Ruining You (12 page)

Days pass as I try to
navigate this mad world I’ve returned to. My mother is almost afraid to leave
me alone. She is smothering me, and I don’t have the heart or the energy to say
anything. School is out for Christmas break, so Molly and Reed have shown up
for the past couple of days. We talk, play Reed’s video games, and eat.
Exciting, huh? Winters in Georgia are unpredictable. This year, it hardly feels
like Christmas with the sixty degree temperatures outside.

Two days before Christmas, I
finally believe everything may settle down. Molly is going out of town on
vacation for a week with her family, and Reed is tagging along. Cal calls
daily, but he is also having family over for the holidays. We are staying here
for once. Normally, we spend Christmas on the ski slopes or lounging on the
beach, but I guess that wasn’t even an option this year.

Walking downstairs, I feel
the buzz of my phone in my pocket. I pull it out to see Kane’s name flashing on
the screen. He said he would call, but I was beginning to believe that our last
goodbye was just that, the last. Butterflies flood my stomach, but I take a
deep breath and answer.

“Hey,” I say in a breathy tone.

“Hey. Just wanted to call
and see how you were. I figured I’d give you a couple of days to settle in
before calling.”

“I’m fine,” I say, sitting
down on the bottom step.

“Fine, huh? Maybe I need to
see for myself. How about lunch the day after Christmas?”

“Lunch?”

“Yes, you know…. the meal
between breakfast and dinner?” he asks with a laugh.

This must be the “friend”
thing he was talking about. I want him to know that he doesn’t have to do this.
“Um, that’s okay.”

“Let me put it to you this
way, Jay. It’s not optional. I’ll be there around noon, and if the warm weather
sticks around, wear jeans and tennis shoes. See you then.”

“Hello...hello?” I say to
myself as my phone beeps, noting the end of a call. Damn, I don’t want to be
something he feels like he has to take care of. I guess that’s something we
will have to discuss between breakfast and dinner.

Frustrated, I stand up and
head towards the kitchen. I don’t make it there before the doorbell chimes. I
do an about-face and, through the glass, I see Agent Morris. Great. Shaking my
head, I open the door.

“Hey Jay. Glad you’re home.
Can I come in and talk to you and your parents for a second?”

“Sure, come in,” I say. I
don’t mean it, but I step back and let her in.

“Who’s at the door?” my
mother asks, walking up behind me. “Oh, Agent Morris. How can we help you
today?”

“I was just telling Jay that
I needed a moment of your time if that is okay. Is your husband home?”

“Sure, let me get him.”
Walking to the stairs, she yells up, “Dale, can you please come down?” Turning
back, she says, “Let’s go have a seat in the living room. Can I get you
anything to drink, Agent Morris?”

“No, I’m fine. Thank you
though. Since Jay is home now, I wanted to come by and clarify some things for
her.” Looking at me, she explains, “Jay, you know that Bruce Branch was bonded
out of jail on what is called a ‘No Contact Bond’. This type of release has
certain factors that both parties have to abide by. For instance, if you go to
a grocery store, mall, or restaurant and he is there, then by law, you have to
leave. If...”

“That’s bullshit,” my dad
shouts as he enters room. “That bastard should not have any rights. How is that
even possible?” He glares at Agent Morris.

“Please Mr. Stevenson, let
me finish.” Looking back at me, she continues, “Now Jay, this goes both ways.
Should you be somewhere, then he would legally have to leave as well. Keep in
mind that, in the eyes of the law, he hasn’t been convicted of a crime. He has
only been accused, which means he is still a free man; however, he is to have
no contact with you whatsoever. Should he have any contact with you, his bond
will be automatically revoked, and he will be placed back into custody. Do you
understand these terms, Jay?”

“Yes,” I reply as my heart
steadily thumps in my chest. My father stands tall with his arms stubbornly
crossed, and his face is flaming red.

“You know this isn’t right.
He should be behind bars,” he says.

“I understand your
frustration, but again, this is the law.” Turning to me, Agent Morris sighs,
“Innocent until proven guilty. Jay, may I speak to you privately, please?”

“We aren’t going anywhere,”
my father snaps.

“Dale, please,” my mother
begs.

“Paige, we have been left in
the dark enough these past couple of years. This affects all of us now. I’m not
leaving my daughter alone again. Never again.” His voice cracks as he raises
his hands to grasp the sides of his forehead and drags them down his cheeks.

Blinking back tears, I tell
Agent Morris, “It’s okay.”

She looks at me with a
gentle smile on her face, “Jay, have you thought anymore about testifying?”

I shake my head as I look at
my parents. Their lost stares turn towards each other, and I watch as my mother
reaches for my father’s hand.

“What are you afraid of? If
it is the courtroom, I can take you and walk you through the entire process.
Please look at me, Jay. We only have a couple months before the trial begins,
and right now, we don’t have enough to prosecute him. No other girls have come
forward. Talking with our profiler, we believe that he had a select fixation on
you. We don’t believe he would have stopped pursuing you. Everything is going
to depend on your testimony, and if you choose to not testify, you need to
prepare yourself for the charges to be dropped.”

“Agent Morris, as much as we
want him punished for what he has done, my husband and I support Jay in
whatever she chooses to do,” my mother replies. Her voice is thick with
emotion.

I’ll give it to Agent
Morris; she is very determined. I could tell my mother’s answer wasn’t what she
wanted to hear, but she places a smile on her face and looks back to me.

“Jay, I’ll come by to talk
to you after the first of the year. We will see where you are then.” Standing,
she looks at all of us. “Thank you all for your time.”

My mother stands, nods her
head, and sees Agent Morris to the door. My father doesn’t move. He stares
blankly at the floor before looking up at me.

“I’ll support you, Jay, and
anything you want to do, but I have to tell you. I think you need to think
about the consequences of not testifying. You’re not the only one it will
affect if he goes free. There is a young man who is not here as a result of
Branch’s monstrosities and another young man who will never walk again.”

His words spear into my
soul, and pain radiates within. Is he trying to hurt me? Jumping up, my anger
churns deep, and words spill from mouth. “You don’t understand! Do you want
everyone to hear the details of what he did to me? How he battered, bruised,
and tore me?” My breath comes out in pants.

He moves to embrace me, but
I step away. He freezes and looks at me in horror.

“God, no, Jay. No. I just
want you to have a life. What kind of life will it be knowing he’s out there?
With everything that’s happened, I just worry.” He shakes his head. “Your
mother is right. We will support whatever you want to do. I’m sorry. Please
forgive me.”

“I need to get out of here
for a little while,” I say, walking past him and out of the room. My mother
stands in the foyer. I can tell she has heard every word because tears flow down
her cheeks. “Where are my keys?”

“In your car,” she whispers.
“Jay, are you okay to drive. Maybe I can call someone for you?”

“I’m just taking a drive,
Mom. I’ll be back in a little bit.”

Still shaking, I walk into
the garage. My mind races, and my thoughts swirl around my father. He just
doesn’t understand. He will never understand the violation and the shame. It’s
not just what that beast did; it’s what I did to myself -- what I allowed. In a
desperate effort to feel something, anything, again, I made my body my slave
and forced it into being used. Living with such dark secrets changes people,
blackens the soul, and corrupts the way the mind thinks. It did all those
things to me, and my father will never get that. I’ve been aged by
circumstances, drug through life unwillingly, and had my innocence maliciously
destroyed forever.

I get in my car and press
the garage door opener, letting light increasingly stream into the dark room. I
pull out and drive away. I don’t know where I’m going; I don’t care. I just
need to go. Rolling down my windows, I can’t believe how warm it is. I
definitely don’t need the jacket with the jeans, white tee, and light grey
sweater I put on this morning. I don’t think about a destination, but
subconsciously, I know where I’m not going. I’m not ready to go there. That
intersection was a crossroad in my life, and I don’t think I can handle that
yet. My heart feels a sudden pull, and I instantly know where I need to go.
Whipping the car around, I race to the edge of town.

The entrance looms with
heavy black metal. I read the inscription overhead as I drive through the
gates, “Jackson Heights Cemetery”. The rolling green hills are covered with
tombstones and statues and dotted with flowers. I pick up my phone and call
Molly; she answers on the first ring.

“Where exactly is JT’s
grave?” Her silence conveys her surprise, but she answers with detailed
directions. I hang up the phone before she can comment and power it down.

I drive towards the back
where several large pine trees are nestled together beside a pond. I put my car
in park as the first sobs break through. My chest shakes with cries of anguish.
Pressing my fingertips to my eyes, I try to dam the tears, but it doesn’t work.
I don’t even know if I can get out of the car. Why did I come here? Why did he
die? Why God? WHY? I’m falling apart, barely breathing as the pain steals my
breaths. God, do I hurt. I finally allow myself to mourn him.

Laying my head back against
the seat, I let the tears fall. “Oh my God, JT. Why? Why did you leave me?” I
ask aloud. I open my eyes and stare out the windshield. Standing between the
tallest two trees is a single granite headstone. Well, I’ve come this far. So
taking one last deep breath, I reach for the door handle and step out of the
car.

A strong gust of wind whips
my hair about as the sun shines down through the trees. One foot in front of
the other, I walk to his final resting place. The crunch of dried pine needles
beneath me is the only sound I hear. My heart pounds, but I can’t stop now.

The shiny grey stone gleams
with the sun’s reflection. Coming to a stop in front of it, I read the words
etched into the rock.

JT Miles Higgins

Always In Our Hearts

1994 - 2012

Falling to my knees, I allow
my fingers to trace the letters one-by-one. A dozen red roses lie at the base.
Withered and dying, the petals have begun to darken and curl.  A burst of pain
explodes from my chest. My hands go to my heart in an effort to stop it from
shattering. Again, tears drop one after another as I whisper over and over,
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” I don’t understand why he was taken from me. I want
answers. I want to know why. I hate this world. I hate this life. The thoughts
come to me about how much I want to die so I can see JT again. 

Nausea makes my stomach roll,
and my head starts to spin. I fling myself onto my back against the ground. I
feel the stick of the pine needles underneath me as I remind myself to breathe
slowly, in and out. Turning my head to the side, I stare at the flowers. I
pluck one from the bouquet and snap the flower from the stem. I slowly bring it
to my nose and allow the fragrance to tease my senses. It is a brief reminder
that I’m still here. I’m still alive.

Peeling away petal after
petal, I let them drift down all around me. “I’m here JT. Still waiting for you
to come back for me like you promised, but you can’t come back, can you? Ever.”
Praying, wishing, and hoping he can hear me, I speak out loud. “What now? What
do I do now? I can’t go back to school. I’ll never walk through those doors
again. So many memories.” I pull off another crimson petal, and a blast of air
of wind carries it away.