Rule of Life (6 page)

And the same is true for everything you do. You aim to be the very best that you think is possible. Once you become the judge, the panel of experts, it is very easy to live up to those expectations because they are entirely yours. No one else can say whether you have failed or succeeded. No one else can set the criteria for what you are about to embark on.

Look, maybe this is a trick. If only you can judge whether you have succeeded, then obviously you are going to score 10 out of 10 every time. Aren’t you? Probably not. It is amazing how tough we are on ourselves when no one is looking. If we are only cheating ourselves, then we realize there simply isn’t any point to it.

The most marvelous thing about setting your own standards is that no one else can judge; others can’t get their sticky little fingers on what, for you, is right or wrong, good or bad. How R U L E 1 8

liberating is that? Infinitely. Having established that you’ll aim for the very best and you’ve set the standards of what that is, all you have to do is periodically check back to that standard to see how you are doing.

None of this has to be incredibly detailed. For instance, your view of being the best parent could be as simple as “I’ll always be there for them.” You don’t have to provide details, even if it is just for yourself, of how many times a day you’ll tell them you love them, or whether you make sure they wear clean socks every day. No, your aim is simply “To be there for them, always,” and that is your very, very best. Now, if you fail, it is only because you weren’t there for them. Failing is fine.

Aiming for second best isn’t.

All you have to do is consciously think about what you are doing and then aim for that, the best. The secret is to be aware of what you are doing and have some sort of benchmark where you, and only you, monitor your performance. Make your goals, your aims, simple and obviously attainable. Make sure you know what is, for you, best and second best.

FA I L I N G I S F I N E .

A I M I N G FO R S E C O N D B E S T

I S N ’ T.

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Don’t Expect to Be Perfect

OK, so you’re aiming to be the very best at everything. But what if you fail? So long as you tried, that’s all right. Who have you ever met who never failed at anything, however small?

You’re allowed to be human, you know. In fact, you’re actively encouraged to be human. Don’t try to set yourself above everyone else—the rest of us fail from time to time.

If you’re not a perfectionist in any way—sloppy, haphazard, unorganized, messy, and with a “so what” attitude, please skip this section. But I hardly know anyone like that. I have a friend who is a silversmith. His house is a mess, his personal life is all over the place, but every piece of jewelry he turns out has to be exactly right. Most of us have some perfectionist ten-dencies.

My jeweler friend is quite right that every piece of work has to be perfect (certainly at his prices). If any piece is faulty, he shouldn’t sell it. But that doesn’t mean that he should beat himself up for having failed. He can just recognize that not everything works out and get to work on the next piece.

I can’t stand people who seem perfect. They make me feel inadequate. And that’s not a nice way to go through life, is it?

Going around making other people feel inadequate. So let’s have none of it. Let’s all aim to be the best but acknowledge that it won’t always happen. Just like gemstones, it’s the flaws, the weaknesses, the imperfections that lend character. A flaw in a gemstone may detract from its value (though not always), but it also proves that it’s genuine.

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You are the sum total of everything that has happened in your life—the successes and the failures, the achievements and the mistakes. If you were to take any of the imperfect bits out of that equation, you wouldn’t be you.

This Rule really does belong with the last one because I’m not saying that you can be uncommitted and half-hearted about everything you do because you don’t need to be perfect. And as a Rules Player, I’m sure you wouldn’t take it that way. The point is that so long as you’re aiming for the best, you shouldn’t beat yourself up when you don’t always make it. Not only that, but you should celebrate your flaws and imperfections as an important and necessary part of you. This is an attitude that will make you a lot more fun to be around, I can tell you.

C E L E B R AT E YO U R F L AW S

A N D I M P E R F E CT I O N S A S

A N I M P O R TA N T A N D

N E C E SS A R Y PA R T O F YO U .

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Don’t Be Afraid to Dream

This may seem incredibly obvious, incredibly easy, but you would be surprised how many people seriously limit their dreams. They’re your dreams, for heaven’s sake. There should be no limit to them. Plans have to be realistic; dreams don’t.

I worked in the casino business for many years and was always intrigued that “punters” (what we should really call

“customers”) could never see it; that they would always lose because they wouldn’t limit their losses but would always limit their winnings. Don’t ask me why. I guess addicted gamblers are seriously not well. They’d go in with the right attitude—

“I’ll just lose this $100 and then pack it in.” Result: They’d lose the $100 and cash a check to chase it. Then another to chase the lost check. And another.

I’m not advocating gambling, by the way—not now, not ever.

It’s really not a good idea, believe me. The point is that people limit their dreams the way they limit their winnings. And yet dreams are at worst harmless. Don’t limit them! You are allowed to dream as high, as wide, as big, as extravagant, as impossible, as wacky, as silly, as bizarre, as unrealistically non-sensical as you want.

You are allowed to wish for anything you want as well. Look, wishes and dreams are private affairs. There are no wish police, no dream doctors who are on the rampage looking out for unrealistic demands. It is a private thing between you and … that’s it. Between you and absolutely no one else at all.

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The only note of caution here—and I do speak from personal experience—is to be very careful of what you do wish for, what you dream of, because it might just come true. And where would you be then?

A lot of people think their dreams have to be realistic to be worth dreaming about. But that’s a plan, and that is something quite different. I have plans, and I take logical steps to make them come to fruition. Dreams are allowed to be so improba-ble that they are never likely to come true. And don’t go thinking you’ll never achieve anything by sitting around day-dreaming all day. Some of the most successful people have also been those who have dared to dream the most. It isn’t a coincidence.

P L A N S H AV E TO B E

R E A L I S T I C ;

D R E A M S D O N ’ T.

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If You’re Going to Jump Off a

Bridge, Make Sure You Know

How Deep the Water Is

Me, I’ve always been a risk-taker. Too much of a risk-taker, some might say. In the long term, I haven’t regretted the things I’ve done in life because they’ve made me who I am, and anyway you never know where the alternative would have gotten you. In the short term, however, I have often caught myself thinking, “You idiot! Why didn’t you see that coming?”

The answer, of course, is because I didn’t check how deep the water was before I jumped. There was the time I gave up a very good, steady job to become a writer. Didn’t think about how long it would take to make any money as a writer.* Didn’t plan out whether my savings would last. Didn’t calculate what the mortgage, bills, weekly shopping, car, pet food, and all the rest would cost me with a new lifestyle. Well, eventually I started to make a living from my writing, but there were some pretty sticky years first, I can tell you.

I’ve always been terrified of ending up like those people I know who never take risks and who never go anywhere, change, grow, do anything, realize their dreams. I’ve seen it too often, and I don’t want my name added to the list, thank you.

But over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who are really happy are the ones who take risks, sure, but they look ahead first. Not looking for excuses to stay on the shore, but looking to see how deep the water is. As I’ve learned (shamefully slowly) to copy their example, I’ve found it makes me happier, too. I get what I want, and without paying as heavily for it as I often used to.

* The answer, if you’re wondering, is several years.

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I’ve been gullible in the past. Friends have said, “Come in, the water’s lovely! Join us in this business venture/vacation/game.”

And I’ve just jumped in without looking. Funnily enough, sometimes it’s turned out that the water is actually cold, murky, muddy, clammy. And invariably wet. Ugh! I’ve also had friends ask me to support them in ways that I haven’t thought through. There’s an instinct to help your friends when they’re in trouble, but sometimes a loan that isn’t repaid is more than you can afford. Or putting in time to listen to their troubles invades so much of your life that your family suffers.

So whether you’re jumping off that bridge with a friend or on your own, just check the depth first. The water may indeed be lovely, but sometimes it’s better to stand on a bank and dip a toe in, or paddle about a bit, so you have a better idea what it is you’re jumping in to.

S O M E T I M E S I T ’ S B E T T E R

TO S TA N D O N A B A N K A N D

D I P A TO E I N ,

O R PA D D L E A B O U T A B I T.

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Don’t Dwell on the Past

Whatever the past was, it’s gone. There is nothing you can do to change anything that has gone before, and so you must turn your attention to the here and now. It is hard to resist the allure of dwelling on what has gone before. But if you want to be successful in your life, you have to turn your attention to what is happening for you right now. You might be tempted to dwell on the past because it was awful or because it was wonderful. Either way, you have to leave it behind because the only way to live is in the present.

If you’re revisiting the past because of regrets, then you need to be clear that you can’t go back and undo what you’ve done.

If you hang on to guilt, you’re only damaging yourself. We’ve all made bad decisions that have adversely affected people around us that we professed to love but whom we treated dis-gracefully. There isn’t anything you can do to wipe the slate clean. What you can do is to resolve not to make such bad decisions again. That’s all anyone can ask of us—that we acknowledge where we messed up and are trying our hardest not to repeat the pattern.

If the past was better for you and you hanker after your glory days, then learn to appreciate the memories but also move on and put your efforts into finding a different kind of good time right now. If it truly was better back then (take off those rose-tinted spectacles for a minute), maybe you can analyze exactly why—money, power, health, vitality, fun, youth. Then move on to find other avenues to explore. We all have to leave good stuff behind and find new challenges, new areas to inspire us.

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Every day that we wake up is a fresh start, and we can make of it what we want, write what we want on that blank canvas.

Keeping that enthusiasm going can be tough—a bit like trying to take up exercise. The first few times are impossibly hard, but if you persevere, then one day you find you’re jogging, walking, swimming without conscious effort. But getting going is really tough and requires immense powers of concen-tration, enthusiasm, dedication, and perseverance to keep at it.

Try to see the past as a room separate from the one you live in now. You can go in there, but you don’t live there anymore.

You can go visit, but it isn’t home any more. Home is here now. Each second of this present is precious. Don’t waste any drops of precious time by spending too much time in that old room. Don’t miss what is happening now because you were too busy looking back, or later you’ll be busy looking back at this time and wondering why you wasted it. Live here, live now, live in this moment.

L I V E H E R E ,

L I V E N OW ,

L I V E I N T H I S M O M E N T.

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Don’t Live in the Future

Heck, if you thought the previous Rule was tough, try this one … But the future is where it’s all going to happen, I hear you cry. The future is where I’m going to be successful, happy, rich, beautiful, famous, in love, in work, out of this crap relationship, out on the town, surrounded by friends, surrounded by the finest wines money can buy. Yep, those might be plans or dreams or whatever. But again, this here and now is where it is actually at. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all your life. This is the moment you must appreciate without all those other things you long for. Look, longing really is the sweetest thing. Having those dreams is brilliant. Don’t let anyone ever tell you dreaming is a bad thing. But appreciate that it is the you right now that is doing the dreaming. Enjoy the wishing and the longing. Enjoy being alive and having the strength and vitality to do all that dreaming.

Living in the moment doesn’t mean throwing away all your responsibilities and cares; it doesn’t mean taking off and being a total pleasure seeker; it doesn’t mean sitting cross-legged and breathing deeply—although all and any of these things is fine if you want. It just means taking a moment or two every now and then to appreciate being alive and to aim to act like today matters and live life to the full, right here, right now.

We can’t project all our future happiness into the future—“Oh if only I were richer/younger/healthier/happier/more in love/less in this relationship/had a better job/had nicer children/had a better car/were slimmer/taller/fitter/had more hair/better teeth/more clothes”—the list is endless. If only this or that was changed everything would be perfect, wouldn’t it?