Romantic Jealousy: Causes, Symptoms, Cures (34 page)

The picture of jealousy that I have presented incorporates the perspectives of all five approaches in expanding concentric circles. In the center is an individual who experiences jealousy. The individual's jealousy is related to childhood experiences and his or her personal history of intimate relationships. It is expressed in learned responses. The next circle is the couple, of which the jealous individual is a part. The couple's dynamic determines whether and how a jealousy problem will be expressed. The third circle is the situation. It includes the culture in which the couple lives, which in turn determines how jealousy is experienced and expressed. The fourth circle is the genetic programming that is different for men and women.

My discussion of the five approaches has focused on those aspects that are most relevant for coping with jealousy. Each approach has something valuable to offer. It is illuminating for people to discover how jealousy is related to unresolved childhood experiences. It is helpful to discover how their jealousy is maintained by the dynamics of their relationship. Sometimes they need to unlearn some inappropriate responses to jealousy triggers and learn more appropriate responses. They can take comfort in knowing that no matter how crazy they think they arc when jealous, they are not unique; other people respond the way they do, and there may be a culture that considers their response the most appropriate. It is also comforting to realize that some of the troublesome differences between one's own sex and the opposite sex in response to jealousy may be related to different genetic programming.

People who assume that there is only one way to cope with romantic jealousy deprive themselves of the benefits that other approaches can offer. Even it a particular coping strategy is successful in a certain situation, one does not have to use this strategy exclusively. The person best able to cope has many arrows in the quiver, is able to deal with jealousy in a variety of ways, and uses the most effective strategy or combination of strategies for each given situation.

 
Appendix A

Jealousy Workshops

Since some people may be embarrassed to admit they have a jealousy problem, it may at times and with certain groups be better to advertise the workshop as addressing other emotions as well. Here, for example, is an ad for a jealousy workshop I conducted some years ago with my friend and colleague, the sociologist Gordon Clanton. And here is another ad, addressing jealousy directly. This was the ad that the Kerista Villagers (members of the commune described in chapter seven) read, which prompted them to call me and suggest they come to the workshop and share with the group their insights about overcoming jealousy.

Emotions of Desire

Protecling the Lin►its of Love and Commitment

Love, jealousy, envy, anger, hurt, and other powerful emotions are generated in intimate relationships. These emotions are not useless flights of irrationality. Emotions are useful. They are signals we can learn to interpret. They arc also shock-absorbers hit ran fay ilitatc personal growth and relationship en richmenl.

Jealousy is a protective reaction to a perceived threat to a love relationship. Jealousy is love's shadow but it is also love's bodyguard. Envy (which is often confused with jealousy) is hostility toward someone who has something or some personal quality we don't have and probably cannot get. Anger is often a legitimate protest against unfair treatment, against accumulating injustice that hurts and (rushes the spirit, and makes the rebellion of divor(e more likely later. 'I hrough group discussions, gestalt work, role-playing, and guided imagery, in the supportive, nonjudgmental workshop context, participants will (earn and 1)1-(I( ti(-(' constructive ways of protecting love relationships and positive ways of expressing legitimate hurt and anger, thus minimizing the pain of jealousy and envy.

The workshop is for everyone who seeks to gain better understanding of the variety of emotions of desire. II is especially helpful for couples who are seeking to define and protect the limits of their relationship and for therapists and marriage r ounselors who work with people for whom these issues are important.

Sexual jealousy and Personal Growth

What is sexual jealousy? Is it a sign of love or an indication of insecurity? What are the reasons for it? I low prevalent is it' What ire some of the emo- lional, physiological, and attitudinal reactions to it. What people and situations are likely to elicit jealousy? What are its negative and positive effects, and most important, how can it be coped with more effectively? These are some of the questions addressed in this workshop.

Through lectures, group discussions, personal exploration, and role playing, participants will explore critical issues related to jealousy and gain better understanding of what it is and how to better cope with it.

The workshop is intended for couples who wish to deal with the issue of jealousy' in their relationship, for individuals who experience jealousy as a personal problem, and for Iherapists and marriage counselors.

Here is the description of a jealousy workshop for mental health professionals:

Romantic jealousy

Theoretical Perspectives and Clinical Applications

There are five major theoretical approaches to jealousy: psychodynamic, systemic, behavioral, sociopsychological, and sociobiological. An integrated approach that combines all five of these very different theoretical perspectives with their diflerenl clinical applications is proposed as the most effec- live way to beat romantic jealousy. Through lectures, discussions, structured exercises, and guided imagery, workshop participants will explore each of these approaches, their clinical applications, and how to apply an integrated approach to the treatment of romantic jealousy.

The workshop is primarily recommended for mental health professionals who work Willi individuals and couples with a jealousy problem and for anyone else who seeks a better understanding of love and its shadow: romantic jealousy.

Workshop Participants

While the specific content of 'a jealousy workshop differs according to the composition and needs of the participants, the basic workshop I will be describing here can and has been used successfully with individuals and couples in both homogeneous and heterogeneous groups.

In homogeneous groups participants are either individuals or couples, of a similar age, similar life circumstance, and similar background. In heterogeneous groups some people are single and some are coupled. Some participants are young and some are old, some are at the beginning stages of their relationship, and some have been married many years. In addition, in most workshops some of the participants are mental health professionals who come to learn more about jealousy. At the end of the workshop, participants in such heterogeneous groups invariably express great surprise at the benefit that they feel they have gained from people who are so different from them.

The workshop is best suited for a weekend format (two hours on Friday evening, two three-hour sessions on Saturday, and a two hour session on Sunday morning for a total of ten hours), but it can be shortened to half a (lay or be expanded to five days. In the longer workshops participants have more time to get to know each other and to explore in depth their own individual or couple issues.

The workshop can be used with groups as small as eight people and as large as forty, but the ideal number is between twelve and twenty.

A Workshop Format

The workshop progresses through three stages. The initial stage involves a formal presentation, including a definition of jealousy and an explanantion of the difference between jealousy and envy, between normal and delusional jealousy, and between chronic and acute jealousy. The second stage involves a series of structured exercises that help group members understand their jealousy problem better in a supportive small group atmosphere. The third stage involves an open discussion of' participants' individual issues. The progression from the formal, structured (and safe) to the more openended exercises and in-depth examination helps preempt resistance.

Introductions

If the group includes less than twenty-five people, it is important that participants begin by introducing themselves, and stating the reason for their interest in jealousy and their expectations from the workshop. This process gives group members an idea of the human resources available to them in the workshop and the range of issues different people bring. As participants listen to each other, they should note who seems to be struggling with issues similar to their own, with whom they may want to work later in a small group. In addition to serving an important function for the participants, the introductions can give the group leader invaluable information about participants' expectations.

The only problem with this process is that it can be rather time consuming. This time should definitely be taken for a weekend or a week-long workshop. There is definitely not enough time for it in a half-day workshop. In a one-day workshop participants can be limited to one-minute presentations.

For a workshop that includes over twenty-five participants, another mode of introduction is called for. An example is a drawing of love and jealousy. After a brief introduction that explains the format of the workshop and introduces jealousy as the shadow of love, participants are provided with large sheets of drawing paper and crayons, and asked to draw their love on one page and their jealousy on another. Afterwards (at times after several attempts) both drawings are hung on the wall and group members move around the room and receive explanations of the work from the "artists." The advantage of this approach, as with other nonverbal approaches, is that people's drawings are less controlled by their conscious mind. As group members examine each other's drawings they can see the connection between love and jealousy, and between both these emotions and deeper issues.

After the introductions (which in a weekend or a week-long workshop means the next morning) comes the formal presentation. A short lecture can incorporate much of the material presented in chapter one, including the definition of jealousy and envy, and the differentiation between normal and delusional jealousy, and between chronic and acute jealousy. At some point during this session, participants can be given a copy of The Romanlic Jealousy Qrres- Iionnaire (see Appendix 13) to sensitize them to the various issues related to jealousy. Another session can then be devoted to a discussion of their responses to the questionnaire (which they may fill out during the break between the morning and evening sessions) and to the material presented in chapter two.

Structured Exercises

The second stage of the workshop involves a series of structured exercises, many of which can be found througout this book. The first exercise, "Romantic Jealousy as the Shadow of Love" (presented in chapter on(-), is done in groups of four. Group members are asked to choose (based on what they heard each other say in the introduction session) one person whose problem seems related to their own. Couples are then instructed to choose another couple and make a foursome. (husbands and wives should not be in the same foursome) Once the foursomes have been formed, they are asked to tell, in turn, how they met their partner, what was it that most attracted them to their partner, and what was the most important thing the relationship with their partner gave them. Foursomes are given about half an hour (about seven minutes per person) for this part of the exercise. In the second part of the exercise, foursomes are asked to describe, in turn, their jealousy problem. They arc given forty minutes (ten minutes a person) for this part of the exercise. In the third and most important part of this exercise, participants are instructed to try and discover, with the help of the other members of their foursome, a connection between their original attraction to their partner, and what turned out later to be the core of their jealousy problem. They are given about half an hour for this part. When all foursomes are done, the participants are invited to an all-group discussion and sharing. The workshop leader can sit with one of the foursomes during this exorcize, but be available to all foursomes for questions.

In a short (half-day) workshop this may he all there is time for. In a longer (weekend) workshop, the next stage can be an exploration of, "The Romantic Image and Its Relationship to Jealousy" (also described in chapter on(,). If at all possible, this part of the exercise should be done following a relaxation exercise (in which group members lie down on the floor if at all possible, focus on their breathing, and then, starting with the head and ending with the toes, focus on every part of their body and relax it). Participants are asked to recall their room (or favorite place in the house) as children, and then recall their parents (or parental figures). What were they like? What did they give and not give as parents? I low did they express love? What was their relationship with each other like? Was there a traumatic experience of'some sort? Foursomes are given about forty minutes to tell each other about these childhood experiences.

In the next, and last, part of this exercise they are asked to help each other find a connection between the jealousy problem and these childhood experiences. Finding such connections helps workshop participants "self-focus"-which is to say, shift from pointing a Warning finger at their partner for the jealousy problem to taking responsibility for their own part in it.