Rock My World (29 page)

Alex felt
bad taking his anger out on her. For all the things that may have been her
fault, this wasn’t one of them. He sat on the corner of the bed and looked up
at her.

“Are you
sure?” he said, checking his phone. He had a couple minutes before the car came
to pick him up. He watched her shift her weight from side to side.

“Um, have
you talked to Jenna lately?”

“I just got
off the phone with her.”

“Oh. Well, I
know the tour is almost over and I …
 
before we go back to LA, I was just wondering if you’d thought about
what I said before,” she said, looking anywhere but at him.

“Which
part?” Now that he’d let her get started, he regretted it. He didn’t want to
have this conversation now.

“The part
about me loving you. I wanted to know… you know if you and Jenna decided not to
get back together … I don’t know. Would you ever consider being with me?” She
stood there, feeling naked, without anything to hide behind.

He sighed
and sunk his face into his hands. Thinking about the pain his little girl was
in, the mess he’d made of his marriage and his career, he couldn’t stand the
idea of causing more pain. He could spare a couple minutes to let her down
gently, or at least as long as it took the driver to call.

“Look, I
don’t feel comfortable discussing my marriage with you. Jenna and I have our
issues, but I know with absolute certainty that she’s the one I want.” He
looked up at her, watching her cheeks turn pink as she stared at the floor. “Look,
you’re a beautiful woman. You have incredible confidence, and that’s sexy.” She
looked up at him, a shy smile playing on her lips. “You’re ambitious and
driven. There’s no question you’re a catch for any guy with half a brain.” She
beamed up at him, seemingly forgetting about the rejection. He backtracked. “If
you’d just rely on those things and stop manipulating people, I think you’d be
surprised by the guys who would take interest.”

He watched
as her gaze strayed from his face back down to her feet. Her cheeks flushed
pink again and he thought he could see tears forming in the corners of her
eyes.
Shit, don’t cry
, he thought. He
stood up and gave her an awkward hug. She cried into his shoulder as he shushed
her the way he used to do with Felicity as a baby to calm her down. Eventually,
she pulled herself together and pulled back a little. Her blonde hair fell
around her shoulders, creating a small cave of space between their faces. She
kissed him softly on the mouth, with all the rarely surfacing tenderness she
possessed. He let her kiss him but pulled back, his hands on her shoulders. He
looked intently into her face.

“I have to
go now. Okay?”

She nodded.
He picked up his stuff and left the room.

It wasn’t
until he sat down on the plane that he finally had a chance to process what was
happening—with his poor little girl, his family, marriage,
career
. It was all such a mess.
 
He leaned back in his seat, his heart
aching to comfort Felicity, and cried.

Jackson Jones and Ira
Stearn
were a separate problem—heartless bastards, all of them—but they
could wait. He felt gutted that he couldn’t keep his daughter from pain, but at
least he could be there for her, whatever she needed.

Chapter
53

The memorial
was beautiful, somber. Jenna and Alex sat on either side of Felicity near the
front of the church auditorium. Jenna had never been inside a Unitarian church.
Its old world façade, though spectacular, seemed out of place in downtown LA.
The packed auditorium felt spacious with its high windows and sky-high
ceilings.

The Reverend
gave a heartfelt eulogy, reflective rather than preachy. As he spoke, her mind
wandered to Mrs. Parker and the excruciating pain she must be in. For self-preservation
purposes, Jenna couldn’t put herself in those shoes. The unimaginable cruelty
of losing a child was unbearable—it defied the laws of nature. She knew
it did—had—happened, but it felt surreal. Her heart constricted.

She’d never
met Mr. Parker but she’d heard enough stories to know he hadn’t been
particularly present in Trey’s life. If she remembered correctly, he’d given
Trey that motorcycle in the first place. She hoped Mrs. Parker had consented,
for both their sakes.

When the
Reverend finished, he asked if anyone else would like to speak. Trey had been
well liked by everyone, judging by the turnout. Jenna was looking around for
hands that didn’t go up when she saw Felicity stand. Instinctively, as she
watched her daughter walk up the aisle to the podium she grabbed Alex’s hand.
This was their first physical contact since she’d left. This wasn’t how she’d
imagined it.

Actually, she hadn’t really pictured it. She
supposed she thought he would apologize and that she may eventually forgive
him, but hadn’t allowed herself to imagine it in any detail, not trusting
herself to stay strong. Alex locked eyes with her and squeezed her hand. They
looked on, worried and awed by their daughter’s confidence, helpless.

“Trey was my
best friend. He was the most amazing person I’ve ever known. He could always
make me laugh … ” she sniffed, “no matter my mood. He was fun. He always
thought of the most random, greatest things to do.” She tried to steady her
shaking hands. She smoothed the crumpled speech on the podium and gasped for
breath. “He challenged me and listened to me and … loved me.” Felicity smiled
into the distance, breaking Jenna’s heart. She wanted to jump up to comfort
her, but Alex held her back, squeezing her shoulders.

“He inspired me to be a better version of myself,
leading by example. He would have done anything for his friends without asking
anything in return. He was the least judgmental person I’ve ever met. I will
miss his generosity of spirit and sweet, laid-back nature. He was the kind of
guy every girl wishes she had in her life. There was no one better. I am
grateful to have known him.”

Jenna looked
over at Alex, who dabbed a tear from the corner of his eye. She didn’t bother
trying to temper the tears streaking her cheeks. She looked on helplessly while
Felicity choked up, opening her mouth like she had more to say. Nothing came
out as heaving sobs took over. Jenna moved to get up but Alex kept his arm
around her in a firm embrace. Felicity stepped down, hugging Mrs. Parker for a
long time, their shoulders shuddering quietly.

Jenna
couldn’t wrap her head around the whole event. She watched her daughter sit
with her boyfriend’s mother, going through the most terrible time of her life,
unable to help.
 
And Alex was here
with her, holding her. It was all so Dali-
esque
.

After the
service, they went back to Anya and Shawn’s house. Felicity stayed with Mrs.
Parker to attend the smaller gathering of family at her house. Jenna hated not
staying by her side, but how could she deny her that closeness to his family? At
least it would give her and Alex a chance to talk, out of Felicity’s earshot.

“Man,” Alex
said, slumping into the overstuffed armchair in the living room, throwing his
feet up on the ottoman. Jenna took the couch next to him, tucking her legs beneath
her,
head leaned back against the padding.

“You know
the worst part?” Alex said.

“Hmm?”

“All I could
think was, ‘I’m so glad it wasn’t Felicity.’
 
Isn’t that awful?”

“It is. But
it’s impossible not to put yourself in Mrs. Parker’s shoes. I can’t imagine … ”

They settled
into silence, lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Jenna delved into the
unavoidable.

“What are we
going to do?” she asked, emphasizing “we.”

“You know
what I want.”

“We can’t
just go back to how it was,” she said.

“Can’t we
just say, we screwed it up but let’s start over?” He leaned forward, taking her
hands in his.

“Hang on.
What do you mean, ‘we’?” She tilted her head to one side, eyes wide.

“Just … I
mean, come on. Don’t I deserve the benefit of the doubt? Yes, I screwed up in
high school and I can understand that finding out when you did was hard. I get that.”
He said, holding his hands up in a “hear me out” gesture. “But I’ve always been
faithful. I have always loved and supported you.”

“
You
supported my supporting you.
My staying home to raise our daughter.
You didn’t support my
return to modeling. Or encourage me to have any dreams at all. That’s great you
didn’t cheat on me … after we were married. That’s my silver lining?” Jenna stood,
hands shaking with rage.

 
“You never had dreams for me to support. That’s
not my fault! And you hated modeling; you told me how superficial it was and
how bitchy they were. I’m sorry that I thought you were happy. You didn’t tell
me, so how the fuck was I supposed to know?”
 
Alex stood, facing Jenna, chest heaving.

“I shouldn’t have to tell you,” she said, crossing
her arms.

“Like you didn’t tell me you were going off to
Tahoe with Zach,” he said, not quite under his breath.

“What?”

“You heard me. You didn’t waste any time finding a
guy to fawn over you. Did you sleep with him?”

“Wow,” Jenna said, “I can’t believe you have the
gall to ask that.”

“That’s not an answer.”

“Here’s an answer? Go fuck yourself!” she spat,
storming out of the room.

Chapter
54

 
Sitting in front of the computer, Jenna
stared at the screen, replaying the fight with Alex in her head. Their issues
were so much deeper than she’d realized. She couldn’t come up with a solution.
And if they couldn’t reconcile, was she ready to divorce him?

Her long practiced habit of procrastination kicked
in, forcing her hand to click on unopened emails.
It can’t hurt
.

Junk. Junk. Junk.
No, I don’t need my massive penis to claim my million dollars
…
Delete.
Oh! Here’s one from Noelle
.
Open.

From: Noelle
Enfin

To: Jenna
Jax
-Anders

Subject: Photos???

Dear Jenna,

Zach told me you left due to a family emergency. I
hope everything is okay and that you are well. I wanted to remind you about
your daily photo challenge. I think, given the circumstances, it may be more
insightful than a written journal. Life happens. It distracts.
 
Don’t lose sight. Make yourself a
priority.

Ta
Ta
,

Noelle

Jenna
sighed. She couldn’t help Felicity, her marriage was over, and she hadn’t even
begun to think about what she was going to do with the rest of her life. Her
moment of clarity and purpose, so clear a week ago, felt like another lifetime.
And being in the next room listening to her daughter sobbing only reminded
Jenna how powerless she was.

The sobbing
tore at her heartstrings and she couldn’t sit idly by. She had to get out. She
hefted her camera from its padded case and headed out for a walk. The beach
this time of morning was quiet, all pastel blues and pinks. She saw glassy
waves and soft tweets of seagulls, saving their energy for scavenging later
when the crowds came bringing with them a cornucopia of leftovers. Remembering
Noelle’s challenge to see things in light and shadow, Jenna looked for subjects
with both.

A seashell,
stranded by the low tide, wore white ruffles
on one side,
dark sand
on the other. A strip of wet sand, darkened from the receding
water, reflected the cloudless sky. A lifeguard tower stood, abandoned this
time of year, its dark windows contrasting with the gleaming white watch deck.

Click.
Click. Adjust aperture. Click. Check preview. Out of focus. Adjust shutter speed.
Click. Better. An hour passed, marked by tiny increments of clicking and
checking until the sun rose higher, shadows becoming more pronounced, and
Jenna’s thoughts tuned in to the moment.

The world in black and white seemed like it should
be clear, but there were always shades of gray. The contrast pulled certain
things into focus, and left others muddled together in the background.

Nearing the house, she noticed Felicity sitting on
the bottom step.
What is she doing?
 
Jenna trained the lens toward her
parents’ staircase. Click.

When she
checked it, her heart broke. The girl in the photo stared vacantly out at the
ocean, a tear glistening in the late morning light. Forlorn. That’s the word
that came to mind.
 
The girl in the
photo couldn’t possibly be her baby girl. The girl in the photo was a woman of
the world, a woman who’d experienced love and loss.

Was it
possible that in the time it took Jenna to find her self, her daughter had
grown into a young woman? The heart-wrenching curse and greatest joy of being a
parent embodied in a single image: watching her child grow up to become a
beautiful young woman while her sweet little baby disappeared, relegated to her
memory. Cliché though it was, she couldn’t help thinking it went by too fast.