Rule of Life (12 page)

We tend to think that if we spend more money on something, it will solve the problem. Maybe sometimes we need an old-fashioned approach of time and attention and finding out.

Like our grandparents, who didn’t throw things away and get a new one when something had stopped working—they patiently sat down and tried to sort out what it was that had gone wrong and determine if there was a way to put it right again. That went for relationships as well as for watches or appliances.

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Throwing money at things makes us feel powerful and grown-up when instead we might need to stand back and see if we couldn’t do better by changing the situation another way. I know I’m as guilty of this one as anybody. It happens to me most with cars. I buy a car—usually an expensive, tempera-mental, costly to fix model. Then when something goes wrong, as it invariably does, I pay the garage to tow it away and spend a fortune having it repaired. How much simpler my life would be if I could stand back and see that the car was unsuitable in the first place, basically a mistake. Throwing money at it now doesn’t alleviate the problem; it merely delays it, puts it off until the next time when it goes wrong again.

And it will. Oh, believe me, it will; it always does.

T H R OW I N G M O N E Y AT

I T N OW D O E S N ’ T

A L L E V I AT E T H E P R O B L E M ; I T M E R E LY D E L AY S I T.

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Think for Yourself

You’ll think this one’s so obvious you’ll be wondering what it’s doing in here, and I do apologize if it seems patronizing, simplistic, or downright rude. I don’t mean to offend or insult, and I do appreciate that you do think for yourself. I guess what I mean by this Rule is that we need to be incredibly clear about our opinions, grounded in our own sense of identity, and very assertive about being us so that we aren’t easily swayed by what other people think of us. It’s tougher than it looks at first glance. We are all vulnerable inside. We all have fears and concerns. We all want to be loved and accepted. We all want to blend in, be one of a crowd, be acknowledged. We all want to belong. The temptation is to say, “I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

Being original or creative or different can make us think we stand out too much and will get shunned. But truly successful people aren’t shunned; they instead become pack leader because of their originality, their difference. If you are obnox-ious or rude or hurtful, you will indeed be shunned. But if you are kind, thoughtful, caring, and respectful you will be loved and accepted. If you are also original in your thinking, you will be looked up to, respected, and admired.

To think for yourself, you have to be pretty sure of who you are and be clear in your thinking as well as doing it for yourself—there’s no point in thinking for yourself if it’s all muddled and woolly.

I have a friend who is very intelligent and astute, but all her opinions come from reading a particular national newspaper.

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Whatever line it takes on a particular issue is the same line she will come out with. She trusts her paper implicitly and is unable to see how predictable her views are—seeing as they are always based on what she has read. She will argue her case articulately, forcefully, and in a well reasoned way, but always absolutely in line with her paper’s views. We can all be a bit like that and need to change where we get our information from occasionally to make sure we stay fresh and original.

Of course, to think for yourself means you have to (a) have something to think about and (b) actually do the thinking.

Look at a selection of people you know. If they are at one with their own life, I bet they are doing both. If they are badly adjusted and generally struggling, I bet they’re not doing either.

W E A L L WA N T TO

B L E N D I N ,

B E O N E O F A C R OW D ,

B E AC K N OW L E D G E D .

W E A L L WA N T TO B E LO N G .

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You Are Not in Charge

Sorry if this comes as a shock, but you’re not in charge, no matter how much you want to be, no matter how much you think you are, no matter how much you deserve to be. If you are not in charge, it doesn’t mean anybody else is either. We may all be on the same runaway train with no driver or there may indeed be a driver. (The driver may be insane, drunk, or asleep, but that’s another thing entirely.) Once you accept that you’re not in charge, you can let go of so much stuff it’s very liberating. Instead of complaining, “Why isn’t it like this?” you can accept it isn’t and let it go. Instead of metaphorically bashing your head against a metaphoric brick wall, you can walk away whistling with your hands in your pockets—you are, after all, not in charge and therefore not responsible.

Once you get your head around the wonderful concept that you are here to enjoy and not here to run things, then you are free to sit in the sunshine a bit more often, take time off.

Look, stuff happens. Good stuff and bad stuff. There may or there may not be a driver. You can blame the driver if you want. You can accept that if there isn’t a driver, the journey will sometimes be scary, sometimes exhilarating, sometimes boring, sometimes beautiful. (Actually, whether there is or isn’t a driver, the same holds true.) We have to have both the good stuff and the bad stuff. That’s a fact. If you or I were in charge, we’d probably interfere too much and get rid of most of the bad stuff and the human race would die out ever so quickly due to stagnation, lack of challenge, lack of motivation, and lack of excitement. It is, after all, the bad stuff that R U L E 5 3

fires us up, makes us learn, and gives us a reason for living. If it was all good, it would be awfully fluffy and boring.

A slight condition to this one, though. You might not be running the show, but that doesn’t discharge you of all responsibilities. You still have obligations—you still need to be respectful of the world you live in and the people you live in it with—it’s just that you don’t have overall responsibility for the whole show and everything in it.

Seeing as you are not in charge, you can watch it like a movie and cheer at the exciting bits, cry at the sad bits, and hide during the scary moments. But you are not the director or even the projectionist. You are not even the usher.* You are the audience; enjoy the show.

O N C E YO U AC C E P T T H AT

YO U ’ R E N OT I N C H A R G E ,

YO U CA N L E T G O .

* There’s probably a frightfully modern PC word for this job. Please don’t write in.

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Have Something in Your Life

That Takes You Out of Yourself

I have a friend who swears by her adopted greyhounds. No, I don’t mean she stands next to them and curses, although I’m sure she does from time to time. But what I mean is that no matter how miserable she is, no matter how hard she’s been working, no matter how annoying life has been, no matter how fed up, cross, or what sort of a bad hair day she’s had, when she gets home and gets that incredible greeting from her rescued dogs, it all then becomes worthwhile. The gloom is lifted, and she is instantly restored, calm, happy, and loved. It’s a bit sad, but there you go (only joking).

For me, it has to be my children and where I live. Although my kids drive me insane at times, there is still something incredibly magical about the way they view the world and how they grow. As for where I live, I only have to think about going home to feel lifted and invigorated.

For every one of us, there will be something different that does it, that pushes our button in a very positive way. And I find the wonderful thing about this Rule is that it invariably isn’t the things that cost money that have this power. The things that lift us are usually magical in some way—a particular view or person, a pet or a child, a favorite book or film that we turn to, to help us recharge. It might be a state of mind that we arrive at through some ritual such as going to a place of worship or meditating. It might be a certain piece of music that lightens our heart. For some it will be reorganizing their stamp collection; for others it will be doing charity work or being a volunteer. (There’s nothing like doing something for others or for a greater good to take you out of yourself.) R U L E 5 4

Whatever it is, make sure you have it, know it and use it.

What’s the good of a piece of music that always lifts your mood if you don’t play it occasionally?

I guess we all need something in our life that takes us out of ourselves and perhaps stops us taking ourselves too seriously.

Whether it’s a dog, a child, or a chat with a lonely person in a nursing home, there needs to be something that makes you realize that all the stuff that’s getting to you isn’t that important and reminds you of the simple pleasures in life.

W H AT ’ S T H E G O O D O F A

P I E C E O F M U S I C T H AT

A LWAY S L I F T S YO U R M O O D

I F YO U D O N ’ T P L AY I T

O C CA S I O N A L LY ?

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Only the Good Feel Guilty

Bad people don’t feel guilty. They are too busy being bad.

Good people feel guilty because they are good and they feel they have done wrong, let somebody down, made a mistake, or screwed up somewhere. Good people have a conscience.

Bad people don’t. If you do feel guilty, that’s a good sign. It shows you are on the right track. But you have to know how to deal with it, because guilt is a terribly selfish emotion. It is wasteful and pointless.

We have two choices: put it right or dump the guilt. Yes, we all make mistakes. We all screw up from time to time. We don’t always do “the right thing.” And if we’ve got a conscience, we will feel guilty sometimes. But guilt is utterly pointless unless it is acted on for the better. You would be better off feeling something else* if you aren’t going to act on your guilt.

If you hang around feeling guilty but don’t do anything about it, then it’s a waste of time and life.

The first thing to do is to assess whether you really need to feel guilty. It could just be an overdeveloped conscience or sense of duty. If you are the kind of person always to volunteer, but just this once you say “no,” then there is no need to feel guilty. You’ll know deep down if you’ve earned this one off. If you’ve a choice between doing something or not, then it’s simple: do it or don’t do it but without guilt. Make the

* Self loathing, fear, panic—all good substitutes for guilt if you really must.

But better just to let it go.

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choice with that in mind. Not doing it and feeling guilty is not an option.

If you do have cause to feel guilty, then if you can, put it right.

That’s the simplest course of action. And what if you can’t put things right? Then learn the lesson, make a resolution, dump the guilt, and move on. If it keeps on gnawing away at you, you have to find a way to put it behind you.

I F YO U D O F E E L G U I LT Y , T H AT ’ S A G O O D S I G N .

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If You Can’t Say Anything Nice,

Don’t Say Anything at All

It is very easy to moan, to complain, to criticize. It is much harder to always find something nice to say about a situation or a person. But think of it now as a huge challenge. Saying something nice is hard because our natural inclination is to moan. If someone asks how the weekend camping went, it’s easier to start on the bad weather and the problems with the campsite and the annoying behavior of the people in the next-door trailer, than it is the joy of being with people you wanted to be with and in a fantastic setting. When a friend asks how you’re getting on with your boss, the things they do that really annoy you usually spring to mind before the upsides.

No matter how horrid someone is, there is always something about him that is good. Your job is to find that good bit and highlight it, speak about it, draw attention to it. Same with a situation that seems troublesome. I remember reading once of someone who was on the Metro in Paris during a major strike.

It was chaos, and people were shoving and pushing. It was pretty horrendous. There was a woman with a small child there, and it could have been quite scary. She bent down to the child and said quite brightly, “This, my dear, is what they call an adventure.” It has become a pet phrase of mine in times of crisis and trouble.

When asked your opinion of someone, something, somewhere, you need to find something good to say, something flattering and positive. There is ample evidence that being positive has many benefits, but the most noticeable is that people will gravitate toward you and not even know why. That positive air about you is attractive. People like being around those R U L E 5 6

who are upbeat, positive, happy, and confident. We need to bite our tongue more and say good things more often.

Obviously, if you are only going to say good things, then this cuts out back-biting, gossiping, mouthing off, telling tales, being rude about people, and complaining (you are allowed to point out defects or problems but in a constructive way). And that could leave you with a big gap to fill.

Before opening your mouth, try—just for a week—to find something good to say. It’s one of those things that will amaze you by how it improves your life, but don’t take my word for it—just try it. And if all else fails, and you really can’t think of anything positive to say at all, then don’t say anything. At all.

T H I S , M Y D E A R ,

I S W H AT T H E Y CA L L

A N A DV E N T U R E .

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RULES

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We all need to love and to be loved. Most of us want the comfort of a relationship and the closeness of companionship that such a relationship brings. We aren’t islands, and we do need to share together with someone very dear and close to us. ’Tis human nature. We wouldn’t be the fantastic people we are without that need to give and to be given to.