Resilient (2) (21 page)

She had yet to look at him. It was as if looking at his face would make this real, and right now she hadn’t the slightest idea how to handle her current situation.
 

Maybe if I don’t see his face, this isn’t happening. It’s all a drug-induced hallucination.

“Look at me, please.”
 

Shit.

She turned her head as silent tears streamed slowly down her cheeks. He was so close. She could have reached out, touched his face, smelt his skin. But she did none of those things. She lay frozen. Even in the dark she could make out the brilliance of the green that had captivated and mesmerized her all those months ago. The shuddered exhale that escaped her mouth was not planned, but she was powerless to prevent it. He ran his finger tips over her swollen cheek that now blushed with blues and purples. His eyes were shining with tears not shed. He’d lost the privilege of crying at her bedside as far as she was concerned.

“Katrine.” It came out breathy and deep. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier. I just found out this morning and I came as soon as I knew. All they told me was you were hit by a car and that you were in the hospital. That’s all I had time to hear. I was on the plane an hour later.” It was true. When the email came through, he had dropped everything. He didn’t pack or change clothes. Ellenor made the arrangements as he was en route to the airport. He spent the last few hours waiting, no, hiding was more like it. Until her last visitor left. And now here he stood.

“Having a private plane has it benefits.”
 

“I would have flown coach for you…”

He looked down for a minute and his cheek raised in a shy grin. It was enough though, she saw the dimple. “I thought he would never leave. Ian, right?” Katrine nodded, trying to process that he was really in her room, touching her face, sharing the same oxygen. “Does he take good care of you?”
 

“Yes.” Her voice sounded small and her throat was dry. Xander nodded once and gave her a weak smile.

“How did you know, Xander?” His name sounded so strange on her tongue. It made her stomach ache along with everything else that was aching already.

His smile dropped. “I received a message from your office.” Even though they were only together for a few months, she had grown adept at reading him. She could tell there was something he was holding back.

She pushed the button by her bed that brought her into an upright position, then she crossed her arms. “I haven’t seen or talked to you in close to a year, and the first time we do, you’re being evasive. If you hadn’t noticed, I’m a little busy being beat to hell, so cut the shit or get out of my room.” The emotions of the last 48 hours were taking their toll and he was going to get the brunt of it. In her mind he was the perfect target.

“Okay, don’t get mad…” Never in the history of man has that statement been followed up by anything good. “The receptionist in your office reports to me.”

“Reports to you… about me?” He nodded.

Fucking Jaimie, I knew it!

“I wanted to know how you were doing, not
what
you were doing. I wasn’t spying, I swear. It made me feel connected to you. But now that I’m saying it out loud, it sounds creepy.” He shook his head and his hair fell in his eye, his thick beautiful hair. Katrine knew how soft it was first hand. She closed her eyes and stopped herself from going there. But she was finding it harder to stay focused. Visions of him naked were quickly replaced with visions of giving him a throat punch.
 

“The way Jaimie frisked me for every detail sure felt like spying to me, Xander. God, what is wrong with you!” This reunion was going south quicker than she’d wanted, but the nerve of this guy. Later, when she had time to think about it, she would realize she was kind of flattered that he still cared what she was doing. But not now. At this moment all she felt was angry and betrayed—again.

“Get out!”

“Katrine, please, I was so worried. I couldn’t get here fast enough.”

“Get in your fancy jet and get the hell out of my face!” Her chest was heaving and she was sure at any moment Gwen would come running in. He’d probably paid her off, too. Speaking of…

“So, did you give her money to spy on me or was this a sexual transaction? You just love to have sex with your employees, don’t you?”
 

He flinched. She might as well have slapped his face.

Whoa, that was harsh. Even if it’s a little true.

Katrine was not being herself. It must have been a combination of the narcotics and the fatigue. She felt possessed.

“I’m sorry, that was uncalled for. I appreciate you coming all this way, but all I want to do is sleep. So if you wouldn’t mind…” She lowered her bed and looked up at the ceiling once more.
 

He leaned down and kissed her lightly on the lips. It took every ounce of her remaining strength to not open her mouth to him.
 

“Get well, Katrine. I’m glad you’re okay… Seeing you has been…” He touched her cheek and turned to leave.

No, don’t leave. I love you!

“When are you heading back?” she asked, her voice soft once again.

“Tonight.
 
I won’t be checking in on you anymore, I’m sorry about that.”
 

She softly sighed. “Thank you. It was thoughtful of you to come.”

“Goodbye, Katrine.” He walked back over and kissed her cheek.

“Bye, Xander,” she whispered and watched him leave.

“It was good to see you, too,” Katrine said to her now empty room. Her sobbing filled the silence until she could no longer stay conscious.

The next morning Maddie came to check in before she went to see her first client. When she saw her puffy-eyed sister, she ran to Katrine’s side.
 

“What happened? Did you have bad scan result? What?”

Katrine grabbed Maddie’s hand and squeezed. “Xander, he was here last night.”

That’s all she had to say. Maddie nodded grimly and squeezed her hand back. The thing about their bond was that sometimes—most of the time—they didn’t need words or explanations.
 

“Now what?” Maddie asked, her voice soft.

“Now nothing.”
 

All of Katrine’s tests came back clear, no inter-cranial bleeding or swelling, and after three days in the hospital, she was released. She had a job she loved and a semester to finish up, so when she heard they were releasing her, she almost flew out of her bed. Well, flew like a bird with very bruised parts. Moving around was still difficult, so the doctor ordered her to stay in bed for the duration of the week. Absolutely under no circumstances was she to go to work until the following week. Katrine was fine with that as long as the bed she had to stay in was her own. Her focus would be to put this horrible ordeal behind her, including the unexpected visit from Xander. She decided it was best to keep it from Ian. There was no sense in getting him worked up about it.
 

Ian drove her home. When he tucked her into bed, he sat down next to her.

“Do you want me to call in? I could stay with you if you want.”

Katrine grabbed his hand. “I’ll be fine. I’m going to take a pain pill and pass out. Maddie’s coming by later this afternoon and Teddy will be here after practice. I’m covered. Thank you for the offer.”

“Can I get you anything before I go?”

“I couldn’t eat another bite of the food in that place. Would you mind warming me up some of the soup Jane brought over?”

He kissed her and smiled. “I’ll be right back.”

What an amazing guy, I am so lucky.

PART TWO

Chapter 21

Katrine put her head against the cool glass. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath. The lyrics of “Grand Optimist” by City and Colour seemed to soak into her skin. Music was always a good distraction from her own thoughts. Today it wasn’t working as well as she’d hoped. Despite her best efforts, the memory she was trying so hard to suppress would not let her go. It still made her sick to her stomach and brought tears to her eyes. That would go down as one of the worse days of her life, one she would never be proud of, and one she would never completely get over…

The weeks following the accident were strange. The physical healing was easy, getting back into her routine was not. She’d changed from the ordeal and was having trouble adjusting. It wasn’t the accident as much as the incident,. Maddie said she was suffering from PTXD, post traumatic Xander disorder. She was right in a way. She’d spent weeks kicking herself, going over all of the things she wished she’d said. Wished she’d done. But what could she do about it now? Drugged, hurt, and tired were not a reunion conducive combo.

The first semester was under her belt and she was looking forward to a summer off. Her group got an A on their marketing project and she got an A overall, the same with economics. She’d made a few close friends as a result, Mila and Hayden especially. Graduate school had proved to be very draining, so she found herself wondering if she really needed the degree. She was moving up in her department and her director said it didn’t matter to her. Katrine was still on the fence.

She volunteered for every project she could get her hands on at work in the hopes that keeping busy would keep her from thinking about
him
every second, but to no avail. She’d sit at her desk and her mind would drift. Images would flash in and out like a movie montage.
 

Midnight strip poker on his balcony. Laughing how it was a win win, no matter what.

Forcing him to hum “You are my Sunshine” before bed because it was her favorite.

Getting caught in the sprinklers on a run together, deciding to stay and get soaked.

Thumb wars for the last piece of pizza.

Foot massages after a long day.

Long lazy Sunday afternoons tangled in the sheets.

And on and on…

How could two months hold so many memories? Those private moments that got blocked out by anger. But once the anger finally passed, she remembered, she remembered everything.

Daydreaming aside, she really wanted to make it work with Ian, so she pushed the other thoughts away and chose to focus on all the wonderful things about him. He was a great guy and he deserved a fighting chance. And that worked…for a few weeks. But like anything you try to suppress, eventually it bubbles to the surface.
 

Then Katrine tried to act like nothing had changed, that she was back to her old self, but her acting skills sucked at best. Ian was getting suspicious and there were only so many times she could say, “It’s nothing…I’m fine…It’s just the accident.” Finally she found herself avoiding him and making excuses. She was having a hard time pretending, and really, she didn’t want to pretend. That feeling started to outweigh the desire to avoid hurting him.

The final straw was when one night the man in her bed, inside her body, was not the man in her heart or her head. She knew she had one option and one option only, to come clean.

 
They had just come back from eating dinner. Katrine poured them a glass of wine. She did her best to relax into the couch cushions as Ian scrolled through the movies. Her knee bounced a little and her palms were sweating. It had been on the tip of her tongue all night, for days really.

 
“Ian, I have something to tell you.”

“Okay.” The look on his face was a combination of worry and curiosity. She chewed the inside of her lip.

How do I say this? How should I say this?
 

Oh, just say it!

“Xander came to visit me when I was in the hospital.”
 

There, she said it.

“What? When?”

“On that Monday. He waited until everyone left. Until you left.” She looked down at the hardwood floor and had a sinking feeling in the pit of her gut.

“So he came to visit. Why did you feel the need to keep it to yourself? You shouldn’t feel guilty about it. You can’t help that he came to see you.” He was always so reasonable and that just made it worse. She twisted her hands together and inhaled deeply.

“Katrine, just say it.” He used her name. He never did that and his impatient tone just added to her discomfort.

“I just wanted you to know. I should have told you before, sorry.”

You-are-a-chicken-shit.

He looked at her for a moment and then pulled her into his arms. “It’s no big deal, Katie-Mac. You were just trying to protect my feelings. That’s why I love you. You have the kindest heart of anyone I know.” Ian placed a soft kiss on her head. Oh, if that were only true. Katrine wished for once he would be an asshole. That would make this a whole lot easier. Anger was lube for difficult conversations. But going the angry route would be a cop out and she knew it. It shouldn’t be easy. She deserved every chest pain and every chunk that threatened to creep up her esophagus.

She pushed up and looked into his handsome face and vivid blue eyes. Her heart was at war with itself. Warring between melting into him and the honesty that was so desperately trying to break free.
 

He watched her like he had access to her soul and all of the private thoughts within. But he wasn’t going to make this easy for her. Nope, he wanted her to say it. Did that make him an asshole? No, it made him a man with pride.

“I can’t stop thinking about him. I wonder what if every day. And Ian, the what if is keeping me from being in this completely. It’s keeping me from really being the one you deserve. Because you deserve a whole heart that is yours and yours alone. I’m afraid I just don’t have that to give. I tried, but he ruined that. I hate it, but he did.” She had no control over the tears that trickled like a stream down her cheeks. Her heart was breaking, but she knew his was splintering. She wanted to tell him she loved him and to ask him if they could still be friends, but thought better of it. That generic platitude would only insult him. So she was left with, “I love you, I do, but… I’m just so sorry.”