Sacrifice (14 page)

Dragged down by him and he couldn’t see that happen. Sam knew he couldn’t deal with the guilt if something happened to her because of him. If they knew for a second that he had developed feelings for her, the consequences would be dire. He didn’t care what they did to him. All that mattered was Natasha.

When she grabbed his arm and spun him around to face her, he had wanted to confess everything then and there. Wanted to tell her what was really going on. Who he was and why he was sent there… But his courage fled the minute he saw her bright blue eyes. One look into them and it was enough to reduce him to a simpering idiot.

Instead he had told her as much of the truth as he was willing to.

“I’ll drive you home. I don’t think I can be with you. I don’t want to be with you. I’m tired of pretending.”

And of course she had instantly believed the worst of it. None of it was a lie but she took it all at face value. When he said he couldn’t be with her. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be. He couldn’t be with her because of the things he had done. He couldn’t be with her when he was who he was and what they expected him to do…

He wanted to be with her because he could, because he was free to be with her… Not because they expected him to carry out their nefarious plans… He was tired of pretending, tired of pretending that he was some normal guy. Just a guy who had happened to see her in the coffee shop that day. Just a guy who had happened to go to the gig that night…

He wasn’t any of the things he claimed to be and as much as he wanted to be… He couldn’t face lying to her anymore. Couldn’t face betraying her. She needed someone she could trust and he wasn’t it. He would never be it.

But a part of him wanted to continue. It was probably the same part of him that wanted to drive her home. If he drove her home maybe he would have time to talk her into the situation. Talk himself back into the lies. Life was better with her in it. He knew what he was giving up when he walked away and the selfish part of him didn’t want to. It wanted to take her home, lie in the safety of her arms and pretend like the rest of the world didn’t exist.

But she had walked away. And even when he followed her, begged her to let him drive her home she refused. Who was he to blame her? She was right. He was a jerk and if she knew the truth, if she knew everything then she would hate him. There had to be another way.

He watched her get on the bus, watched it pull away taking her with it. Sam sat in the car for a long time. Not moving, just breathing. If he concentrated hard enough on his breathing then he didn’t have to think about the mess he had just made. Didn’t have to acknowledge that he had let the best thing to ever happen to him walk out of his life…

He couldn’t let her go. Doing that would be like condemning himself to a life of utter misery, a life filled with regrets and might have beens. Flipping the ignition he gunned the engine and spun the wheel until he was pointed in the right direction. 

The drive didn’t take long. His house had never been far from that beach, it was one of the reasons his mother used to take them there. The closer he got to the house the faster he drove. He pulled onto the drive way, gravel spraying up around his tyres as he screeched to a halt in front of the large house. A house his father had bought with money that belonged to those he had made miserable. As far as Sam was concerned it was a house filled with nothing but anger and sorrow.

And now that they were broke… To sell it would have solved all of their problems but his mother couldn’t do it. Couldn’t bring herself to lose the memories she had built there. Sam wanted to understand. Wanted to know what she felt and why she felt it. Why she held onto the past so tightly. If she had agreed to sell then he wouldn’t be stuck now the way he was. They would have had the money they needed for her care and he never would have gotten dragged into this situation… He never would have met Natasha…

He climbed from the car and jogged up the stone steps to the front door. The moment he stepped inside he instantly noticed the quiet. Too quiet. Sam took the stairs two at a time, practically tripping up the last three stairs in his hurry to get to his mother’s room.

He pushed the door open and stared at the empty bed. Nothing. She wasn’t even here. No one was here. No one was where they were supposed to be. Nothing made sense. Sam tugged his cell phone from his pocket and flipped it open. He scrolled across the screen until he found her number and hit the send button.

The line crackled and then buzzed before it began to ring. A comforting sound. Crackling and muffled sounds filled Sam’s head as a stranger answered the phone.

“Hello?” The woman’s voice on the other end held nothing familiar for Sam.

“My mother, this is my mother’s phone where is she?” His words came out jumbled and filled with panic. He’d left her on her own for too long. Trusting that she had the care that she needed. They were supposed to contact him if anything went wrong…

“Mrs Harker?” The woman on the other end of the line questioned.

Sam could feel his patience wearing thin and he couldn’t conceal it from his voice. “Yes, Mrs Harker, my mother. Where is she?” He blew out an angry sigh of frustration.

“We had to admit her to the hospital, St Luke’s…”

Sam didn’t wait for her to continue, he was already on his way down the stairs, his voice becoming more and more agitated by the minute.

“And no one thought it was a good idea to call her son? To contact me? After I left specific instructions to do just that if anything went wrong?”

“We received a phone call, instructing us that not to contact you… That you were away on business and were not to be disturbed directly. We were given a new contact telephone number and were told that all of Mrs Harker’s needs were being taken care of…”

“Who? Who contacted you?” Sam’s blood boiled in his veins. They had interfered. He knew it even before she said it.

“Marcus Grey.”

“How is she?” Sam’s voice tried to break as he contemplated the state his mother might be in. What if something had happened to her while he was… He cut his thoughts off. He didn’t need to think like that right now. There would be plenty of time for it after he saw her.

“Well she’s stable at the moment.”

Sam hung up. He didn’t want to hear the but that was coming. He could hear it in the woman’s voice and the simple fact that his mother wasn’t answering her own phone anymore could only mean bad things.

Hopping back into the car he sped away from the house. It grew smaller and smaller in the rearview mirror until he turned out of the driveway. He had been unbelievably selfish. What had he been thinking leaving her when she needed him most? Sam knew why he had done it. The promised care. The best doctor’s in the world, anything she needed. They would take care of all the costs. He should have known better. Marcus was beyond ruthless, he would do whatever he needed to, in order to get what he wanted. People were expendable in Marcus’ world. But not in Sam’s.

He tore along the roads, his foot pressed down on the accelerator as hard as he could without pushing his foot through the floorboard. The moment he approached the city, traffic slowed to a crawl. And it took him twice as long as it normally would to reach the hospital.

Pulling into the first space in the underground parking complex he killed the engine and buried his face in his hands. He sat like that until he finally got his breathing back under control. He was afraid of what he’d find when he went in there. He’d spoken to her two days before and he had noticed something in her voice then… Something that didn’t sound right and he should have known better. Known that she wasn’t getting better. Instead he had chosen to ignore it. Pushed the thought out of his head. He had been enjoying himself too much with Natasha. He didn’t honestly want to face reality and now he was paying the price.

He dragged himself out of the car and locked it behind him. He headed straight for the bank of elevators at the end of the parking complex. His feet felt like lead and each step forward felt like two steps back. Inside the elevator he pressed the button for the reception and waited. The music was mind numbing and for that Sam was grateful. It gave him time away from his own thoughts. Gave him a chance to push everything else to the back of his head and only focus on getting to his mother.

Stepping out into the reception he headed straight for the desk. An older woman sat on the other side, her brown hair pulled severely up into a high bun on the top of her head. Her face was lined with creases and she wore a stern expression. But the moment she took a look at Sam’s face, her expression seemed to soften. Maybe she saw the hopelessness in his eyes. Or the guilt he wore around him like a mantle. Whatever it was she seemed to understand that he needed her help.

She stood and leaned in towards him. “Can I help you?” Her voice was soft and it didn’t seem to match her expression at all.

“I need to seem Miranda Harker. I know she was admitted here…” He trailed off.

“Are you a relation?” She tapped at the keyboard like a hen pecking in the dirt searching for grain.

“I’m her son.”

She looked up at him with sympathy and Sam felt his stomach drop. Was she going to pull him to one side and tell him he was too late? Was he too late? Maybe all of it had been for nothing… Maybe everything he had done over the past few weeks was for nothing.

“Third floor, oncology.” She smiled at him again, one filled with pity. It made Sam want to punch something. If he could bury his fist in a wall or better yet someone’s face then it would make the pain bearable. Pain on the outside was always better than emotional pain. One he could handle and the other spent its time trying to eat him from the inside out.

He moved back to the bank of elevators and pushed the button for the third floor. He couldn’t shake the look on the receptionists face. Maybe it was better this way. Maybe seeing people look at him with such pity, such sympathy it would help prepare him for whatever lay ahead.

The elevator came to a halt and Sam stepped out. The ward seemed quiet. Quieter than most normal wards… Normally they were filled with hustle and bustle but not this one. He moved down the hall, peering into the rooms that he passed but there was no sign of his mother. A door on its own at the end of the hall caught his eye. He approached it cautiously, his feet not wanting to carry him forward. But he had to know. It was the only room left to check. There was no where else she could be.

He reached the door and caught sight of his reflection in the glass. His face looked pale and drawn beneath the tan he had. And in his eyes was the look of a man that was haunted. Sam had seen that look in the eyes of his father after they had found out about his brother… And it killed him now to see the same look in his own eyes. He had sworn he would never do anything to warrant that look. Never do anything to hurt the ones he loved…

Of course time had proven that it was easier to think that. Actually living was a whole other ball game. One that time and time again had shown Sam that all you ever did was go through life hurting the people you cared about…

He pushed the door open and it was the smell that hit him first. Disinfectant mixed with something else… The smell of death. It was such an odd thing to pop into his head but it was true… Death had its own special smell… It wasn’t like decay or any of the other things that movies and the such would have you believe. Instead death smelled like the end… It was the smell of pain and anguish. The sorrow of leaving… It sounded ridiculous of course but it was something he knew would stay with him forever.

He caught sight of the end of the blue blanket that was draped over the figure in the bed. Sam caught the sound of their shallow breathing. It didn’t sound healthy. Didn’t sound like someone who had that much time left. He moved in around the curtain and tried to hide his shock.

His mother lay in the bed. Her eyes were closed but they looked sunken in her skull, almost hollow. Dark smudges were circled beneath her eyes and her cheekbones stood out in stark relief to the rest of her face. She had always been a slim woman but now it was more than that. The cancer had completely ravaged her, left her as nothing more than skin and bone.

It frightened Sam how much could change in such a short time frame. When he had left her she didn’t look like this. When he had left her there had been hope. No when he looked down at her there was nothing…

Her lips were dry as he took his seat beside the bed. Picking up the small glass of ice from the bedside locker he lifted a piece of ice and wrapped it in tissue before he dabbed it against her lips.

She stirred and her eyes fluttered open. She looked so frail and small against the white pillows. Her black hair looked thin and lank, her skin had taken on an ashen hue. But what was most startling to Sam was her eyes. Normally a bright lively blue, it was one of the things he remembered the most about his mother. Now they had dimmed, the colour faded to the point of becoming a watery grey blue. They weren’t his mother’s eyes anymore. They had been taken over by the disease that was eating her from the inside.

“Sam?” Her voice cracked and she smiled at him. A look of joy momentarily lighting up her eyes.

It was enough to bring tears to his eyes. He should have been there for her. If he had known how little time she had left he would never have left her side… But he had honestly believed it was for the best. Honestly believed that he was helping her.

“You came back. I was wondering if you’d gotten my message.”

Sam shook his head and lifted his mother’s small hand into his and pressed it to his lips. He could feel each bone as it shifted just beneath her skin. No one was meant to feel this. The human body wasn’t made to withstand this kind of pain.

She coughed, her breathing growing shallow and wheezy. He watched helpless as she squeezed her eyes shut with the pain that speared through her body. She grew still and Sam watched her chest rise and fall with each breath she took.

Finally after what felt like an age she opened her eyes again and stared up at Sam. “I saw your father last night, but I told him I wasn’t ready… Not until I saw you again.”