Real Ultimate Power (18 page)

The scene opens up to about a billion pirates laughing their asses off.
What could they be laughing at,
the audience will probably ask. All the pirates look SOOO confident. The audience will then see the back of a ninja, facing all the pirates. His uniform is pure black. He's alone and he doesn't even blink, but the pirates do and when they start thinking about blinking and their eyes being dry, they can't stop. Then one pirate runs over and hands the ninja a note. He opens it up and it says, “There's no way you're going to beat the pirates. You're just one retarded ninja and there are so many of us and we're awesome.” The ninja calmly folds up the piece of paper and places it in his front pocket. Then he takes out a pen and writes them a letter that says, “Yeah, right.” He folds it hard and throws it at the messenger's face and it cuts his forehead. Then the pirates take turns reading it and they get so mad. Finally, one pirate rips it up, because he's so full of anger. All the pirates start running to kill the ninja. As they run toward this lonely simple ninja, pump-up music starts playing slowly. Everybody is running at him real slow. The ninja pulls out his sword and his hand grips it so hard that blood drips from his knuckles, and when the blood hits the ground, grass starts exploding in slow-mo. Then the ninja digs his feet into the ground and the pirates get their toys ready. And, as they're about to get the ninja, BOOM! the ninja swings his sword so hard, a nuclear explosion happens right on one guy's frigg'n face and pump-up music comes harder than it was playing earlier and the ninja grows about a thousand feet tall and his suit grows, too, and the pirates' butts pucker because of fear and the ninja's voice sounds like an angry monster and WHAM! he would just frigg'n stomp on the frigg'n wimps and they would explode so hard. And the ninja chases them down a hill where they start slipping because it rained earlier and the ninja starts cutting down mountains and mountains start screaming and he sees the last bunch of pirates crumpled up in a pasture, squealing, and the ninja bends over and starts munching on them like a crazy cow. And then the ninja slams his sword in the ground and flies off into space because no one understands him and the sword is still there somewhere in that silly pasture where a bunch of animals sniff it and don't even understand what the hell happened on that badass Sunday.

 

Now, I bet you can't stop thinking about ninja swords. I will never stop thinking about them. The best way to express your feelings about somebody you don't like is to cut off their head. That way, there's no misunderstanding. Oh, hello, didn't you say that I'm the only kid you'll ever baby-sit? Oh, you don't go around town and baby-sit anybody with two legs? Then BOOM! That neck is spitting sap all over the front lawn. And, oh, you want to be buddies till we die? That sounds really nice. Oh, wait, you changed your mind? I understand. And then I start punching you until my hand breaks through your chest and I rip up all the cords. And oh, we're not having spicy chili tonight? Nobody cares what I want for dinner? Then how about I stomp on your face till it looks like spicy chili and then I'll eat it in a fancy restaurant full of people just begging to hang out with me.

Ninjas don't mess around and lie to you like certain people do. Ninjas kill people. And even if they kill you, at least you know how they really feel about you. And isn't that worth dying for? I mean, everybody has to die of something. Everybody. And I don't know about you, but it would be a lot sweeter if my gravestone said, “A sweet ass ninja killed this badass kid,” than if it said, “This moron choked on a plum.” So if you have any brains, you should probably pick the first one. But that's just my personal opinion.

Now, if you can't find a sword laying around your house, you can probably use something else. The bad part is that you have to hit somebody A LOT to kill them with a fake sword, but sometimes that isn't a problem. To make a fake sword, you can either cut one out of cardboard or just use some plastic knives. I would prefer to use cardboard because you can make a much huger sword, but sometimes you just want to have small
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so
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