â5 | ||
| Green Belt | Idiot | You're probably just like everybody else. Boring and scared. |
| Score 6â7 | ||
| Orange Belt | Moron | Either you're hopeless or you just need to concentrate. |
| Score 8â9 | ||
| Blue Belt | Guy | You're alright. |
| Score 10â11 | ||
| Purple Belt | Dude | You're almost there. Maybe you're not pumped up enough ... |
| Score 12 | ||
| Black Belt | Ninja | You have REAL Ultimate Power. Don't let anybody ever tell you that you're not good enough, cause you're a ninja and nobody can take that away. 268 |
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