River: A Novel (33 page)

 And then
there was Asher. Of course, I had to possibly travel to a different dimension
to find a guy I would finally fall for, and we might not live another night,
but I couldn’t believe how infuriatingly blissful I was. My emotions were wild
when remembering the flipside to that happiness. I cringed and opened my eyes when
I thought of the muting, the Speakers, and Petra. Of everyone who would be
unaccounted for when we reached the huts tomorrow night. 

 “What is it?”
Asher leaned back to look at me fully. It was nearly complete darkness in the
room; save for the shafts of light on the floorboards. 

 “It’s
nothing,” I said and yawned involuntarily. “Sorry. I’m just wiped out, but my
head isn’t very calm. How much time do we have?”

 “Almost two
hours. Does this mean I should leave?”

 “Well, I’m
not sure I can explain everything right to Danny—probably because I would have
no idea what to say. My head is sort of spinning.”

 “Understandable.”

 I freed a
hand and punched him lightly in the arm.

 Laughter
shook him as he held me closer, placing my head on his chest. I definitely
didn’t want him to leave. I didn’t want this time to be over. A never-ending two
hours—
that
was what I wanted.

 “Why don’t
you tell me more about where you come from?” Asher asked in a quiet voice. It
seemed he was trying to take my mind off things, which was exactly what I
needed.

 I told him
about little things like the giant soft pretzels with mustard and corner delis.
Bigger things like the buildings, bridges, and parks, the immensity of New York
City. How it was the only city I’ve ever known. It was my home. 

 During my
historical recitation of Ellis Island, I dozed off. As I dreamed of fences and waters’
edges, Asher nudged me awake into pearl gray light. 

 “Oh,” I said
as I squeezed my eyes open and closed, trying to wake them up while fumbling
around for my glasses. “Sorry.”

 His lips brushed
my temple, and I mentally kicked myself for falling asleep. When would I be
alone with him again? 

 “It’s perfectly
all right—I just hate waking you. You must be so tired.”

 My eyes
cleared just then, and I saw Asher. He had become a different person to me. What
could I say to tell him of this change? Did I keep it to myself? The anatomy of
my feelings was so alien that I had no way of dissecting it. This was something
from a different plane of existence. He was holding my eyes just as the
streetlamps went out; the soft glow had been streaming over us. Asher blinked
just at that moment, as mesmerized as I was.

 When he
helped me up and laced my hands with his, my heart leaped in my chest, making
me gasp. Watching the puzzlement on my face, he let go, and I had to balance
against the wall.

 “So, do you
trust me now?” I said in a way that I wasn’t used to: breathlessly. Was I flirting?
I cowered into the plaster.

 “Still
thinking about it.”

 Asher
didn’t smile. His serious expression was trying to convey something vital to
me. Self-conscious, I stared at my feet. I didn’t know if he was still looking
at me, but I felt something. Something different that had never been. I tried
to keep it tethered; it was so new, though, and uncontrollable. Fixing my hands
to try and stand on my own, I gathered my bearings. 

 Unsure of
what to say, I only knew that I had to look up. Staring at my shoes was getting
the situation nowhere. After taking a breath, I straightened my neck and closed
my eyes. When I opened them, he was gone.

 A knock at
the door made me jump with my hands frozen, splayed wide against the wall. 

  D-A-N

 Sighing, I
pushed myself off to greet my friend, at once eager to see him and reluctant to
leave the space where I could still feel Asher. I only hoped that his escape
artistry would be enough for the rebels of River.

.................

Danny was
going on and on about the doorman so rapidly that I lost focus in deciphering
his lightening quick signs. It wasn’t that I didn’t care; my head was just
throbbing from the after effects of the anti-Lull and the Lulling itself. Only
I couldn’t tell him about my hangover. I’d decided to leave Asher out of our
discussion. Though daydreaming about him was an excellent distraction from the
fear of performing later. I just assumed that Dan would be… upset. And the last
thing he needed was to think about anything other than what was going down today.
Dan was essential to this plan. Losing him would be devastating, not just to
me, but to the innocent people who wanted to escape. So, I acted as though
nothing had happened in the night and blamed my current exhaustion on insomnia
caused by stage fright. Massive, mind-consuming stage fright. 

 Downing a
third cup of coffee, I noticed Dan staring at me.

 “What is
it?” My tired eyes blurred as I whispered under the music we had playing.

 
Is
there something you want to tell me, Elodie?

 I froze. What
had he been signing a minute ago? Racking my brain, all I could remember of the
last fifteen minutes was my fantasy of living with Asher indefinitely in one of
the little huts. Shaking my head spastically, I blurted out the first thing
that came to mind.

 “Do you know
anything about the outskirts of River?”

 What do you want to know?

 “Why the
Lulling is so much stronger coming back into town than leaving it.”

 Danny
peered at me, and I kicked myself for giving away too much. Pretending to be
confused by my own question, I scrambled for an explanation. “I remember the
first day I came here. The Lulling almost took me down, but I made it through. I
would think that it would be the other way around, though with the anti-Lull…” I
trailed off, and then waited for him to catch the huge hole in my story. According
to Dan, I hadn’t left River since I’d stumbled into it over a week ago. He
didn’t seem to notice the slip and answered my question with scientific
indifference.

 
Chemicals
in the brain are smarter than the human psyche.
They recognize that it
is not a good idea to cross the threshold into
a place full of Lulling and almost force the body to
turn around, especially if one has already been affected by it.
Leaving River
is somewhat easier because the brain
and
chemical make-up in the body
want to leave
.

 We stared
at one another, and under the layers of guilt I felt by keeping secrets from
Danny, I was thrilled to have picked out the word “threshold” from his signing.
I sipped my coffee and nodded as though he’d explained it all. As if we needed another
reason to leave River. At least our bodies were all for it.

 Lost in
thought, I wasn’t sure how long I’d gazed into my coffee cup before light,
musical drumming on the kitchen table drew my attention. Jumping slightly, I
glanced up at Danny in a sheepish way. He raised his eyebrows as if to
acknowledge my slipup before signing to me again.

 What
were you doing last night?
You seem out of it
.

 Though unable
to make eye-contact with him, I still caught the keen stare of New Dan that Old
Dan never had. They were both brilliant, but New Dan was much more sober. A little
less self involved. Definitely more observant. I went for the most truth I
could admit to him without giving my secrets away.

 “I worried
about tonight.”

 The tapping
on the table could’ve been the
Tell-Tale Heart
, for the guilt was just
about making me crazy.

   D-O  N-O-T  W-O-R-R-Y

 My sleep-deprived
mind took over, making me reveal things I knew I would regret.

 “I spent
last night with the Caravs, Danny. Gwendolyn, Asher, and the rest. Mostly Asher.”

 The tapping
stopped as I careened toward a curve in our friendship. 

 “It started
as a misunderstanding and ended with Asher showing me the refugee campsite.”

 His eyes
rounded to saucers as I nervously peeked over the edge of my glasses. Even
blurry, he looked awfully tense. And hurt.

 I bowed my
head and stared at the floor. The tapping started again.

    
I  W-I-S-H  I  C-O-U-L-D  H-A-V-E  G-O-N-E

 My
tentative smile to his resigned expression reminded me of the previous night
with Asher. He was beginning to be in my every thought. Confessing to Danny
made me feel that I could at least let my thoughts free. 

 “You’re not
mad?”

 Danny shook
his floppy hair and signed to me with the same serious face.

 
 Just
glad you are okay. Dangerous, you know
.

 I nodded
solemnly. “Asher seems to be practiced.”
At danger and escaping,
my
thought continued.

 
As if reading my mind,
Dan’s phrase could have had two meanings when he replied,
Tell me about it.

 I proceeded
to describe the huts; where they were generally at and how beautiful it was. I
edited out the part where Asher had kissed my hand, then my lips—that bit of
the story was more like a dream, anyway. Dan’s kiss the other night was making
a replay in my mind even as I spoke quietly of my adventure, and the memory
just made it clear to me that his affection was born of confusion. Possibly loneliness,
which made my heart ache for him, but I couldn’t be that way with Danny. We had
always been just good friends, best friends. Anything else would be a lie… at
least on my end.

 After my
short story was over, Danny sighed and pursed his lips, glancing at the clock. 

 “How long?”
I asked, heart pounding.

 
Exactly nine hours. The
performance
is
at seven, but we should be there by five.

 I gulped. 

 
Don’t worry, please, Lodie. I told you. I’ve got
this covered
.
Eyeing
him speculatively, I noticed that my nickname in sign resembled a question mark
drawn in the air. He leaned back in his chair with hands crossed behind his
head, shit-eating grin in place.

 We
concentrated then on the plan. Dan would start serving refreshments about half
an hour before the show with Gwen’s help. It turned out they had worked
together before in the composition studios. He was unquestionably in awe of her.
Gwen was apparently a savant when it came to composing, and had been the inspiration
behind much of Dan’s music. He explained that she always toned down her talent
in front of others, except when around Dan, and now he thought he knew why after
finding out she was a member of the Carav families. She didn’t want to call
attention to her group. I couldn’t wait for everyone to hear her sing,
especially Dan. Her stunning, haunting voice had been suppressed for far too
long.

 An integral
part of distributing anti-Lull, Gwen would stay at the refreshment table during
the performance. Danny started in on the intricacies of the Lulling device, and
I was completely lost for a time. After noticing my blank stare, he gave up and
asked me more about the night before. I continued to edit, though chronicled
the important points.

 His
composure broke more than once when I told him of my little adventure into the Underground.
First with Asher’s accidental blocking of my airways, next with Gwen’s hypnosis
(sans chanting), and culminating with the tarot cards, for lack of a better
term. I was very careful to leave out any mention that most of the Carav people
could speak, as that was not my secret to tell—though I knew we could trust
Danny. 

 I could
almost watch Dan’s wheels turning while he listened; obviously coming up with
hypotheses and connecting the dots. It was making me tired just listening to
myself—let alone imagining what he was coming up with in his mind. He had
endless questions, especially about the trancing. I was clueless to specifics
and completely exhausted, so the fact that I had not taken notes during my
incarceration was pretty annoying to him.

 Unable to
stop yawning, I decided to try to take a nap. It was still morning and coffee
was having zero effect on me, which wasn’t good, since I had to be extremely
awake at the end of the day. I was much calmer with Danny around. The rebellion
seemed far away—weeks, not hours, and my whole body hurt from the Lulling
hangover. So, burrowing into the white fluff of the sofa, I closed my eyes to a
stilled picture of Asher before falling asleep.

 My dream
was a near-silent movie, except for my panicking heart and rushing breaths, and
I wasn’t clear on the imagery. It could have been a trick of the light. Though
there was nothing but dim winter dusk.

 The
surroundings were peaceful, until the frenzied pounding of my escape echoed
back at me. I was startled by a short cry when I scrambled over the fence and
cut my hands.