SCARRED (Scars) (9 page)

“She knows that you and I have been friends for a very long time.” He answers.

“So that would be a ‘No’. She doesn’t know about our past, she doesn’t know that we dated.” I  exclaim beginning to get agitated and stand up to walk and get some fresh air.

“No! and she doesn’t need to know either. She is very insecure. Insecure about our marriage, about her weight, about a lot of things. Telling her about our past would only make her worry that we are still together.”

“Aren’t we? In a way.”

“Yes, but that is between the two of us, no need to get her upset.”

“So what are we going to do, continue with this, um, whatever it is?”

“What do you want to do? What am I supposed to do? She is my wife, and you are…”

“I am what? What exactly do you consider me?”

“You are the one that got away. My regret. I am trying to rectify that now. You left me out of the blue, no explanation or anything. I lost you then, now you are back. You reappeared just as suddenly as you left. Those feelings didn’t just disappear, and I never forgot about you.”

“So you think you can have your cake and eat it too. You think you can be married to her and still be with me?”

“No, you don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“Its difficult.”

“And this is not difficult. Avoid the situation we are in, keep meeting in secret and act like we are just old friends in public. It will never work, You are headed for disaster.”

“I love her, but I love you too. They are two different feelings for me. I don’t know how to make you understand.”

“I don’t think you can either. I just think you should go home. Go home to her and leave me the hell alone.”

“I can’t. I can’t lose you. This..” he motions in a circle with his hand, “between us has been there for too long. I can’t just walk away from these feelings.”

“Why not? I did, six years ago. I walked away and didn’t look back.”

“You didn’t huh? Then what do you call this? Why are we standing here? Why have you allowed me to come back to this? With us?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just needed an escape. I needed that comfort with you after all the bullshit I am going through with this divorce.”

“Why does it seem like we are never in the same place at the same time?”

“What do you mean?”

             
“Well six years ago it was you. I wanted more than you were willing to give me in a relationship. That is why you left, you weren’t ready. Now I can’t
commit to you because of Lisa. I can only offer what we have now. If she found out about us, she would take everything I have and I would probably lose my job.”

              “And exactly what do we have?”

              “We have each other, the comfort of each other. The want and need to be in each others arms. To feel the fire we have for each other, that fire that never went out.” Gavin walks up behind me and runs his hands up both of my arms. Nuzzling his nose in my hair as he inhales my scent. “You just don’t know what you do to me. I want to feel you. I long to be inside you right now.”

              Tears stream down my face and I tense up as chills run up my spine. I close my eyes and picture the last time we were together.

              “I want you right here, right now.” Gavin whispers in my ear as he nibbles on my earlobe.

              “Gavin, you haven’t been married two weeks and you are already trying to break your vows.”

              “It’s your birthday. I want to give you your birthday present. My present. A present only I can give you.”

He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me up against him. I can feel his hard dick nestle against my back. Holding me tight against his body with his left arm around my waist he slides his right hand down and cups my pussy over my jeans.

“I know you want me as much as I want you. I can feel how hot you are.” He states as he squeezes my cunt.

I lay my head back against Gavin’s chest, tears still streaming down my face. I have no idea what to do; I want him too, just not the complication. I struggle with my feelings about the relationship we are in.

Gavin whispers in my ear, “Make love to me. Let me make love to you. Let me show you the depth of my passion for you. The passion that never went away all those years ago, the passion that I have kept bottled up for all these years, the passion that I can say will never go away.”

I know I am in trouble. There is no way possible for me to ignore the feelings I have for Gavin now just like I couldn’t deny them all those years ago when I ran away.

I turn to face Gavin, wrap my arms around his neck, stand on my tip toes and kiss his soft pouty lips. He wraps his arms around me, grabs a handful of my hair and tugs lightly tilting my head to expose the pulse point in my neck. He tenderly kisses my lips, nibbles on my chin then playfully kisses and nips on my neck causing a growling moan to escape me.

“I told you then and I will tell you again. You are mine, now and forever. Don’t forget that.” He whispers against my skin.

“OK Gavin, but not here. Take me home. I want to make love to you in my bed, not out here for anyone to come up on us. Not crowded in the car. I want you in my bed where I can get rid of all the horrible memories that have been created there. I want to feel the things we used to feel all those years ago. When you first claimed I was yours. When I felt like a simple touch from you could make all my troubles disappear.”

“Okay.”

A simple answer for such complicated feelings. He guides me back to the car gently holding the small of my back. So intimate and personal. It is almost as if the last six years never existed. Right back where we started from.

CHAPTER
10

Christmas 1999

“Merry Christmas!” I shout as I walk into my mom’s house loaded down with presents; kids in tow.

I still cannot understand how mom does it. It’s only been an hour since she left our house from “seeing what Santa brought my grandbabies”, yet her house is full, she has a huge feast laid out in the kitchen and it is only noon.

Christmas at my moms house is always full of surprises, not to mention the chaos that always ensues.
One of the main things is that everyone is always invited, even the exes. Even though mom and dad have been divorced since I was a baby, he even shows up at Christmas. Then there are my two crack head uncles, whom you never let around your pocketbook and always lock your car or else you will be missing something by the time the day is over. My sisters are a handful in their own right. Thank goodness I am the oldest because my middle sister is and always has been the “needy” one with sticky fingers herself; and my younger sister who dropped out of high school to live with her boyfriend.

Add to that, the endless barrage of cousins, aunts, grandparents and anyone else who decides to stop by and you have one hell of a Christmas. Every Christmas I look around and watch everyone while hearing the song “Entry of the Gladiators” by Julius Fucik; you know the one that goes “Da Da Dada Dada Da Da Da Da” . Yep, its like a circus sideshow every year.

Everyone is sitting around snacking on food waiting to open presents when my aunt starts in on me.

“Jordan, I have some friends who want you to meet their son. He just got back from working on a job in Mexico. He is nice looking and a hard worker, plus he is smart. He is an electrician and we thought you two would hit it off..”

“Not interested, Diane.” I respond.

Why not? You need to get out and meet new people.”

“I get out plenty; and I know enough people as it is. I can’t do anything in this town without people gossiping.” I answer flatly.

“People wouldn’t gossip if you weren’t sleeping with a married man!” She exclaims.

“Really! Now why don’t you just broadcast my business so everyone in the family knows, you stupid bitch!. Before you get up on your high horse and preach to me, answer me this, how many times have you been married?” I bite back and glare at her.

“Seriously Jordan, you need to find a good man.” Diane answers curtly.

“I have a good man.”

“He’s married!”

“Exactly. He is the only kind of man I am interested in right now. I don’t want anything more. I have been through enough hell the past year. I know I cannot take much more. Gavin is my escape. He is fun to be with and that is all I want at this point in time.”

“But, he is married.” She pouts out.

“I know! I am not trying to split them up. I am just trying to enjoy myself when I can. I don’t have to have a man at my side all the time to be happy. I just want to go back to school, get my degree and raise my kids without all the bullshit.”

“Okay you two, that’s enough. It’s Christmas. No fighting, This is supposed to be a happy time.” Mom says as she enters the living room.

“And you expect any less, especially with this family.” I ask in a condescending tone.

“Lets just get everybody in here so we can open presents.” She responds.

“Hey, everybody, present time. Get in here before mom has a coronary.” I yell ensuring they can all hear me while I roll my eyes at my mom. “See that was so hard, huh?”

“I could have done that myself.”

“Well, I took care of it for you. See, here comes everybody.”

It only takes a few minutes for the living room to fill up. There are people lounging on the couch, the loveseat, the recliner, and even chairs brought in from the kitchen table. A few of the younger generation opt to just plop down on the floor anywhere there is an empty spot. Since this is mom’s gig, she begins passing out presents.

Good Lord, my mom loves to shop. I know we have a large family but this is ridiculous. She doesn’t have to buy all this shit. There are so many presents around the tree, you can hardly tell there is actually a tree there. I think we should start drawing names; it would save all of us a lot of money.

Mostly, I get clothes since everyone knows how much I hat to shop; the downfall to that is I have to live with what other people think is style. Mom got me a set of high dollar Egyptian Cotton  sheets because the one thing I am materialistic about is my bed. I am a bit partial to a nice, fluffy, soft, comfy bed. The kids all racked up. Mom loves to spoil them. Seriously, a five year old does not have any business with their own television and DVD player.

The rest of the afternoon flies by pretty fast. Most of the adults relax and talk after cleaning up enough wrapping paper to cover the Empire State Building. The kids are all about to drive me crazy running non-stop in one door, through the house, and out another playing with all their new toys.

By five o’clock I have had enough of my family without breaking out a bottle of liquor so I start packing everything in the car. My kids are going to rids with my sisters to go visit other family members, so I will have a little quiet time to sit and relax tonight, alone. Maybe a nice hot bubble bath will calm my nerves.

A Ω A Ω A Ω

It  took me almost an hour to get everything in the car and get out of mom’s house, then another hour to unload and put everything away at home. My sister decided to let the kids stay the night with her so I can get some sleep. She doesn’t hav
e any kids yet so more power to her if she wants to babysit overnight; especially with all the sugar I saw them consume today. Starting in January, I get the feeling I will forget what sleep is like since I have enrolled to take some college courses. Of course, it’s not going to be easy to be a single mom with two small kids, working full time and going to school. Sacrifices. That’s what it will take, sacrifices.

I run a nice hot bubble bath and grab the phone in case the kids call. After what happened with Renee, I am still a bit skittish anytime they are away from me. I lay back and get settled in the tub before I grab the phone to check on the kids, but before I can dial the number the tone alerts me to a voicemail. Wondering if something hasn’t already happened I dial in to listen to the message.

“Hey, it’s me. I just called to say Merry Christmas and I miss you.”

Completely shocked, I replay the message to ensure I heard it correctly. As I listen to the message again my body starts trembling and my emotions completely take over. Gavin is supposed to be out of state with his wife for Christmas, not calling me. This is not good. This will open a whole new can of worms for us. I throw the phone across the bathroom and slide down the tub until my entire body, including my head, is submerged. When I emerge, I bathe quickly and head to bed before I start flipping out. Hopefully a good night sleep will clear the confusion I am now feeling. Confusion and heart break. I swore I would never let myself feel this way again.

A Ω A Ω A Ω

There is a superstition that if you kiss someone dear to you at midnight when ringing in the New Year that it will ensure love and affection for the coming year. I myself am a very superstitious person, however, I don’t think this on
e pertains to me.

My original plan was to spend New Years Eve at home with the kids. A few of my friends invited me to go out and celebrate with them at a party but I declined. I don’t need to be out drinking with small children at home. Time to buckle down and take care of things on the home front.

After ordering pizza, we sat around the house watching cartoons for a while before I turned the television to watch Dick Clark take us into the New Year from Times Square in New York. By eleven o’clock both kids were zonked out so I went ahead and put them to bed. I was on my way to my bedroom for the night when I heard a knock on the door.

Who the hell would be here at this time of the night?

Cautiously I peeked through the curtain at the front window and saw the unmarked car in the driveway. My brain told me to ignore him and go to bed. Unfortunately, my heart won out. I opened the front door and stepped to the side. Without saying a word, Gavin bends and kisses me on the forehead before he makes his way into my bedroom. Closing and locking the front door, I follow him.

“Aren’t you supposed to be working?”

“I am. I am on break until one when most partiers will start heading home. I have wanted to come see you since we got back into town so I am going to take advantage of my time with you.”

“Yeah, about that. I need to talk to you about something.” I answer timidly.

Gavin wraps his arms around my body and pulls me close so that I stand nestled under his chin. “Not now. Right now I just want to hold you in my arms. This past week has not been easy for me.”

Choking back tears I answer, “It’s not been a fucking picnic for me either.”

Gavin caresses the sides of my head with both hands and uses his thumbs to tilt my face towards him. I can’t hide the tears that are trying to fall when he kisses me passionately so I close my eyes.

“Open your eyes and look at me.” Gavin orders.

On a sharp inhale, I open my eyes to show him the pain I can’t hide. Gavin kisses me again, this time a bit more forceful. I can’t stop my body from wanting him and I wrap my arms around him. He reaches for the hem of my shirt and lifts only breaking the kiss for a moment then his lips are back, this time effortlessly devouring me. I let out a low mewl when he picks me up and lays me gently on the bed.

Stepping back slightly, Gavin makes quick work of discarding all of his clothes. His gun belt lands on the dresser with a loud thump and he is suddenly hovering over me, removing my house pants and panties.

I am naked, splayed across my bed. Gavin moves over my body slowly showering butterfly kisses from my toes all the way up until he is nibbling softly on my chin. I bite on my bottom lip as I feel my body tingle in anticipation of what is to come.

Without any forewarning, Gavin reaches down and places the head of his dick at my slick entrance and thrusts into me instantly. My eyes widen when I realize he has not put on a condom but before I can get any words to travel out of my mouth, Gavin assaults my tongue with his own.

I can feel the sparks of desire light deep in my core as my body continues to betray me. This is the effect this man has on me, no foreplay needed, my body is instantly aroused and ready any time he is in the room. I cannot control my actions so I give in to the ecstasy.  

One hour and four orgasms later, my body is sated as I lay snuggled into his side. My mind is racing with thoughts of what just happened. Never in all the times we have been together has it ever been like this. This is different, foreign, and I am unsure what it means. While my body seems to have taken a vacation, my mind is now into overdrive. I need to tell him.

Gavin rolls me onto my back and hovers over me again to plant a soft kiss to my lips before he pulls back and whispers, “Happy New Year baby. I love you.”

My heart stops. Suddenly I cannot breathe and my tears fall in a free for all. “Gavin, Please?”

“What’s wrong baby?”

“Please don’t say things like that. Please don’t keep making me feel like this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you cannot love me and I can’t love you back. It is not fair to any of us. We cannot go on like this. We have to end it, after tonight, no more. This is the last time we will be together.” I sob, hiccoughing to try and catch my breath. I move to roll away from him but he tightens his grip around me.

“Don’t do this Jordan.” He pleads.

“I have to, I’m sorry. This isn’t right. I need to grow up and accept that I have two children to raise, not continue being reckless and risk hurting everyone. I need you to go.”