Savage Hearts (30 page)

Well, that slammed her back down to reality pretty quickly.

The one thing she knew could not happen. The one thing she knew to avoid. The one thing he could not reciprocate, and she’d gone and done it anyway. She didn’t even have a divorce yet, and she was falling in love with the one man she couldn’t have. Not even done with one heartbreak and she’d set herself up for another.

She must have stiffened noticeably, the fear and dread running through her as contemplated her future. Fear, dread, and joy at feeling this wonderful thing, all mixed together in a confusing cocktail.

Soren’s hand rubbed her back. Cate closed her eyes.

Then he said, “Cate, tell me.”

“I can’t.”

Her voice was hoarse. She tried to hide the sadness in it.

You shouldn’t have to be sad when you realize you love somebody.

“Are you worried about the crap they put out this morning?”

Cate lifted her head off of his chest, puzzled.

“What?”

Soren sat up, cradling her under his arm, concern marring his otherwise perfect face. “You know it’s more bullshit, don’t you? I didn’t do what they’re saying I did.”

“Soren, I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

He smiled.

“You were hiding from your phone.”

“Oh my God, will you stop showing off how predictable I am and tell me what the hell you are talking about!”

Soren ran a hand through his hair. “I haven’t seen it myself. Declan called me. Said there was a story online that I gave women drugs or something similar.”

Cate stared at him.

“What?” she said.

“I don’t know the details.”

“Ho sze=size="+1w was this not the first thing you told me?” she said. “Soren, this is my job. I need to protect you from this kind of thing.”

Cate put her face in her hands and tried to shut out her heart. She’d only just started listening to the stupid thing, had only just gotten brave enough to let it really feel, and now she had to lock it away again.

This was bad.

She had to game this out. The story already had several hours lead, there was no way to call and get it killed. She would have to respond, and she would have to go heavy on the research. She needed to have her entire team on it
yesterday
.

She needed to be one hundred percent not distracted by being in love with Soren.

“Oh, I am screwed,” she muttered.

“Hey,” Soren said, tilting her chin upwards. She’d never seen him look so worried. “You know I didn’t do this.”

Cate saw something there.

Was this the bigger thing she’d felt circling them, the thing he hadn’t talked about? He’d told her about his family, but there was something he’d held back. There always was. Cate herself was holding back a legal husband; she wouldn’t begrudge him his own secret.

She could see it, playing beneath his golden surface, tormenting him.
Something eating him up inside, giving him those lines around his mouth, that grim sadness in his eyes.

“Soren, why don’t you think you’re any good at it?” she asked.

“What?” he said softly.

“You said you weren’t any good at love,” she said. “That’s why you don’t do relationships, commitment. Whatever we’re calling it this week.”

She smiled. He smiled. He had been a little bit of an ass when he’d said that to her.

“I know why I can’t do it,” she said hurriedly. And really, that hadn’t changed, had it? She wasn’t just babbling to cover up the fact that she’d just figured out that she loved him?

She went on, “I mean, I can’t…lose myself in something that way unless I’m sure I’m able to and not have it be horrible. Or whatever. You know what I mean.”

No, she was definitely babbling to cover up the fact that she loved him.

“Yeah,” he said.

“So?” she said, curling up in his lap. “You’re different. You’re over that; you’ve gotten past it. How can you possibly think you’re no good at love?”

Soren’s jaw tightened, and the tension returned to his shoulders. He was looking off somewhe sg oze="-re far away, somewhere that definitely didn’t have Cate in it.

For the first time, she felt alone with him.

“I’ve tried before,” he finally said.

He turned and locked eyes with her, holding her in place. She held her breath. She had no idea why; her body just stopped.

“I’m just not built that way,” he said. “I’ve tried. But I don’t have the ability to love a woman the way she deserves to be loved. The way you deserve to be loved, Cate. You can have everything I got, but that’s all I have to offer.”

Cate didn’t move.

It took all of her energy to pretend those words didn’t burrow down and kill something deep inside her. She felt rent in two, hollowed out, left empty. She’d known this was coming. She had.

She balled her fists, looked up, and forced herself to smile.

“I think you might have more to offer than you think you do,” she said quietly. “It’s a pretty good deal for me.”

“I like to offer value,” he said, grinning. “Now, what are we gonna do today?”

Cate shook her head. She knew what was about to happen. Soren was going to try to insist that they spend the day together, that they stay close, that he really
show
her beyond a doubt that he still cared about her, still found her interesting. The man had a mission.

And it made her want to cry.

He was about to try to spend the day with her rather than letting her get to work to protect him against a vicious, damaging slander, just because it might make her feel better. What else would you call it when a man would sacrifice his own welfare just to make sure a woman had a good day?

“We’re not doing anything today,” she said. “You are hiding out and recording or whatever it is you do at Declan’s. You are not going home. There will be reporters at home. I’ll go pick up
Desi
, but you are staying out of the spotlight until I can deal with this. And then I am going to work.”

“That’s not
gonna
work,” Soren said, and put another strong arm around her.

“Soren, please,” she said, putting a gentle hand on his face. God, it broke her heart. “Don’t let me fail at this. This is my
job
. This is the thing I
know
I’m good at.”

“You’re good at everything you do, as far as I can tell,” he said. “Stop saying otherwise.”

Cate closed her eyes.

“Soren. I need to go do this.”

He looked at her. H skede="+e wasn’t upset, and he wasn’t arguing, he was…figuring it out. It was unnerving. Cate remembered all the other times he had seen right through her and grew nervous; this would not be a great time for him to figure out that she loved him. She hadn’t even had time to decide what that meant yet.

That was another thing. She needed time away from him.
Away from his influence.
Now that her brain had spoiled everything by figuring out how she really felt about him, just his presence, which was still intoxicating, was now sweetly painful, too.

Yeah, wow. She was a mess.

“Ok,” he said.

“Ok?”

“Ok. It’s important to you. So ok.” Soren dipped down and nibbled at her neck just below her ear. “New orders. Go kick ass.”

Cate shuddered. Whether from his lips on her body or from knowing she had a choice to make, she didn’t know. She would have to find out.

Soren thrashed through the closing chords and drops of sweat arced out from his hand, splattering on the studio floor. The last sounds of their current song hung in the air while the rest of the band watched him. Their eyes on him didn’t make this any easier. On the other hand, the situation with Cate was making for some amazing guitar solos.

Not much fucking consolation.

The woman was hiding from him now by burying herself in her work. He hadn’t seen her since he’d left her house. He’d stayed sequestered at Declan’s, as requested, but his patience for that was running thin. He didn’t really give a crap about the case, at least not in comparison to Cate, and he knew which concern would win out in the end if it came to that. He was worried that he’d pushed her too far, too fast, though he knew it had felt right; when he’d been there at her house, it had felt
right
. It had felt fucking perfect. She had been perfect. She’d opened up like a flower, and it had made her happy. And now he didn’t know what was wrong.

The worst fucking part about a situation like this
was knowing
that he was the one man who couldn’t help her right now. Apply pressure on something like this, and watch it all break apart. He was too disciplined to risk it all just because he wanted to see her.

But god
damn
, was it difficult. He didn’t even like to think about the drug allegations. Or what Cate was likely to find when she went looking into it.

No, she believed in him. But she was hurting, somewhere, in some way, and Soren couldn’t help. Just knowing
that made him feel
like he was about to lose it.

“Let’s take a break,” Declan said and waved the other guys off. They all knew, after so many years together, when vheie heigh to clear out and let Soren and Declan hash it out. Soon it was just the two of them.

“You gonna tell me what happened?” Declan asked.

Soren cracked his knuckles and stretched out.

“Something went wrong,” he said. “Don’t know beyond that.”

“Something?” Declan asked.

“Yeah, something,” Soren said. He let the silence linger for a minute before catching his friend’s eye. “I’ve never been this crazy about it before. I feel sick, man. If I don’t know, I can’t fix it. And if I can’t fix it, I know she’s hurting. And
that
makes me…fuck, I don’t know.”

“What are you gonna do?”

Soren shook his head. “You know how it is,” he said. “I gotta let her come to me. Some things you can’t be told, have to figure them out for yourself.”

Declan smiled. “If she’s yours, let her go.”

Soren looked at him sharply. His friend knew Soren’s stance on relationships, and he knew the reason for it, too.

“Don’t try to mess with my head,” Soren said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it. You don’t need any help there.”

“Bite me.”

“See? This is what happens when you let your sub get away.”

Soren laughed it off. It wasn’t until later when they were all watching
Planes, Trains and Automobiles
for the millionth time—Brian’s favorite holiday movie of all time—that
Soren
got the texts from Cate.

He already knew what they would say.

“I’m sorry. I can’t do us anymore. I can be your lawyer, but I can’t be anything else.”