Rule of Life (13 page)

But, and this is a big but (does my but look big in this?), human relationships being what they are, this is an enormous area in which to make mistakes, fall flat on our face, and generally make a dog’s dinner out of the whole business. We need Rules here like they are going out of style. We need all the guidance we can get. Right, that’s enough about me.

But seriously, we do all need help, and sometimes it pays to come at the subject from a slightly different angle. What follows are some unusual Rules to get you thinking about your relationship from a new perspective.

None of this is revolutionary, but these are the Rules I’ve noticed those who have successful, productive, sustaining, long-lasting, and nurturing relationships have about them.

They are also the ones having exciting, stimulating, extremely close, and powerful relationships.

RULE 57

Accept the Differences, Embrace

What You Have in Common

“Sugar and spice and all things nice…slugs and snails and puppy
dogs’ tails”
—isn’t that how the rhyme goes? So which are you?

The slugs and snails or the sugar and spice? Chances are, you’re a bit of both. Look, it’s true that men and women have differences. We would be fools if we didn’t accept and recognize that. But we’re not so different that we are separate species—or from separate planets, as some would have us believe. We actually have more in common than we have different. If we embrace those things we have in common and accept what is different, we might get along a whole lot better instead of treating each other as if we were separate species.

A relationship is, if you like, a team made up of initially two people (later the team may get swamped by lots of junior team members) who both bring talents and skills and resources to the relationship. Every team needs different people with different qualities to achieve things and to make the project work. If you are both strong leaders, quick decision makers, and impulsive hotheads, then who is going to see to the detail and finish off projects? Who is going to do the work instead of just generating the ideas? Never mind just accepting the differences—see the benefits! Try to view differences in the light of them being special talents—differences that could be used effectively to make your team function better.

And what of the things you have in common? Those can be great (shared views, shared tastes), but they don’t always make life simple (shared love of being right, shared need to be in control). If you are both genuine leaders, you might both be wrestling for the driver’s seat. Instead, agree to take turns leading. The things in common should be celebrated and used—in R U L E 5 7

combination or alternately—to really fire you both up and make the relationship special and successful.

Look, you’re in this together—whatever “this” is—and you need to work together to make it successful. If you combine the talents you have in common, you will get a lot further and have an easier time of it than if you both pull in different directions. Strip away the layers, and we are all human, all frightened, all vulnerable, all trying to make some sort of sense out of our lives. If we focus on the differences and make a big deal out of them, we risk losing the input and contribution of somebody who can help to lighten our load and make the journey more fun. All those crass Internet jokes—if a woman was a computer she would be this, and if a man was a car he’d be that—really don’t help. Real life isn’t like that.

W E M I G H T G E T A LO N G A

W H O L E LOT B E T T E R

I N S T E A D O F T R E AT I N G

E AC H OT H E R A S I F W E

W E R E S E PA R AT E S P E C I E S .

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Allow* Your Partner the Space to Be

Themselves

It’s a funny old thing, but we often fall in love with someone who is independent, forceful, powerful, in charge, in control, and very much out in the world. Then, the second we’ve cap-tured this person, so to speak, we try to change her. We come over all jealous if our partner carries on being as independent; as if being in a relationship with us somehow limits her, ties her down, cuts her wings off.

Before we met our partner, she managed quite well without us.

The second we meet her, we start giving her advice, restricting her choices, limiting her vision and dreams, curtailing her freedom. We need to stand back and give her the freedom to be herself.

A lot of people say that the magic of their relationship has worn off, that there is no sparkle there any more and that they have grown apart. And then when you look into it a bit more deeply, you find two people locked in a symbiotic relationship of mistrust, oppression, and petty encroachment. They don’t give each other any space at all, let alone space to be themselves.

So what can we do? First, stand back and see your partner as she was when you first met her. What attracted you? What was special about them? What turned you on?

Now look at your partner. What is different? What has gone and what has been replaced? Is she still the same independent person, or have you eroded her space, confidence, independence, vitality? Maybe not, that seems a bit harsh, but

*Yes, yes, I know I said “‘Allow.” It is a joke, don’t write in…

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unconsciously we do tend to rein our partners in a bit, and they do lose their sparkle.

You have to encourage your partner to step outside of the coziness of the relationship and rediscover her energy and vitality. She may need to spend some time rediscovering her talents and skills at independence. And you may need to sit on your hands at times to avoid reining her in again. So encourage, stand back, sit on your hands, push, and be there. Tall order. Most successful relationships have an element, and a big one, of independence. The couple spends time apart to bring something back to the relationship. This is healthy. This is good. This is grown-up.

W H AT AT T R ACT E D YO U ?

W H AT WA S

S P E C I A L A B O U T H E R ?

W H AT T U R N E D YO U O N ?

R U L E 5 9

Be Nice

It is very easy in the busyness of modern life and the complex sparring of a day-to-day relationship to forget that we are dealing with a real live human being here and not just someone we bounce off as we go along. It is easy to start to take people for granted, to think we’ve thanked them or praised them or said

“please,” when instead we ignored them, were rude by the guilty sin of omission, disregarded them, and generally behaved like they were pond life by default.

To make the relationship go with a zing, you have to go back to square one and start being courteous again in the old-fashioned sense of the word. You have to reintroduce yourselves to each other as respectful, tactful individuals who are going to start again being pleasant, kind, civil, and polite. From now on, you will say “please” and “thank you” no matter how many times a day it is necessary. Be thoughtful. Be compli-mentary. Give gifts without there being any reason for it. Ask questions to show you are interested in what your partner is saying.

Be solicitous of your partner’s health, welfare, dreams, hopes, workload, interests, and pleasure. Take time to help him. Take time to focus on his needs and wants. Take time to just be there for him, not to have to do anything except listen, show an interest, show that you still love him. Don’t allow benign neglect to ruin your relationship.

We treat strangers exceedingly well and usually reserve our best attentions for people we work with. Our partner gets missed, lost in the bustle of it all. In fact, we should treat our partner better than anyone else. After all, this is supposed to R U L E 5 9

be the most important person in the world to us. It makes sense to show him this is true.

Of course, if you already do all this, you must excuse me reminding you to.

I was reading about a man who kept buying his wife new handbags—always unsuitable ones, not big enough or tough enough for her needs. She tried explaining that she was quite happy to buy her own bags as she was a grown-up, but he had gotten it into his head that his idea of “style” was so much better than hers. In the end she bought him a bag, and that shut him up for a bit. I thought this a wonderfully Zen solution. She didn’t get cross or yell at him, but just gently poked fun at him. Brilliant.

G O B AC K TO

S Q U A R E O N E A N D

S TA R T B E I N G

C O U R T E O U S AGA I N .

R U L E 6 0

You Want to Do What?

Just because we come together to be a couple for however long doesn’t mean we are joined at the hip and have to think the same, do the same, feel the same, react the same. I have noticed that the most successful relationships are the ones where the couple is strong together but also strong apart. The best relationships are the ones where both are supportive of each other’s interests even if they aren’t their own.

Being supportive of your partner and what she wants to do means you have to be very centered yourself not to feel jealous or mistrustful or resentful. You have to be prepared for her to be independent, strong, out in the world separate from you. It can be hard. It can ask a lot of you. It can be a real test of how much you care and how protective you tend to be.

The more freedom you give/allow/tolerate/encourage, the more likely your partner will be to reciprocate and return. If a partner feels she is encouraged and trusted, she is much less likely to “stray” or want out because she feels hemmed in or caged. The more supportive you are, the more she will feel she is being treated kindly, and that is a good thing.

But what if you disagree with what your partner wants to do?

Then you have to look at your own stuff, I’m afraid. You see, your partner is a separate human being and entitled to do pretty well whatever she wants to do—assuming it isn’t hurtful to you or in any serious way jeopardizes the relationship (such as sleeping with other people or committing crimes)—

and it is your role to be supportive. You may need to question what it is about what she wants to do that you find hard to go along with. This might be more about you than your partner.

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Ask yourself—if she does this, if she goes ahead, what’s the worst that can happen? She makes a mess of your floor, ruins part of the garden, spends money on something you don’t really want, isn’t around much for a week. Now compare that to the thought of her leaving or living with you frustrated and unhappy. Which is worse?

Of course, just because your partner says she wants to do something doesn’t mean she will. Some very stubborn types will, however, be more likely to go ahead and do it just because you’re objecting to everything they mention. Say “yes”

and they might well never bother anyway.

If you look ahead to Rule 64, you will read about how you should treat your partner better than your best friend, and being supportive is part of this. We forget that our partner is a separate entity. We forget that our partner, too, has dreams and plans and unfulfilled ambitions. It is our job to encourage our partner to find their path, to realize those ambitions, to stretch herself to her fullest extent, to be complete and satisfied and fulfilled. It is not our job to put her down, ridicule her dreams, belittle her plans, or laugh at her ambitions. It is not our job to discourage her, put her off, place obstacles in her path, or restrict her in any way. It is our job to encourage our partner to soar.

YO U H AV E TO B E P R E PA R E D

FO R H E R TO B E

I N D E P E N D E N T , S T R O N G ,

O U T I N T H E WO R L D

S E PA R AT E F R O M YO U .

R U L E 6 1

Be the First to Say Sorry

Don’t care who started it. Don’t care what it was about. Don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Don’t care whose game it was. You are both behaving like spoiled brats and should go to your room at once. No seriously, we all fall out from time to time; that’s human nature. From now on, if you want to be a committed Rules Player, and I can see from the glint in your eye you do, you will be the first to say sorry. That’s it. End of Rule. Why? Because that’s what Rules Players do. We are the first. We take great pride in being first because we are so firm in our own sense of ourselves that we don’t feel any loss of pride if we say sorry. We don’t feel threatened or challenged or weak. We can say sorry and still be strong. We can say sorry and retain our dignity and respect.

We will say sorry because we are sorry. We are sorry to have become embroiled in an argument of any sort and have by the very nature of arguing forgotten at least five Rules.

You see, if it has gotten as far as a falling out, no matter how trivial or minor, we have already committed a few cardinal mistakes and thus should be the first to say sorry because we are in the wrong no matter what the argument is about.

Arguing is what we are saying sorry for. Never mind what it was about; we are saying sorry first because we are noble, kind, generous in spirit, dignified, mature, sensible, and good.

I know, I know, gosh we have to be all these things and still say sorry. Tough call, tall order. Just do it, and see how good it makes you feel. The view is always fantastic from the moral high ground.

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And what if you are both reading this book? Heavens. Then you must not tell each other you are—Rule 1—but then race to be the first to say sorry. Could be interesting. Let me know how you get on.

Saying sorry has many benefits, even if it does stick in your throat a little. Not only does it give you the moral advantage, but it also diffuses tension, gets rid of bad feelings, and clears the air. Chances are that if you say sorry first, your partner will probably be humbled into apologizing also. Maybe.

Always remember you are not apologizing for the sin or crime or faux pas you have committed—you are apologizing for being so immature to have argued in the first place, apologizing for losing your cool, apologizing for forgetting Rules, apologizing for being boorish or argumentative or stubborn or rude or childish or whatever. You can come out of your room now.