Red Dirt Diary 3 (13 page)

Thankfully the Colonel put us all out of our misery and said, ‘I'd use the mirror to reflect sunlight directly into the rhinoceros's eyes to confuse it, then make my escape while it is wandering around in a daze.'

Sounded sensible enough until Gary asked, ‘What if it's a cloudy day?'

The Colonel looked stunned for a moment, then said, ‘Well pepper my legs! I didn't think of that! I suppose I'd have to shove the lipstick up his nose, leapfrog over his back and run for my jolly life!'

Everyone burst out laughing.

Except for Mat, that is. She thinks it is wasteful to go sticking lipstick up a rhinoceros's nose when there are poor children all over Africa who don't even own an eyeliner or a decent lip gloss.

What planet is that girl living on?

Thursday, 28 June

The senior kids have been learning about explorers for the last few weeks. Mr Cluff thought it would be a fun topic to research before camp. Maybe he thinks all those stories about explorers getting lost, starving and dying will make the kids more sensible in the bush. Good luck with that!

These are two of the articles I received today for
The Bake Tribulation
:

Also received an article by Matilda Jane the Mature called ‘Waterproof lipstick — everything you need to know'.

We took the carrier pigeons home on the bus and let them go just before Hillrose Poo. Feathers went home with Worms again.

Friday, 29 June

Had so much fun today. The Colonel has bought these tiny little capsules that strap to the pigeons' legs for carrying messages. This morning half the kids wrote notes on little pieces of paper, popped them into the capsules, then carried the pigeons deep into the state forest where they let them go. The rest of us met the pigeons back at the coop and read the messages.

The notes said silly things like:

Nick sent a love letter to Lynette.

Banjo sent this poem to me for
The Bake Tribulation
:

After recess we swapped over so the rest of us got a chance to send messages back. Mat wrote an anonymous message to Mr Cluff that said,
Rescue Katherine from Scotland
.

I wrote a little return poem for Banjo:

Hee hee hee!

Feathers didn't fly home with any messages. Worms had to carry him back and hand-deliver his message to the Colonel. It said:
WENS LUNCH
?

The pigeons got taken home by some of the kids this afternoon. They can send messages back to school before they leave home on Monday morning. We missed out, but Wes and Fez borrowed a little message capsule anyway. Not quite sure why.

Saturday, 30 June

Wes and Fez are training Flipper to be a carrier pigeon. They attached the little capsule to his leg
and spent the morning sending messages from one end of the hallway to the other as Flipper tumbled back and forth. They sent really stupid notes like:

They rolled around on the floor laughing as though they were the funniest, most intelligent words they have ever written.

Actually, they probably
are
the most intelligent words they have ever written …

Started tidying my room up ready for when Sophie comes home next week. Sophie and Peter get four weeks' holidays in the middle of the year. We only get two. The people who run the boarding school obviously realise that it's cruel to take children away from their families and try to make up for it by giving them more holidays than normal. It's so wrong!

Sunday, 1 July

Mr Cluff called over today for a cuppa. He wanted to let Mum and Dad know that HE HAS BOOKED A TRIP TO SCOTLAND FOR THE SCHOOL HOLIDAYS.

M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
is working!!!

Rang Mat and told her. She screamed so loudly that I dropped the phone. By the time I picked it up from the floor, she was planning a whole wedding and said that it was the Sweeneys' turn to have a wedding at their farm. She blabbered on and on about veils and flowers and satin and hosiery until I wanted to puke. I almost regret doing
M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
, but if it brings Miss McKenzie's beautiful, sparkly smile back into our lives it will be worth it.

I let Mat rant and rave a bit longer, then pretended that Dad needed me to help round up some sheep. Phew!

Went over to Magpie's Rest to tell Mrs Whittington about Mr Cluff's trip.

‘That's lovely, dear,' she said. ‘I miss Katherine terribly. Although not as much as I miss young Blue and her mother, Valmai. I haven't seen them since the end of World War II, you know.'

I gave her hand a squeeze. She stared at me as though she was trying to remember who I was.

As I left, she said, ‘Thank you so much for praying with me, Father O'Malley. It's always a great comfort.'

Monday, 2 July

All of the carrier pigeons arrived back at school before recess today. Nick sent another love letter to Lynette. Cassie sent five sultanas for her morning tea. Jack sent his project on Australian explorers. The entire thing was written and illustrated on a tiny piece of paper the size of a five-dollar note.

Ben spent all morning reading a book called
Love's Journey
. The cover has a picture of a woman in a very short skirt fainting in the arms of a man dressed like Tarzan. They are in the jungle but she looks like she has just ironed her clothes, blow-dried her hair and put
her make-up on. Looks exactly like something Matilda Jane or Sophie would read.

Ben said it was just for research before he writes the rest of Mat's romance serial, but he was really into it. By the time the bell rang for lunch, he was wiping his eyes with tissues, and I swear he sighed and whispered, ‘How romantic.'

Scary,
scary
stuff!

Matilda Jane the Insane was creating her own romantic story all day long as she talked about
M
ISSION
M
C
K
ENZIE
. I tried to point out that, so far, Mr Cluff was just
visiting
Miss McKenzie, but she gave me one of her withering stares and said I was clueless and totally immature.

Received an ad for the next paper from Sunshine today:

Tuesday, 3 July

Flipper finally got up the confidence to play outside today. He was frolicking around with Lucy's rabbits and Petal when he got all excited and tumbled off across the soccer pitch. Unfortunately he got caught up in the middle of the game just as Davo was dribbling the ball past. Davo kicked. Flipper flew up into the air and landed in the goal.

Davo ran around the field with his shirt pulled up over his head, yelling, ‘Goal! Goal!'

Gary and Jack said there was no way it was a goal because the ball didn't go in. Davo and his team got really cross and said it was too. They started shoving and yelling, and there was a huge rumble.

Flipper sat in the corner of the soccer goal, puffing up his feathers and shivering. Gabby ran around and around the outside of the wrestling clump with her clipboard and first aid kit, looking for an injury to treat.

The Colonel stood by wriggling his eyebrows and said, ‘Looks just like the Great Wrestling War of Wollongong back in 1991. Six hundred
and fifty-four men wrestled for three days before it ended. All over an argument about whether sandwiches should be cut into squares or triangles. Triangles won, of course — and the world is a better place for it. Can't stand my lunch cut into squares. Barbaric habit.'

The Great Wrestling War of Hardbake Plains Soccer Field probably would have gone on for three days, too, if Mr Cluff hadn't rung the bell. By the time we went inside, Gabby had sent three boys and Flipper to the sick bay for bandaging.

Got an invitation to Matilda Jane the Mature's thirteenth birthday on Saturday. Sophie is invited too. It's a sleepover pamper party, whatever that means. Mat is beside herself with excitement. She has even given a list of suggested gifts, which I handed straight over to Mum. I have no idea what a loofah or an eyelash curler is.

Wednesday, 4 July

All the kids brought their sandwiches to school cut in triangles today.

Received three news reports for the paper about yesterday's fight. ‘Liar! Liar! Pants on fire' by Gary and Jack gives quite the opposite
view of events to Davo's ‘Jealous soccer team robs goal from brilliant player'. Gabby's report, ‘Saved from the brink of death', tells the heroic story of how she treated Nick and Tom for grazed knees, Harry for dirty fingernails and Flipper for shock.

Ned handed in his survey results:

Also got this article about explorers from Fez:

Mat spent the entire lunch break talking to Mr Cluff about Scotland and how great it will be for him to spend time with Katherine.

Katherine????

Since when did Miss McKenzie become
Katherine
for Matilda Jane the Insane?

Thursday, 5 July

Woken by the foxes at 4.20 am. We didn't think they'd come back again after the Queen's Birthday explosion.

Macka ran after them squealing and spitting, but Gunther ran away in the opposite direction. He bolted up the driveway towards the front gate, faster than a cheetah chasing a chicken. He didn't even wait for his bunnies to catch up. Poor thing. He must still be traumatised by losing his tail.

Wes and Fez spent the bus trip to school making slingshots out of forked sticks and rubber bands.

‘It's for the foxes,' said Wes.

‘To teach them a lesson,' said Fez.

‘Yeah, and we don't just mean four times five is fifteen,' said Wes.

They broke three windows as soon as they arrived at school and hit Lynette right in the
middle of her forehead with a rock. Gabby appeared from nowhere and bandaged Lynette's head, put her left arm in a sling and splinted both her legs. Nick appeared from nowhere and punched Wes in the guts and pushed Fez off the end of the veranda.

Mr Cluff confiscated the slingshots and gave Wes, Fez and Nick time-out. Wes and Fez used the time to write their next manners article for the newspaper.

Heard Wes and Fez apologising to Lynette at recess.

‘I'm really sorry I hit you in the forehead with a rock,' said Wes.

‘Yeah, he was aiming for your nose,' said Fez.

Friday, 6 July

Had a great end-of-term camp fire today. We made damper, which we wrapped around a stick and held over the fire to cook. Worms was starving. He held his damper right in the flame so it would cook faster. It caught on fire and turned into a hard black lump of charcoal. Worms was so upset that the Colonel had to feed him a packet of chocolate biscuits from the staffroom to calm him down.

We had another treasure hunt using maps and compasses. The Colonel said practice makes perfect. No-one ended up at the pub this time, but Tom, Sam and Dora did dig up the remains of Lucy's rabbit, Bella, who died last year. Grace, Gary, Harry and I found the real treasure — a bag of lollipops, which we shared around with everyone. Except for Matilda Jane the Mature. She says sugar is bad for her complexion.

The juniors gave a marching demonstration before home time. They marched backwards, forwards and side to side. It looked more like line dancing than marching, but they were very proud of themselves anyway.

Mr Cluff finished the day with an end-of-term speech, wishing us all a safe and happy
holiday. He said he would pass our love on to the gorgeous Miss McKenzie. He was blushing like a beetroot and grinning so much I thought his face was going to split. Mat and Ben looked at each other and said, ‘How romantic!' at exactly the same time!

Sophie, Peter and Mum didn't get home from Bathurst until really late. Peter had been in trouble for putting a rat from the science lab inside one of the beanbags in the library. The librarian had fainted when it chewed a hole through the side and popped its head out to say hello.

Wes and Fez thought it sounded hilarious.

‘I love rats,' said Fez.

‘Yeah. Especially Super Rat,' said Wes.

‘I miss Super Rat,' said Fez, and burst out crying.

Sunday, 8 July

Phew. Home at last. What a relief!

Sophie and I have been at Mat's sleepover pamper party with Lynette, Grace and Julia. Julia is Ben and Grace's big sister, who goes to boarding school. She's fifteen, like Sophie.