Rebel Heart (15 page)

“It is perfect, madam. He'll always remember your wedding day,” the salesclerk said as she swished a fold, straightened the sleeve.

“I guess. It doesn’t look much like me.”

Shannon hesitated. Gone was the tough woman who had tried to make a go of a cattle ranch. Gone was the lonely girl who had been dragged from air base to air base. Gone was the unhappy wife and widow. In her place stood an alluring woman, wrapped in a feminine mystique. Slowly she smiled, unexpected sensations seeping throughout.

“I’ll take it.” She tilted her head, picturing herself walking down the aisle. Picturing Jase as he waited by the minister. Her heartbeat increased. Color rose in her cheeks.

“Well?” Jase asked some moments later when she joined him in the main floor of the dress shop. He looked disappointed. “You didn't find anything?”

“Yes. I found a dress. The clerk's wrapping it.”

“I want to see it.”

“Not until the wedding. It’s bad luck, you know.”

He frowned. “Did you get something pretty?” he asked suspiciously, his hand sweeping back a strand of hair from her cheek, lingering a moment.

“Yes, I think it’s pretty. You can tell me, after we’re married.”

“Ah, like that, is it?” he teased.

She nodded, happiness welling up. Maybe they could work something out.

The visit to the feed store proved a nightmare. Shannon watched as Jase and the owner negotiated feed deliveries, appalled at the amount of money involved. She grew quieter and quieter as the magnitude of what she’d owe Jase became clearer. He must have a lot of money saved from winnings to be able to agree to the terms. Though he drove a hard bargain, the amount of feed needed to carry them through the winter was astonishing.

“Jase,” she said as they walked back to the truck. “Maybe we ought to sell more of the herd, wait until next spring and buy then. That would save all this money. It’s too much.”

“Let me worry about that now, darlin’,” he said, opening the door for her.

When he climbed in, she turned to him. “Don’t patronize me, Jase, or treat me like a child. None of that ‘there, there, dear, don’t worry your pretty little head about things.’ This is
my
ranch. And I’m running it. I asked for some help to teach me how, not for you to take over. I still have sixty percent ownership don’t forget.”

“How could I when you bring it up all the time? Fine, what do you want to do? I told you before when you wanted to sell cattle now is not the time to do it. If you sell at a loss now, how will you have any money to buy in the spring? I have the money for the feed. Consider it my input to the ranch, to justify the forty percent.”

“I thought marrying me got you the forty percent.”

“Dammit, Shannon, let it drop.” He rammed the truck into gear and left the feed lot with gravel spinning and dust rising.

“I’ll pay you back,” she said.

“How does a wife pay back her husband? Our assets will be mingled.”

“Well, if we ever get a divorce, I’ll—”

“Stop right there!” He pulled to the side of the road and slammed on the brakes. “If you’re thinking of going into this marriage with the intention of getting a divorce, change your thought process.”

“No, I—”

“I told you it is for good. If you can’t handle that, decide now. Once we’re married, we stay married.”

She was silent. She was not consciously thinking about a divorce in the future. But would Jase feel constrained in a marriage? Would he one day want to regain the freedom he so blithely traded away?

She felt so obligated, as if she were gaining everything while he gained nothing. She didn’t like the feeling. She wanted to be independent, able to stand on her own, or at the very least to be an equal partner.

“I’ll sleep with you, then,” she blurted. At least he’d get something from the marriage.

“Dammit to hell, Shannon! You think prostituting yourself for your ranch is going to make me feel good?” he growled out. His hands gripped the wheel so tightly his knuckles showed white. His jaw clenched furiously as he tried to control his anger.

“I’m just trying to give you something in exchange for all you’re doing. I love this ranch, Jase, and you’re making it possible for me to keep it. To remain on it. I’m grateful—”

“I don’t want your damn gratitude. I don’t want you in my bed because you’re grateful, or you think of it as payment for the few lousy dollars I’m putting in. When you come to my bed I want you there because you want me as much as I want you. No other reason.”

She shivered. He was flaming angry. She swallowed and tried to think of something else to say. She hadn’t meant to make him so mad. Watching him warily, she realized her mistake. It had sounded as if she agreed to share his bed as some kind of payment when in fact she'd been trying to hold up her end of the deal.

I want you in my bed because you want me as much as I want you.

She closed her eyes as a delicious warmth skimmed over her.

He wanted her, he’d made that clear more than once. He’d been frank and up front. And if she were equally frank, she’d admit she wanted him, as well. Wanted to explore the excitement he generated, see what the two of them together could create.

Would it be wild and hot and frenzied, or slow and languid and deep? Would they burn out fast or glow endlessly?

Would he tire of her? Closing her eyes, Shannon refused to dwell on any of the choices. She’d just blown it. He wouldn’t listen to anything she said right now.

And she was too afraid to admit she wanted him. To do so would be to admit the crack in the ice around her heart, to admit to the possibility that she would end up feeling more for Jase than she had for anyone before. And that would open herself up to the possibility of incredible hurt if he cheated like Bobby had or ignored her.

She wasn’t ready to do that.

It was late afternoon when they reached the ranch. Shannon kept her expression neutral, though she almost giggled inside at the remembered expression on the minister’s face when Jase told him they wanted to be married. Anyone less lover-like than Jase would have been hard to find.

He planned the wedding in a totally businesslike manner. He scowled when Shannon said anything, was abrupt and curt. She knew he was still angry with her, but she couldn’t help finding the humor in the situation. Knowing her very life would probably be in danger if she gave way to the laughter that threatened, she concentrated on keeping a straight face.

“I’ll do the chores,” she said as he pulled the truck to a stop near the house. Hopping down, her smile couldn’t be contained.

“Fine. I’ll call my family and let them know the good news,” Jase replied, slamming his door.

His family. She hadn't thought of them once.

More and more this took on the sense of a true wedding, a true marriage.

Shannon forked down the hay, scooped the grain, all by rote. Her thoughts churned. She was committed to marriage. To a man who planned to leave a week after the wedding and would be gone longer than she’d known him before he’d come back.

She didn’t want him to go. Or if he went, she wanted him to take her with him. She'd miss him desperately when he left—from his lopsided smile, to the touch of his fingers against her cheek; from his arrogant confident stride, to his kindness to the old cowboys who worked her ranch. His touch ignited her. His teasing warmed her. His ability around horses and cattle enthralled her. There was nothing about him she’d change.

Except…maybe his sense of responsibility.

Yet he was who he was. He wasn’t perfect. He had a temper, he was bossy on occasion, and he always thought he knew best. And sometimes he was right.

What was she going to do? How could she marry him, live with him through the years? How could she bear to be apart from him?

Even now she wanted to rush into the house and see what he was doing. Hear his lazy drawl as he talked on the phone. Feel the tingle from his fingers as he brushed past her when setting the table. Taste the essence of him in a kiss.

Slowly, Shannon turned and finished the chores. Time enough to see him when she finished her tasks. After all, they were going to be married soon. He’d live with her in every sense after that.

When Shannon returned to the house, she met Jase leaving. He had his duffel bag under one arm, his second set of boots in his hand.

“Where are you going?” she asked. He wasn’t leaving, was he? Had she made him so angry he was cutting out?

“To the bunkhouse,” he said, stepping around her, walking firmly toward the building.

“Why?” She spun around and hurried to keep up with him.

“Why do you think, Shannon? To protect your reputation, of course.”

“That’s dumb. You’ve been staying in the house for weeks now.”

“But we weren’t engaged before.” He continued walking.

She stopped dead.

Engaged.

Slowly, a soft smile tilted her lips. They were engaged. She hadn’t been engaged before. A feeling of delight slowly grew, warming her, enchanting her. For two weeks she’d be engaged.

“Wait.” She ran to catch up, reaching out to grasp his arm. “It doesn’t change anything.”

He dumped his duffel and boots and swung around to draw her up against him, resting his head on her hair. “The hell it doesn’t. After your generous offer this afternoon, how could I refuse? How could I keep my hands to myself until we’re married if we’re living together?”

“Sarcasm doesn’t become a newly engaged man,” she chided gently at his tone when referring to her offer. Embarrassed that he’d thought she’d offer it in exchange for the money, she wanted to keep her face tight against his chest, negating the need to look at him.

“Yeah, well we have a lot to do the next few weeks. And I need to get my rest. What kind of nights do you think I have listening to you slide the clothes off your body? How much sleep do you think I get imagining you naked between the sheets? Listening to you toss and turn in bed every night until it’s all I can do to refrain from knocking down your door and finding out why you can’t sleep.”

She leaned against him as her legs grew weak. She could feel the raw need in him, trembled at the depth of his feelings. If only she wasn’t so afraid to let go.

He tilted back her head until he could gaze down into her eyes. The soft afternoon air swirled by like a caress against her skin. “Cowboys are a rowdy bunch. I don’t want to give cause for speculation and gossip about you. I’ll bunk in with Dink and Gary until the wedding.”

For one splendid moment Shannon felt cherished. No one had ever taken such care for her before. Jase made her feel special, treasured.

“Okay, I guess. But you’ll still eat with me?”

When he hesitated, she tightened her grip. “Please. It’s not as much fun to cook for one as for two.”

It wasn’t as much fun to eat alone anymore, either. She’d have enough solitary meals when he left.

“All right. Go start dinner, I’ll be up in a little while.”

He released her and picked up his things. Without another glance in her direction he headed for the bunkhouse.

He still simmered from her words this afternoon. That wasn't the reason he was moving. He did want to protect her. She was right, her reasons for not hopping into bed with him were her principles. He admired her for that, even when he thought some times that she wanted him as much as he wanted her.

He pushed open the door to the bunk house. The large living area held several comfortable sofas and coffee tables, scarred by years of boots. Gary was in the kitchen and looked over at Jase.

“You two have a fight?” he asked.

“No. Just seemed the thing to do. Don't want to cause gossip.”

Gary shrugged. “No one outside the ranch knows what the sleeping arrangements are, and Dink and I sure ain't talking.”

“Shannon and I are getting married in a couple of weeks.”

He didn't expect the wide grin on Gary's face.

“Well, hot damn, about time. Glad to hear it.”

“You and Dink can draw straws to see who walks her down the aisle.” Jase said, heading for the hall and looking for an empty room.

“Married in a church?” Gary called after him.

“Yes, in two weeks.”

“Wait until Dink hears this,” Gary mumbled, turning back to the stove.

Jase dumped his duffel on the bed and went in search of sheets and blankets.

He made the bed then stretched out on it. There were chores to do. Dinner to get through. But he wanted a moment to think

Since he'd proposed his cockamamie idea, he'd refused to admit why he suggested such a thing. He thought back to the nights he'd sat up playing with the numbers, trying to see how he and his brother and sister would make it through to spring. They had not had the setback of burned fields. He remembered feeling overwhelmed and scared. If he couldn't make it work, they would go to foster care, he'd lose the ranch, and who knew what would happen to them.

But he'd made it work. And then walked away when Brianna graduated from college.

Neither of the other two wanted to run the place, and he wanted time to try the rodeo, so he installed a manager.

Feeling free for the first time since his folks had died, he'd loved the rodeo. He loved challenging himself against 1500 pounds of raw energy. He liked the smooth precision of Shadow, the satisfaction when they placed first. The knowledge he'd trained the horse and it was paying off.

So why change all that for a ranch that was perilously close to needing the same kind of devotion his had back in the day? Why tie himself to a woman he couldn't be sure would ever fully accept him.

Maybe he'd hit his head harder than he thought when he'd been bucked off that bronc.

Jase worked tirelessly for the next two weeks. Shannon learned more than she had ever imagined about ranching, from interviewing and hiring new hands, to recovery from a fire. Jase arranged removal of the carcasses and the burned-out shell of her truck. She went into town and bought a new one, courtesy of her fiancé.

The two new cowboys were immediately sent to work on repairing the fences, while Jase worked out a plan with Shannon for rotating the cattle on the fields the fire had missed and spreading enough feed to continue the growth of the cattle on the burned areas. He arranged for water tankers to deliver water to troughs on the fields cut off from water. He showed her how to estimate the next order and make sure the feed store delivered it on time and dumped it where she wanted it.