Running with Scissors (36 page)

thing ever since. We weren’t going to make it, but it shouldn’t have ended like that.”

Connor flinched. “We could have . . .”

“No. If we’d been more mature, we could’ve put it to bed

and stayed friends, but we wouldn’t have pulled off more than

that.”Connor sniffed sharply and wiped his eyes again. The

tension was returning to his posture, but he didn’t speak.

“Let me throw you a hypothetical,” Jude said. “What if I

hadn’t
cheated on you? And I hadn’t left the band when I did?

Where do you think we’d be now?”

Connor’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, do you think we
ever
would have gotten our shit together?”

Connor quirked his lips, and his eyes lost focus for a

moment. Then he shrugged. “I don’t know what could’ve

happened. Just that one day you were there, and I thought we

could fix things, and then you were gone.”

“Think about it.” Jude sighed. “Look at us, Connor. The

only difference between what we’re doing right now and what

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we did back then is that we’re not going to have makeup sex

afterward.”

Connor dropped his gaze.

“It’s true. You know—”

“So, what if it is?” Connor waved his hand. “Since we

were doomed to fail, that justifies what—”

“No, I’m not justifying anything. I’m just saying that

maybe we need to let it go and put it behind us. It’s over. It’s done. And . . .” Jude paused. “And to be honest, I miss my

friend.”

Connor blinked.

Jude took a breath. “Every time we’re in the same room,

we dig this thing a little deeper, but . . . what if we stopped?

What happened, happened. But what if we just accepted that

our relationship was never going to work, and tried to pick up

the pieces we have left?”

Connor’s expression softened slightly. “I don’t think we

even have those pieces left.”

“I think we do. It’ll never be what it was before, but we

were friends for a lot longer than we dated. And yeah,

we had a good thing for a while, but there’s no going back.

You weren’t happy. I wasn’t happy. The band was miserable.”

Jude swallowed. “And if I could go back and change it, I

would.”

“No, you wouldn’t.” Connor sighed and slowly lifted

his gaze. “Because if all of that hadn’t happened, you never

would’ve met A.J.”

Jude couldn’t find a single trace of anger in Connor’s tone.

Just the unmistakable timbre of bone-deep resignation.

“I get it.” Connor slumped against the wall and rubbed

his temples. “The thing is, I lost you. I lost Wyatt. The band

has almost fallen apart, and we’ve somehow kept it together,

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but it’s . . .” He released a long breath and lifted his gaze. “This is all I’ve got, man. The band. This is it.”

“You think I don’t know that? I just spent a year and a half

figuring out exactly what happens when something like this

goes away. I get it. And I don’t want to go through it again. I also don’t want to put you through it again. Any of it.”

“So we’re just supposed to forget everything?”

“Not forget it. Maybe, I don’t know, try to start over. To

tell you the truth, I regretted losing you as a friend a lot more than losing you as a boyfriend.”

Connor winced. “Jude, I loved you.”

“I know. And I loved you too.” Jude swallowed. “I

don’t . . . I don’t think that’s something that’ll ever change.”

Connor met his eyes.

Jude took his hand. “I can apologize a million different

ways, but it’s never going to change what I did. And what I did is never going to change the fact that I loved you then and I

love you now. Maybe if I’d been more mature when we dated,

I’d have found a different way to let you know I was unhappy.

We could have put things down gently instead of crashing and

burning. But we can’t go back in time. And we can’t just let

this thing keep eating us both alive.” He squeezed Connor’s

hand. “I’m not asking you to pretend I didn’t do what I did.

I’m just asking you to believe that the person I am now is not

one who’s going to hurt you again.”

Connor didn’t speak. Jude wasn’t sure what else to add, so

he let the silence linger, waiting for Connor to say something.

Anything.

Finally, Connor whispered, “How long would you guys

have gone before you told us?”

“I don’t know. I don’t think we’d gotten that far yet.”

288

Connor laughed, quietly, but genuinely. “I’m kind of

amazed you managed to keep it on the down-low for as long

as you did.”

Jude cocked his head. “How long do you think we were

keeping it quiet?”

“I knew something was going on before I saw you together.

I’ve . . . known for a while.”

Jude blinked. “But, I mean, when you caught us, you—”

“I know.” Connor ran a hand through his hair, slowly, as

if the gesture required energy he didn’t have. “I think seeing

you together just pissed me off because it confirmed what I

already knew.”

“But . . .
how
?”

Connor sighed heavily. “Jude, I know you. I know when

you’re hiding something. And I know—” He hesitated.

“I know what it means when you look at someone the way I

kept seeing you look at A.J.”

Jude’s throat tightened. “I’m sorry you had to see that.

I . . . We should’ve told you.”

“I don’t know. I guess I didn’t give you much choice there.”

He wiped his eyes again with the back of his hand and stood

a little straighter. “I guess it was bound to blow up either way.”

“Yeah. And for what it’s worth, we didn’t just jump into

this thing. We both tried not to, actually. But . . .”

“I guess I can understand that. A.J.’s hot, and you’re . . .”

He met Jude’s gaze and managed a slight smile. “He’s got good

taste in men.”

Jude laughed, heat rushing into his cheeks.

Connor rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m sorry. And

maybe you’re right. That we’re better off being friends and

bandmates.”

289

“I think that would beat the hell out of what we’ve been

since I came back.”

“Yeah. Me too. It’d be a lot better.”

Their eyes met, and they both smiled. Then, for the

second time that night, Jude hugged Connor, and for

the longest time neither let go.

“I know I’m not an easy person to work with or live with,”

Connor whispered. “But God, I missed you.”

“I missed you too. And I can’t say enough that I am so

sorry. I fucked things up with you and the band, and I’m—”

“I know.” Connor hugged him tighter. “Just don’t leave

this time.”

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away from this band.” Jude

released him and met his gaze. “If you and the band want me

to stay, I’ll—”

“We’d be stupid to let you go again.”

They exchanged one last glance and slight smiles, and

then started back toward the bus. There was no telling how

things would go now, but if nothing else, the two of them had

finally buried the hatchet. This was how it should’ve ended

back then. If they’d both been a little more mature, if Jude

had been a hell of a lot less impulsive, maybe they could’ve put their relationship to rest peacefully like this.

However the rest of this evening went, he was thankful

for a second chance with his best friend, and for a second

chance to let go of his first love.

290

ude and Connor had been gone for ages, and no one

jhad said a word. The band sat in silence, exchanging

uncomfortable looks and fidgeting.

A.J. kept tapping his foot and drumming his fingers.

Richie alternated between squirming in a chair and wandering

to the kitchenette as if something appetizing might have

materialized since the previous seven or eight trips. Shiloh

played on her phone, but nothing seemed to hold her interest

for very long, and each time she put it aside, she tossed it onto the table harder than the time before. As twitchy as Vanessa

was, A.J. wouldn’t have been surprised if she was seriously

considering hunting down a pot dealer in town. At this rate,

he was ready to ask her to pick something up for him.

Not that he expected any requests to be met with

responses besides
Go fuck yourself
.

His face burned. His insides threatened to fold in on

themselves. He tried not to tap or drum or fucking breathe,

because he didn’t want to attract any attention to himself.

If he could’ve vanished into the woodwork, he would have.

Whatever was happening between Connor and Jude right

then might be worse than this, but probably not by much.

291

Shiloh cleared her throat, the subtle sound making

everyone on the bus jump. When A.J. turned to her, his chest

tightened—she was looking right back at him.

After a few long, uncomfortable seconds, she said, “While

we’re digging things up, I’m curious about what you said that

night we all found out about you and Jude. That you didn’t

like being treated like a stand-in.” She lifted her eyebrows. “Is that really how you’ve felt?”

A.J. dropped his gaze. “I . . . Yeah. It is.”

“But . . .” She shook her head. “Why?”

He exhaled. “I guess I’ve just always felt like an outsider.

Kind of . . . like all it would take was one fuckup, and I’d be gone.”

“What? No!” She pursed her lips. “I mean, you auditioned

against shitloads of drummers. We didn’t pick you because

you were ‘okay’ until something else came along.”

“She’s right,” Richie said quietly. “We didn’t hire you

on because you were a placeholder until we found someone

more permanent. I don’t think any of us thought you were

temporary.”

A.J. leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“Except you guys have been together since you were in school.

I’m the new kid. I’ll—”

“You were the new kid two albums ago, hon.” Shiloh got

up and moved to the chair closest to A.J.’s. She took a seat and reached for his arm. “You’ve really felt that way this whole

time?”

He hesitated, suddenly feeling less like the new kid and

more like a colossal idiot. Then he sighed and nodded. “Yeah.

I mean, I guess sometimes I think I’m along for the ride, but

don’t have much of a voice.”

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She cocked her head. “You don’t think you can speak up?”

“I’ve tried.” He swallowed, then sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s stupid. But I guess it’s kind of like being the new kid in school, you know? Trying to be part of the group and al .” He

paused. “I mean, I know I’m a damn good drummer. But . . .”

“I get it,” Shiloh said. “I’m just sorry we didn’t catch on

sooner that you felt like that. Or that you thought we didn’t

want your input on things. I had no idea.”

“Same here,” Vanessa said.

Richie nodded. “Yeah. I thought we were cool, man.”

“We are. We . . .” A.J. took a breath. “You guys have been

great. Honestly. But you’re a tight group.”

“Yeah, we are.” Shiloh glanced at the others, and faced

him. “But we want you to be part of it. Not just onstage.”

He swallowed against the ache in his throat. Hearing them

say it was a relief, but it didn’t do much for his conscience.

He and Jude had jeopardized everything this group had

worked for, so he couldn’t help feeling like he didn’t deserve

the place they’d given him. “I’m sorry, guys. For all this with Jude. It—”

“We’ll deal with that.” Shiloh’s tone was terse, but gentle

at the same time. “We’ve bounced back from worse. As long

as he and Connor don’t kill each other.” She took his hand

and squeezed it. “But we’re not throwing you out. Okay?”

He nodded. “What about Jude?”

She and Vanessa exchanged glances. “I don’t know. A lot

of that depends on what happens out there.” She gestured at

the door.

“It also depends on if Kristy doesn’t kill him.” Richie held

up the phone he’d been playing on. “She’s on her way, and

she’s pissed.”

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“As well she should be.” Vanessa looked at A.J.

“Sorry, man.”

“It’s okay. I get why she’s pissed. And I mean it—I’m

really sorry for what happened. And we tried to keep it quiet

because we didn’t want to rock the boat or fuck up the band.”

He paused, and more to himself, added, “I just couldn’t help

feeling this way about him.”

Shiloh peered at him. “You guys aren’t just screwing

around, are you?”

“No.” A.J. held her gaze, though it was a challenge.

“Maybe in the beginning, but now—”

The door opened, and they all froze.

Connor came in first. Then Jude.

Everyone tensed. Both guys were quiet, expressions

betraying nothing.

Then they glanced at each other, and Connor took a deep

breath. Facing the band, he said, “So, Jude and I . . . It’s settled.”

“Define ‘settled,’” Shiloh said.

“He means we’re good,” Jude said. “About everything.”

The whole band stared at them.

Vanessa blinked. “Like . . . you guys really . . .” Her eyes

darted back and forth between them. “Like, buried the

hatchet? For real?”

Both guys nodded.

“And you’re . . .” Shiloh raised her eyebrows. “Connor,

you’re okay with them . . .”