Rule of Life (19 page)

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Being forgiving doesn’t mean we have to be pushed around or to put up with nonsense. We can stand our ground and say,

“Sorry I don’t need to take that,” but we can also make an attempt to forgive because we can see it from their point of view. Maybe the word is tolerant rather than forgiving. But either way, we don’t have to mistake forgiveness or tolerance or whatever with meekness. We can still be saying, “Shove off with your bad language and sad bicycle and your mother smells of hamsters,” while feeling sorry for the poor idiot at the same time. He was a good man who did a naughty thing.

Just bear in mind that anyone you come into contact with who makes you angry may have had a really bad time before getting to you.

B E I N G FO R G I V I N G

D O E S N ’ T M E A N W E

H AV E TO B E

P U S H E D A R O U N D .

R U L E 8 9

It Doesn’t Hurt to Be Helpful

We said in the previous Rule that the angry person you encounter may have had a bad day before getting to you. Let’s try to make it a good day for all of them before they get to someone else. Let’s spread a bit of goodwill around out there and then maybe, just maybe, mad cyclists won’t be quite so ready to rear up and be abusive and aggressive. Perhaps no one had been kind to him that day. Perhaps no one had been kind to him for a very long time. See, it’s all your fault. If only you’d been a bit nicer to him, he wouldn’t have taken out his wet angst on the rest of us that day.

Always offering a hand and being generally decent to everybody is really easy once we get into the mindset that it’s what we are supposed to be doing. It can become your “default”

behavior. So your first reaction becomes, “Yes, sure, I can show you how to do that, no problem,” rather than, “I’m very busy; can’t you ask someone else?”

Try it as a different approach at work and see what it does for your reputation and career. Being known as someone who is always ready to help does not get you known as a pushover.

Quite the reverse, in fact.

If you see a woman in trouble—even if it’s only that they’ve spilled their groceries getting it into the back of the car—you can always go up and say, “Can I help?” If she wants you to she’ll accept and if not…well, you tried, and that’s the main thing.

This is all about going into every day thinking the best of people, being the first to smile, seeing where somebody might R U L E 8 9

need a hand instead of bustling on past. It’s about trying to see a situation from others’ viewpoint, being sympathetic if they have problems—you don’t have to solve them all. It means taking the time and trouble to make sure people around you are OK. And yes, this does mean strangers as well. If we all took the trouble to smile occasionally at strangers, the world might start each day on a slightly less confrontational foot.

T H I S I S A L L A B O U T G O I N G

I N TO E V E R Y DAY T H I N K I N G

T H E B E S T O F P E O P L E .

R U L E 9 0

What’s in It for Them?

We all want to win. At work and in most aspects of life, winning is good, and we don’t like to lose. No one sets out to be a loser. But we do tend to think that if we are going to win then someone else, someone around us, has to lose. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

In every situation, the smart Rules Player weighs up the circumstances and asks, “What’s in it for them?” If you know what’s motivating others, you can help steer the situation (and your actions) so you get what you want, but they feel they’ve gotten something out of it, too. The “win-win” mentality might have come out of the workplace, but it applies to pretty much every situation and relationship.

To work out what others are likely to want and need, take a step back and remain a little detached, so you’re looking at the situation as if from outside. Suddenly it stops being you and them, and you’ll stop thinking that they need to give way in order for you to win.

Dealing with somebody who’s got the hang of this Rule is a rewarding experience—people will look forward to working with you, because there’s an air of cooperation and understanding. Once you’ve learned to always look for the other person’s “bottom line,” you’ll become very fluid in your negotiations and will gain a reputation for being adult and supportive—and that’s another bit of winning for you as well.

And it’s not just in workplace negotiations that this win-win reaps rewards. Try it at home, too. If you’re debating where to go on vacation, and you desperately want to go horseback riding in France, think “what’s in it for them?”—what is it R U L E 9 0

about that vacation that will make them happy? Highlight those aspects, and they’re more likely to agree. If you’re struggling to think of anything that will appeal to them, you need to think more broadly—maybe you can find a place where you go horseback riding while they go fishing or sailing. You see how it works. Just asking the question, “what’s in it for them?”

helps you think it through.

Being a parent is another area where this works. If you just lay down the law without considering what your children want and need, they’ll rebel or at least be difficult to handle. But again ask “What’s in it for them?,” and you’ll see the situation from their perspective and handle it better. Winner.

YO U G E T W H AT YO U WA N T ,

B U T T H E Y F E E L T H E Y ’ V E

G OT T E N S O M E T H I N G O U T

O F I T , TO O .

R U L E 9 1

Hang Out with Positive People

If you want to be successful in your life, at work, socializing, you need to be aware that there are two groups of people to hang out with. First, there are those who lift you up, are positive about life, have energy and enthusiasm, walk their walk, talk their walk, and generally make you feel great to be alive.

And then there are the moaners who bring you down to their level of inactivity. The second group are not the group to hang out with if you want to make things happen and be happy.

So hang out with the positive, smart people. I mean people who feel life is an exciting challenge worth wrestling to the ground and having fun with. The sort of people who have interesting points of view, who make you feel good talking to them, who have positive things to say or suggest rather than moaning. The sort of people who tell you that you look fantastic rather than criticize you.

Earlier on we talked about clearing clutter out of your life—

physical stuff (see Rule 39). Now maybe it is time to clear some people clutter. (Hmm that sounds terribly LA*.) Let’s have a look at the people you do hang out with.

Which ones can you honestly say make you:

• Feel enthusiastic about seeing them?

• Rise to every challenge?

• Laugh and smile and feel great about yourself?

• Feel supported and nurtured and encouraged?

• Feel stimulate you with new ideas, new concepts, and new directions?

* If this book is on sale in LA, then I meant somewhere else entirely.

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And which ones make you:

• Feel depressed after you’ve seen them?

• Feel angry, dejected, or criticized?

• Squash your ideas and pour cold water on your plans?

• Feel you’re not taken seriously?

• Feel as if you can’t achieve anything?

Hang out with the first group. Cull the second group—unless they are just having a bad day (and we all have those). Move on, get it done. Ah, but you’ll say it is cruel to prune friends ruthlessly like that. Well, I suppose it is, but then I want to enjoy my friends, not moan about them. If I find myself doing that, I prune them. No point hanging out with people who don’t make you feel good—not unless you like being down.

N O P O I N T H A N G I N G O U T

W I T H P E O P L E W H O D O N ’ T

M A K E YO U F E E L G O O D .

R U L E 9 2

Be Generous with Your Time and

Information

As you get older—and probably not any wiser (see Rule 2)—

you will learn a lot of stuff. Some of that stuff will be important to other people, often younger people, but not always. Share what you know with them. Don’t hold on to information for the sake of it. Don’t hold on to your time for the sake of it. What would you be doing with it that could be in any way more worthwhile?

If you have a special talent or skill, pass it on. I don’t necessarily mean you have to spend all your spare evenings down at the local youth club teaching young punks all about whatever it is you do or know about.

But if the opportunity arises, then go for it. I was recently asked to give a talk to a bunch of 6 year olds about what it means to be an author. At first I thought, “But I’m not an author; I might just qualify, and only just, as a writer.” But an author sounded far too grand, too fictitious, too grown-up for me. What on earth could I tell 6-year-olds about what I do for a living? But, remembering my own Rule, I warmly and graciously accepted and went along. I must say I had one of the most pleasurable mornings in a long time. They were fantastic.

They asked brilliant questions, paid attention, chatted in a very adult way, were keen and interested, and in general were well behaved and marvelous. It would have been so easy to say no. And you never know what you might inspire in others, what flame you might fan, what encouragement you might give without even knowing.

This Rule especially applies at work. It’s very easy to fall into the mindset that if you know stuff that nobody else does, then R U L E 9 2

you have the upper hand–to believe that knowledge is power and you should hang on to every little bit of it. Actually, the most successful people in life are always looking to pass on what they know, to bring on others in their wake. Because if you don’t, then who’s going to replace you? You make yourself indispensable, and you have just wedged yourself in a career rut.

If you’re not passing on your talents and skills, what are you doing with them? What great secrets have you got that demand to be withheld from the world? Or is it laziness?

Successful Rules Players say yes as often as possible because there is an incredible experience to be had in passing stuff on.

And it is genuinely useful. Don’t go thinking that what you know is of no use to anyone. I guarantee it will be quite the opposite, because the second you say yes, you become one step up from all those who say no. That makes you important, successful, decisive, and generous. And that makes you special.

I F YO U H AV E A S P E C I A L

TA L E N T O R S K I L L ,

PA SS I T O N .

R U L E 9 3

Get Involved

Get involved in what? Anything really (or at least almost anything). I guess what I mean by this is to take an interest in your world. Don’t watch it on television, but go out there and interact with it. Too many people are living their lives through the lives of others seen on that little screen. Or even living their life vicariously through the lives of others in the real world. (Gossip keeps them going.) There is a great big wide world out there full of life, vitality, energy, experience, drive, excitement. Getting involved means get out there and be part of it. Get out there and find out what it all means and how it works. Watching TV is warm and safe and comfortable. Being out there can be scary, cold, uncomfortable. But at least you know you’re alive.

People are always complaining that life goes faster as they get older. But my experience is that the more we do out in the world, the more time seems to be stretched. If we watch TV, whole evenings can vanish before our very eyes.

Getting involved means cooperating, contributing, taking part.

Not watching from the sidelines while someone else has your life for you. Getting involved means rolling up your sleeves and getting your hands dirty but having an experience along the way, a real experience. Getting involved means joining in, offering help, volunteering, turning a theoretical interest into a real one, being out there and talking to people. Getting involved means having fun—real fun, not TV fun. Getting involved means helping other people appreciate and enjoy their lives a bit more than they would have done without you.

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I have noticed that successful people—and that is what this book is all about, and by successful I do mean content and happy rather than wealthy or famous—have outside interests that don’t earn them any money or bring them any kudos.

Stuff they do for the fun of it, to be helpful, to encourage others. They often find the time by doing it instead of watching more TV (seriously).

They become volunteers, mentors, school governors, local business advisers, charity workers. They join groups, associa-tions, clubs, societies. They get out there and belong and have fun. They put themselves out there to make a difference or share an interest. They go to evening classes in ridiculous subjects. Maybe they laugh and poke gentle fun at themselves for doing it. Maybe they even sometimes wish they hadn’t gotten involved because some things can creep up and take over your life. But they are part of something. Part of the world—in a full and proper sense.

G E T T I N G I N VO LV E D M E A N S

R O L L I N G U P YO U R

S L E E V E S A N D G E T T I N G

YO U R H A N D S D I R T Y

B U T H AV I N G A R E A L

E X P E R I E N C E A LO N G

T H E WAY.

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Keep the Moral High Ground

Boy, is this a simple one to say and a really difficult one to live up to. I do appreciate that it’s a tough one, but I know you can do it. It takes a simple shift of vision, from being the sort of person who acts in a certain way to being a different sort of person who acts in a different sort of way. Look, no matter how rough it gets, you are never going to:

• Take revenge

• Act badly

• Be very, very angry