Rule of Life (14 page)

W E CA N S AY S O R R Y A N D

R E TA I N O U R D I G N I T Y A N D

R E S P E CT.

R U L E 6 2

Go That Extra Step in Trying to

Please Them

What? You have to be the first to say you are sorry, encourage and support them, give them freedom, be supportive, be nice, and now I am saying go that extra step in trying to please them as well. Heck, anyone would think you were doing this out of love. You’d think this was for someone you adored and worshipped and respected and had great affection for—someone you really cared about. Precisely. That is exactly what it’s about. This is about going an extra step to please the person who means the most to you in all the world, the person you love and cherish and care about, the person who is the most important human being in your life. This is about your love, your companion, your treasure, your soul mate, your lover, and friend. So what’s your problem? Why wouldn’t you want to do this? Why wouldn’t you be doing it already?

So if we want to, what is it we are supposed to be doing? Easy: thinking ahead. Planning birthdays that are more than just a present, a card, some flowers, and a couple of drinks at the bar—and that’s if they’re lucky this year. It’s thinking about what they would like, what they might want, for birthdays, special treats, days off, long weekends, and anniversaries. It’s thinking of extravagances, luxuries, indulgences. It’s going out of your way to find out what they would really, really like and then giving it to them. And I’m not talking money here. This is about surprising them, finding little things to delight them and show that you have thought of them. Arranging things in advance to let them know how special they are and how much you care and how important they are.

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This is finding ways to delight them beyond the normal, way beyond what is expected, further than anyone else would.

This is a fantastic opportunity to be creative, adventurous, wacky, unusual, caring, and loving all at the same time.

Haven’t got the time? Then you must check your priority list.

What could be more important than delighting your lover and partner and friend? (Yes, it is the same person, not three people.)

W H Y WO U L D N ’ T YO U

WA N T TO D O T H I S ?

W H Y WO U L D N ’ T YO U B E

D O I N G I T A L R E A DY ?

R U L E 6 3

Always Have Someone—or

Something—That Is Pleased to

See You

We’re back to the woman and her greyhounds here. When she comes home, her dogs are always pleased to see her, but then dogs always are. No matter how badly you have treated them,*

they always go nuts. Of course, you want your partner to behave in just the same fashion, to go nuts when you come home. And I’m sure they do, don’t they? And, of course, you do when they come home, don’t you? No? Why not? Yes? Well done.

We all need someone who is pleased to see us. It makes us feel it is all worthwhile. I love it when I have to go away for work for a day or two and then when I get back my children all stand there, like children do, with their hands outstretched with that lovely, “Have you brought me something back?”

look on their faces.

Or when they get back from school and you ask if they’ve had a good day and they grunt at you. So refreshing. But you are still incredibly pleased to see them—for them, you are their someone or something.

And no, the red light of the TV standby button isn’t enough.

You do need a person or a pet. One of my sons claims his gecko is always pleased to see him, but I have tried hard to detect any emotion on its face and so far failed—the gecko’s, not my son’s.

* Not taking them on a long enough walk because you’ve been so busy, forgetting biscuits, stuff like that. I don’t mean treating them really badly. Who would do that?

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Having someone or something who is pleased to see you is important because it gives you someone who needs you, and this gives you a purpose, stops you getting self-absorbed, gives you a reason for getting on with life. But what if you live alone and don’t have pets or children? Well, volunteer or charity work is a very good way to quickly get in the situation where somebody is pleased to see you. Then again, it could be right on your doorstep.

Even living alone in a part of London where people never really talked to their neighbors, a friend of mine discovered there was a disabled retired man who lived a few doors down from her. She noticed that he found excuses to “just happen to be at his door” as she walked past on her way back from work most days. He was clearly a bit lonely and really valued a quick chat (or a longer one if possible). He was pleased to see her. Who is pleased to see you?

W E A L L N E E D

S O M E O N E W H O I S

P L E A S E D TO S E E U S .

I T M A K E S U S F E E L I T I S

A L L WO R T H W H I L E .

R U L E 6 4

Know When to Listen and

When to Act

I don’t know if it’s harder for us men to learn this one, but I find it tough. Whenever anyone has a problem, I want to rush off and do something. Doesn’t really matter what, just so long as I am doing something, anything.

In actual fact, what is often required of me is that I sit down and listen. I am not being told my wife’s troubles and problems just so I can be all macho and rescue her or leap to her defense or single-handedly take on the world for her (in fact, be a hero). What is needed is a sympathetic ear, a shoulder perhaps to cry on, an “Oh, that must be awful for you” sort of response, a counselor’s approach, and a full and rapt attention with eye contact. That’s the tricky bit. As soon as I’ve heard the problem, I’ve switched off, or rather I’ve switched to working out what the solution must be.

But for me, when I have a problem I don’t want to hear sympathetic noises and encouraging sounds. I don’t want a heart space where I can share. I just want a solution, an offer of help, an extra pair of hands, a stout length of rope, and a screwdriver.*

But then all my problems are object related and need practical solutions—a guy’s sort of thing. All the problems that I find the hardest to just listen to are person related and need a completely different approach. Knowing when to listen and when to act is an extremely useful skill to develop. I still constantly need to sit on my hands though to stop someone sharing

* Or whatever it takes to fix my particular problem.

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a problem with me by saying, “Hold it right there; I can see exactly what this needs” and then rushing off to fetch my tool kit.

Of course, some problems don’t actually have solutions; that’s not why we’re being told them. We are being told so we can be part of the process, and that may be sympathy, grief, shock, empathy, kindness, emotional advice, or hand-holding.

Knowing when to offer chocolate and sympathy or a tool kit and a stout rope instead is the skill to learn, and a good Rules Player gets it right. (Yes, yes, I know; I still get it wrong far too often.)

K N OW I N G W H E N TO O F F E R

C H O C O L AT E A N D

SY M PAT H Y O R A TO O L K I T

A N D A S TO U T R O P E

I N S T E A D I S T H E S K I L L

TO L E A R N .

R U L E 6 5

Have a Passion for Your Life

Together

So you two met and fell in love and resolved to spend your lives together. And you are, I hope. But at what level? I’m not being funny here, but serious (for once). Just sort of living together, going through the days, not really connecting isn’t good enough, I’m afraid. You have to have a passion for your life together. A what? A passion. Being together has to be a strong bond, a common sharing of experience, a dream-fulfilling romance that carries you both along. Love isn’t for the half dead, the sound asleep (or even the merely dozing off), the can’t-be-bothered-to-make-the-effort-anymore. You have to make the effort. You have to stay awake, in touch, in tune. You have to share dreams and goals and ambitions and plans. You have to have passion for being with each other.

Look, I know that all relationships go through peaks and troughs. I know we get complacent and even a little bored at times. But you are dedicating your life to someone else’s happiness in a way, and that requires focus, strength, passion, drive, enthusiasm, and effort. What’s that? You’re not dedicating yourself to someone else’s happiness? Then what are you doing? That’s what a relationship is all about in a sense. And if you’re not doing that, what do you think you are doing?

You have to really care, to still be in love, to want your partner to be fulfilled, successful, happy, complete.

In an ideal world, you only get one crack of the whip at this.

(I know that lots of people have several partners over a life-time, but I assume the aim is always to stay together for life and not to get divorced.) This is your chance to have a really good, strong relationship based on mutual trust, responsibility, R U L E 6 5

shared happiness, drive, and the pursuit of excellence. It isn’t?

What is it then? It has to be if you are going to get the maxi-mum out of it. Your partner isn’t just there for someone to chat with when you get a bit fed up and want some company.

She is there because she loves you and you her. She is there for you both to have a relationship. If that isn’t as much as anyone needs as an incentive to live life to the full and have a passion, then I don’t know what is.

… YO U A R E D E D I CAT I N G

YO U R L I F E TO S O M E O N E

E L S E ’ S H A P P I N E SS .

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Make Sure Your Love Making is

Making Love

So! We get to talk about sex now? Well, actually no. What I’m going to talk about is love. If you are in love and being loved, it is part of the natural process to make love, and this is both fun and fraught with all sorts of problems. In a relationship, as successful Rules Players, we have to be kind, courteous, rever-ential, stimulating, creative, respectful, thoughtful, considerate, and sexual. Within that sexual relationship we have to be all those things as well—respectful, kind, etc. We have to take our partner’s needs and wants into consideration without subjecting ourselves to anything we wouldn’t want to do or find embarrassing or difficult. We have the right to privacy. We have the right to respect. We have the right to be held in high esteem.

And so does our partner. Consideration has to be the key word. We have to be considerate of what our partner needs, likes, wants, is capable of doing. We have to be courteous.

And yes, within all this there is a space and a place for passion, for excitement, for rude raunchy sex. We don’t have to be tame to be considerate, we don’t have to be inhibited to be kind, we don’t have to be tame just because we are being respectful. This isn’t about being unexciting or dreary or boring just because we are taking our partner’s safety, privacy, health, intimacy into account. Even the most passionate lovers can be kind to each other while tearing each other’s clothes off and having very physical sex—the two can go together.

Having sex with someone you love—making love if you like—

is an honor in a way. (For me, just having someone these days R U L E 6 6

who is prepared to take her clothes off at the same time as I do is an honor….) Making love is as close as we are ever going to get to another human being, as intimate as it is ever going to be. If we don’t move respectfully in this arena, then what are we doing? And respect grows out of knowledge—knowledge of not only what our partner likes best but of the whole process. We should be as skilful as possible, and if we aren’t, it is something we can spend a bit of time learning about. There is no shame in learning. We can’t all be born the best drivers and the best lovers in the world.

W E H AV E T H E R I G H T

TO P R I VACY , TO R E S P E CT ,

TO B E H E L D I N

H I G H E S T E E M .

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Keep Talking

Yep, you’ve gotta keep talking. When there is trouble afoot, it’s talking that will get us out of it. When we are going through bad patches, it is talking it out that will see us through. When we are optimistic and excited, it is talking that will help our partner share it.

If we aren’t talking, there is something wrong. If we aren’t talking, what are we doing? Talking helps us understand, listen, share, communicate.

Lots of people assume that silence means there’s a problem, something wrong. Of course, we don’t need to fill all the silences, but there are some pretty basic rules of etiquette when it comes to talking to each other:

• Acknowledge that your partner has spoken to you—and no, a grunt or a sigh isn’t what I mean.

• Make some recognition every few seconds that you are still awake, alive, in the room, interested, paying attention—this may be a nod, a yes or no, a noise of encouragement (hmm, oh).

• Be aware that talking is part of your duties as a lover/partner, and you should be good at it.

• Good talking leads to good sex—if you aren’t talking, you aren’t flirting, holding hands, seducing. By talking, we are committing the act known as foreplay.

• Talking helps resolve problems; silence only amplifies them.

• Talking keeps you together—it’s what you used to do when you first fell in love, remember?

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There is obviously a time and a place for silences (see Rule 58)—but talking is healthy, productive, companionable, friendly, loving, kind, and fun. Silences can be boring, unhelpful, destructive, and threatening. Obviously, there is quality talking and there is rambling on. Make sure you don’t just chatter away to fill the silences with meaningless trivia.

Talking has to have some purpose, although gossiping is fine.

Just babbling isn’t. So talk sensibly now.