Real Vampires Hate Skinny Jeans (10 page)

“Since you asked so nicely and all.” Alesa jerked her arm out of my grasp and flounced toward the back room. As she did, an expensive sweater fell out of the back of her skirt. I scooped it up off the floor.

“What the hell? Were you shoplifting? In
my
store?” I barely suppressed the urge to throw the demon against the table before I started to shut the door to the shop. It took everything in me not to slam it.

“Hold it, Glory. Is that demon with you?” Diana Marchand, owner of Mugs and Muffins, the coffee shop next door, stuck her foot in the door.

“Yes.” I glanced at Alesa, who just smiled and studied her fingernails like she was looking for a chip in the black polish. “What has she done now?”

“She just left my shop without paying for the half dozen muffins she scarfed down.” Diana pushed her way inside my back room and waited until I had us closed inside. Diana, a vampire and a friend, didn’t hesitate to get in Alesa’s face. “I don’t tolerate deadbeats.”

“Pay her, Glory.” Alesa brushed crumbs off her shirt front. “Great muffins, by the way. Though not very filling. I could have eaten a few more.”

“Stay out of my store. I don’t want a demon in there. You hear me?” Diana turned to me. “What the blazes are you doing hanging out with such as this?”

“Not my choice, believe me.” I started to argue about the bill with Alesa but didn’t want to do it in front of Diana.
“Tell Erin up front what you’re owed and she’ll take care of it.” I glared at Alesa. “This won’t happen again. I’m doing my best to get rid of the problem.”

Diana looked from me to Alesa and back again. “Honey, I figure you must be over a barrel to tolerate this, um, critter.” She patted my shoulder. “Let me know if you need my help.” She clasped the cross at her neck. “Though what I could do…”

“I appreciate the thought anyway.”

“Run along, little vampire. We’re just fine. And, seriously? Your coffee is weak and I’ve had better service in hell.” Alesa sniffed.

“Well, glad you mentioned it. Coffee. I’ll add that to your bill.” Diana jerked open the door and looked at me one more time. “I’ll say some prayers for you, Glory.”

“Thanks, I need all of those I can get.”

“Gag me.” Alesa shot the finger at Diana’s back before I shut the door again.

“See what happens when you cut me off without a penny? I’m reduced to walking without paying the check, shoplifting when I need a nice cardigan to wear. The evenings are cold here.” Alesa pretended to shiver. “I’m used to a much warmer climate, you know.”

I counted to ten, twenty. “Why are you even here in the shop?”

“Looking for you, obviously. We had an appointment. You weren’t in the apartment so this is the second place I looked.” Alesa smirked. “Your clerk never noticed when I stuffed that sweater down my skirt. Hell, I could have taken half the blouse rack and she’d have missed my smooth moves.”

“Erin’s a good clerk. She was ringing up a sale. I can’t believe I didn’t smell you the minute you hit the door.” I’d been talking on the phone. No wonder we were losing inventory.

“That chick’s shop next door had just taken a batch of
cookies out of the oven. Great disguise for me. Sneaked right up on you.” Alesa wrinkled her nose. “So when are we going dancing?”

“Never. You can’t be around my friends. Not Flo and Richard. You remember what happened the last time you were around them?” I rubbed my forehead. Headache. Too much stress. And between the reek of Alesa and those cookies next door, I really couldn’t breathe. It was taking a toll.

“Oh, yeah. That Italian shoe freak married to that religious zealot managed to orchestrate the love-in that got me sent back to hell when I was stuck in your body.” Alesa sighed. “I wanted to go back, you know. Seriously. Your body wasn’t exactly a demon’s playground, even if there’s plenty of room in the hip area.” She gave me a look I recognized, the skinny girl superior smirk. I wanted to slap it off her face. Couldn’t even breathe through the urge. I just shrugged.

“You can only imagine the tears of joy shed that night when I finally felt you pop out of me.” I gave her my own condescending once-over. “Good triumphs over evil. There were trumpets in Heaven playing the ‘Hallelujah’ chorus.”

Alesa shuddered. “As if anyone up there noticed your fat ass.” She sniffed. “Lucifer was certainly glad to see me. At first anyway. Then he noticed I had this little bun in the oven and ordered me to get rid of it.” She shook her head. “No way in hell or in any other dimension, baby. I told him that, right to his beautiful face. I’d worked too hard to get knocked up.” She let me see the tears glittering in her eyes. “So we had it out. Of course I lost that battle. Luc rules down there.” Big watery sigh.

“So you can never go back?” My heart fell to my feet. No way was I going to be stuck forever with this hellspawn and her offspring.

“Not saying that.” Alesa managed a smile. “I have some leverage. A few secrets I can use to bring Luc around. But I have to have the baby first.”

“And you’d raise him or her in hell? Is that even possible?” I couldn’t wrap my mind around the image of a nursery
down below. I’d heard stories of torture, sex and perversion there. Even a demon baby deserved love and a peaceful upbringing.

“Yes, it’s possible, Glory. I was raised in hell and look at how I turned out.” Alesa ran her hand proudly down her body.

“No thanks, I value my eyesight.” I sat on my only chair.

“Contrary to what you think, Glory, I was a favored demoness in the inner circle.” Alesa tossed her long black hair over her shoulder and posed like she was ready for her close-up as “Demon of the Year.” Then she deflated. “Which is why Lucifer went so ballistic when he realized I’d been unfaithful to him with another entity. He might have handled it if I’d done the deed with another demon.” Big sigh. “But he knew with one sniff that this baby wasn’t going to be pure. Rafe has that shifter side, you know. Unacceptable in Luc’s world. The Devil doesn’t mind growing his flock but he’s got these rules about it. You see Luc himself can’t procreate.”

“Thank God,” I murmured.

Alesa sniffed. “Whatever. This is a minor setback. I’ll win the big guy over again. Especially in about ten years when the little sprig here is fully grown.” She touched her tummy. “Then I’ll take him back downstairs and Luc will see how truly awesome he is, even if he’s not a pureblood.”

“Ten years?” I felt sick. A decade of Alesa? No way.

“Don’t look so freaked. Rafael and I won’t have to stay here, you know. Must I remind you that you were just the vessel?” Alesa picked up the cardigan she’d appropriated, a nice green one, and slipped it on. “What was I thinking? Green is way too festive. Black is my color.”

“Give me that. You pay for anything you get here.” I snatched the sweater and folded it with shaking hands. “That’s it, Alesa. As soon as you admit this pregnancy has nothing to do with Rafe either, you’re moving on. Stay away from my shop unless I bring you here.” I dropped the sweater on a shelf. “And no more shoplifting. From anywhere.”

“Give me a break. Rafe’s cut off my money and Luc certainly didn’t send me off with a credit card.” Alesa’s smile chilled me. “Of course I could always knock over a liquor store, snatch a purse or two. It’s easy when you can turn people to stone.”

“Absolutely not!” My headache was turning into the vampire equivalent of a migraine. “Here’s a challenge. See if you can get your money honestly. You figure out how to do that and I’ll take you dancing with me.”

“Honestly?” Alesa spat the word. “You’ve got to be kidding me. Demons don’t do honest.” She looked down at herself. Tonight she had on a long black knit skirt and a black and silver top that said “Baby on Board” in rhinestones. She also wore black tights and black and silver demiboots. “Though I do know fashion. You’ve got customers out there who could use some help.”

“You can’t work here.” The very thought had me up and out of my chair. I put myself between Alesa and the door into the shop.

“Kidding. Demons don’t work either unless it’s to garner a soul for Lucifer.” Alesa batted her ridiculously long dark lashes at me. “Come over to the dark side, Glory, and we’ll have a ball. A little petty crime is barely a blip on the sin scale and Mugs and Muffins seems to be raking in the cash. I could take out that vamp behind the counter while you empty the register. Then I’d have money for a new hotel room.”

“A blip? Stealing is so much more than that. Even if the owner Diana and I weren’t friends, I’d never do that.” I shuddered at the way her mind worked. “And a new room? What’s wrong with the old one?” I thought Rafe had her settled in a hotel, one fairly cheap and far enough away to keep her out of my thoughts.

“Never mind. You’ve challenged me. So I’ll give it a try. Honesty. Maybe it’ll be fun for a change.” She smiled that creepy smile of hers.

“Yes, it might even grow on you.” And it certainly would
be a better role model for her baby. Unfortunately I really didn’t think she could do anything honestly. But if she did somehow manage it, I’d make sure we went dancing on a night when Flo wasn’t going.

“Oh, no, you don’t. Not putting me off. We’ll go tonight. I can avoid your saintly friends. In fact, wouldn’t be caught dead with them.” For some reason that made her laugh. “Or undead. Gee, Glory, where’s your sense of humor?”

“I lost it when a pregnant demon knocked on my door.” I knew I was being backed into a corner.

“What time?” Alesa had a gleam in her eyes I didn’t trust. She’d been reading my mind of course.

“You expect to make money tonight?” I wanted nothing more than to go upstairs and lie down with a cold cloth on my aching head.

“Oh, I guarantee it. And I won’t rob or kill anyone to get it. Now what time, Glory?” Alesa walked to the back door, the one that opened into the alley.

“We close at midnight on Saturdays. Meet me here then.” I sighed. “And no one gets hurt, Alesa.”

“Right. Got it.” She smiled. “See you before midnight, cash in hand. Oh, this is going to be fun.”

“G
lory,
there’s something going on across the street you need to see.” Erin had just come in from her dinner break and slid behind the cash register where I was finishing a sale.

“What do you mean?” I handed the customer her bag then turned to my clerk.

“Go see for yourself.” Erin laughed. “No, not funny. Sorry.”

Somehow I knew this was Alesa’s doing. I pushed open the door and looked toward the corner. There were several people standing in front of a woman who held a hand-lettered sign. No rhinestones now. Alesa, barefoot and dirty, wore a sad-looking and very faded knit maternity dress. Her sign said “Pregnant, Hungry and Homeless” and a paper grocery sack sat on the ground in front of her. While I watched, a man
dropped a few bills into the bag. I heard Alesa say, “Bless you.”

Bless you? From a demon? I ran across the street.

“She’s not homeless!”

“Yes, I am. They kicked me out of the hotel this afternoon. Something about a little fire and Rafael canceling his credit card.” Alesa sniffed and wiped her eyes. Dark smudges, which humans watching would assume were mascara, made her look haggard. “And of course you told me I couldn’t stay in your apartment.”

“Why are you hassling her, lady?” Another man dropped a twenty in her bag. “Haven’t you ever fallen on hard times?”

“Yeah. And where’s this baby’s father, honey?” A woman handed Alesa a pamphlet and a ten-dollar bill. “There’s a shelter where you can sleep just a few blocks from here. Be sure to eat first. They lock the doors at ten.”

“Bless you both. The father’s denying everything. He’s insisting on a DNA test. Can you believe it? And he knows I was true to him.” Alesa sniffled. “Some people are so kind. Some”—she shook her head at me—“aren’t.”

Just then a police car pulled up to the curb.

“Move along. No panhandling or I’ll have to take you in.” The policeman said through his open window.

Alesa waved her pamphlet at him. “No worries, Officer. I’m on my way to the shelter.” She picked up her bag, which I could see was full of cash, and started down the sidewalk.

I hurried to catch up with her. “‘Bless you’? I’m surprised Lucifer didn’t singe your tail for talking like that.”

“I didn’t say the ‘G’ word.” Alesa winced when she stepped on a stone. “This outfit did the job, but I can’t stand looking poor and pitiful one more minute!” She blinked and now stood clean and changed into black leather, maternity style. It was a hip look and I wished I had an outfit like that to sell in my shop. With the metal studs and thigh-high boots, she could have been a motorcycle gang’s Madonna.

“What are you thinking? Doing magic in public and on
the street?” I frantically checked for shocked or bewildered bystanders. Luckily it was dark and we had the park on one side and an abandoned building across the street. The police car had disappeared around the corner.

“Relax. For a vampire you are way too uptight. Anybody ever tell you that, Glory?” Alesa stopped and looked me over. “I read your thoughts. So Ian told you something about being a super freak. Never human. I know he’s right. You’re a weird combo. When I was inside you, I did a little poking around. You’ve got powers you’ve never even tried to tap, girlfriend.”

Okay, I’d never trusted this demon but she did literally know me inside out. I had to ask.

“What do you mean?”

“Come here.” She dragged me into the deserted park. The only occupant was a man asleep on a bench. Someone really homeless. She poked him on his shoulder. “Get up.”

“What are you doing, Alesa?”

“An experiment. Here’s someone who needs a shelter and shower. And you say
I
reek, Glory?” She dragged him off the bench.

“What the hell? This is my bench. Get yer own!” He hit at her and lunged back toward his home sweet home. Alesa just laughed and danced away from his filthy hands.

“Puh-lease. You can keep your precious bed.” She reached into her bag which she’d turned into a black leather tote. “Five bucks if you walk to that tree and back.”

The man stopped and licked his lips. “What’s yer game?”

“No game. Easy money. Now walkee, walkee.” Alesa fluttered the bill in front of his bloodshot eyes then gave him a shove.