Resilient (2) (36 page)

“I mean, in theory it’s nice. It seems to work in songs and movies, but in my life I have to look at all of the factors,” Katrine added.

“How very pragmatic of you, sis.”
 

“I know, Mads. It sounds like I’m over-analyzing.”

“Sounds like? Gorgeous, psychiatrists analyze less than you. But we love you, anyway.” Tristan smiled and blew her a kiss.

“What about you, Paige? You’re usually the voice of reason, any thoughts?”

“Well, I certainly see where you’re coming from. I think if he lived here we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Socio-economic differences aside, I think the distance is going to be your biggest obstacle.”
 

 
Katrine appreciated her use of big words in a time of crisis.

“It sounds like he had a good explanation for everything. But the bottom line is, do you trust him?” Charlie asked.

“Yes, I trust him. But I trust everybody. That’s why I’m always blindsided when people screw me over. You think I’d get a bit cynical and jaded by now.”

“No!” her friends said collectively.

“Don’t you even think about it! Your openness and ability to trust and love so easily is one of your best qualities. The spot for bitchy and cynical is already taken in this group,” Maddie said. They all looked at Charlie.

“Fuck off, you fuckers. I’m not bitchy or cynical, I just have a lower bullshit tolerance than most.” They all were still looking at her. “Fine, I’m the bitch, but at least I’m not the slut.” They all turned and looked at Izzie.

“What? That’s not fair,. I have sex as much as any of you…it’s just never with the same person.” They all still looked at her. “Fine! I’m the slut.”

“Ah, sweetie, it doesn’t matter that your legs are open more than a 7-Eleven. I’ll co-chair the slut position with you,” Tristan teased. “Besides, they’re just jealous. They’re stuck with plain potato chips and we, my love, have the variety pack. It’s raining men and I refuse to open my umbrella, honey!”

“Oh, Tristan, I love when you get all ‘two snaps in a circle’ on us.” Maddie laughed, doing the movement. “Besides, you can’t be co-slut. You’re the token gay best friend.” Tristan nodded with a smile. “Which one are you, then?” he asked Maddie.

“I’m the spunky sister that says all of the things people are thinking, but are too embarrassed to say themselves. Well, besides Charlie, but that’s what makes her bitchy.”

“So I’m bitchy, but your spunky? How in the hell is that fair?” Charlie griped.

“I don’t make the rules, Charlie…It’s just one of those things.” Maddie shrugged her shoulders and took a drink.

“Speaking of potato chips, I could really use a snack,” Katrine said. They all agreed that a trip to the kitchen was in order. They stood at the island gorging themselves on anything they could find in the pantry.
 

“Guys, I had a horrible thought on the flight home. What if deep down, I’m afraid to commit? I thought I was over the betrayal, my marriage, and then Xander, but maybe I’m not over it after all. Why else would I be sabotaging a relationship with this amazing man? Am I creating drama where there isn’t any?”

“You’re a woman, that’s what we do best,” Paige teased. “It doesn’t sound like you’re being dramatic to me. I would have been upset if I were in your shoes. What happened at the party was kind of messed up. You’re concerned if you fit in with his life. That’s valid, too.”

“I agree. I would have handled it the same way,” Charlie agreed. “Well, after I pushed that Victoria bitch into the pool, given the dad a throat punch, and then told Xander that if I ever saw him touching that slut again he’d be eating through a straw. But then…
then
I would have gone up to my room.” They all were laughing. One, it was funny as hell. And two, Charlie would have totally done all of those things.

“Sis, the bottom line is that you have to ask yourself if he’s worth the risks. There are no guarantees, if that’s what you’re wanting. Is long distance going to be hard? Yes. Is it going to make him miss you and fuck your brains out every time you get to see each other? Yes. Is he from a rich family that’s used to the finer things in life? Yes. Does that mean awesome presents and vacations for you? Yes. Is he hot? Yes. Can he be a big dick? Yes. Does he have a big dick? Yes…All signs point to yes. I think my work here is done.”

“Thank you, Madeline. That was vaguely insightful and completely confusing…One minute you want to see him in a full body cast and now you’re pleading his case?” Katrine was confused.

“Let’s just say we have an understanding, he and I. Plus I’ve never seen you more in love than you are with him. I’ve never seen you as happy as he makes you. And despite my previous opinions, I can tell that he’s deeply in love with you. I mean balls deep, sis.”
 

“Maddie, your wisdom gives me whiplash. But thank you.”

“Speaking of whiplash, did I tell you what happened to me the other night?” Charlie began. “No? Okay, so Michael and I were having sex…”

Her friends…they were loyal and trustworthy. Those two characteristics were high on Katrine’s list. Sure they were a crazy bunch, but she wouldn’t want it any other way.

Two weeks had passed since her trip to Connecticut. Katrine and Maddie took Teddy to New Mexico to visit their parents as planned. They did visit tons of art galleries, much to Teddy’s chagrin. But Santa Fé was more than Native American art. It was flavorful southwestern food and old churches. It was shopping and kayaking. Antique meets new age. There was a positive and peaceful energy about the place that Katrine loved. It’s what drew her parents there over a decade before.
 

 
Katrine went on a hike one afternoon. She found a large rock on the edge of a trail and decided to have a seat. The air was thinner, but her need for deeper breathes was lessened by the peaceful feeling that settled over her. Surrounded by pines and a blue sky that knew infinity by name, she meditated. The topic of her meditation was Xander and her future. They had spoken several times during the break, that morning, in fact. He’d said that this trip would give her some valuable time to think. He seemed to be getting nervous, expecting the worst, to be sure. He asked that she not make any final decisions until they were able to see each other again. So that’s how she found herself on a rock absorbing the picturesque surroundings. An immense bird with dark brown feathers glided left to right and back again. Katrine watched and admired its carefree grace.
 

“All I need now is a John Denver tune.” She chuckled and started to hum “Country Road”.

Picking up a large smooth stone, she tossed it out into the tree-lined gorge. Clicks of twigs and leaves followed as it made its way down the slope. She’d missed him something fierce. She’d missed his smell, his smile, his hands, his mouth, his laugh…just everything.
 

So what the hell was she doing?
 

She had a hard time taking pragmatism out of decision making, even in matters of the heart. Maddie was the ‘throw caution to the wind, who cares where I land’ one in the family. She wished she were more like her sister sometimes.
 

It was never a question of love or chemistry or want. It was a question of long term feasibility. Katrine shook her head.

Feasibility? It’s a relationship, not a marketing proposal.

The time to mess around was over. It was time to bring out the big guns. It was time…to talk to her parents.

“Katrine, hand me the lavender, please.” Her mother knelt in front of her large English style garden, huge hat on her head and bright green gardening gloves protecting her hands. Her mother was her mirror image, save a few more wrinkles. Her arms were toned and brown from toiling away in her garden for hours on end. The climate was mild in the summer, but only the sturdiest grasses and flowers made it through the cold winter months. But if she had to plant all over again after the snow melted, that was fine with her. It was her favorite pastime, tending to their backyard oasis.

“That, I can get you. It’s one of the few I can identify.” Katrine brought back the requested flowers and sat cross-legged while her mom dug in the dark soil. She watched Teddy and Maddie kick the soccer ball back and forth at the other end of the expansive yard. Maddie wasn’t very sporty, so seeing her run and kick the ball was very entertaining. Her long limbs should have been graceful like a gazelle, but she looked more like a chicken.
 

“So Mom, can I ask you some advice?” She didn’t ask often, and from the surprised and excited look on her mom’s face, that much was obvious. Letting her mom in on the details of her love life was a tricky proposition, but she had to take a chance.

Her mom continued to work as she absorbed the story and details of Katrine’s situation. Without preamble, she said, “Katrine, any man worth having, is worth fighting for. I think people these days think everything is supposed to be easy and wonderful all the time. But love, it’s hard. It’s work. And anyone that says otherwise is selling fiction… But, if you do it right. Ahhh, there’s nothing like it. You think your father came out of the box like that? No way, I had to mold him, as he molded me.” Her mom started digging a deep hole without skipping a beat. “We grew as separate people first. Then and only then were we able to grow together. It’s okay to have differences. It’s essential to have you own life and your own identity. I think you lost that in your first marriage, darlin’. It’s nothing to ashamed of, it happens to the best of people. I think now you have it figured out, who you are. What you want out of life. You’re going to be just fine. Of that I have no doubts.” She tilted her head, causing her hat to flop over, and winked.

“Thanks, Mom.”

 
The sun was setting and the air was getting crisp, heavy with the scent of piñón and grilling steaks. Connor MacNamara lit a large copper fire pit on their deck. His large frame was illuminated by the orange flames. He gave the fire a few pokes and when he was satisfied with the tinder, he took a seat in a large wooden chair beside his daughter. She loved the delicate crease beside his hazel eyes and the silver strands at his temple. He was a man of few words, but the few words he chose were usually well thought out and to the point. This moment was no exception. “Follow your heart, butter bean. It’s always been in direct contact with that head of yours, so you can’t go wrong. Not to say nothing will go wrong. But you can be sure you made the right decision for yourself at the time, regardless of the outcome.”
 

She pushed out of her chair and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “Thanks, Daddy. You always have a way of making me feel like a grown up and your little girl at the same time. I love you…When are those steaks going to be ready, old man? I’m starving.”

Chapter 37

After a lot of advice, much deliberation, and soul searching, she made the call. When she got his voice mail for the fourth time, she called his office.
 

“Hello, dear. He’s in Seattle and he’ll be in meetings all day. He said he would be heading home tonight though,” Ellenor told her. If Katrine had actually picked up her phone to talk to him in the last couple of days, she would have known he was out of town.
 

Palm slap to the head.

“Thank you. I’ll just try him back tomorrow.”

She called him again, leaving a message this time. “Xander, hey it’s me. I need to see you if you can fit it in. What needs to be said should be said in person. If you can come down here, that would be easier for me, but let me know. See you soon.”

Well, nothing to do but wait…

Fours hours of waiting and nothing,. Katrine was starting to squirm a little. If she didn’t get this off her chest, she feared she wouldn’t get the outcome she wanted. Now that she thought about it, her message did sound like she was going to break up with him. She’d meant to keep it neutral. She didn’t want to spook him. Now she’d be lucky if he even called her back. Who flies across the country to get dumped? Not him. But he said he wanted to see her in person before any decisions were made. She needed to see him, she just had to. Should she call him back? What would she say? She cursed under her breath. Usually she’d shout it out, but Teddy was in his room.
 

Patient, just be patient. He’ll call you back and you can set something up.

She let out a deep, calming breath and decided to start dinner. The water on the stove was starting to boil and she was putting in the angel hair pasta when her phone dinged.

 
Just arrived. Talk to you later.

She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she was hoping for a little more warmth.
 

Sorry about my voice mail it didn’t come out the way I wanted it to.

It’s ok, I get it.

This was what she was afraid of. This was going to blow up in her face.
 

When can I see you?

Nothing.

“
Damn it!” She hoped Teddy had his head phones on.

“I heard that, Mom!” he yelled.
 

No such luck.

“Sorry, sweetie, I burned my hand!” she yelled back. He came in a few moments later.

“You okay? Is it bad?”
 

“Um, no, it’s fine.” She was regretting her white lie. “Want to make the salads?” He nodded and then began their ritual. Veggies beside the cutting board, large white bowls waiting to be filled.

“Mom, I think I heard a knock on the door.”

“It must be your dad. He’s not supposed to be here until eight. Must have finished up early.” He looked up at her, hands full of mixed greens. “It’s okay. You finish that and I’ll let him in.”
 

She threw the dish towel over her shoulder and went to get the door. She was in cropped yoga pants and a faded tank, her hair in a clip. But David had seen her look a lot worse and anyway, who the hell cared?
 

His wife uses a fork as a brush, so how good could her hair look?