Running with Scissors (31 page)

ex-boyfriends. What he’d pissed away in both Connor and

A.J., though? That was something much deeper. They’d been

friends. There’d been intimacy there that didn’t only show up

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when the clothes came off. Now Connor hated him and A.J.

couldn’t stand the sight of him.

The more he realized how similar those two relationships

were, the deeper the truth cut. Not only how much he’d hurt

Connor, but how much he really felt for A.J. They weren’t just

fuck buddies. Hadn’t been from the start.

“What is it going to take for you to stop getting a good thing
and fucking it up?”

He sniffed sharply.
Yeah, Jude. What
is
it going to take?

Something. He had to do something. What, he didn’t

know, but maybe once he’d slept on it, he’d figure it out.

Standing here all night wasn’t going to fix anything.

He quietly boarded the bus again and crept back to the

sleeping area. He settled into his bunk, but unsurprisingly,

sleep didn’t come.

A.J. breathed. Connor breathed.

And Jude prayed like hell for a way to fix everything he’d

fucked up.

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ude looked like shit the next day.

jA.J. wasn’t surprised. He’d heard him get up and leave

during the night, and whenever he was in his bunk, he’d been

tossing and turning. More than once, A.J. had considered

going out and checking on him, making sure he wasn’t

completely fal ing apart, but . . . no. That would have only

made things weird. Weird
er
.

So he’d stayed in his bunk and listened as Jude returned,

pretending to be asleep. After a while, he really had fallen

asleep. This morning, judging by the circles under Jude’s eyes

and the way he was dragging ass and sucking down coffee, A.J.

had been the lucky one.

This is what he wanted. He’ll be fine and so will I.

Eventually.

Throughout the day, as the band got ready for that night’s

show, A.J. avoided Jude as much as he could. If they had to be

in the same room, they were never alone. Twice, Jude tried to

pull him aside and talk to him, but A.J. . . . he just couldn’t.

Every time they’d talked so far, A.J. had felt worse afterward, so he wasn’t in a hurry to do it again.

“Can we talk?” Jude asked an hour or so before they were

to leave the bus for sound check.

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A.J. debated it but then shook his head. “I’d really

rather not.”

Jude watched him. A.J. cringed inwardly, certain Jude was

about to push it.

Please. Not tonight. Just . . . not now.

After a moment, though, Jude nodded. “Okay,” he said

simply, and just like that, he was gone. Off the bus, out of

sight.A.J. exhaled, leaning against the table. Maybe he should

hear him out. Was he being a dick by refusing to even listen to whatever Jude had to say? Maybe. Maybe not. He had no idea.

They
had
agreed to be friends, after al .

But for tonight, at least, he couldn’t cope with it. Letting

go of Jude shouldn’t have been this hard—they’d been fuck

buddies, for God’s sake—and he didn’t want Jude to see that

it was.

The door opened again, and his heart skipped. Fuck. So

much for backing off.

But it wasn’t Jude.

Shiloh came up the steps and when she saw him, cocked

her head. “Hey. Are you, um, doing okay? I just saw Jude

leave.”

“You should be on vocal rest.”

“I can handle a conversation if I’m concerned about a

bandmate.” Her eyebrows pinched together. “
Are
you doing okay?”

He shrugged as he shifted his gaze away. “If I’m not, it’s

my own damn fault.”

“A.J.” When he turned, she sighed. “Look, I can be angry

about what happened and still care about how you’re doing.”

“Yeah, you can. Do you?”

245

“Yes.” She gestured over her shoulder. “Did something

happen? With Jude?”

“No.” He rubbed his neck. God, he was stiff today. “He

was just getting something, and I’m about to go find food.”

Good enough excuses, he decided.

She watched him quietly. “You guys seem to be doing

okay with each other. No screaming matches, anyway.”

Maybe we’re better actors than musicians.

“What else can we do?” he asked. “We were together. Now

we’re not. But we still have to work together.” He shrugged.

“So we are.”

And it’s going to drive me insane.

“I know, but . . .” She took a breath. “To be honest, I’m

surprised you’re both handling it as well as you are.”

“It’s only been two days. Give us time.”

“I’m serious. I mean, the tension is . . . well, it is what

it is. But you and I have both been through Wyatt and

Connor fighting on the bus, and I watched Connor and Jude

screaming at each other every chance they had.” She lifted a

shoulder in a tight half-shrug. “Considering you guys aren’t

even together anymore, you’re just staying out of each other’s

way. Not dragging the rest of the band into it.” She smiled a

little. “I appreciate that.”

“Don’t mention it,” he muttered.

She touched his arm. “I know you guys didn’t do this to

be malicious. And I know what you’re doing now is hard.”

He swallowed and met her gaze. “We owe it to you guys.

The band is important to both of us. We can learn to live with

this part.”

“Thank you.” She squeezed his arm and then withdrew

her hand. “We all have to be there for each other out here on

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the road. So if you need anything, even if you just want to

talk, I’m here. Okay?”

A.J. nodded. It was weird, getting sympathy and support

from one of the people who’d felt most betrayed by him

getting involved with Jude. And it made him feel worse

for not resisting the temptation. His bandmates were good

people. They worked hard. They deserved better.

“Thanks,” he murmured. “I’m, uh, okay for now, though.”

“The offer’s there if you need it.”

He nodded. “You should . . . your voice. You—”

“I know. But it was worth it to make sure you’re all right.”

Well, now he felt like a complete jackass. Shiloh actually

cared about him. Or maybe she was just feeling him out to

make sure he and Jude didn’t kill each other onstage that

night.

While Shiloh made herself some tea and rested her

voice, A.J. left the bus, ostensibly to find his drum tech and

start setting up his rig. Really, he just wanted to get outside and be alone for a few minutes. To get some air, as Connor

always did.

And of course, the minute he stepped off the bus, there

was Jude.

Bleary-eyed. Quiet. Smoking against the venue wal .

Their eyes met. The question was still there in Jude’s

expression.

Can we talk?

A.J. looked away and kept walking. Maybe they’d talk

eventually. Maybe he’d be okay eventually.

But not tonight.

247

hree or four days later—being on the road did weird

t things to Jude’s perception of time—the band was on

some straight, flat stretch of interstate again. He couldn’t

quite remember where the next show was. Somewhere in

Michigan or something? Wherever.

They’d pulled into a truck stop in the middle of nowhere,

and everyone was slowly trickling back to the bus. He was

outside smoking, of course. Connor and Kristy were still out,

but no one was in a huge hurry, and Jude admittedly didn’t

mind a break from Connor’s presence.

Especially since he couldn’t get a break from A.J.’s. As he’d

expected, touring and performing with his now-ex was tough,

but they were getting through it. One show at a time. One

mile at a time. One quiet but civil moment of eye contact at

a time.

Today, though, he was restless. He needed to talk to

A.J., and whether they liked it or not, it couldn’t wait. After al , they’d promised the band and each other that they’d be

professional. Even if starting the conversation wasn’t the most comfortable prospect in the world, it was necessary.

Suck it up. The band comes first.

248

He put out his cigarette, took a deep breath, and boarded

the bus.

A.J. hadn’t yet settled in. He was rummaging around in a

duffel bag, his Kindle and MP3 player on a cushion as if to let the others know he planned to sit there.

“Hey.” Jude muffled a cough. “Do you have a few

minutes?”

A.J. lifted his gaze.

Behind him, Shiloh lowered her book. Vanessa pulled out

one of her earbuds. Jude was pretty sure he sensed Richie’s

gaze on his back.

A.J. glanced around as if searching for an escape.

“About the music,” Jude added quietly.

A.J. met his gaze again. “Um. Okay?”

Jude resisted the urge to find something for his fingers to

tap. “There’s a . . . a section of ‘Eagle Eyes’ that I think, um, needs some work.”

Standing straighter, A.J. narrowed his eyes. “Problem

with the percussion?”

“Well, the rhythm section. Both of us.”

“What do you mean?”

“I think we’re drowning each other out. I’m wondering if

we should move a couple of parts around.”

A.J. shifted a little, some of the tension leaving his posture

as he slid his hands into his pockets. “You mean during the

chorus, right?”

“Yeah. The thing is, it works in the recording, but live . . .”

Jude shook his head. “Is it just me?”

A.J. gnawed his lip. His eyes lost focus, and he bobbed

his head subtly, as if nodding to the unheard beat. After

moment, he met Jude’s gaze. “No, it’s not just you. What do

you suggest?”

249

Behind him, Vanessa and Shiloh exchanged wide-eyed

glances.

“I’m not sure,” Jude said. “I mean, it’s a solid drum part. I

don’t think we should kill it.”

“But the bass line is good too.”

“I know. I’m . . . I mean, maybe we should try a few things

during sound check tomorrow night.”

A.J. nodded. “Yeah. Okay. I can have my tech set me up

early, and we can give it a try.”

“Sure. Good. I can be there. Maybe half hour before

sound check?”

“Okay.”

Jude smiled. “All right.”

They held each other’s gazes, and some of that

awkwardness tried to creep in, but then they broke eye

contact and went their separate ways. A.J. settled into his seat with his book and music. Jude went into the back to dig out

his phone charger.

As soon as he was away from everyone else, behind the

curtain dividing the sleeping area from the rest of the bus,

he closed his eyes and released a breath. So that hadn’t been

as painful as he’d expected. Difficult, yes, but they’d gotten

through it. Tomorrow night, they’d rehearse together, figure

out why the song wasn’t working, and have it sorted out

before the show.

We’ve got this. We can do this.

The curtain squeaked across its tracks. He turned around

as Shiloh stepped in.

She closed the curtain behind her. “Hey.”

He swallowed. “Hey.”

“So, um . . .” She folded her arms loosely. “Do you, uh,

want any of the rest of us to be there early tomorrow night?”

250

“No, I think we can sort it out. It’s mostly a bass and

percussion issue, so—”

“That’s not what I meant.” She tilted her head. “Are you

two . . .”

“Oh.” Jude waved his hand. “No, no. We’ll be fine. You

saw us out there.” He gestured past her. “We’re good.”

She held his gaze, and after a moment, she nodded. “Yeah.

You seem to be.”

“So, why are we having this conversation?”

“Well, I . . .” Shiloh shifted her weight. “I don’t know.

Maybe you guys have this under control more than I thought

you did.”

“Thanks?”

She laughed softly. “You know what I mean. We’re all

kind of on edge.”

“Yeah.” He sighed, resting his forearm along the upper

rack—A.J.’s, he realized a second too late—and pressing his

forehead against it. “I know you are. And I’m sorry.”

Shiloh was quiet for a few seconds. Then she stepped a

little closer. “I know this is hard for you guys, but . . . thank you. For being civil.”

“We said we would be.” He closed his eyes. “And yeah, it’s

hard.”

So much harder than it should be.

She touched his arm. “I believe it. But after you and

Connor, and after Wyatt and Connor, I have to admit, I

expected—”

“You do realize Connor is the common denominator

there, right?” He’d known it was true when A.J. said it, but it really clicked now that he’d repeated it to Shiloh.

“Yeah.” She withdrew her hand. “Trust me, I’m well aware

of that.”

He raised his head. “But?”

251

Shiloh swallowed. “But I also know that anyone is going

to struggle when they’re in close confines with someone

they’d just as soon be away from.”

I don’t want to be away from him.

Who am I kidding? I want to be on the other side of the

world from him.

Bullshit. I want—

He shook himself and raked a hand through his hair.

“We promised you guys we’d make this work. If it’s tough, it’s