Rouge (23 page)

“I can’t explain it all now. It’s something I said I would do. But no one’s forcing me.”

“What did you say you’d do?” His face was so full of concern, so ready to understand, but I was tired of talking, tired of that path to tears.

“It seems I didn’t have to do anything.” I stepped out of his embrace, toward the chair that held my dressing gown, but he caught my hand.

“You’re keeping me out again.”

I couldn’t answer, and after a moment of silence, he exhaled and
gave
my hand
a little pull
.

“Well, as long as you’re here
, p
erhaps you should come back to bed. Roland could be a while, and we shouldn’t catch a chill.”

I allowed him to lead me back. “I suppose we ought to keep warm.”

We slipped under the blankets, and I snuggled close to him. His arms went around me, and I rested my head on his bare chest listening to his heartbeat, his breath swirling in and out. He rolled me onto my back and studied my face for several moments. I studied his, thinking of all the times we’d come so close. Nothing was stopping us now.

“You had a bad night. I’d like to comfort you, but if you’d rather sleep, I’ll understand.”

I nodded, gazing at his lips as he spoke. “I’m just
a
little groggy.”

“May I kiss you?”

I slipped my hand up to his cheek and guided our lips together. They barely touched when that familiar spark raced through my stomach to the arches of my feet. His tongue met mine, and my hands began exploring everything that was covered and uncovered. I traced the lines across his back and shoulders, and he quickly slid my thin chemise along with his shirt up my sides and over my head. We both sighed as our bare chests pressed together, and his mouth covered mine again.

His tongue dipped once in
to
my mouth before his lips moved to my jaw, my neck. I closed my eyes as waves of pleasure rippled through my stomach. He was exploring places no longer confined by tight corsets or layers of clothing. His teeth grazed my shoulder, and any fear I’d had about knowing what to do or how I’d feel my first time was gone. My body knew exactly how to respond to him.

My back arched as my toes curled in anticipation. I lifted my knees, ready to ease into him, when he caught my eye and smiled. One more deep kiss, and he moved his lips to my shoulder then plunged without hesitation. His arms were tight around my waist as he thrust again, harder.

My face was buried in his neck, so he couldn’t see my
eyes widen, my
expression contort in pain. The pleasure I’d just felt was replaced with a tearing sensation that grew worse the more he pushed. But he didn’t stop. All his care and gentleness were gone, and he moved faster,
harder
, my pain worsening the
more
he pushed. I tried to rotate my body away, to lessen the ache, but it was impossible. And he didn’t stop or try to help me at all. It was as if his mind were focused only on his own satisfaction.

The pain slowly turned to stinging numbness, and I clutched his shoulders, until at last, his entire body stiffened in one final push. Then with a groan, he dropped beside me, smiling. I rolled away, feeling wounded and confused.

His hand touched my back. “What’s wrong?” he whispered.

I wasn’t sure I could speak without tears. I thought he’d be careful, like always. That he’d be gentle. Instead, I felt damaged. He tried to turn me to face him, but I pulled away. I didn’t want him to see me cry.

“I’m tired,” I whispered, my voice thick. “Can we sleep now?”

“Sure.” He slid his arm around my waist, pulling me close against him
and kissing the back of my neck
. His voice was happy, but I was troubled. I didn’t know what had changed.

Had all his tenderness simply been a ruse to get me into his bed? Was he always so careless when it came to his desires? I thought of Freddie and his controlled affection. Was his way actually a better approach?  Did all that control actually lead to real kindness, whereas Beau’s impetuosity was simply a prelude to selfishness?

My heart ached. I closed my eyes and pressed my face into the pillow. I didn’t want to think about it anymore. I was sore, and I wanted to sleep and escape these conflicting emotions, this disappointment, this hurt. After what felt like a while, my muscles started to relax. My breathing smoothed, and before long I was asleep, my brows pulled together in a frown.

* * *

Roland arrived in the late afternoon to take me back to the theater. My head was still thick despite having slept most of the day, but I had to get back to Teeny and decide what to do next. Beau kissed me as I wrapped myself in the dark cloak Roland had brought for me, but I wouldn’t meet his eyes.

“I’ll be there in a few hours. Don’t be afraid,” he said. “I just need to get cleaned up and change.”

I nodded, but his reassurances felt hollow now. I was beginning to wonder if I could even trust myself. I hurried down to meet Roland, and after a few moments of silent walking, I noticed my escort was studying me.

“What?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t want to know why I was so troubled.

“I’ve been waiting for you to ask how I did it,” Roland said.

I relaxed. “How’d you do it?”

“It really was brilliant, you have to give me credit. Gavin had that laudanum left over. From your accident?”

Realization hit me at once—the familiar taste, the brownish tinge. I nodded.

“I poured all of it into the Sazerac and hoped for the best.”

“It worked. I never knew,” I said. “So we both passed out?”

He nodded. “It looked like at about the same time. He was in the process of undressing when he succumbed.”

I shook my head, not wanting to remember that part. “Thank you,” I said quietly.

“I told you to trust me.”

“But what about now? He’ll be on guard against everything.”

“I’m working on that. At least he left this morning.”

“Where does he go?” I asked, wondering how much of what he told Teeny was true, remembering how he’d been in our room without us knowing.

“Back to
Atlanta
.” Roland’s jaw clenched. “But it won’t be for long.”

His voice was grim, and I fell silent. At last we arrived at the back door, where I noticed several dents in the exterior. The small window on the side was smashed.

“What happened here?”

“Beau was determined to get in last night.”

My stomach dropped, and
I couldn’t walk anymore
.
C
onflicted emotions overwhelmed me. I remembered the banging, his voice calling for me, his bandaged hands. What happened in his bed was troubling, but I couldn’t deny my feelings. I still loved him.

Roland glanced at me and smiled. “You two,” he said, throwing an arm across my shoulders and pulling me into a hug. “You really are too much.”

I shook my head and pushed back. “I’ve got to keep him from this. Somehow we have to figure out a way to prevent him from getting involved. He’ll only be hurt by it.”

“We can try, but that’ll be easier said than done.”

* * *

Walking down the corridor, I couldn’t stop turning over one memory from last night—Guy had gotten into our dressing room without our knowledge, and he could do it again. We weren’t safe anywhere. I turned the corner and my heart jumped when I saw Gavin standing there.

“Can you perform tonight?” he asked. “It’s only for a few hours.”

I nodded as I reached for the handle, but he stopped me. “That’s not really why I’m here. I wanted to say I’m sorry. I said I’d do what I could to protect you, and I failed.”

“What about Teeny?”

He shrugged. “I still don’t see why she’s so important.”

“Thank you,” I interrupted, anger flaring at his words. “For what you did. The laudanum.”

“I don’t know what you mean.” He feigned ignorance as he turned to leave. I didn’t pursue it and continued inside.

I bolted the door as I removed the cloak, then my dressing gown. I frowned at the blood stains on my chemise. I’d forgotten I might bleed. Not all women did after their first time from what I understood, but I had. My pitcher held water that I poured into a small basin to clean myself. Then I soaked the thin white garment in it. As I worked, I replayed what happened. The beginning had been wonderful, tender, and amazing. I softened a bit at the memory. But the most important part, when our bodies came together, had been heartbreaking. It was as if he’d forgotten about me, left me behind.

Lost in thought, I patted my body dry and slipped into a clean, brown skirt and white blouse. I’d have to spend more time considering my feelings, but first I had to secure that bit of insurance.

Back in the passage, I made my way down to
Rosa
’s room and found Teeny with my old caregiver playing cards. One look and she flew to me.

“Hale! Oh, Hale!” She clutched me, and I hugged her, kissed her head. I felt her tremble as I rubbed her back.

“It’s okay,” I said, holding her. “It’s going to be okay.”

Rosa
didn’t move. She simply stared at me, holding her cards.

“Well?” she said.

I walked to her shelves and replaced the absinthe spoon, then I began searching. She watched me for a moment before putting her cards down and crossing the room, grasping my arm and pulling me back.

“What are you doing?”

“I need it,” I said. “You have to give it to me.”

She frowned, but her voice was hesitant. “What do you mean?”

“I know you’ve got the oil,” I said. “I’ve watched you taking it long enough to know.”

She stared, but she didn’t speak.

Teeny frowned as she watched us. “Oil?” she asked. I glanced at her and then crossed to her, took her hand, and led her to the door.

“Go back to our room,” I said. “It’s safe now, and I’ll explain later.”
Or never.

“Explain what?”

“Just do what I said. Please.” I gently pushed her into the hallway and closed the door. Then I turned back to
Rosa
, and for several seconds we were silent, appraising each other.

“Why do you want it?” She asked.

I started to breathe again. I’d guessed right. She did have it.

“For him,” I said, looking straight into her brown eyes.

Rosa
pushed out her lips, shaking her head. “It won’t work.”

She turned and went back to her window. For a moment I was speechless, but I quickly rallied. I couldn’t fail, not when I was this close.

“It has to work,” I said.

“He won’t take it.”

“How do you know?”

“When I was young, when your mother was still alive, sometimes after the shows we’d all get together to release the tension of the day.”

I tried to imagine that. “My mother took absinthe?”

“She and Guy were the only ones who wouldn’t.”

“Gavin took it?” I asked.

“Gavin wasn’t with us.”

I watched as she filled a kettle and set it on the hot plate, and I remembered Guy’s words to Roland about liking a
ménage
. A wave of nausea passed over me.

“You and my mother were with him,” I whispered. “With Guy?”

“Your father was also there. Truth be told, he started me on it, but I’d have done anything he said.”

I frowned. “My father?” So many times I’d wanted to know him, know who he was. And this was what I discovered. “Was he an addict?”

“Not when I knew him. He was a musician, an artist. He was fantastic.”

She smiled at some memory, but I shook my head. I didn’t have time for this, or for the excuses they all made for their habit. The mind-opening properties of the milky white liquid that made them all crazy. All for their art.

“It’s my last chance,” I said. “I have to try.”

She looked at me a long moment and then she spoke. “So now you want to kill him.”

Her tone stopped me. “I’m not sure I understand you.”

“I’m simply saying, you asked for this. You volunteered yourself, and now you want him dead.”

“What he does is wrong.”

She fixed her eyes on me. “And what exactly has he done that’s so wrong?”

I couldn’t believe her words. “He wanted Teeny! She’s just a child, and he
wanted
her.”

She stood and walked to her small window. “From where I stood, it looked like she was the one wanting him.”

I watched as she raised the glass and reached outside, pulling in a small pot that held a green fern.

“She wanted a kiss. Not
that
.”

Rosa
shrugged. “How should he know the difference? She’s a pretty young thing, living in this place, making eyes at him.”