Real Vampires Hate Their Thighs (23 page)

“I would fly before I would ruin my shoes,
signore
. A vamp would have to be
stupido
to stay on the ground.” Flo flounced to a chair and sat, then seemed to remember that her best friend had spent centuries being afraid to shift and fly anywhere.

“Oh, no, Glory. I didn’t mean . . .
Amica
, if you like to run, then run, of course.”

“Thanks, Flo, but my feet are on fire and I feel like someone has ripped my intestines out through my belly button. This is a bad idea.” I couldn’t freakin’ believe this. Twenty miles? And all it would take is one Glory sighting and I’d have a caravan of tabloid reporters on my tail waiting for me to fall on my face. Which was a distinct possibility right now.

“Now, Glory, surely you don’t hurt that much. Let’s start over. I don’t understand why you didn’t heal during your death sleep.” Ian led me to the couch. “Sit. Let me examine you.”

“Lift her shirt and die,
signore
.” Flo was up again, had grabbed a pencil from the desk and had it aimed at Ian’s heart.

His two bodyguards picked her up and plucked the pencil out of her hands before I could do more than wince. She screamed Italian invectives, but the men were obviously stronger than she was. Brittany piled on and one of them had to release Flo to deal with her. A lamp turned over and glass broke.

“Make them let her go, Ian. Flo, he’s not going to lift my shirt, are you, Ian? He’s just going to look into my eyes. Simple stuff. And he’s a doctor, remember?”

Valdez snarled, torn between loyalty to me and staying close by my side, and watching Flo being manhandled without going to her defense. Clearly Brittany was holding her own with the other guard.

“Relax, Florence. Glory’s right. I just want to get to the bottom of this problem she has.” Ian lifted my wrist and took my pulse. “Set the woman down. If she comes at me again, you can stop her again.”

“
Frattaglie
. Worthless pieces of shit. Apes!” Flo straightened her green silk blouse and checked her brown suede skirt for damage. “I kill them if they touch one hair on my head or on Glory’s head, I tell you.”

Brittany threw a few choice words at the man she’d managed to almost strip of his shirt. Then she tossed her hair and took her position next to the balcony doors again.

“Flo, honey, let Ian see if he can help me.” I rolled my neck as he felt behind my ears, then he lifted my lids to look into my eyes.

“You look sleep deprived.”

“I am. It’s those nightmares. I had another one last night. I hope your new formula stops those.” I sighed and looked down at Valdez. I sent him another silent message of thanks. I didn’t doubt he’d saved my life when I almost walked into the sun.

“I have something that will make you feel better.” Ian pulled a syringe out of his black bag.

“No way in hell.”
Valdez headbutted Ian’s hand and the syringe went flying across the room. Brittany picked it up and put it out of sight.
“She can do twenty miles without that, can’t you, Glory? I’ll be right there with you, Brittany too. What about you, Flo?”

“In these boots?” Flo looked down at her new Ralph Lauren leather high-heeled boots. I knew she’d never worn them before. “I don’t think—” She and Valdez exchanged looks. “For my best friend? Of course.” She frowned at Ian. “I
do
heal in my sleep. I get a blister? Poof, is gone the next evening when I wake.”

I got to my feet. Apparently I had to prove to everyone that I was Wonder Woman. And I did want to lose more weight. If this would take off five pounds in one night, then I would do twenty miles on my knees if I had to. Even if the paparazzi were snapping pictures of the ordeal.

“Oh, Glory, you’re just the bravest woman I know.” Trina was all over me. Next thing I knew she was crumpled against the wall.

“Flo! What was that about?” I limped over to check on Trina’s condition. She just grinned up at me and blew me a kiss.

“She had her hand on your ass.
Puttana!
” Flo got in Trina’s face. “My friend doesn’t go that way. If she did, it wouldn’t be with a skinny bitch like you, you understand me? It would be with someone she loves.” Flo grabbed me and kissed me on the lips. “So hands off!”

I leaned on Valdez as Trina got up and shot the finger at Flo. Well, that had been a cute little scene. And I didn’t dare wipe off my mouth, though I had a feeling I was sporting Tahitian Sunrise on my lips now. Fine. Everyone kept saying I looked pale anyway.

“I have just one question. How are we going to get out of the hotel without being caught by the paparazzi?” I looked around. There were four women, three men and a dog in our party. We’d have as much luck sneaking out as a marching band playing “Hail to the Chief.”

“There’s a park down the street where you can start the run. Shift out of here. Trina can meet you there.” Ian smiled and looked down at his Italian loafers. “Like Florence, I’m not dressed for a twenty-mile run and have no desire to join you. I’ll wait for you here.”

Well, that didn’t exactly work for me. The idea that Ian would be left alone in our suite while we were all outside? No, not going to happen. Of course, a vampire can get in where he’s not supposed to be without breaking a sweat anyway.

“I don’t think so, Ian.” I leaned against the door and looked at Flo, who was walking gingerly around the living room in her high-heeled boots. “Flo, honey, why don’t you stay here too? Maybe you can ask Ian about his program and some of his former clients. Richard would like more information, wouldn’t he?” Flo’s look of relief was almost comical. Then I sneezed again, doubling over to scream into my T-shirt.

“Glory, are you sure you don’t need me?” Flo patted my back while I struggled to stand upright again.

“I’m sure. Trina, you just run out the front door. No one’s going to follow you. Let’s shift out of here.” I limped toward the balcony.

“Cool. I get to see you vamps shape-shift. I love that.” Trina clapped her hands. “Go for it, Glory. What do you like to turn into?”

“Nothing.” The way I felt, I wondered if I even
could
shift. Brittany threw open the French doors.

“
Mia amica
, are you sure you want to do this?” Flo rubbed what must be her lipstick from the corner of my mouth and gave Trina a superior look. “You don’t look well.”

“Sure. I’m okay. And I’ll feel great after I feed from Trina. That really charges my battery.” I enjoyed the cool breeze on my face and already felt marginally better. “I’m just down from not getting the rest I’m used to. It’s a weird feeling. But it’s got to be temporary. And tomorrow night is my fitting.” I sighed. “I called Zia and told her to warn the designers that I’d been losing weight. She laughed it off. Probably figured I’d only lost a pound or two.”

“Wait till they see you, girlfriend. So skinny. They’ll be blown away.” Flo grinned. “This Zia, she is smart. Reality shows, they like the drama. Your designers will be going crazy trying to make the dresses fit.”

I held on to the balcony railing, working up the courage to shift. “Guess this is worth it.” The street was far below us and there was a beautiful sky above. A clear night, cool breeze and the lights of L.A. made me actually feel like flying for a change. It had to be better than standing on these aching feet. I leaned against Flo when she put her arm around me. “Of course it is. Totally.”

Flo frowned. “I hope so.” She hugged me. “Be careful. Brittany, Valdez, take care of her. Don’t let her out of your sight.”

“You bet.”
Valdez bumped my hip.

“Hey, we’re two on two.” Brittany checked out Ian’s bodyguards. “No, make that two on zip. These guys are lame-ass losers.”

“Oh? You want to go another round?” Surfer number one got in Brittany’s face.

“Settle, children.” Ian stood beside me, looking me over again. “You think you can shift, Glory?”

“I sure hope so. Just never has been my favorite thing to do. You guys go ahead. Valdez and I will be last.” I saw Brittany and Ian’s guards change and fly out following Ian’s directions.

“We don’t have to do this. Grab your sunglasses and a scarf and I’ll do my Doberman thing. We’ll go out the back.”
Valdez nudged me.

“No, I can do this.” I closed my eyes, pictured a bat and flew out into the night sky. Valdez stayed by my side. I looked down and soon saw the park Ian had described. I actually felt better as the bat. Not so much stomach to ache. Too bad I couldn’t fly around here forever. I saw Trina jog out of the hotel entrance and down the street. I dive-bombed her just for the hell of it, enjoying her shrieks as I snatched at her hair. See? I’m not always sweet, easygoing Glory.

When Trina arrived at the park and the waiting guards, I landed on the ground next to her and concentrated on shifting back. For a moment, I stalled. Yep, there was a real scary hesitation. Maybe because I knew my stomach pain was waiting for me. That and my aching feet. But I finally got a grip on my reluctance and did the necessary.

“Ah, there you are. Hey, you attacked me.” Trina laughed.

“That was so cool.” Obviously nothing fazed Trina. “And when you shifted . . . Man, you were just a blur and then off into the sky. Amazing!”

“Great, glad I could entertain you. Now, let’s go.”

“Stop! You’re hurting. So you need to stretch.” Trina got serious. She led me through a bunch of exercises that did work the kinks out of my knotted leg and thigh muscles.

“We’ll start slow and then you can put on some speed if you feel like it. I know you vamps—you can run really fast if you want to. I hope you won’t just leave me in your dust, though. I hate it when vamps do that. It makes me feel so inadequate.” She sighed. “I can’t wait till Ian makes me a vampire.”

I sat on a bench and patted the seat beside me. “Sit down for a minute, Trina. I want to talk to you.”

“We really should go. We’re already warmed up.” She jogged in a small circle.

“We can get warm again. Sit.” I pulled her down. “Now, listen. About becoming a vampire . . .”

“I know. It’s so fantastic. Ian says you’re over four hundred years old and look at you! You could pass for under twenty-one anywhere. I bet you’re carded all the time in clubs.”

I sighed. “Get a grip, Trina. They don’t card anyone in a vampire club and I wouldn’t bother going to a mortal one because I can’t drink alcohol.”

“No chocolate martinis? No lemon drops?” Trina smiled. “I may be a bit of a fitness freak, but I do like my cocktails.”

“Forget cocktails. Alcohol and vampires don’t mix.” I shook my head. “Listen carefully now, Trina. Yes, I’ve lived that long and, no, I’ve never aged. I’ve never had children either. That part of you dies along with the rest of you when you’re turned vampire. Ian explain that?”

“No.” Trina got a thoughtful look. “But I probably wouldn’t be a good mother anyway. I can’t even keep a plant alive. And if I had kids first, then turned vampire, I’d either have to make them vampire too someday or watch them grow old and die. That would be a bummer, wouldn’t it?”

Valdez snorted. Bummer. A word you’d use if your favorite TV program was preempted by a news break. Trina didn’t have a clue how
permanent
this decision was.

Brittany was watching Ian’s men, who were obviously too bored to pay attention to a conversation they’d probably heard a thousand times. How many of these mortals had Ian used? And how many had actually made it to immortality? A quick romp through Thing One’s mind alarmed me. These mortals were disposable. Trina wasn’t about to get to the exalted level of vampire. When she started slowing down on the track or became too whiny for Ian’s taste, she’d be discarded, passed around among the guards at playtime, and they didn’t care if she accidentally got drained dry.

Unfortunately, this was a common mind-set among old-school vamps. Damn. And here I thought Ian had evolved along with his love of technology.

No way could I yell, “Run!” right here in front of the guards. But, before I was done with this program, I was going to have to figure out how to get her away from Ian. I was afraid the good old whammy wasn’t going to be enough. If Trina was a true vamp groupie, she’d just go home to an apartment painted black with the usual shrine to all things vampire and begin her obsession all over again. And Ian would know where to find her too.

“Trina, don’t you like to eat?” I trotted out what I missed most about being mortal.

“I’m a vegan. Not much joy in eating anymore. I can’t bring myself to eat anything with a face. And now I’ve read that even plants have feelings. Doesn’t leave much that doesn’t make me feel guilty.” Trina got up again. “You won’t talk me out of this, Glory. I’m determined.” She started moving in that stupid circle again. “Come on. Get up. We need to get started. You’re going to run like the wind.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not even in breeze mode tonight, so let’s just do what we need to, so I can get down to my ideal weight.” I knew a dead end when I hit one. I groaned as I got up and started off after her. She’d picked a trail through the trees that was well lit. We were followed by our two men, one woman and a dog, a real pack.

She might be a dim bulb, but I had to admire Trina’s stamina. She was in great shape for a mortal. She kept a steady pace and basically ran a marathon with me beside her. I never heard her complain. No, she just listened to
me
whine when we hit an artificial hill that some demon of design had decided would challenge the runners in this park. And we ran the five-mile course a total of four times. So I saw that hill four times. I hated it. Finally we were both panting and starting what Trina called cooldown. She’d obviously studied at the same school of torture that Bill the trainer had.

“Stretches and slow walking to finish this off, Glory. Then we can go back to the hotel.” Trina was glowing with the effects of our run. She obviously loved this stuff. A real twisted sister.

“I’ve got an idea, Glory.”
Valdez was panting some himself, and he smelled like a wet fur rug.