Authors: Whitney Cannavina
“Hmm. And what is it that you don’t want people reading in this diary of yours? Is it about a boyfriend or the love of your life perhaps?” No such luck. He must have read it because how would he know to mention those things?
“Did you read my diary?” Crap. If he didn’t read it then I just gave it away.
Forrest shrugs. “Sort of. I didn’t mean to but I thought it was a book or something. I was actually just looking for a pen and seen one lying on top of your diary, but I didn’t know that at the time, and picked it up and started reading. Sorry. I wasn’t meaning to pry into your life.” What entry did he read? I have so many these last few weeks about him and my plans to tell him how I feel. I even have in there the reasons why I love him. I hope he didn’t read too much of it or else he would be sure to know how I feel and that those feelings are for him.
“So did you read a lot of my entries?” I ask nervously biting my lip in hopes that he didn’t.
“No. Just the last entry you wrote. So who is this mystery guy you’re in love with? Do I need to check him out and make sure he’s good enough for you or kick his ass for not noticing you love him?” He must have read all of it. What was the last little entry I wrote? Oh yeah.
Today he wore his dark blue Levis and red flannel shirt and god did he look so good. I don’t know how I’m going to hold off until my 18
to tell him how much in love with him I am. I don’t think he even notices me. What if he doesn’t feel the same way as me? I love him so much it hurts and it would kill me if he doesn’t feel even half of what I feel for him. It hurts me every time I see him with someone new who doesn’t deserve him. He deserves someone who understands him and can love him for being just himself. He has the biggest heart than anyone I have ever known. When he chooses to keep you in his life you treat him good because once you fuck it up then that’s it. You’re out. I just hope that when I reveal to him how I feel that he won’t push me out but tell me he feels the same. Uh oh. That’s him knocking on my door. I need to go but until next time.
I can’t believe he read that. He’s sure to know with the last two sentences. Now I’m sure my face is a bright as a tomato. “No. You don’t need to kick his ass or anything like that. He’s perfect for me. He’s the best person I know I just hope that he feels the same way about me.” It’s too bad he doesn’t realize that the man I love is actually him. That would make things so much easier than having to tell him myself.
“I don’t see how anybody couldn’t love you. If he doesn’t see what I do than fuck ‘em. You’ll find someone who will love you one day even if he doesn’t. So who is he? I want to know who caught my baby girl’s eye. I’ve never seen you with a boyfriend or have any interest in anyone so this guy must be special.”
“Well um, I’d rather not say. No I haven’t ever had a boyfriend actually. Between you and Damon, no guy would even look my way, not that I wanted them to. I’ve only ever been interested in one guy but I don’t think he’s ever noticed me before.”
“You’ve never had a boyfriend?” He looks surprised by my admission but he shouldn’t be because any guy that ever looked my way was put in their place by either my brother or Forrest, if not both. I shake my head to indicate no while biting my lower lip feeling nervous about this conversation. I hope I don’t accidentally blurt out that it’s him I’ve only ever wanted.
“Have you ever even been kissed?” Is it sad that the most I’ve ever done with a guy is hold hands? I held hands with one guy and it wasn’t even meant as a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, it was more of an experiment. He liked me but I only had eyes for Forrest. Since Forrest had a girlfriend at the time I let the guy hold my hand to see what it was like but it just didn’t feel right so I let go and said I wasn’t interested. I shake my head no again.
He whistles at my admission. “Hmm. I didn’t know that. Sorry. We just didn’t want any guys to take advantage of you. We didn’t mean for you to never have a dating life. We can fix one of your problems right now if you’d like?” He’s staring intently at me waiting for me to give him an answer. What problem is it that he thinks we could fix right now?
“What problem is that?” I hope he doesn’t suggest I kiss one of his friends or date one of them. That’s not what I want. I’ve been saving myself for him and him only. I don’t want to fix any of my dating problems by practicing with someone else.
“The never been kissed. It’s almost like that movie with Drew Barrymore but you’re not thirty years old.” He must want me to kiss one of his buddies. I really don’t want to kiss anybody but Forrest.
“No thank you. I’m not really into any of your friends. They’re nice kind of but they aren’t my type at all.”
“Why would you think I’d let you kiss one of my friends? Those guys are never going to be good enough for you and I don’t know how far they plan to push you if you kiss them. They can get really pushy and plus I’d kill them if they touched you. I was meaning me. You kiss me. You trust me, I won’t push you for more than a kiss, and I’ll know you’re safe.” What if I want him to push me for more? I would give him my heart, body and soul if I knew he would reciprocate.
“Oh. Are you sure because you don’t have to kiss me just because you pity me? It’s ok you know.” Please say you want to kiss me. Please, please, please!
“I don’t pity you but I want you to know how you should be kissed instead of your first time being sloppy and shitty.” He’s so confident it’s sexy and I want to kiss him so badly now.
“Oh. Well if you think your good enough then ok. Lets’ do it.” I’m feeling nervous because I’m about to kiss the one man I’ve been fantasizing about since I was old enough to know what happens between a man and a woman.
I nervously get up from my chair while Forrest moves his laptop to the floor under his bed and scoots over to make room for me to sit next to him. I sit close with our thighs touching and rest my hands on my lap unsure of how to proceed.
“Relax. You’re really tense. I promise it will be good and you know I would never hurt you.” He rests his arm on my shoulders and kisses the side of my hair. It feels amazing and I haven’t even gotten down to the good stuff. That kiss was just a comfort kiss. He does it all the time but this time it felt different. It was as if he was kissing my head for comfort not just for me but for himself as well.
Slowly and gently he pulls me back onto his bed so we are both lying next to each other looking at the ceiling. Forrest gently takes my hand in his and squeezes it before moving himself to lie on his side so he is looking down on me where I lay. We both just stare at each other making the anticipation rise causing my heart to beat erratically and my hands to become clammy. I’m sure my face is beat red because of my blushing but I can’t help it. I feel as if he can hear my erratic breathing and frantic heart beat because I know I can. He moves his hand across my flat stomach to my other arm and softly rubs up and down in a comforting gesture. His touch is like fire turning me on more than I’d like to admit and it wasn’t even a sexual gesture. He gives me a small smile hoping to reassure me that it’s ok and slowly leans down never taking his beautiful green eyes off of mine.
When he leans down and his lips finally reach mine, he brushes softly against them at first before pressing against my lips harder. I close my eyes wanting to concentrate on the kiss instead of looking into his eyes in case he sees what I’m feeling. He gives a few small kisses on the corner of my lips before going back to place them fully against mine again. I can feel as he probes against my lips with his tongue as if asking for permission to enter so I open up slightly to give him room to slide is tongue in between my lips to touch the tip of my tongue. Forrest carefully slides his body over mine completely covering me with his hard and masculine body while roaming his hand up my arm to tangle into my hair while the other holds his weight up so as not to smother me. His tongue lightly explores my mouth without pushing aggressively but still claiming me for his. I’m not sure what to do but it’s as if it just comes naturally when his tongue brushes mine again. I start to move my tongue in tune with his while we kiss each other with sensual and slow movements. My hands move to grip onto his back to ground myself even though I’m lying down.
He tastes of peppermint and it’s the most amazing flavor mixed with the natural taste of him. He deepens the kiss and I feel as if he’s consumed me in every way. It feels like he’s trying to tell me something in the way he’s kissing me with such passion that I end up moaning. I don’t mean to but I know it affects Forrest as I feel him grow against my thigh. He slowly pulls back from the kiss leaving me wanting even more from him and never wanting to stop. I want to take our kiss further but I know I need to wait until the time is right. My eyes are still closed and I’ve got the biggest smile on my face and I don’t care if he sees it. That was the best kiss I think I’ll ever have in my entire life. This is definitely one to write in my diary. When I slowly open my eyes, Forrest is still on top of me smiling just as big as I am. I don’t know what to think but maybe that’s a good sign and he liked kissing me just as much as I did kissing him.
“That was definitely a remarkable kiss.” I know I sound breathless but I don’t care because I’m just so blissfully happy right now.
“I thought so, too. Now you have a kiss to judge all other kisses against. If they aren’t even close to that then it’s time to drop the guy because you need someone that can give you toe curling kisses just like that.” My blissful bubble just popped. I know the smile falls from my face but I try to recover quickly before he realizes why. I had hoped that he was kissing me because he wanted to and not because it was for educational purposes or whatever you want to call it.
“Um. Can you let me up please? I need to go get some things done. Oh. Can I also get my diary back?” Forrest smile dims some as he tries to look into my eyes to see what I’m thinking but giving up when I look away so he doesn’t see the hurt in them. When he climbs off me to stand, he lends a hand down to help me up off his bed. I take it still casting my eyes down for fear he will see the slight hurt his comment made about finding someone to kiss me as good as his. I don’t want to find anyone to compare him to. I just want him and I want so badly to tell him of my feelings now but I know it’s not the right time and it seems he may not feel the same.
“Yeah. It’s right here.” He reaches under his pillow and pulls out my diary with my pen tucked inside where the last entry I wrote, handing it to me still trying to catch my eye but I won’t let him. “Are we ok?”
“Hmm? Oh yeah, we’re great. I just have some things I gotta do and realized I need to hurry up and do them.” I lie. I try to take the diary from him but he pulls it back before I can get it.
“Ok. I just don’t want you to be mad at me or feel weird about the kiss. It was nothing. Just remember that.” That breaks my heart just a little bit more but I try to hide it with a giant grin so he can see I’m ok when I take my diary out of his hands.
“Nope. We’re good. The kiss meant nothing more than for educational purposes.” His smile falls slightly from his face before he smirks at me and kisses my cheek.
“Great. Now get lost baby girl. I have a huge essay to finish by tonight and you’ve already distracted me enough.” Forrest plops back down on his bed pulling out his laptop from under his bed where he placed it before giving me the most amazing kiss of my life and starts typing.
“Good luck with your essay. Bye.” I quickly walk out of his bedroom and run into mine, closing and locking the door before running to my bed and jumping on it. I smother my face into my pillow and scream. I had to get my excitement of kissing Forrest out before I burst. When I’m done I pull out my diary and write down all that happened in the last fifteen minutes with Forrest, feeling like a love sick puppy while also feeling like my heart is breaking at the same time because it seems he didn’t feel the same.
My dream of the last best memory I had with Forrest ends in darkness before I wake up screaming in pain.
There’s a moment that comes in your life when you realize you need to make a choice between choosing the one you love and setting them free to find someone that would be more deserving of them then yourself. Although you hope that it’s as the saying goes, ‘if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they’re yours; if they don’t they never were’ by the infamous Richard Bach. That’s what I did. I set her free because I loved her enough to let her choose her path in life and love. It was the worst mistake I ever made where she was concerned. I should have been there for her. I should have told her of my feelings sooner and maybe she wouldn’t be gone. She wouldn’t be gone because I would have been the one to take her to and from school. She wouldn’t be gone because when she realized that her car was broken down she would have called me to come get her instead of accepting a ride from her teacher. Her teacher who was said to have been the last one to see her before she was kidnapped. I don’t know Mr. Morris other than that he was young and good looking and all the female student body were in love with him, or so says Sierra. He was her P.E. teacher. I remember her saying that he was really nice and easy to talk to and that many of the students, especially the girls, went to him to talk about their problems. I don’t know if she ever did but I doubt it because she wrote her feelings in her diary and if she wanted someone to give feedback she always came to me.