Rule of Life (4 page)

We all like to read a set paper, watch the same sorts of TV

shows or movies, go to the same sort of shops every time, eat the sort of food that suits us, wear the same type of clothes.

And all this is fine. But if we cut ourselves off from all other possibilities, we become boring, rigid, hardened—and thus likely to get knocked about a bit.

You have to see life as a series of adventures. Each adventure is a chance to have fun, learn something, explore the world, expand your circle of experience and friends, and broaden your horizons. Shutting down to adventure means exactly that—you are shut down.

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The second you are offered an opportunity to have an adventure, to change your thinking, to step outside of yourself, go for it and see what happens. If this thought scares you, remember that you can always go back into your shell the second it’s over, if you want to.

But even saying yes to every opportunity isn’t set in stone as a rule, because that would be inflexible. The really flexible thinkers know when to say “no” as well as when to say “yes.”

If you want to know how flexible your thinking is, here are a couple of tests. Are the books by the side of your bed the same sorts of books you’ve always read? Have you found yourself saying anything like, “I don’t know any people like that” or “I don’t go to those kind of places”? If so, then perhaps it’s time to broaden your mind and take the shackles off your thinking.

T R Y TO S E E L I F E N OT A S

T H E E N E M Y , B U T A S A

F R I E N D LY S PA R R I N G

PA R T N E R .

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Take an Interest in the

Outside World

You may be wondering why this Rule is here and not in with the ones in the section about the world. Well, this one is about you. Taking an interest in the outside world is about developing you, rather than for the world’s benefit. I’m not suggesting you have to watch the news constantly, but by reading, listening, and talking, we keep abreast of what is happening.

Successful Rules Players don’t get bogged down by the minu-tiae of their own lives; they don’t live in a tiny bubble. Make it your mission to know what’s going on in the world—in current events, music, fashion, science, movies, food, transport, even TV. Successful Rules Players are able to hold a conversation on pretty much everything and anything because they are interested in what’s going on. You don’t necessarily have to own the latest everything, but you should have a rough idea of what is changing, what’s new, and what’s happening, both in your community and on the other side of the world.

And the benefits? Well, for starters it makes you more interesting as a person, and it keeps you young. I met an elderly woman in the post office the other day who was going on about PIN numbers, “PIN numbers, PIN numbers—what do I want with PIN numbers at my age?” The short answer is that of course she needs them; she can’t get her pension money without them. But it’s more than that. It is terribly easy to sink into the, “I’ve never done this before, so I don’t need to do it now” mentality. If we do this, we stand a good chance of really missing out.

The happiest, most well-balanced, most successful people in life are those who are part of something. Part of the world, not cut off from it. And the most interesting, stimulating people to R U L E 8

be around are those who take a great interest in what’s happening around them. Listening to the radio the other morning, the head of the American prison service was being interviewed and was talking about penal reform, a subject I have no interest in personally. (I don’t know anyone inside.) You could argue that I didn’t need to know about the American prison service any more than the old woman needed to know about PIN numbers, but I felt more stimulated and alive and interested for it. And that can’t be bad.

TA K I N G A N I N T E R E S T I N

T H E O U T S I D E WO R L D I S

A B O U T D E V E LO P I N G YO U ,

R AT H E R T H A N FO R T H E

WO R L D ’ S B E N E F I T.

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Be on the Side of the Angels,

Not the Beasts

Every single day of our lives we are faced with an immense number of choices. And each and every one of them usually boils down to a simple choice between being on the side of the angels or the beasts. Which are you going to pick? Or did you not even realize what was going on? Let me explain. Every action we take has an effect on our family, people around us, society, the world in general. And that effect can be positive or detrimental—it’s usually our choice. And sometimes it is a difficult choice. We get torn between what we want and what is good for others—personal satisfaction or magnanimity.

Look, no one said this was going to be easy. And making the decision to be on the side of the angels is often a tough call.

But if we want to succeed in this life—and I measure success by how close we get to generating that self-satisfaction/happiness/contentment—then we have to consciously do this. This can be what we dedicate our lives to—angels and not beasts.

If you want to know if you have already made the choice, just do a quick check of how you feel and how you react if someone cuts in front of you in a line of traffic in the rush hour. Or when you’re in a big hurry and someone stops to ask you for directions. Or if you have teenage children and one of them gets into trouble with the police. Or when you lend a friend money and he fails to pay it back. Or if your boss calls you a fool in front of the rest of your colleagues. Or your neighbor’s trees start to encroach on your property. Or you hit your thumb with the hammer. Or, or, or. As I said, it is a choice we have to make every day, lots of times. And it has to become a conscious choice to be effective.

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Now, the problem is that no one is going to tell you exactly what constitutes an angel or a beast. Here you are going to have to set your own parameters. But come on, it can’t be that difficult. I think an awful lot of it is self-evident. Does it hurt or hinder? Are you part of the problem or the solution? Will things get better or worse if you do certain things? You have to make this choice for yourself alone.

It is your interpretation of what is an angel or beast that counts. There is no point in telling anyone else that they are on the side of the beasts, as they may have a totally different definition. What other people do is their choice, and they won’t thank you for telling them otherwise. You can, of course, watch, as an impassive, objective observer and think to yourself: “I wouldn’t have done it like that.” Or “I think they just chose to be an angel.” Or even, “Gosh, how beastly.”

But you don’t have to say anything.

W E G E T TO R N B E T W E E N

W H AT W E WA N T A N D

W H AT I S G O O D FO R

OT H E R S .

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Only Dead Fish Swim with the

Stream

Life is difficult. And the Rule is to thank God* it is so. If it was all fluffy and easy, we wouldn’t be tested, tried, forged in the fire of life. We wouldn’t grow or learn or change or have a chance to rise above ourselves. If life were a series of lovely days, we’d soon get bored. If there was no rain, then there wouldn’t be any feeling of great joy when it finally stopped and we could go to the beach. If it was all easy we couldn’t get stronger.

So, be thankful it is a struggle some of the time, and recognize that only dead fish swim with the stream. For the rest of us, there will be times when it’s an uphill, upstream struggle. We will have to battle waterfalls, dams, and raging torrents. But we have no choice. We have to keep swimming or get swept away. And each flick of our tail, each surge of our fins, makes us stronger and fitter, leaner and happier.

There is a statistic that suggests that for a lot of men, retirement is a really bad idea. Lots of them die within a relatively short time of handing in their briefcase.** They have ceased to swim against the current and get swept away. Keep swimming, little fish, keep swimming.

Try to see each setback as a chance to improve. Trials make you stronger, not weaker. You only get burdened with as much as you can carry—although I do appreciate that at times it may seem as if it’s a whole lot more. And, of course, the struggles don’t come to an end, but there are lulls in-between times—backwaters where we can rest for a while and enjoy

* Or whoever or whatever you choose to so thank. Don’t write in.

** I don’t know if this affects women just as adversely. You may write in.

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the moment before the next obstacle gets thrown our way.

And that’s what life is, what it is meant to be: a series of struggles and lulls. And whatever situation you’re in now, it’s going to change. So what are you in? Lull or struggle? Rain or going to the beach? Learning or enjoying? Dead fish or healthy salmon?

A N D T H AT ’ S W H AT L I F E I S , W H AT I T I S M E A N T TO B E : A S E R I E S O F S T R U G G L E S

A N D LU L L S .

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Be the Last to Raise Your Voice

For me this is a really hard one. I do love to have a good shout. I came from a big, robust family where shouting was a way of life and the only way to get yourself heard, get any attention, or make a point. Dysfunctional? Yes. Noisy? Yes.

Helpful? Probably not.

One of my sons has inherited the shouting gene, and he is very good at it. The temptation is to join in. Luckily, this Rule is be the last to raise your voice, so I do have a get-out clause.

If he shouts first, I’m allowed to shout back. But I do try really hard not to. For me, shouting in any form is a bad thing, a sign that I have lost control, lost the argument. The son of a vicar once saw his father’s sermon notes and in the margin he had pencilled, “Shout here, argument weak.” I think this just about sums it all up.

But I have shouted at various times and, invariably, I regret each and every occasion. I know I’ve regretted the time I was very shouty in a well-known high street electrical chain over a damaged video player. At that time I did get my own way, but the reality is that it was a bad thing and deep down I’m quite ashamed of myself.

So what do you do if you, too, have inherited the shouty gene like I have? I find that I have to walk away to stop the inevitable decline into shouting in a challenging situation.

That’s a tough one, especially if you know you’re right. There are so many things that make us shout, so many situations where we feel that a judicious loss of temper will get us our own way. But we are dealing with real live human beings who have their own feelings, and shouting is not justified—even if they start it first.

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There are two situations where people lose their temper—justified and manipulative. The first is where you run over their foot with your car and refuse to apologize or acknowledge you have done anything wrong. In this situation, they are allowed to shout. The second situation is where people use anger to get their own way—a sort of emotional blackmail. You are allowed to ignore them or to be assertive to control the situation. You are not allowed to shout back.

I know, I know, there are all sorts of situations where shouting seems appropriate—the dog is stealing the Sunday dinner; the kids won’t tidy their room; your computer has crashed again and the repair department won’t fix it quickly enough; the local deliquents are adorning your fence, again; after going through the umpteen options over and over again, you fail to get through to the receptionist after holding for 20 minutes; the clerk put up the closed sign just as you get to the counter; someone is clearly being stupid and deliberately choosing to misunderstand you.

And on and on and on. But if you take this Rule as a simple “I don’t do shouting,” it becomes an easy benchmark to stick to.

You become known as someone who is incredibly calm no matter what is happening. Calm people are trusted. Calm people are relied on. Calm people are looked up to and given responsibility. Calm people last longer.

S H O U T H E R E ,

A R G U M E N T W E A K .

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Be Your Own Adviser

Deep down within all of us is a fount of wisdom. This is called intuition. Listening to your intuition is a slow-learned process.

It starts by recognizing that tiny inner voice or feeling that will tell you when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. It’s an incredibly still, quiet voice and needs silence and concen-tration to hear it properly to begin with.

You might like to call it your conscience if you like, but deep down you know when you’ve done something bad. You know when you’ve got to apologize, make amends, put things right.

You know. And I know you know. I know because we all know. There’s no getting away from it.

Once you start listening to that inner voice or feeling the feeling, you’ll find it can help. It will become more than a mindless parrot perched on your shoulder, chanting, “You messed up again” after the event. The key is when you hear your intuition telling you whether something is the right thing to do or not—before you do it.

Try running stuff past your inner you
before
doing things and see what reaction you get. Once you get used to this, you’ll find it easier. Imagine, in any situation, that you have a small child standing at your side and you have to explain things to them. Imagine that she asks questions—”Why are you doing that? What’s right and wrong? Should we do this?”—and you have to answer. Only in this situation, you ask the questions and you answer yourself. And you’ll find you already know everything there is to know and everything you’ll ever need to know.

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Listen, and it’s all there. If you are going to trust any adviser, who will it be? It makes sense for it to be you because you have all the facts, all the experience, all the knowledge at your fingertips. No one else has. No one can get inside you and see exactly what’s going on.