Red Dirt Diary 3 (15 page)

Peter was rolling around laughing his guts out. Sophie pushed her red jelly aside and couldn't bear to eat it. Wes and Fez ran into the lounge room to look up haggises on the internet. They reckon they sound amazing and want to get one for a pet.

I looked at the rest of
The Bake Tribulation
while I ate Sophie's jelly. I was relieved to find that Ben had been very careful with the printing this time. There was just a small double up with some of the print in Gabby's article and Sunshine's pub announcement. Sunshine's ad now says:

Saturday, 14 July

Went to the Town Hall this afternoon. Mum was meeting with the CWA ladies to judge the Amazing Cake Crumb Pictures competition. Heaps of other kids were there with their mums too.

Everyone was talking about Mat's questionnaire in
The Bake Tribulation
. Most kids said they turned out to be either quite immature or totally immature, except for Matilda Jane, of course.

Worms and Lucy weren't sure how they would act if a boy asked them out on a date. Lucy said it would depend on whether or not the boy liked rabbits. Worms said it would depend on whether or not the date was to a restaurant with one of those buffets where you could eat as much as you like.

Mat rolled her eyes at Worms and said the questionnaire was only meant for
girls
. Ben, Nick and Tom said
they
had all done it and turned out to be mature, attractive and intelligent.

Mat said that anyone who wrote a romance serial like part four of ‘Heart's Triumph' could not possibly be mature, attractive or intelligent. It was a complete and utter disaster written by a total maniac.

Ben said he'd have to be more mature, attractive and intelligent than anyone with a
green face and a scab the size of Tasmania on their chin. He
does
have a point there.

Mat burst out crying and ran outside. I found her under the tank stand half an hour later, eating a whole jam sponge roll. When she'd finished, the crumbs stuck to the plate were exactly the same shape as the scab on her chin. Amazing!

Sunday, 15 July

The foxes haven't returned.

Wes and Fez are still here.

Which makes me think that Mum actually meant the
foxes
when she said we had to get rid of them once and for all. Darn it! I hate these constant disappointments.

Sophie and I have faded to a pale shade of green. A couple of days and we should be back to normal. Wes and Fez might take a bit longer. They don't call them permanent markers for nothing.

Wes and Fez spent the afternoon drawing moustaches, glasses and vampire teeth on all the models in Sophie's fashion magazines. She freaked and said they were totally immature. Wes and Fez ran outside laughing so hard that they snorted like pigs.

Wrapped up a copy of
The Bake Tribulation
to post to Miss McKenzie tomorrow. I'm hoping it will be the last one I have to send. Maybe she will be able to read the next edition right here in Hardbake Plains!

Monday, 16 July

Mum took Sophie and me in to Dubbo today to go birthday shopping for Dad and Peter. Peter turns seventeen tomorrow. Dad's birthday is on the twenty-first.

We bought Peter a hat that has a real crocodile-skin band around it, a big jar of chocolate-coated peanuts and a red doona cover for his bed at boarding school. We bought Dad a new bow for his violin and a pair of blue flannelette pyjamas exactly the same as mine. Mum also got me a box of chocolates to use for a birthday treasure hunt.

Peter found a dead rat for Wes and Fez while we were out today. It's a bit squashed from being under a hay bale, but Wes and Fez are ecstatic. They've drawn glasses and a moustache on its face and called it Smart Rat.

‘You can tell he's smart because of his glasses,' said Wes.

‘And the wise look on his face,' said Fez.

‘He's not as brave as Super Rat,' said Wes.

‘But he's heaps smarter,' said Fez.

Yeah, right.

Tuesday, 17 July — Happy birthday, Peter!

Started the day with pancakes and presents for Peter. Wes and Fez had eaten all the chocolate-coated peanuts and filled the jar back up with rabbit poo. Now
there's
something totally immature Matilda Jane didn't mention in her questionnaire.

Sophie and I made the best birthday cake ever — a big, brown yabby. Then I fixed up a treasure hunt. Found two dead foxes hanging up on the fence while I was burying the treasure down at the shearing shed. Dad's hung them there as a warning to the other foxes to stay away.

Maybe we should dangle Wes and Fez upside down from the clothesline to warn other naughty boys to stay away. It may not work, but it sure would feel good to give it a try …

Peter and Dad came in from the machinery shed when Mum got home from her CWA meeting. We ate cake and did the buried treasure
hunt. Dad followed the map as far as the hayshed and fell asleep on the top of the hay bales. Mrs Whittington walked all the way to the front gate with her shovel and dug out the Hillrose Poo sign.

Sophie and Peter are living proof that you learn nothing at boarding school. They thought they'd get to the treasure first by driving the old ute, and ended up at the back of the Hartleys' farm before they realised they'd taken a wrong turn somewhere.

Believe it or not, Wes, Fez and Smart Rat were the winners. They used their map and compass perfectly until they got to the spot where I had buried the treasure. They couldn't be bothered digging, so they used some of Xiu's leftover firecrackers to blow a hole in the dirt. The box of chocolates was totally blown to bits.

Wes and Fez came home covered in little shreds of coloured foil, chocolate flakes and splatters of caramel, strawberry cream and nougat. Gertrude, Mildred and Doris appeared from nowhere, barrelled them over and licked every last speck of chocolate from their faces and clothes.

Mildred chewed Smart Rat's front leg off. It had been covered in orange cream filling. It was just like Edmund and the wild haggis all over again.

Wednesday, 18 July

Smart Rat doesn't seem too troubled by his missing leg. He spent all day sitting on the lounge studying the dictionary.

Bucket delivered an article from Betty Simpson for the next
Bake Tribulation
today. ‘Crumbs alive' reports on the CWA's Amazing Cake Crumb competition. It was a very strong field with photos of crumbs in the shape of many different things, including Germany, New South Wales, Father O'Malley's ear, the Opera House and three men panning for gold. But Mrs Love's marble cake crumbs in the shape of a five-legged sheep was the clear winner. It was such a success that the CWA have decided to run an Amazing Vegetables in the Shape of Famous People competition in November when we have the Garden and Flower Show.

Got hungry this afternoon and started nibbling on Peter's chocolate-coated peanuts. Yuck! I hate it when I forget to be on guard against Wes and Fez's stupidity.

Thursday, 19 July

Had a great time at the pub this evening. Heaps of people turned up for the Friendship Night
wearing their undies back to front. A few people, including Peter, Wes and Fez, wore their undies over the top of their clothes, just so everyone could be sure that they had them on back to front. Dad, Mr Hartley and Mr Sweeney wore their undies on their heads.

Sunshine was as grumpy as a bear with a burr in its bum. He said we were lowering the tone of the pub.

Gabby was most upset about the risk to everyone's health. She ran around yelling, ‘Didn't anyone read my article?'

Mat was in a foul mood. Not only was she surrounded by a whole community of totally immature people, she was still furious about Ben turning ‘Heart's Triumph' into a horror story. She said he had ruined everything by putting in all that violence and robbing Edmund of his arm so that he can't hug Elizabeth properly.

Ben smirked and said, ‘Edmund's all right — 'e's 'armless.'

I laughed so hard that I snorted like a pig. I really couldn't help it.

Mat wasn't amused.

Friday, 20 July

Received an ad from Sunshine for the paper today:

Flipper has made a new friend. Smart Rat sat under the tree house all afternoon reading
An Encyclopaedia of Dinosaurs
while Wes, Fez, Sophie and I made a camp fire. Flipper snuggled up to Smart Rat and cooed happily. It's the first time he's been out and about since the soccer match.

Petal is really jealous. She's spent weeks ignoring Flipper, but now he has a new friend she wants him back. She kept waddling back and forth, wagging her tail feathers angrily at Smart Rat. She pecked the corner off the page on stegosauruses.

We sat around the fire all evening, toasting marshmallows and singing the silly songs the Colonel had taught us. I made up my own song just for fun:

Wes and Fez were really angry. Fez covered Smart Rat's ears and Wes glared at me.

‘You're mean, Blue,' said Wes.

‘And gross,' said Fez.

‘You need to think before you act,' said Wes.

‘And stop being so immature,' said Fez.

They stormed off inside with Smart Rat. Flipper tumbled after them, trying to keep up. Petal waddled after Flipper.

Sophie and I burst out laughing. I laughed so hard I snorted a bit of melted marshmallow out my nose. Gerty snuffled it up and ate it.

Gross!!

Saturday, 21 July — Happy birthday, Dad!!

Sophie and I spent all day making a farm birthday cake for Dad. We made a big, flat chocolate cake and covered it with grass, sheds, a tractor and sheep. The sheds were made of biscuits, the tractor was from our Lego and the
sheep were made from marshmallows and toothpicks.

I accidentally splashed Sophie with the green food colouring when we were dyeing the coconut for the grass. Her face ended up covered in green freckles. They won't come off.

Wes and Fez were dead jealous. They said Sophie looked even cooler than when she was green all over, and started drawing coloured freckles on their own faces with felt-tip pens. Sophie thought they were making fun of her and got really cross. She grabbed Smart Rat by the neck and flushed him down the toilet.

The toilet clogged and overflowed, bringing up a whole heap of soggy toilet paper. While we were running around mopping up the mess, Petal flew up onto the kitchen bench and ate all the grass off the farm cake.