Running with Scissors (35 page)

what you want me to do.”

Everyone exchanged uncertain looks. For a long moment,

no one spoke.

“What do we want you to do?” Shiloh said. “Well, I . . .

I’d like . . .” Then she pushed out a ragged breath. “You know

what? I’m fucking tired of this band hitting a wall every time

277

one of you gets into a relationship. I haven’t been on a date in three fucking years. I couldn’t call my mom on her birthday

because I was on vocal rest. I bust my ass, just like Vanessa and Richie and—” Shiloh’s voice cracked. She sniffed sharply and

set her jaw as she composed herself. “Just . . . after all the work it’s taken to get to this point, and all the shit we’ve all given up to get this far, could one of you act for five goddamn seconds

like any of that
means
something?”

“It does mean something, Shiloh,” Jude said quietly. “This

band means everything to me, and it killed me to be away

from it for that long.”

She swallowed. “Then why . . .?”

“I couldn’t explain why if I tried.” He took a deep breath.

“It happened, and I can’t change it. And I can’t change what

I feel for A.J.”

Beside them, Connor cursed under his breath.

Jude went on, “I want to make this work. We’re both

committed to the band, and to handling our own relationship

separately.”

Shiloh held his gaze for a long moment. A.J.’s heart lodged

itself in his throat, and everyone seemed to be waiting for her to speak, as if they all intended to go along with her verdict.

Finally, her shoulders dropped. “I’m not going to tell

you how to run your relationships. And I don’t want either

of you out of the band. But if this continues, you have got to

understand how much trust we’re all putting on you to not

screw us over again.”

“Totally understood,” A.J. said.

Jude nodded. “Absolutely.”

Vanessa chewed her lip. “Well, you guys have been okay.

And you’ve proven you can work together even after you’ve

split.” After a moment, she sighed. “I still don’t think we have 278

much choice, but I . . . I guess I can live with it. The first sign of drama, though . . .” She shot them both a pointed look.

Richie shrugged. “I don’t really give a fuck what you guys

do on your own, as long as you can play onstage and nobody’s

fighting on the bus.”

“I’m completely okay with that,” A.J. said. “Jude’s

important to me, but so’s the band. I don’t want to fuck it up

or fuck up my place in it.”

One by one, every head turned. Every pair of eyes flicked

in the same direction. And finally, Jude joined them, looking

right at Connor.

A million different emotions seemed to be trying to play

out on Connor’s face. His lips tightened. His Adam’s apple

jumped.

Then, abruptly, he turned on his heel and walked out,

throwing over his shoulder, “Fuck this, I’m done.”

The door slammed. Shiloh glared at Jude. “I don’t care

what you have to say to him, you had
better
fucking fix this.”

“I know.” Jude glanced at A.J. “I’m on it.”

And with that, he was gone.

279

ude had long ago learned that there was no reasoning

jwith Connor when he reached this point, but damn

it, this had all gone on long enough. The door banged shut

behind him, and he jogged after Connor, who was on his

way into the venue’s mostly deserted staging area. The other

door was about to slam, but Jude caught it and strode after

him. “Connor, wait.” He gritted his teeth. “Just fucking
stop
already.”

Connor spun around. “Why?”

“Because we need to talk.”

“Yeah? About what?” Connor stepped closer, eyes

narrow. “I think it’s pretty clear that your priorities are where you put your dick first,
then
the band you claim to care so much about.”

“You know that isn’t true.”

“Oh really? Because I seem to recall you fucking around

with someone else, and then ditching the band because you

couldn’t stand the sight of me anymore.” His voice vibrated

with anger, but the faintest wobble betrayed the other

emotions underneath. And there were few things Jude had

ever seen that cut deeper than the faint shine of tears in

280

Connor’s eyes. It had hurt back then, back when his anger

hadn’t been able to hide the look of betrayal, and it hurt like hell now.

Jude pulled in a breath. “Connor, I’m sorry.”

Connor folded his arms. “For which part?”

“All of it. Just . . .” Jude struggled to look his ex in the eye.

“
All
of it.”

“That covers a lot of ground,” Connor growled.

Jude exhaled slowly, struggling to stay calm. “I’m not the

only one whose relationships have fucked up the band.”

“Don’t even go there, Jude.” Connor’s tone was flat but

taut. “Do not go there.”

“Actually, I think we both need to go there. You and me,

you and Wyatt, me and A.J.—we all fucked up, and—”

“Then fucking leave again,” Connor snapped. “Let’s

keep the trend going. Leave like you did the first time, and

like Wyatt did, and don’t let the goddamned door hit you

on the—”

“Connor.” Jude patted the air with both hands. “I didn’t

come out here to fight with you. I’m saying we’ve both fucked

up, and neither of us can change any of that. And yes, if I

could change any of that, I would, but I can’t. The only thing

I can do now is try to make things right
now
.”

“You’re on a rol , then. Didn’t Kristy specifically tell us all to keep our dicks out of the other band members? You know,

so we wouldn’t—”

“I get it. I swear to God, I do.”

“Do you?” Connor waved his arm in the direction they’d

both come from. “Then why the hell did I walk in on you

sucking face with A.J.? And why did the whole band just have

to listen to you assholes tell us you’re going to keep fucking

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anyway? Or did you just have this little epiphany in the last

ten fucking seconds?”

Anger surged in Jude’s chest, but he took a breath.

Getting into a screaming match with Connor would get them

nowhere. Injecting as much calm as he could into his voice, he

said, “Look, I came back to the band because you guys needed

me, and I needed you guys.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?” Connor’s eyes narrowed, masking

the shine and making him look equal parts annoyed and

bored. “Ran out of dicks to suck in Los Angeles?”

“No,” Jude said through his teeth. “I’ve been flailing ever

since I left. It was . . . Fuck, it was the biggest mistake I ever made besides cheating on you.”

Connor flinched. His features hardened, and that

undercurrent of hurt dissipated as he glared down his nose at

Jude. “You keep saying that shit was a mistake, and that you’re sorry. But you obviously weren’t sorry enough to keep your

hands off another band member.”

“I . . . That wasn’t what I set out to—”

“Yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, you self-righteous son of a

bitch. What was it you said when you came back? That you’re

going to put the needs of the band first this time? Really?”

He rolled his eyes. “Spare me, asshole. Where was all that shit two years ago? You didn’t give a fuck about the band when

you fucked that bartender behind my back, but suddenly—”

“Don’t even go there,” Jude snarled. “You can say what

you want about me, but don’t you dare imply that I didn’t care

about the band.”

“Well, did you? Because last time I saw you, you were

walking the fuck away—”

“Because I couldn’t cope with being around you, all right?

I didn’t want to leave. I . . . Fuck, Connor. I was giving up the 282

band. I was giving up my best friend. I was giving up someone

I’d fallen pretty fucking hard for.” Jude forced back the lump

rising in his throat. “You’d better believe it wasn’t an easy

decision, and it hurt. It’s hurt ever since.”

“Obviously not enough to keep your dick out of A.J., but

then . . .” He laughed bitterly. “We all know what happens

when your dick is in control.”

Jude flinched. “That isn’t what happened back then, and

you know it.”

“Isn’t it?” Connor folded his arms. “Then what
did

happen?”

“What happened was . . .” Jude hesitated. Then he dropped

his gaze. “What happened was I fucked up, all right? I was

pissed off, and instead of coming to you and talking about it

like I should have, I—”

“You fucked a bartender. In the same bed where you’d

been fucking me.”

“Yeah. That.” He pushed his shoulders back and met

Connor’s eyes. “It was a mistake. I knew what I was doing,

and I did it anyway, and I’ve hated myself for it ever since.” He released a breath. “I’m sorry. Okay? I know it doesn’t change a damn thing, and I could say it a million times and it wouldn’t

change a thing, but there hasn’t been a day that’s gone by that I haven’t regretted cheating on you or leaving the band right

when we all needed each other.”

Connor tensed. Then he exhaled sharply. “Fuck it. I’m

going to get some—”

“You don’t need some air this time,” Jude snapped. “And if

you do, I’m coming with you, because I could use a goddamned

smoke. But wherever you go, we’re going together, because

we’re fucking settling this.
Now
.”

“Whatever, man.” Connor turned to go. “I’m done.” 283

“Would you quit walking away every time something—”

“Oh, fuck you.” Connor spun around and got in Jude’s

face, stabbing a finger at his chest and almost hitting him.

“Fuck you, Jude. I might walk away and cool down, but at

least I come the fuck back. You walk away and disappear,

and leave people behind who you claim to care about, and

people who you’ve even managed to convince you love, and

you never come back until someone fucking begs you to.” He

stabbed his finger again, and this time thumped the middle

of Jude’s chest. “You want to tell someone not to walk away?

Start with yourself, asshole.”

Jude was ready to throw Wyatt in Connor’s face again,

but held back. He wanted to settle this, not throw gas on the

inferno.

And Wyatt would be gas on the inferno, wouldn’t he? Just

like Jude’s presence was salt in the open wound.

Jesus. No wonder Connor was so pissed about him being

involved with A.J. The wound Jude had left was apparently

still fresh, and Wyatt hadn’t left all that long ago, so that

was likely a raw nerve too. And now Jude was sleeping with

another band member right under his nose. Practically in his

face. God, as good as Connor was at hiding things, he must’ve

been a wreck right now. Just having Jude back in the band

must’ve been painful as hell, and to add this . . .

Jude swallowed. “Looks, whatever happened with Wyatt,

it obviously still hurts.”

Connor winced, turning away and tightening his arms

across his chest.

Speaking as gently as he could, Jude said, “But there had

to be a reason you two hooked up even though you knew

what could happen. The road’s lonely. We all have to lean on

284

each other. And . . . things happen. They happened between

us, they happened between you and Wyatt, and—”

“And they happened between you and A.J.,” Connor

growled.

“Yeah. They did. And—”

“Don’t you dare compare those to each other. They’re not

the same at al .”

“Why not?”

“Because Wyatt was the one who helped me pick up the

pieces after the love of my life—” His teeth snapped together.

Jude’s heart skipped. “Connor . . .”

Connor rubbed an unsteady hand over his face. “You

weren’t there. He was.”

“I also wasn’t the love of your life.”

Connor dropped his hand, and when he met Jude’s gaze,

his wasn’t just full of hurt, it was full of tears. He started to speak, but then cursed and swiped at his eyes.

“Look at us,” Jude whispered. “Look at where we were

before we split up. Don’t you think we both deserve better

than that?”

Connor leaned against the wal , and when he wiped his

eyes this time, it didn’t do any good.

With his heart in his throat, Jude stepped closer. He

expected Connor to recoil, but he didn’t, so Jude wrapped

his arms around him.

And Connor broke down.

Jude struggled to hold on to Connor as well as keep his

own composure together. They’d known each other since they

were kids, and he’d never seen Connor cry. Not when his first

girlfriend dumped him their freshman year, not when he ran

with Mrs. Newman’s scissors and gave himself that scar—he

was always stoic to the point of callous.

285

But not tonight.

Eyes closed, Jude stroked Connor’s hair. “I’m so sorry I

hurt you.”

“I loved you, Jude,” Connor whispered. “More than

anything.”

Jude choked back his own tears. “I loved you too.” He

held Connor tighter. “I did something stupid out of anger,

and there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t wished I could undo

all of that shit.”

“But why?” Connor drew back and looked up at him, eyes

red and wet. “I know we were in a bad spot, but . . .”

Jude shook his head. “I’ve been asking myself the same